ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Messages From The Pre-Life

Updated on February 25, 2016
vrdm profile image

Born without a clue. A lifetime later, situation largely unchanged. Nevertheless, one perseveres.....

At First

It took me a while to get over the staring phase. I sensed that she could pick up on my staring and that this could be unsettling for her at some level. So I tried carefully to manage the staring process such that what staring I couldn't refrain from could be done discretely, from a distance, not in her face so to speak. Even now, as I gaze upon her, I get emotional. But it really kicked in when she started smiling. She clearly had no idea of the power of her smiles. Her lovely mum warned me about this, but even so I found myself swept away. She too got swept away I think. I saw little spasms of ecstasy shudder through her tiny body as she crowed with delight at successful smile exchanges. Sometimes she seemed so delirious with happiness that the tail end of her crowing culminated in a distinctive throat catch on the cusp of her return to inhalation. That would always set me off again and for short periods of time we both teetered on the brink of complete hysterical, asphyxiating, intoxicating breakdown.

But something else she probably didn't know about was the power of the back of her own neck. I used to look at it and quietly crumble, without her even being aware. She would be staring at a flower or a fly or a tablecloth or inner space, and I would be on the verge of tears behind her. Why was that? What was it about the back of her neck?

Maybe it was something to do with already being helplessly behind her as she marched out into the “real” world. Maybe something to do with that combined with the evident high vulnerability of that small area between her consciousness and her locomotion. It was such a tender space at such a critical junction. Every day I would love her all over again just for that spot.

From very early on I would try to engage her in conversation, speaking normally to her, using the full blown adult lexicon. I imagined her first words would be multi-syllable. In fact her first word was “Tula” - the name of our cat! “Daddy” didn't even rate a mention till much later. It wasn't long before she was saying “conversation” and “butterflies”, but my joy at hearing these utterances was compromised by my developing obsession.


My developing obsession had to do with trying to get as much as possible out of her about where she was prior to her being with us. I wanted to do this before her memory became too clouded with the reality the rest of us find ourselves sharing and by which we are daily overwhelmed. I wanted some kind of signal or message before actual language and the perceptions it conveys began to muddy the clear waters of her early memory.

Needless to say, it didn't seem like I was making much progress, but I did notice that whenever I asked her where she was before she was here, she would signal with one or both of her tiny fists, projecting only her little finger. In the absence of any other tractable clues or interpretive guidance, and under pressure of time as her cognitive and communicative skills were beginning to kick in, I eventually took this to mean "Greetings fellow stranger in a strange land. Like you, I haven't a clue, but I respect you, as I respect me, for getting on with it anyway."

Strangely, I found this notion quietly reassuring. Having done my level best to tap into her clarity, and compromised by my conflicting fear of jeopardising her drift into our reality in so doing, I now felt I could relax and perhaps move on. I felt unencumbered and free to do my level best to welcome her into our limited but functional dimensional paradigm. And, self-indulgently, I wanted most to tell her what a privilege it was to be her dad. Her mum granted me an enormous and largely unanticipated (in terms of strength of feeling) emotional gift which I will savour to the end of my allocation of time and consciousness.

But the lesson was not forgotten. I now use her hand signal in my sermonologies and whenever I encounter sentient beings.


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No comments yet.


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
    ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)