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You Left Me
Aged just 16 years old, and going through an extremely traumatic time for various reasons. One of which was being seriously ill. Due to years of such debilitating illnesses, any form of sadness or pain affecting me would have been talked through with me slowly. However, this formality changed on 30th October 1998. My beloved Grandad died in the early hours of the morning, he was pronounced dead just before 6 am.
Unlike other relatives or friends of his, I didn’t need an outsider to tell me that my Grandfather had passed away, because he came to me in a dream. Looking directly at me as if into a video camera, he said: "I’ve gone, I’ve gone.” Then he turned, stepped onto an escalator, I watched him rise up, and eventually disappear. Throughout the entire dream he was surrounded by the brightest white background, nothing you could compare it to in real life. He had also reduced in age, gone back to his 40’s perhaps, but I could still see clearly it was him.
I awoke crying, and something compelled me to look at the time, it was approximately 5:30am. I was terrified, I didn’t know if I should wake my Mum and tell her, her Dad is dying or dead. Should I have called for an ambulance to have reached him sooner? In the end I just laid there crying, praying the phone wouldn’t ring with bad news. I hoped he would ring us with his wake up phone call! Instead, we heard the telephone ring shortly after 6 am, it was my aunt who was breaking the dreadful news to my Mum.
Shortly after the phone call I had feared, my Mum had to break the news to me. As soon as she opened my bedroom door I just wanted to shout out: "GRANDAD’S DEAD, GRANDAD’S DEAD.” But I just laid there, silent, waiting for what she had to say. I had to force tears out because the initial shock had already come to pass, and I had already sobbed fearcly. I hid my face so she could not see the false tears of initial shock.
I kept this dream to myself for nearly a year, I thought I would be blamed for his death and people would be angry for not calling for help. Instead, it had the complete opposite effect; everyone who loved him dearly now knew he was in a safe place, and that he was healthy again. Apparently, when he was in his 40’s it was the last time he was 100% healthy. After that he survived lukemia and struggled with emphysema on a daily basis. He shattered a kneecap and almost had to have his leg amputated, but survived surgery to fix it.
I was terrified at the time, and it is still something, where 16 years have passed by, I still ask “why did you pick me Grandad?” I know I won’t get an answer to that, but the question still remains in the back of my mind, and it still remains unanswered. Family and friends have tried to come to a conclusion about that question, but I will never know for sure. Over the years I have watched as other people have grieved, mourned and let him go. However, I just can’t let go properly. My Mum has trouble picturing his face, but I can still see him clear as day.
For birthday and Christmas presents my Mum or aunt would buy them for my brother and myself, from him. However, for my 16th birthday, just one month before he died, he bought me a book about my favourite band. He was so worried he had got the band wrong, or I had the book already. But it was spot on! I remember leaping off the sofa and giving him a huge hug and a big kiss on his cheek. I can still feel the softness of his cheek, so smooth, warm and gentle, just like his heart. I didn’t see it but apparently I made him cry a little because I was so happy. Sometimes I think he waited until October to pass away so he could be there for my birthday. And my last birthday with him was extra special because he bought my wonderful gift!
I’ve told some people about my dream, and some are really interested, they’re people who have listened, and asked questions afterwards. However, there are also people who will hear me out, but then label me insane or crazy, and suggest I get locked up in a mental home. My response to those people is: “I know what I saw, and I know what I heard.” If that person chooses not to believe me that’s their prerogative, but I do say to them that I don’t know if reincarnation exists, I don’t even know if there is a God. But just because I can’t see something, or I’m not religious enough to believe in such things, it doesn’t mean they aren’t real and that they do not exist.
My beloved Grandad died aged 70, from heart failure. The heart failure was caused by his emphysema, which started because he smoked heavily for many years, until he was diagnosed with lukemia. So ultimately, tobacco killed him.
Slowly I am moving on and letting go. It still hurts when I walk away from his grave after putting some flowers on there. But I have to hold on to the knowledge that I of all people, know he is in a better place, at peace, pain free. Hopefully he's watching over both my brother and I, feeling proud of both of us in what we have achieved. I suffer severely with my epilepsy, and have been suicidal as it's worsened. My Grandad keeps me alive, I want to meet up again with him in heaven, suicide brings fear of hell and the knowledge of never seeing him again. He was such a big part of my life. I will remember him always, and love him forever.