Momma I so Love you
I am not sure if anyone feels like I do...Guilt from not being what my parents wanted from me. I tried so hard and never seemed to be what they felt I should be...always on the deep end of approval ,always trying to get the love they seemed to have for others, not even family, just to be the richer, the best and the family hero.
Many years slipped by where we were not connected, where I was the eldest but not the best example, the one whom no one thought I was an example good enough for the younger ones.Being the eldest , my example was, as it seemed to my parents to be of no value.
Whoops... I am getting off the track I began. Being the first born and my younger siblings tried but were un-successful in caring for my dementing mother, I was told I was the eldest and she was my responsibility, which I gladly took on...
I must say it has been a journey. A learning experience and an eye opener to what life is really about. She is now on Hospice, and near death, I couldn't love her more, maybe more then I did before,which is why I am here writing this.
There are times when I feel like I can't take another day, but I think of how she must feel, how lonely it must be confined to a wheel chair, when she was so active and a great walker. When she so difficulty tries to tell me things,but her words are so muffled, when her tears make me so sad, when the smiles are so big and her eyes so sparkly blue.
She is 93 this year and still teaching me, making me feel wanted and loved, of some value...maybe it is just me I really can't say, cause I really have no idea. I just know my love for her has grown in these last 6 years and it makes me feel sad. Sad for the years we weren't in sink, we were always nice to each other, out of respect ,but this is a different feeling.
I really feel the love from within me, the love Mothers have for their children, the caring, the hopes , the dreams for a better life then they have had...and the hurt and pain they feel for their children, no matter what happens. If they could make every thing all right they would give their life's for their children,which I feel Mom's always do.
God is my mom's Savior, and mine also. I only wish for her the rest and peace and happiness she so deserves. It is in His hands and we all pay for our sins...one way or the other...
Momma I so Love you, I so wish you every happiness you so deserve and I just hope I can be half the woman you have been..I Love you with all my heart...your first born daughter. God rest your soul.