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Updated on June 26, 2011
A Big Death Burger
A Big Death Burger

McDeaths; the tale of a mad burger king’s empire or A Fable for the Dinner Table

In thunderstorm restaurant owners, the McDeath brothers met with a slick conman called Ali Gater and hatched a plot to take over the fast food world. Gater had a vision of a world where everyone ate nothing but burgers made and sold by him and the McDeath brothers. Furthermore he told the McDeaths he had a plan to ensure their burgers would taste the same whether made by a clean-living Mormon in Utah or a syphilitic junkie in Panama.

The trio headed off to the crossroads to enter into a pact with the devil to raise the necessary money for their evil plan. While down at the crossroads they ran into a young blues singer who was also seeking assistance from Beelzebub to further his dreams.

The young blues singer was hungry and poor like most musicians and the hamburger makers saw a chance to do some early market research. They served him one of their new prototype hamburgers but unfortunately he died a short time afterwards and the coroner’s found his cause of death to be poisoning.

Fortunately for the burger meisters, the young man had not told anybody of his burger meal because the devil had warned him if anyone blabbed about what went on at the meeting their deal was off and they would die in agony, which was ironic because that’s exactly how he did die.

The fast foodies were also lucky young Robert was a bit of a ‘man about town’ if you get my drift and his successes with the fairer sex had earned him an entire army of enemies of the lethal kind, so if the cops had ever been bothered to look into the suspicious death of this young black man they would have found dozens of people with a motive to kill him, but not ironically those who actually did so.

Following their meeting the burger Kings had begun putting their ill-gotten gains to work developing much nastier versions of the bland but deadly fast food they had tested on the unfortunate young bluesman. This didn’t stop them initially crapping themselves however and returning to the crossroads for some more assistance from their dastardly benefactor.

When they arrived at the crossroads he had a group of half-wits with vacant expressions wearing corporate uniforms and flipping disgusting grey lumps of grunge in the shape of burger patties.

Beelzebub explained to the worried burger barons that he would keep their names out of any investigation that might arise in return for them making him sole supplier of ingredients for their proposed chain of stores. And since this was a subsequent clause in their contract, he instigated another change in his own favour; namely every time they placed an order he expected it be bigger than the last one or there would be he would back an opponent to open alongside an established McDeaths outlet.

The McDeaths and Gater agreed to the deal and to this day McDeaths still purchase their ingredients from the devil. The brothers fell out with Gater in the early sixties because he had struck an extra special deal with Beelzebub in which he got an extra slice of every order McDeaths placed with the infernal one. As a result he wanted the chain to expand rapidly to increase his income, while the McDeaths (who had no such incentive) were happy to stop at 50 stores. So he took a loan out with the red-suited one and bought the entire operation from the McDeaths.

Eventually the scent of obscene amounts of money began to affect Gater’s thinking and some say the stress of having the blues singer’s demise on his conscience caused him to become dangerously paranoid. He began prefacing the names of all his menu items with ‘Mc’ and by the time he passed away in the 1980s the devil was prospering and McDeaths Restaurants were plying their sinister trade all over the world.

The rest is history and the original McDeath brothers are now also McDead.


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