- Books, Literature, and Writing»
- Commercial & Creative Writing»
- Creative Writing»
- Humor Writing
Pondering My World
By: Wayne Brown
More and more these days, I seem to be running into things in daily life that I just cannot seem to fully comprehend. Sometimes, I think it is me and my inability to interpret the obvious. At other times, I begin to think someone is trying to dupe me into believing something that is not really true. I’ll tell you about it and you be the judge.
FROM THE HORSE'S MOUTH!
The other day I was drinking some bottled spring water. It was very good and psychologically I was convinced that it tasted better than most water because it really had no taste at all. That’s how we human beings determine how good water tastes. When it has no taste, it taste good! They say dogs and cats can taste water and we cannot. I wonder who figured that out and how he did it…maybe a dog whispered to him in the back of the lab. Anyway, I digress. As I was saying, this bottled spring water tasted good so I began reading the label to gain more information about it. On the back of the label was some small print telling the story of the company and the wonderful spring water. Right at the bottom of the back label was a statement in bold print “Bottled at the Source”. Now, at first, I going okay, this is spring water so they bottled it right there at the spring. Then I thought nawhhhhh…not a production operation. Then I thought, wait a second, the “source” is wherever this water came from. They don’t say on the label where it comes from therefore it is bottled at the “source”. Needless to say that I am feeling a little used but I still like the water!
SHAKE WELL BEFORE USING!
I decided to try some new “spray-on” anti-perspirant which I found in the grocery store this weekend. I decided to dispense with those messy roll-ons and move into the modern world. Before applying this new spray, I read the label to be sure there were no warnings with regard to skin irritations or allergic reactions. There was nothing like that cited in the small print and the instructions seemed pretty straight forward. In bold print at the bottom of the label was printed “Shake Well Before Using”. So I stood there in the bathroom in front of the mirror and I just shook all over for about five minutes even taking the time to raise each leg and foot to give them a good shake. Then I sprayed myself. Honestly, I am going to have to try it without the shaking to really know but at this point I really don’t think it will make any significant difference. If it does not, I just may go back to roll-on.
I suppose I am just not paying close enough attention anymore. I know they are making more and more things out of plastic and synthetics nowadays but who would have ever thought that popcorn might be one of them. I was perusing the popcorn aisle at the local grocery store yesterday and noticed that Orville Redenbacher has 100% natural popcorn. Now, on the basis of that claim, I am just going to assume that possibly some of the other suppliers don’t use natural popcorn that like grows in the fields on stalks like Orville does. They must get their popcorn from Mexico or China. It’s probably made in one of them backroom “sweatshops” like Kathy Lee Gifford was using to make her clothes before she got caught. So that pretty well does it for me, I’m only eating Orville Redenbacher popcorn from now on. It’s a little pricey but I know it didn’t come from a sweatshop in China.
WOW! THAT WAS CLOSE!
Have you looked across the car and noticed that print on the bottom of the outside mirror on the passenger’s side of the car. It says “Caution: Objects in the Mirror Are Closer than They Appear”. Well, okay but just how close are they? It would seem to me that if you were going to make the effort to warn me of the circumstance that you would give me some estimate of how much. You know, they could put something on there like “Caution: Objects Are Five Feet Closer than They Appear to be in the Mirror”. That way, I wouldn’t be making mistakes cause now I look over at the mirror and think “gee, that don’t look so close” and proceed to pull over. The guy behind me in the other lane proceeds to start blowing his horn speeding up and flipping me the “peace sign”. I find myself thinking, “Jesus! This could lead to road rage…that damn old mirror”. Now if I knew that guy was say five feet closer, then I might not be so quick to try it and get him mad. It sure would help I think and I know that old boy behind me would live a lot longer.
TAKE A SHOT OF THIS!
I saw a bottle of hydrogen peroxide sitting on the shelf in the bathroom. On the back of the label it says “FOR EXTERNAL USE”. It also warns you not to get it in your eyes. It does not even offer a remedy if you do get it in your eyes so I am figuring you would already be too blind to read that part of the label if you had gotten it into your eyes. Then I spun the label around and read the front which indicated that it was a topical astringent which could be used as a mouth rinse or gargle. I’m going “huh”. Don’t get it into your eyes but it’s okay to gargle with it. What if while you got your head back just a gargling away some of the drops fly up into the air and fall down into your eyes. Oh my God! A mouth full of this stuff and blindness just seconds away. How will you ever spit it into the sink which you must do because something this dangerous for the eyes surely will do damage to countertops and flooring? This is something we need to mosey on down to the peroxide company and discuss in detail because the world still has a large population of idiots who could easily get their hands on this stuff. Come to think of it, I’ll bet you can’t take in on the plane in your carry-on baggage either.
Well, that wraps up this installment of some the things in the world that are confusing me these days. There’s probably a whole lot more just like these but I don’t like to come across them too fast because it confuses me too much and I begin to worry. I don’t want to worry too much for fear that I might turn out like my mother who worried about those people who worried about those people who worried too much. Anyway, I think you get the picture.
©Copyright WBrown2010. All Rights Reserved.