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Making American Literature Great Again. Part 2 - Fifty Shades of Greek
About the Book
Aide-de-Camp (ADC): Well, Mr. Predisent... about the book..
ADC: We have to decide on a type of boat and a crew.
Trump: Simple. A boat made out of pure solid gold.
ADC: Mr. Predisent, Greek boats were made out of pure solid wood.
Trump: Wood is out of style. Gold. Make it gold.
ADC: Would you rather sink in the first chapter?
Trump: I'm unsinkable. You know why?
ADC: Because you're hollow inside.
tweeting "I'm hooloo..." (sends midsentence)
Trump: Where was I?
ADC: We'll paint the ship with gold paint and leave design to the writers.
Trump: Great choice. What do they know about ship design?
ADC: Who cares? They write. They make up. They write make-believe.
Trump (tweeing): Cool wood is made out of pure made-up gold. Nobody will make believe the boat I write.
Trump: So what kind of boat?
ADC: It's a row boat with sails.
Trump: A warship?
ADC: We can get you a warship. In Ancient Greece they had triremes, but then you need a huge crew - up to two hundred men to power... Get a normal ship. Have fun.
Trump: A normal ship? Get me one from the US Navy.
ADC: That'll be a battleship again, Sir, only bigger. Too much trouble for exploring the Mediterranean sea.
Trump: Fine, forget the Navy. How about flying machines?
ADC: What flying machines? Drones? Airplanes?
Trump: Right, planes. Get me the Air France thing and something to carry it on.
ADC: You mean the Air Force? What thing? An aircraft carrier? Are you going to bomb Mount Olympus?
Trump: If need will be. You are sending me on a ten-year-long campaign...
ADC: Journey, Sir, journey. If you want a military campaign, we need to write "Iliad". Sorry, "Trumpiad".
Trump: Write both - "Trumpiad" and "Trumpessy".
(jumping up with joy):
Oh, I just got a tweet. Oh, the good people of America!
Mr. Predisent, US Navy have a number of idle frigates, cruisers, patrol ships, destroyers...
Trump: Yes! Get me a destroyer! The best destroyer there...
ADC (giving up): I think battleship "Potemkin" is up for grabs. Any particular wishes...
Trump: Procure golden curtains and... eh...
ADC: Do you mean sails?
Trump: That too. Golden sails and curtains to match.
ADC: Excellent idea, Mr. Predisent. Did you think about the crew?
Trump: No, but ...
ADC: Golden uniform, I suppose?
Trump: No, are you out of your mind? Blue. The uniform is blue. They are so handsome in whatever they wear.
ADC: I'm glad that's out of the way. How many of those blue men do you need?
Trump: As many as you can get.
ADC: I suggest fifty men.
Trump: Why men?
ADC: They are better at rowing and rowing a destroyer made out pure solid gold is a tall order.
Trump: An order is an order. Have you no faith in our Navy?
ADC: No. Navy is not a problem. I'm sure there will be no shortage of volunteers for the job.
Trump: I don't like to sail with fifty men.
ADC: Women then? Feminists and Liberals would rejoice.
Trump: I cannot let it happen. Men. One woman. Get me only one woman.
Trump: What are you? Five?
ADC: I'm more or less six, not that I'm running around with a measuring tape... but it's not that. Having a woman on board of a destroyer powered by fifty young high on testosterone men... No. This is a very bad idea.
Trump: Why? Nothing is going to happen.
ADC: I've heard that before.
Trump: Get me a woman. End of story.
ADC: I'll get you a woman by the end of the story, but until then men will do.
Trump: What they'll do?
ADC: Nothing. Nothing is going to happen.
"Totally cool. We going Greek fifty high men in a shade of a battleship Poo..."
ADC: "Mr. Predisent, we are going to GREECE, to GREECE, not Greeeeeek..."
Trump: See? They are already tweeting back - second chapter of "Trumpessy" -
will be called "50 Shades of Greek".
What's with Shades?
Trump: I don't get it.
ADC: Who does? Just make sure every crew member knows what he agrees to. You have to be able to rely on your team. Because you'll lose most of them in your adventures.
Trump: I know what I need. I need loyalty. Absolute loyalty.
ADC: Put it in a contract. Something like "It will be the greatest adventure in your life, but survival is not guaranteed."
Trump: Tempting. What about the ropes, the bondage...
ADC: What bondage? Bonding?
Trump: Bonding. What's his name? James Bonding. The captain.
ADC: Fine, get James Bonding, the Captain, whoever he is. Think about your crew, your men.
Trump: Right. What's going to happen to them?
ADC: Who knows? Depends on the writer. Whatever writer wants, writer writes.
Trump: Yes, but I'm the writer.
(to himself): We all know you are not the writer, you are the curtain.
(to Trump): If they are lucky, they survive. They have to outsmart Odysseus. Sorry, I mean - they have to outsmart Trumpysseus. Sorry, I mean - they have to outsmart you..
Trump: Make up your bloody mind. Nobody can outsmart me...
(to himself): Pretty much everybody can outsmart you... Hmm, but what about the sailors? What a dilemma. Do we need sailors that will perish or sailors who'll survive? Let them live or let them die?
(to Trump): Yes, Sir, Nobody can outsmart you. The whole "Odyssey" would not have happened if not for a certain Nobody and a well-connected one-eyed super-duper-megasized madman.
Trump: Who's that? A Liberal?
ADC: A guy you don't want to mess with.
Did You Read "Odyssey"?
ADC: Did you read "Odyssey"?
Trump: Do I look like an idiot?
ADC: Well, good point. Well, take the next best thing - "Odyssey to Go". Enjoy!
Did you like "Odyssey to Go"?
Ward No. 6
The Writing Barracks
Whatever Writer Wants, Writer Writes
That's a Relief
I have to find Trump a woman and a US Navy Destroyer made out of pure solid gold, find fifty men willing to go Greek, golden curtains, golden sails... Yes, almost forgot. Write the contract for each screw member... On the other hand, screw these requirements. Who is writing the story? The lead character or a writer? My story, my ship, my men... He won't notice anything except the absence of the presence of a woman... So, the woman... the woman... where can I find a clever beautiful woman?
Cherchez la Femme Fatale
Look for the woman
How the Story Goes
- Making American Literature Great Again. Part 1 - Ward No. 6
Literary nightmares of a beautiful misguided over-educated mind of a former patient of one of the Greatest Russian Psychiatric Asylums "Ward No. 6" (created by Anton Chekhov).