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Mission Imp Possible

Updated on November 1, 2016
Docmo profile image

Mohan is a family physician, film and TV aficionado, a keen bibliophile and an eclectic scribbler.

Mission Imp Possible

“Hello, Hubbomaniac!” comes the Imp’s voice through my headphones. I am straddling the cross-trainer and pedalling furiously towards my fitness horizon as the Imp's voice disturbs my reverie.

I was expecting Black eyed Peas from the ipod strapped to my arm, not the cut-glass English accent of Pandemonicum Grenvillard Woodimp, or to be short, P.G.Woodimp. There is no pun intended, but the Imp is rather short, barely testing the three feet mark should you care to measure his height.

“Good to see you looking after your body. As my good friend and poet Juvenal used to say ‘Mens Sana in corpora sano!’” The Imp’s gravelly voice comes again. I carry on pedalling hoping it is a momentary distraction.

I look around anxiously. Previously the Imp had only tested my patience in the confines of my own home. It has never appeared outside, not in public. Certainly not in the Gym which is my haven of peace and reflection. Never mind the sana and the sano, it is insanity that worries me. The Imp manifestation has had me wondering whether I need to see a shrink.

As it is a Wednesday afternoon, the Gym is not too crowded. There are a few well toned women riding the treadmills in the row in front of me, chatting to each other. There is a very sweaty and very red giant of a man few machines away from mine, counting down to a coronary. A Pilate’s class has just finished and some members come spilling out of the exercise room to the left, looking (and perhaps feeling) like unfurled pretzels.

I look at my ipod, flicking back to my playlist. It still says that Black eyed peas are playing ‘ I gotta feeling!’

“You amuse me, my friend.” The Imp says, materialising in a cloud of sulphurous yellow smoke on top of the cross trainer next to me. I miss my stride and nearly go flying off towards the big red bloke. “You want to believe and yet you nurse scepticism and incredulousness!”

“What are you doing? This is outrageous.” I say through gritted teeth.

The Imp inspects a cuticle in its long clawed forefinger and grins. “I love dramatic entrances. I used to do a vaudevillian act in the 7th dimension. I loved the roar of applause that greeted me at my grand entrance. Would it hurt you to say at least a ‘welcome back’ after all that I have done for you?”

I stare straight ahead and try to pretend I am mouthing a song . “Can others see you?”

“Oh, you fear ridicule and humiliation. Worry not, Dear boy, for I only appear to you.”

I suppose I should feel grateful for that. But I don’t.

The Gym sirens.
The Gym sirens.

The Imp, looks in the general direction of my line of sight and sniggers.

“Nice view! I see why you favour the cross trainers. The undulating feminine behinds remind me of the impette from 6th dimension. Did I tell you what happened? That sequel to Kama- Sutra that I am penning...”

“Not interested.” I mutter, rather cruelly.

“Aaah. You could learn a trick of two, from Papa Imp. Maybe later. I came back to congratulate you on your ‘Imp’ressive hub about me. It seems to have gone down well. The page views have hit my magic target. So here I am, back as I promised I will. I have been working hard for you!”

I wipe the beads of sweat from my forehead with my towel and grab a drink from my sports bottle, still pedalling furiously. The Imp reclines lazily and rests its hairy feet on the handlebars of the machine next to mine. I refuse to get drawn into another hub related dispute with the Imp. But I know, deep inside, it is a futile exercise. For the Imp can be persuasive and persistent.

“You don’t believe me, do you? “ It chuckles, “I proved to you that you are a hub addict. I thought rather than put you off these creative endeavours, I will push you to success. I have been studying the other hubbers and have worked out a ten step program for you. You will soon conquer all!” The Imp spreads its rather large hands wide.

Despite myself I turn my head towards the Imp. It winks elaborately and those fluorescent yellow-orange eyes bore a hole into me.

“Listen.” I hiss through my teeth again, like a trainee ventriloquist trying hard not move his lips, “I don’t care about conquering all. I really don’t care anymore about pageviews and hubscores. I cannot while my life away pining for more followers and more traffic. So you may do well to find someone else to haunt!”

Rorschach on Blond-back? who'd have thought, eh?
Rorschach on Blond-back? who'd have thought, eh?

“Right,” says the Imp, “If that’s the case, let’s do a psychometric test. Let me test to see if you are truly free of Hub addiction”

"What, here?” I realise I am pedalling even faster and my heart rate hits 160.

“Yes. Right here, right now. Do you know the Rorschach test?”

“The ink blot test? Where you stare at inkblots and say what you can see?”

“Full marks! Let’s do a Rorschach. Now as you can see the backs of those four rather beautiful women on that row of treadmills. You can see from their sport vests they are hot and the sweat has left patterns on their back. All you need to do is tell me what you see on those shapes. Simple.”

Despite my annoyance I admit to myself that this is rather ingenious. I have seen many things in a woman’s sports vest. Rorschach wasn’t one of them!

“ I want instant answers. No prevarication. Let’s start at the left. The blonde in a blue vest.”

“My profile”

“The brunette”

“Accolade stamps ”

“The red head with a white vest.”


“The other blonde in red”

“Awesome,beautiful.”, I realise what I am doing despite myself, “Damn! Double Damn.”

The Imp jumps off the machine and jauntily walks towards the treadmills. “I rest my case. You are not cured. You are so deeply hubbed out that it is imprinted in your cortex.”

Impish Grin
Impish Grin

The Imp, as always, is annoyingly right. My throat tightens in that Freudian choke. I slow my pace and start cooling down. I think about the past couple of Imp free weeks. I have done nothing but think of hubs. And hubbers. Especially those nice hubbers who leave endearing comments. You know who you are. I love your visits. I truly do. I want you to keep coming back.

I take another sip from my bottle and splutter.

The Imp is moving steadily towards the unsuspecting women on the treadmill. It moves between them, turns around and lifts its nose high and sniffs the air. “I love the smell of moisturiser in the morning”

I shake my head and walk towards the showers.

The Imp catches up with me. “Now about that 10 step program to get you on top”

“Yes?” I ask wearily wiping my face with the towel.

Moisturiser in the morning..!
Moisturiser in the morning..!

“Firstly, I hope you didn’t mind me changing your profile pic. The previous one was nice, but too benign.”

“So it was you! I wondered why my profile pic changed suddenly. What was wrong with the other one?”

“For one you were smiling in front of a lake, wearing a scarf. You looked like a lost ornithologist.”

“Why did you pick this new one?”

I walk into the men’s locker room and sit on the bench. The Imp follows me in and leans on the metal lockers. Luckily there is no one around to listen in.

“You needed a picture where you smoulder. If you want more followers, smouldering is good.”

“I don’t smoulder. I look cross eyed and moody. And no one has said anything about me smouldering. They are not interested in how I look.”

“Dear boy,” says the Imp. I hate it when it calls me dear boy but choose not to argue, for the Imp has been around millennia, “You don’t know diddly about the rules of hub attraction. Just look at those who instantly attract high number of followers – a good avatar will go a long way".

“I still don’t think the avatar matters. People may mock up anything on their computer. For all we know the blokes may be women and woman may be blokes.”

“Listen now and Listen good.” It moves closer and wags its crooked finger close to my nose.

I sneeze. “Excuse me.”

“At least your mama’s taught you good manners.”, says the Imp wiping something from its right eye.

“I think it is good writing, great info, relevant themes and fresh outlook that makes hubs popular. I want to be read for the quality of my writing. I think...” I continue.

The Imp laughs uproariously and a bloke walks in from the shower stalls and catches me in mid sentence. He whips his towel off and rubs his buttocks vigorously while eyeing me with suspicion. His family jewels are out there doing a mambo and it reminds me of a certain hubber’s profile pic. Drat, this is Rorschach going mad. I avert my gaze and open my Gym bag to extract a towel and my shower gel. I stuff my bag back in the locker and walk towards the shower rooms. The Imp follows me like a persistent shadow.

“The mystery of the hubscore is old as the Black covenant of Pandemonica itself. It is a complex calculation of Good writing, Generous feedback, Google algorithms, Garrulous search engine tags, Gorgeous profile pics and Gluteal osculation. I call it the 6G spectrum.”

obligatory male in the shower- Even if the Imp may want you to think so, This ain't me. sorry.
obligatory male in the shower- Even if the Imp may want you to think so, This ain't me. sorry.

I stand under the scalding shower and try to drown out the Imps incessant chatter. It didn’t work. " Gluteal Osculation? what the hell is Gluteal osculation?"

"Oh. look it up" It waves one hand in an exasperated fashion.

It paces in front of me, one arm behind its back, lecturing me.

“Dear boy. To succeed in hubpages, you need to understand the laws of the jungle.”

“Jungle?” I gurgle through the water, washing my hair.

“Yes. There are packs and herds. There are herd rules. There are several alpha males vying for attention. There are more pheromones in circulation than mating season in Mwogubudu. ”

I don’t bother asking where Mwogubudu was, for fear of the Imp embarking on another tale of what it did to the Impette on a safari. That story put me off my breakfast for some time.

“To establish your dominance, To attract more followers, Step one is to show your cute side. How about that picture of you in the bathrobe – I can photoshop it to make you look good?”

I get soap in my eyes as my hand slips. “Don’t even dare! This is a gross invasion of my privacy and decorum. You will make me the laughing stock of hubland.”

“Pffiddlesticks. You need help and you know it. I won’t take no for an answer. After all, you are technically my master. Despite what you say my ultimate purpose for now is to help you.”

The Imp walks around the shower stall and switches all the showers on. It then weaves around the showers hopping first on one clawed foot and then the other, “ I am singin’ in the rain. I am in the rain. What a glorious day I am ha-ppy again.”

The Imp pops up in front and holds my hands. “Listen now, dear boy. I am going away for a bit. I have a meeting with a few ladies in Harun al Rashid’s harem. We are playing a game called ‘Teasing the Sultan’. I am the facilitator. I will be back when my prediction comes true. Your followers will rise. You will be loved and adored. Your smoulder will get a special mention. They will say how much they love you. I swear I will only return if your next hub about me attracts a magic number of comments. You will see.

I’ll be back...



And then it’s gone in a sulphurous yellow cloud leaving just the echo of its words around the cubicles.

I hurriedly get out of the shower, towel myself and walk towards the Jacuzzi. I needed a warm bubbly soak. I need to get my tense muscles totally relaxed. I need a Imp free sojourn.

A strawberry cloud...
A strawberry cloud...
...and out pops the Impette!
...and out pops the Impette!

I slide in the jacuzzi’s warm embrace and switch the bubbles on. Thankfully there is no one in to disturb my reveries.

The bubbles are more fervent than normal. Suddenly, there is cloud of pink, strawberry scented smoke right in the middle. I stare in disbelief as a small, horned yet utterly delectable figure emerges from the water like a siren from the south seas. She slides on next to me, puts a long clawed hand on my bare thigh and whispers into my ear.

Hello handsome. Nice to meet you after all I’ve heard.”

I feel my tongue stuck to my palate and my throat go dry.

“Have you seen a vile creature called P.G.Woodimp?” Her voice sounds like honey dripping off a honeycomb.

"M..Maybe” I gulp.

“Then will you tell him that the P. F. Impette is not happy. And by the way, don’t listen to his inane ramblings about hubpage success, I can show you the proper way.” She rubs my thigh in a friendly manner.

I feel myself sliding under the water as the world darkens. Blub.Blub.Blub.

The Imp returns in Silence of the Imps

Editor's Note:

# # # #

We've been informed that Docmo is indisposed due to a 'an incident in the Jacuzzi'. So all comments will be answered by his representative, someone called P.G.Woodimp. Comment at your peril!

# # # #

© 2011 Mohan Kumar


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    • profile image

      Milli Thornton 

      9 years ago

      Bring back the writer! I'm aching to know what happens next.

      For this reading session, I made myself a second cappuccino. I'm only supposed to drink one a day. And I'm supposed to be working on something else right now that's very important to my future. Wicked influences permeate this Hub series like withdrawals from severe Hubbing addiction.

      I will only allow myself to read the next installment after I've fulfilled my other obligations today. I will not be controlled by a lewd, sulphurous imp (and I refuse to capitalize the word!).

    • Vellur profile image

      Nithya Venkat 

      9 years ago from Dubai

      Had fun reading this!!! Loved the Imp character, keep him going in HubPages.Waiting for some more interesting hubs about the Imp and You :). Voted up.

    • Daisy Mariposa profile image

      Daisy Mariposa 

      9 years ago from Orange County (Southern California)

      Mohan (Docmo) ... Not you, Imp,

      I had difficulty reading your article after I got to the *smoulder* ... my face hurts, my ribs hurt ... When I go to the gym tomorrow, I'm going to have fun reading the Rorschachs.

      After my laughter subsides, I'm going to read this again. What a gift for writing you have, polymath.

    • TToombs08 profile image

      Terrye Toombs 

      9 years ago from Somewhere between Heaven and Hell without a road map.

      Fantastic. Loved it! :) Voted up and MORE! :)

    • tillsontitan profile image

      Mary Craig 

      9 years ago from New York

      Well it seems imp you are working on Mohan's hub score and adding comment after comment! His popularity is rising and his humor greatly appreciated.

      I'm glad you let us know you are the one on the left...imp would have us believe that is he!

      This was a really delightful hub with lots of laughs along the way. Look forward to more adventures into your impish experiences.

      Voted up, funny, and interesting.

    • Docmo profile imageAUTHOR

      Mohan Kumar 

      10 years ago from UK

      Dear Vicky, yes Life on this Earth his awfully short for you humans- us imps have eternity t o contend with and across many dimensions too. sometimes I do wish I had a finite lifespan so I could have a clear plan for where I am going... I ma glad and I ma sure Docmo will be too that we gave you some giggles. cheers, me dears.

    • Vickie Bovender profile image

      Vickie Bovender 

      10 years ago from Southeastern US

      Doc, this is the first of your Hubs I've read, and I look forward to reading more! What a great sense of humor you have. Thanks so much for the giggles. :)

    • Docmo profile imageAUTHOR

      Mohan Kumar 

      10 years ago from UK

      @shimmering Dawn- Thank dear for your visit and comments. I am sure Docmo will be very pleased when he sees you have dropped by. I also want to personally thank you for a your 'Anita Bra' Hub I was struggling to buy one of my bountiful impette friends a suitable 'support' until I stumbled upon you hub. The under wired Rosa Maia filled up nicely I should say!

      @RedElf- thanks for coming by, dear Red elf- feel free to peruse Docmo's other work. The boy sure does work hard. He has done 99 hubs and is working on his 100th!

    • RedElf profile image


      10 years ago from Canada

      This was just too much fun! Your titles are so intriguing, I shall just have to flip a coin for which hub to read next :D:D:D

    • shimmering Dawn profile image


      10 years ago

      Ha! so you have got the magic portion with the help of PG Woodimp to charm your readers of their huerbs ... from the cross trainer to Rorschach and back to the jacuzzi you had had your readers weaving...good one there Doc. God Bless!

    • Docmo profile imageAUTHOR

      Mohan Kumar 

      10 years ago from UK

      @Ruby- Dear girl, Docmo mentioned your hifalutin trip to Hollywood Hills and he is always raving about the three sirens! I am glad you are going to come back for more.

      @Howdy Gus, The Imp that steals 'finished' articles is not me but I am urging a quick investigation on the hub page shenanigans. There is a serial Imp on the loose stealing articles and making hubbers disappear.I will see to that Docmo writes about this next time. Thanks for dropping by.

      @Fossie, ahh I am glad my ploy is working and I ma not sure if the 'hotness' you mention is Docmo or the Imp, I am grateful for your support and continuing interest.Thanks!

      @alberich, Thank you for the comment and follow sir. Docmo will be pleased.

      @ Dear Epi, you are a king amongst those who wield the poetic sword. Your visit and comments always warm the hubbers. In many ways with your persistence, consistence and insistence- you must be a 'honorary' Imp. Docmo will be sure pleased with your wonderful feedback.

    • epigramman profile image


      10 years ago

      ....there is just so much fun to be had here I think I will just do it all over again - yes it's true - it may be all of the pretty ladies bent over their exercise bikes - but let's face it the eye candy would be nothing if it didn't have that inimitable DOCMO text -and yes this really is the most fun I've had at a hub for a long long time - could you not possibly make a TV series from this for the BBC?

    • profile image


      10 years ago

      Funny indeed ;-)

      Rating up!

      Bless You Docmo!!

    • Fossillady profile image

      Kathi Mirto 

      10 years ago from Fennville

      I'm listening to the hot video with Tom as I write...uh oh, just read Gus's response...too funny...and I agree with are clever and witty not to mention pretty hot yourself

    • GusTheRedneck profile image

      Gustave Kilthau 

      10 years ago from USA

      Howdy Docmo - I believe that you shipped your imp over here. Now I can understand how that "finished" computer file got the urge to disappear on me the other day. Kindly keep that rascal firmly inside of your well-written stories and keep the critter away from me and my keyboard, OK?

      Gus :-)))

    • always exploring profile image

      Ruby Jean Richert 

      10 years ago from Southern Illinois

      I just love this, so witty, so clever. Thank you. I'll be back for more.

    • thougtforce profile image

      Christina Lornemark 

      10 years ago from Sweden

      I loved this hub and the imp as well! I do not have an imp around me (at least I don’t think so) but I can relate to the hub addiction and those constantly returning thoughts about hubbing, hubbers and hubland! You have a great talent for writing and thanks for this entertaining and well written hub! I hope all went well in the Jacuzzi, that impette looked impressive:) Tina

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 

      10 years ago from south Florida

      I'm happy to see the Imp return, Mohan, and that the interviewing style is working well for you, too. Imagination rules the world, no?

    • profile image

      Fay Paxton 

      10 years ago

      I'm not certain who is more the character; you or the Imp?:)

      What an imagination you have and you took us on your journey in such a masterful way. I somehow feel, the Imp will certainly return...when we least expect him.


    • Genna East profile image

      Genna East 

      10 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      Thanks for this wonderful, delightful journey...and will the Imp be returning soon? Up and awesome, Doc on this superb tale!

    • Shalini Kagal profile image

      Shalini Kagal 

      10 years ago from India

      Absolutely delightful! Docmo - are you there?

      Mens insana in corpore insano?

    • profile image

      Feline Prophet 

      10 years ago

      PG Woodimp, what a delightful creature you are! At the risk of driving Docmo to insanity, do continue to pop up with your pearls of wisdom.

      PS: What did happen to Docmo - do tell.

    • WillStarr profile image


      10 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona


      An incredible trip though an exotic HubPage land conducted by the master!

      More, please.

    • Amy Becherer profile image

      Amy Becherer 

      10 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      I don't know whether to be laughing or very, very afraid. Just like the voodoo shops in New Orleans, enter at your own risk...only leaving this window open a tiny crack. P.J. Woodimp, however, materializes with less room than that. He must be infiltrating my brain as I write, because now I'm seeing him in a whole new light...rather sexy, mysterious and sinuously energetic. I'm afraid, but for a whole diffferent reason. Very curious...P.J. Woodimp, is that you?

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 

      10 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Yes I hate being boring. I'm glad you aren't either or I wouldn't be laughing all the way through your story! Maybe you should just work out at home while you write hubs!

    • Docmo profile imageAUTHOR

      Mohan Kumar 

      10 years ago from UK

      He is a lucky bloke. A firecracker is what keeps things rich and varied!- P.G.WoodImp.

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 

      10 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      I love your sense of humor Docmo (or Imp!). Yes I actually just went to a Black Eyed Peas concert here a few months ago. I took my daughters too! It was awesome:). And thanks! Even polygamous Imps must be nice to all their spouses. I agree it can get monotonous - no doubt - but not if ya got a firecracker like me!! Lol! My husband never knows what to expect out of me next - I always keep him on his toes and he sure couldn't handle more than one 0 me! Haha!

    • Docmo profile imageAUTHOR

      Mohan Kumar 

      10 years ago from UK

      @Realhousewife- Thank you sweetie, Docmo will truly appreciate your visit. So you like Black eyed PEas, do you? Great songs aren't they. That Fergie is a bit of a mover but once she had some trouble with 'Boom boom Pow' till I showed her some of my own moves. BTW congratulations on 17 years with the same bloke and 12 years of wedded bliss. Well done! I like your advice' How to up the score in your marriage'. Imps, sadly favour polygamy and if one Imp spends 17 years with another, we call it monotony...

    • Docmo profile imageAUTHOR

      Mohan Kumar 

      10 years ago from UK

      Docmo is indisposed after 'an incident in the jacuzzi'. I happen to have his password handy, the dear boy has never been good with his security.

      @Cogerson: Thank you dear 'stay at home' Dad. I salute your loving Day care endeavours. I remember the time when my common-law impette went to work in a Victoria Secret shop leaving me to look after our many implings. ( we only had 122, She was a career-focused impette). Of course, her employee discount meant she brought home some choice items. The resultant frolic more than for the daily chores.... mmmmmm.

      @Justsilvie.. Dear girl, I see you live in wonderful Austria. I remember the time when I was with young ohannes Chrysostomus Wolfgangus Theophilus Mozart ( I told him that it was longer than some of his symphonies) taught him everything he knows - he only wanted to play in the backstreet of Salzburg till I put his pale white butt in front of a piano. I am sure Docmo appreciates your visit.. I see you like his poems too. The boy scribbles a lot of love poems... I need to talk to him about that.

      @Twilight Lawns, dear friend, Docmo will certainly appreciate your visit. I see you speak/spoke several tongues, English,Welsh, Urdu, Hindi, Marathi ... this is an admirable quality in a human. As for me, I speak over two million different languages across the 13 dimensions. And of course I can do accents too. I tried to do a Welsh accent once when I was backstage with Tom Jones entertaining a few ladies. 'Is it common', he asked,' for Imps to do a Welsh Accent?'. I chuckled heartily as he fell right into my trap. 'Tom, dear boy,' I said, 'It's not unusual!'

      @Pamela-99,Thank you, my lady. Just one more and you could've been Pamela-100. A RN who managed hospitals. Well done! I see you like genie-ology. Damn those genies, I say, them big lump of hoo-ha's lurking in the desert. I think you shoudl work with me on my Imp-ology.

      @acaetnna - thanks for the vote up, dearie. Wow, you are a pretty little thing aren't you. I suppose you wont be needing PG.Woodimp's help but just in case you do, drop me a line... any line.

      @Twilight Lawns, what , back again for seconds? Oh, you've seen my picture at the bottom. I always tell Docmo that why waste time in the Gym when all he needs is good lighting and holding his breath! He has now got a twelve-pack but is working on reducing it to a six.

      @lmmartin... Thank you, Lynda, my dear. Docmo has a lot of respect for your editorial input. Cast you eye again, dearie and see if the tense confusion has vanished. After all, I helped Shakespeare develop his writing - Docmo's tense confusion is mere trivia compared that shambolic old bard.

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 

      10 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Very funny! Thanks Docmo - I love the Black Eyed Peas - Im still humming a song.......Tonight''s Gonna Be A Good Night!

    • lmmartin profile image


      10 years ago from Alberta and Florida

      Lots of fun Docmo, but the time travel caused by tense shifting was a little disconcerting. (Sorry, an editor can't help but notice.) Lynda

    • Twilight Lawns profile image

      Twilight Lawns 

      10 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      I've just seen the picture of you and the Imp lower down. You don't look like any kind of ornithologist; the gym suits you.

      See? All the cardio works, Innit.!

    • acaetnna profile image


      10 years ago from Guildford

      Oh what fun, great hub here. Voted up and funny.

    • Pamela99 profile image

      Pamela Oglesby 

      10 years ago from Sunny Florida

      This is truly an entertaining hub and I do wonder what might be next. Voted/rated funny

    • Twilight Lawns profile image

      Twilight Lawns 

      10 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      I love your style(of writing, of course) Very entertaining, intelligent and gently funny. Of course I've marked you UP and FUNNY... Would I dare do else? After all, you spend too much time in the gym for me to mess with you.

    • profile image


      10 years ago

      Hurry Up and tell us more! Liked this very much and loved the naughty Imp.

    • Cogerson profile image


      10 years ago from Virginia

      So here goes the first comment for the imp....I am predicting a return of the imp very soon....liked the story and the video you posted...voted up....another great hub Docmo...


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