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Maybe I Don't Fit, Because there is Nowhere I Belong

Updated on January 11, 2015

Sometimes I find it hard to see

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How Can I Teach if I Don't Know Who I Am

Shadows enter the light and the day turns to night.
Keeping away the fear and the knowledge of who we are,
I am blinded by the darkness and shutter deep within,
The place where I once was where I keep all my sin.

Anger rises and tempers blare,
The words are spoken and suggest no one cares.
There is truth hidden in every lie,
And there is always a reason to convince ourselves we need our disguise.

Letting go of illusion is harder than it seems,
When you’re not sure if you are good enough for this reality.
Sharing secrets-showing your heart,
Is anyone ever good enough just as we are?

The years go bye and life gives lessons,
But what I have learned has caused regression.
I’m not sure all the time I am going to be right,
Even when I try, I can’t focus my site.

Age is nothing that years don’t cause,
I am still looking for the answers for the questions I can’t resolve.
How can I explain what I don’t yet understand?
How can I teach others when I’m still not sure who I am?

Shadows lead to darkness-The tears begin to fall,
I am overcome with emotion and I am lost to all.
Not sure what I am doing,
I keep my thoughts to myself,
For fear that I will be wrong and I should be someone else.

I feel my heart screaming,
But the words don’t come out,
I pray that I will understand to explain everything I have felt.

Laugh a little to hide the truth,
Make someone giggle, because that’s just what I do.
She’s so great, such a helping hand,
That’s what they all say when they are asked who I am.

Do they really know-what’s inside of me?
I’m still not sure- what’s the truth that I need them to see.
I just want a chance- to give me a place,
But I can’t stand up and demand to them my space.

The years I have lived,
The lessons I have learned,
Still haven’t given me the strength to demand a turn.

The light becomes overwhelming,
And everyone can see,
When I can’t handle anymore,
And loose my faith and all I believe.

Such a disappointment I feel for myself,
I lost my knowledge and created a personal hell.
Does anyone ever care for the well being of another?
Or is it the lost reality of no one wanting to bother.

I get pushed from the light,
Shadows pull me in,
They comfort my soul,
And bring back a past I can’t forget.

Maybe this is me- sad and alone.
Maybe I don’t fit because there is nowhere I belong.

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    • Tom Cornett profile image

      Tom Cornett 6 years ago from Ohio

      This has a wonderful depth and you write the emotions so well. It is so relative to a lost heart. Fine work!

    • H.C Porter profile image
      Author

      Holly 6 years ago from Lone Star State

      Tom Cornett

      thanks for commenting and I'm glad you enjoyed my work and find it relative to life and emotions

    • Cagsil profile image

      Cagsil 6 years ago from USA or America

      Hey Holly, what an AWESOME poem. It clearly shows your struggle and the lost path you're presently on. Please take some healthy advice, when in a state of dis-array then it is best to re-evaluate, which means, what was working that is no longer working, needs to be re-vamped. You only need to worry about your children, but remain steadfast in your commitment to being who you want to be. You're a good-hearted woman, who has a lot to offer others. You're a loving mother to two children and you're pressuring yourself. This was an AWESOME read. Thank you very much for sharing. :)

    • carrie450 profile image

      carrie450 6 years ago from Winnipeg, Canada

      A very moving and heartfelt poem H.C Porter. I could almost feel your pain. I hope things get much better for you.

    • K. Burns Darling profile image

      Kristen Burns-Darling 6 years ago from Orange County, California

      Wow! This was really very moving. I could totally relate to the feeling of insecurity that I think we all feel at one time or another, wondering if you are good enough at something, and trying to cover up feeling in adequate, or having people perceive you as one dimensional, when there is really so much more depth. Great Job!

    • H.C Porter profile image
      Author

      Holly 6 years ago from Lone Star State

      Cagsil,

      thanks Cagsil for the support and the comment. So much of life can take you for a ride when you least expect it. I have found that there are people that stand by and want to help or offer their support-but at times, no matter the entourage the stress and hurt trying to figure things out resides in us and who we believe ourselves to be. Thanks again Cagsil for following my writing and being a friend :)

    • H.C Porter profile image
      Author

      Holly 6 years ago from Lone Star State

      carrie450,

      just as life always does...things will change, and just as I always have- I will continue to learn from life and change as grow. thanks for the comment, I appreciate the feedback.

    • H.C Porter profile image
      Author

      Holly 6 years ago from Lone Star State

      K. Burns Darling

      I am so glad you decided to leave a comment which relates to the subject matter of the poem. I think that you are right... we all feel this way at some point in our lives- sometimes the constant need to be good and to prove ourselves and our intentions is relentless and exhausting specially when we begin to doubt what we are capable of. Thanks so much for reading and for commenting

    • profile image

      rx4u 6 years ago

      I feel your pain! Thank you for putting it into words!

    • H.C Porter profile image
      Author

      Holly 6 years ago from Lone Star State

      rx4u,

      thanks again for your comment and I am glad you have found interest in my work enough to continue to read it...thanks again :)

    • A.A. Zavala profile image

      Augustine A Zavala 6 years ago from Texas

      A beautiful lament. Thank you for sharing.

    • ghomefitness profile image

      ghomefitness 6 years ago from Chicago,IL

      Beautiful poem! The facts are we all feel that way sometime. Be true to yourself and you will see who belongs in your world.

    • aware profile image

      aware 6 years ago from West Palm Beach Florida.

      H.C i always love reading your stuff despite its sometimes depressing nature. ... my comment for this one tho is pointed to your photos . the sky scape shots you took are beautiful. great work.

      ray

    • dallas93444 profile image

      Dallas W Thompson 6 years ago from Bakersfield, CA

      Great insights, reflective... Thanks for sharing.

    • H.C Porter profile image
      Author

      Holly 6 years ago from Lone Star State

      A.A. Zavala

      thanks for the feedback and for taking the time to read my writing...i appreciate it :)

    • H.C Porter profile image
      Author

      Holly 6 years ago from Lone Star State

      ghomefitness---thank you so much for the comment and the beautiful advice

    • H.C Porter profile image
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      Holly 6 years ago from Lone Star State

      aware

      and i always enjoy reading your comments...glad you enjoy my work and the pictures. the great thing about living in the hill country is the landscapes and sky scapes :)

    • H.C Porter profile image
      Author

      Holly 6 years ago from Lone Star State

      dallas93444

      thank you so much for reading and commenting on this poem- I am happy you enjoyed this one :)

    • saddlerider1 profile image

      saddlerider1 6 years ago

      Darkness try's to take over all of our lives from time to time, it's how we walk out into the light that matters. Pulling ourselves from our present or past is a task.

      You appear to me to have the strength to stay focused and find the light, remember foremost your children and their loving care, the rest will take care of itself, it always does.

      Living is full of ups and downs yet goes on and becomes our past as haunting as it may be. Peace my friend and Merry Christmas to you and yours. Stay focused on who you are and what you have to offer.

    • abradford55 profile image

      Adam Bradford 6 years ago from Howell,MI

      That was a very good description of just how it is inside somones heart, very comforting to know that i'm not alone.

    • Mike Lickteig profile image

      Mike Lickteig 6 years ago from Lawrence KS USA

      This was such an emotional read, and a few of your lines hit home for me. I often feel as if I do not belong, and I have felt that way for a long time. Being alone has been a recurring theme when my emotions have gotten the best of me--I often feel alone, even when I am not.

      No one really knows what is inside of me, either--I can relate to your words and feelings.

      Your words are beautiful as always, and this theme really hits home for me. Thanks for sharing your vision with us again--it is always so pure.

      Mike

    • acaetnna profile image

      acaetnna 6 years ago from Guildford

      Wonderful - so full of emotion.

    • H.C Porter profile image
      Author

      Holly 6 years ago from Lone Star State

      saddlerider, thanks for your comment, and do not worry- I have always been able to find a light to guide me when I am in need. Perhaps the occasional doubt and re-consideration that we are where we should be is good? If we never gave it thought, we would never take chances to make change to strive for improvements-new adventures- and changes to better life.

    • H.C Porter profile image
      Author

      Holly 6 years ago from Lone Star State

      abradford55- thanks for stopping by, and no---you are not alone. I am sure many feel this discouragement from time to time.

    • H.C Porter profile image
      Author

      Holly 6 years ago from Lone Star State

      Hi Mike.... I know what you describe...and I know the lack in self belief that you have felt.

      truth is we never know 100% for sure how others view us and if they truly care or have alternative motives. This doubt is what hurts me. Not sure if it is the thoughts that I am good enough, or the hesitation not to display fully who I am because I lack trust in others and how they will react to "me" and if they will use what they learn to hurt me later down the line?

      either way... i know it is me who has to be comfortable with my place-still it is a relentless ever going battle within myself...thanks for the comment and for reading.

    • H.C Porter profile image
      Author

      Holly 6 years ago from Lone Star State

      acaetnna

      thanks for the comment-glad you enjoyed :)

    • ahorseback profile image

      ahorseback 6 years ago

      H. C., No way , you are never alone , you're too much like us ! You have a way with words though , and a great way. It's just life , that's all. Merry Christmas , and keep that smile coming , we need it.

    • GmaGoldie profile image

      Kelly Kline Burnett 6 years ago from Madison, Wisconsin

      H.C. Porter,

      You touched my very soul. Beautiful.

    • H.C Porter profile image
      Author

      Holly 6 years ago from Lone Star State

      ahorseback

      thanks for your comment and your kindness- I appreciate your words and am honored and touched to be "too much like us" :) Thanks !

    • H.C Porter profile image
      Author

      Holly 6 years ago from Lone Star State

      GmaGoldie

      Thanks or reading and for commenting...Very much appreciated, and I am glad you enjoyed this poem as well

    • profile image

      Vincent Moore 6 years ago

      Absolutely brilliant,you are truly gifted to write. I felt your pain throughout this wonderful work. I am happy to have read you and meet you. Keep writing.

    • H.C Porter profile image
      Author

      Holly 6 years ago from Lone Star State

      Vincent Moore

      Thanks for stopping by and for leaving such an uplifting/encouraging comment on my writing- It is very much appreciated as well as

    • KoffeeKlatch Gals profile image

      Susan Haze 6 years ago from Sunny Florida

      What emotion, what depth of feeling. Beautiful. By the way, you're not alone. Voted up and beautiful.

    • H.C Porter profile image
      Author

      Holly 6 years ago from Lone Star State

      KoffeeKlatch Gals

      thanks so much for your comment...and I know, my life is filled with great, beautiful people...sometimes the lost feeling is when everything and everyone is around, and I am busy with responsibilities to be able to sit and relax Thanks again for your feedback

    • ocbill profile image

      ocbill 6 years ago from hopefully somewhere peaceful and nice

      yes very, very good. It could easily fit into a song. I love songs like that as well.

    • H.C Porter profile image
      Author

      Holly 6 years ago from Lone Star State

      ocbill

      Thank you so much for the comment! I am so glad that you enjoyed this poem. I never thought it to be a song- but I can see why others do...If I could only write music, I would be set!

    • michael ely profile image

      michael ely 6 years ago from Scotland

      Hi H.C Porter, Wow. This is really good, yet at the same time a bit difficult to read because it seems so sad but also powerful. Really great. I think the profile picture that you have up suits poems such as this one because both seem to have a kind of starkness to them.

      Thanks. Michael.

    • H.C Porter profile image
      Author

      Holly 6 years ago from Lone Star State

      michael ely

      Thank you for the compliment, both of them. Starkness... hope you are not referring to the ridged part of the definition... that's not an appealing look to portray :)

    • michael ely profile image

      michael ely 6 years ago from Scotland

      Hi H.C Porter, Ha Ha! Yes it's probably not the best word i could have chosen- i was going more for powerful, and striking.

      All the best

      Michael.

    • H.C Porter profile image
      Author

      Holly 6 years ago from Lone Star State

      michael ely

      lol... just messing with you, I figured you meant something less offensive as rigid can be.

      For some reason, I love when words can be viewed in so many different ways---meaning so many different things (if nothing else, they can sometimes get a chuckle or smile out of people, especially in incidences such as this) :-) regardless...thank you for the comment(s) :)

    • Internetwriter62 profile image

      Internetwriter62 5 years ago from Marco Island, Florida

      Beautiful! So true! H.C. You are not alone, I have often felt that way, and from what I have seen so has everyone at one point or another. Life has a way of making all of us question who we really are. By the way, I love the photography, you did an awesome job.

    • H.C Porter profile image
      Author

      Holly 5 years ago from Lone Star State

      Internetwriter62, I am sure you are right- I too think that everyone eventually questions who they are and what they should be doing with life... I don't think that I have ever not questioned my belonging, or understanding, which has been somewhat of a gift in the sense that I am very aware of what is happening around me . Thank you for commenting and for reading this hub, I appreciate you leaving some feedback.

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