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MAKING THE INVISIBLE VISIBLE - Inspirational
The fork in the road.....
When I was a child I wanted to be a writer and a singer and I wrote in my diary every day. I began to write poetry and started writing songs by the time I was eight. I'm doing the exact same thing that I did then as a young child in my current life, but that is not why I'm writing this.
You see life gets busy and we all start to listen to others that do not know what they are talking about. People with failed dreams or deep rooted fears always make sure they say something about "what you are doing." I remember listening to people in the entertainment industry putting certain talent down and I'm sure when they came face to face in a power position, they let them know what was wrong with them. Casting Directors were infamous for this and so were producers trying to prey on the insecurities of younger women. I was strong and I believed in myself, so they never got to me and I was proud of this. When I started to get more successful at one point of my life, even more people had something to say about it. Most of the time I wanted to say, "How do you know? What have you done? Most people gave you their opinions on something they did not know a thing about.
The point is that everyone has an opinion and the best example of this is when a woman is pregnant for her first time. Almost everyone you meet will have an opinion on how to give birth, what to do beforehand and will aimlessly rattle off their past experiences. This is not always a good thing. I remember the time a woman actually terrified me with her story. From then on, I decided to always act like I had to be somewhere and I never stopped to listen again. I wanted to be "invisible."
This was the pattern of thinking that eventually made me "invisible" to myself. It was like carrying around big metal shields, fighting off all of the crazy people and hiding from the critics, even the one's in my own head. This happens to everyone in some shape of form. Slowly they eventually get to you in any industry if you let it happen. The parent, the alcoholic, the teacher who you look up to, a sibling or a spouse. What they say becomes a pattern and somewhere a long the line you start believing them. My father had very strong opinions when I was a child and he was really well connected in the business. He had dreams of me being a famous actress and I had dreams of getting lots of attention. I could have been more successful if I wanted it, but what I really needed was more attention and love after my mother died.
So I went out there with a vengeance chasing someone elses dreams and in the end I ended up right where I started with lots of success inbetween. The point is that eventually I listened to my own heart and my intuition was right on. I blocked out people who made me feel like I was on the wrong path and in the end my father finally understood. I wanted him to talk about simple life and not always Hollywood for hours at a time. I wanted him to understand that my talents were in different areas also. We made peace before he passed in such a profound way and he did see me succeed in the industry that he loved so much. We were always very close but eventually we hit heads because he thought he knew what I wanted. After he passed, I sort of disappeared into a world of self discovery and I quit acting for good. I did not look back and still do not til this day. I'm not saying that I will never do it again. Someday I may just want to and that is what is so great about life. Opportunities and timing are key.
Making the Invisible Visible...
So you see, here I am writing about my journey and I'm hoping to inspire others who keep questioning themselves. We all fight wars within ourselves and eventually we all get to the fork in the road where we say, "Where are you going?"
I became "invisible" inside because somewhere in my mind I shut myself off. I talked myself into thinking that something was wrong and I could not find my way. The fear set in and made me keep everything inside in a sort of "inner world." Those "voices" just kept telling me that I was not where I should be and then I would go off again in a different direction still making money and still making my mark but living in a different world. I became involved in the motions and not the feelings. I have always been creative and successful, but I have never felt like I was taking baby steps towards something that was so natural to me like writing, music and photography. I'm happiest in my world when I'm writing, in the studio creating music and photographing something amazing. Honestly if you met me when I was a young child and you really knew me, you would still see me now and this I feel is the ultimate "success." The journey back to yourself is bliss.
I'm making the "invisible visible" because finally I'm actually feeling everything as I'm ticking along or taking baby steps and somewhere in the deep cave of my brain I have found my sense of calm.
If you have not found yours, just do what you want to do and the rest will follow......