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Monster I've Become

Updated on August 5, 2011


Anger builds, threatening to explode

I just need to get a hold of it

Rein it in before it’s too late

Gone now is the opportunity

No turning back now

Spewing from my mouth unpleasant words

Too late, can’t take them back

I feel a little better

But on the inside I’m still fuming

The anger still brewing

No way to rid myself

Of this feeling

Of anger and disdain

But toward who it is directed?

I wish I knew

Only one thing certain

I can’t get a grip on my temper

And that pushes me even further

Over the edge of sanity

Somehow, I need to gain control

Of myself and my emotions

But how can I tame

Such a savage beast

That resides within my soul?

Deep rooted for too long

Never shifting, always it lingers

Just beneath the surface

Threatening to show its ugly head

At any given time

I’m so pissed off at being pissed off

I need a change of pace

Anything is better than this feeling

Of no self control and sorrow

And the sting after every episode

After turning into the monster

I’ve so strived not to be


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    • tsadjatko profile image

      TSAD 6 years ago from maybe (the guy or girl) next door

      Well Gooollyy Bethany. Surprise, surprise, surprise! I know nothin 'bout numerology but Sargeant Carter saaid this would work! Wait til I tell Andy! :-)

    • BethanyLynn211 profile image

      BethanyLynn211 6 years ago from Bangor, Pa

      tsadjatko oh my jaw dropped when I read this. This fits me to a T. That is amazing! Thank you so much for shedding this, my very being, into light. That was simply amazing. =]

    • tsadjatko profile image

      TSAD 6 years ago from maybe (the guy or girl) next door

      Lets have some fun - I know nothing about name numerology but maybe your name holds the answer.

      What Your Name Means:Bethany Lynn

      There are 11 letters in your name.

      Those 11 letters total to 50

      There are 2 vowels and 9 consonants in your name.

      What your first name means:

      Hebrew Female

      Bethany was a New Testament village near Jerusalem where Jesus visited Mary, Martha and Lazarus. Frequently used as a first name in the 20th century.

      Aramaic Female House of poverty.

      Your number is: 5

      The characteristics of #5 are: Expansiveness, visionary, adventure, the constructive use of freedom.

      The expression or destiny for #5:

      The number 5 Expression endows with the wonderful characteristic of multi-talents and versatility. You can do so many things well. The tone of the number 5 is constructive freedom, and in your drive to attain this freedom, you will likely be the master of adaptability and change. You are good at presenting ideas and knowing how to approach people to get what you want. Naturally, this gives you an edge in any sort of selling game and spells easy success when it comes to working with people in most jobs. Your popularity may lead you toward some form of entertainment or amusement. Whatever you do, you are clever, analytical, and a very quick thinker.

      If there is too much of the 5 energy in your makeup, you may express some the negative attitudes of the number. Your restless and impatient attitude may keep you from staying with any project for too long. Sometimes you can be rather erratic and scatter yourself and your energies. You have a hard time keeping regular office hours and maintaining any sort of a routine. You tend to react strongly if you sense that your freedom of speech or action is being impaired or restricted in any way. As clever as you are, you may have a tendency to make the same mistakes over and over again because much of your response is glib reaction rather that thoughtful application. You are in a continuous state of flux brought by constantly changing interests.

      Your Soul Urge number is: 6

      A Soul Urge number of 6 means:

      With a number 6 Soul Urge, you would like to be appreciated for your ability to handle responsibility. Your home and family are likely to be a strong focus for you, perhaps the strongest focus of your life. Friendship, love, and affection are high on your list of priorities for a happy life. You have a lot of diplomatic tendencies in your makeup, as you a able to rectify and balance situations with an innate skill. You like working with people rather than by yourself. It is extremely important for you to have harmony in your environment at all times.

      The positive side of the 6 Soul Urge produces a huge capacity for responsibility; you are always there and ready to assume more than your share of the load. If you possess positive 6 Soul Urges and express them, you are known for your generosity, understanding and deep sympathetic attitude. Strong 6 energy is very giving of love, affection, and emotional support. You may have the inclination to teach or serve your community in other idealistic ways. You have natural abilities to help people. You are also likely to have artistic and creative leanings.

      If you have an over-supply of 6 energy in your makeup, you may express some of the negative traits common to this number. With such a strong sympathetic attitude, it is easy to become too emotional. Sometimes the desires to render help can be over done, and it can become interfering and an attitude that is too protective, rather than helpful. The person with too much 6 energy often finds that people tend to take advantage of this very giving spirit. You may tend to repress your own needs so that you can cater to the demands from others. At times, there may be a tendency in this, for becoming over-loaded with such demands, and as a result become resentful.

      Your Inner Dream number is: 8

      An Inner Dream number of 8 means:

      You dream of success in the business or political world, of power and control of large material endeavors. You crave authority and recognition of executive skills. Your secret self may have very strong desire to become an entrepreneur.

      Does any of that have meaning for you? - I got lost half way through. :-) got it from

    • BethanyLynn211 profile image

      BethanyLynn211 6 years ago from Bangor, Pa

      Thank you for the comment lost and your positive feedback =]

      Any tips on how to get a hold on my temper? haha Any advice is greatly appreciated. And knowing that someone else has gained control gives me great hope.

    • profile image

      lostwithinmyself 6 years ago

      Wow reading this poem was like reading the old me!

      I use to have a bad temper but manage to control it now. Great poem! x

    • BethanyLynn211 profile image

      BethanyLynn211 6 years ago from Bangor, Pa

      tsadjatko, I wish I could say I was speaking of a past my past and I could proudly say that I overcame such an obstacle, but alas I cannot. It is something that I struggle with every day and it is definitely a work in progress.

      Thank you for your words of encouragement! I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel so to speak, it is just a matter of taking the journey to get there.

    • tsadjatko profile image

      TSAD 6 years ago from maybe (the guy or girl) next door

      I venture a guess you are speaking of a past life and have conquerred this or you wouldn't be able to write about it so well. Or maybe you are an empath and just GREAT at expressing other's emotions - that would be a gift.

      But if I'm wrong and this is a struggle you still have I want you to know there is hope, there is a way out!

    • BethanyLynn211 profile image

      BethanyLynn211 6 years ago from Bangor, Pa

      Thank you Binaya, I'm glad my words could be so moving.

      Thank you CM, I try to at least haha =]

    • CM Sullivan profile image

      CM Sullivan 6 years ago from California

      You write the fear and frustration of rage and anger very well.

    • profile image

      Binaya.Ghimire 6 years ago

      I read your poetry with a tingle along my spine but by the time I was finished I felt liberated.