met·a·noi·a /ˌmedəˈnoiə/ : change in one's way of life resulting from penitence or spiritual conversion.
I am not a positive person. When something bad happens, my mind immediately goes straight to the worst possible scenario that can take place. This can be with anything, big or small. It’s only been recently that I’ve admitted to myself that this is not healthy. This pessimistic life that I am living is not healthy in any way.
I’ve started to notice that this is the saddest I’ve ever been, and I’ve been sad for years.
Over the past few months, I’ve discovered that even though I have all these amazing people in my life, I still struggle with this heart-wrenching depressive thought that I am not good enough or that something bad is going to happen.
I have an amazing support group, an amazing daughter, and I’m blessed to have a job that can support us both at such a young age. So why does it feel like there’s something missing? Have you ever been there? Have you ever been so emotionally overwhelmed that you can't bring yourself to do anything about it?
Over the past few months, I’ve felt empty and have only wanted to want happiness. I didn't care and, to me, that didn't matter.
Then one day something happened. I got sick of it.
Shoot for the Ground
Turning a New Leaf
I got sick of not caring, sick of not wanting more for myself and my daughter. Mostly, I got sick of looking at myself in the mirror and feeling disappointed. There was so much I used to love. Therefore, I worked up the only little sparks I had left at the time, and forced myself to be motivated.
Just like a pirate would for treasure, I searched for it. I remember looking through old notebooks that day and finding it. I found my writing, my dreams. Everything I ever wanted was just sitting there plain as day, while I sat feeling sorry for myself instead of pursuing it.
In my more adolescent years, I wrote a lot. But overtime, I lost interest in doing anything other than going through the motions to get through my day. Sound familiar? At first, my belief was that my dreams were hidden somewhere in those notebooks but it wasn't too long before I found out that my dreams are those notebooks.
What a revelation!
It was sometime in the beginning of last year when I picked up a pen and began to write, unbeknownst to myself at the time, my poetry book Shoot for the Ground. It started on scraps of paper, the backs of business cards, and my iPhone. Soon enough, all my poetry made its way to my computer where I would wrap it all up in one nice little bow.
The words, that I didn't seem to have before to shout out loud, all seem to flow seamlessly from my pen to my paper. Writing Shoot for the Ground has helped me cope with childhood traumas, when before I would just ignore them.
Metanoia is different for everyone, as it should be. You might find yourself changing through painting, meeting new people, going to the gym, etc. There are SO many things out there, and I believe it's important to find something other than your 8-5 or odd hour job that you can work towards, even if it is just for fun.
I’m not going to lie to you and tell you my life is sunshine and rainbows, but I can promise I’m working on getting there!! The little things you do every day really add up. Writing everyday makes me stronger. Working towards what I want in life makes me happier. Being unapologetic about it makes me FREE. Now it is your time to find your niche.
Hold on to what gives you hope, because a day will come when you will love yourself. A day will come when you don’t have to equip yourself with notions. A day will come when you don’t have to repeat to yourself: “today I will be content, today I will be content, today I will be content.” Hold on for now. Push through it, because one of these days you will have the time. You will have the time to live.
On your journey, whatever it is, make sure to be easy on yourself. It may sound silly, but it is imperative. I would be in a straightjacket if I didn’t learn how to LET THINGS GO.
There might be a million people telling you what direction to take in life, but at the end of the day, this life is yours! They have their own, and no matter how well they may mean, the decision is ultimately up to you. This is your metanoia. This is your journey to happiness and a light spirit. This is your life, make it a great one!
© 2019 September Lindsey