Mom Jeans and Granny Panties
Trace Adkins - Hot Mama
I always wonder why it is that whenever I am at my worst (sick or it is that time of month) there is someone hitting on me. I can be at deaths door and running to the store for some medicine or something, no make up on (truth be told I never wear makeup) grubby clothes (mom jeans and granny panties), eye crusties and bed head. I have been noticing this happening more and more. In fact sometimes when I come home and my husband gives me that crazy did-you-actually-go-out-dressed-like-that look I usually have an interesting story that follows. I know for a fact that I do not have a smile on my face and I am certainly wearing a do not come near me look, but still here they come to annoy me.
The first time I realized this was when I was pregnant with my children. Although my pregnancy was easy for the most part the first 3 months were a bit of a hell when it came to morning sickness. (Why do they call it morning sickness anyway because as I recall rather vividly it happened all day long. I think that the name should be officially changed to all day sickness or whenever sickness.) For the first few months I was still going to work even though I was as sick as a dog the whole time. The wrong smell could send me into a tizzy so I had to plan my lunches very carefully. I had a routine; I would stop at the store first thing in the morning and get everything I needed for the day. However I would have to run through the store quickly while holding my breath and grabbing the things I needed before the queasiness kicked in. This was a normal routine for me. One day though my routine would be rudely interrupted.
This particular morning was already a bust because I was having difficulty getting ready because the morning sickness was so bad. I was extremely late that day but still stuck to my routine. So that day I got myself together and headed in to the store. As soon as I walked in I noticed a man staring at me and my first thought was, not now not this morning. So I had to change course just to avoid him even if I was totally wrong about him. When I was trying to avoid him I saw him out of the corner of my eye trying to wave to me. I was dead on with this one. So I hurried up and got the things that I needed and headed to the cashier. Of course the line was taking long so I was trying to breathe away queasiness and talk myself out of getting sick from the smells, when it was my turn with the cashier she gets me through quickly.
When I finally get outside I try to take a much needed breath as I am standing there trying to gather myself here comes the same guy from inside the store running towards me. I try to turn away from him to get to my car, but I know I will not be fast enough. He comes up to me with some cheesy line. Who the hell has a line at 6am? I am barely awake at that time let alone thinking about hitting on someone that looks like something the cat dragged in. I try really hard to be polite. Telling him thank you very much but I am not interested. As I am telling him I can feel the churning of my stomach and my gag reflexes kicking into high gear. The smells are strong and everywhere. This guy continues to talk to me while I am trying politely to get away, I don’t want to piss some stranger off. It is obvious that he is not getting the hint and I am starting to get desperate as the hotnesss in my stomach is slowly coming back up. I am doing my best to fight it back down but it is not working. The smells are getting stronger and I am unable to control my breathing. “Come on baby you are beautiful just give me a chance I know we were meant to be together.” At that moment I lost it I could not hold back any longer I was trying to say sorry and turn around at the same time but all that happened was that I unintentionally threw up in his general direction. I could not control it anymore it just shot out of my mouth. I was immediately taken back to my father’s excuse letters for school. He would write, “Please excuse my daughter from school she was suffering from projectile vomiting.” My father always has had a way with words and never ever took the simplistic approach and although I was throwing up I was laughing on the inside about this ridiculous man hitting on me and the excuse letters that my father wrote.
What was the guy doing at this time you might ask? What was he doing while I was throwing up? Well as soon as the first drop landed almost to his shoes, he initially took a leap backwards as he looked at me with a crazy expression on his face and simultaneously ran like hell across the parking lot. I guess at that moment I was no longer enticing. I am not sure why because I don’t think I was that enticing to begin with.
I still have no idea why when I am at my absolute worse in looks, mood and feelings that I seem to attract people to me. I think it’s a question I will never have an answer to so for now when I feel this way I will try to stay home and in bed instead of trying to face the world.