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More Unique One Liners For Your Facebook or Twitter Status

Updated on August 9, 2015
hell4heather profile image

Author, comedy writer & mum of five (not the band). Heather's first ever writing attempts were published right here on Hubpages.

Mission: Cheer the World Up

Should you accept this mission, you could end up with reduced stress, less illness borne from being in a negative emotional state and an increased chance of being labelled, 'oh, you!' by your smiling colleagues and peers.

Following on from the success and grateful feedback of my previous hub, Forty Unique and Funny One-Liners For Your Facebook or Twitter Status, I thought that with this week being the first anniversary of the death of the great, comedy genius that was Robin Williams, it is as good a time as any to continue my quest to cheer up the world by adding a few more. As the great man himself said, 'you only get one spark of madness. Never lose it.'

Readers of Psychologies Magazine in the UK my have seen my article on cheering up the workplace, entitled 'Funny Business' in the September 2015 edition. Therefore you will know that I am starting a movement to cheer the world up and encourage people to - just for a time - stop taking themselves too seriously.

No, that ISN'T me in the bean bag

Me telling the world to cheer up in the September 2015 edition of Psychologies Magazine UK
Me telling the world to cheer up in the September 2015 edition of Psychologies Magazine UK

The Laugher Giveaway

In the time since writing my original Hubpages article in this subject, I have had the privilege to get to know one of Britain's great TV comedy writers, for an all-to-brief time as he sadly passed away before I could really learn all I wanted to from this genius of a man. His name was Charlie Adams and like many TV comedy writers, you very likely won't have heard of him. Yet Charlie wrote for many of the eighties comedy greats such as Bob Hope, Bob Monkhouse, Les Dawson... the list goes on. But needless to say, Charlie was hilarious, a fountain of comedy knowledge and my absolute hero.

When first he found me, he told me that I wrote some of the best one liners he'd seen in years, which is something I will hold to my proud heart forever, but before asking me why I was giving all my best ones away through social media.

'To cheer the world up,' I told him.

'And this has helped your bank balance, how exactly?'

The truth is, not at all. But then....

So, I shall continue to suffer for my art, yet live safe in the knowledge that I have enough jokes screaming to get out of my head to give a few away to the world at large. After all, to use the words of the great Mark Twain, 'the human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.'

And here they are; twenty more of my lines and jokes originally penned by me to use at your own disposal. I do hope you like them and find a few to share about and spread a little 'excessive happiness'.

Food, Diet & Exercise

  • I get some of my best ideas while running on the treadmill. Like getting off it.
  • What's with recipe web pages demanding to know my location? I'm in the bloody kitchen!
  • Just cooking seabass and the recipe says 'sprinkle with a little sea salt'. I can't help feeling like I'm giving it false hope.
  • Someone told me Jennifer Aniston keeps herself trim on the cucumber diet. I've been trying this for ages and haven't lost a pound! I think I'm inserting it wrong.
  • I've taken my iron tablets this morning, but I still don't feel like doing any.


  • A message just popped up on my laptop telling me I need to find another power source. So anyway, I'm going to be gone for a few years.
  • Have discovered my super power is making 'ksssh ksssh' noises when I walk. Unrelated: just found forty new mobile photos of the inside of my pocket.
  • Every time I try to call my mum, twenty Van Gogh paintings pop up on the screen before it dials. Bloody Some Art phones.
  • I've noticed my dogs go nuts when a stranger comes to the house but cower away when I vacuum. So if you're coming to take me hostage, bring a Dyson.

Love, Life & Relationships

  • I hate it when couples call each other soppy names in public; saying things like ‘I love you Boo!’ Stop it! It makes me jump.
  • If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't then perhaps you shouldn't let toddlers roam the streets alone.
  • Help! My husband has passed out in the garden while mowing the lawn. Does anyone know any good gardener's?
  • When one door closes, somebody somewhere opens another. Then all your doors blow shut.
  • My daughter just asked if I would sponsor a panda. I said 'sure, how far is it running?' and she laughed! I thought it was a reasonable question.

Bodies & Icky Stuff

  • I've used super volumising shampoo on my hair today & it's still very quiet. Advice?
  • I love a good whodunnit. Except after Mexican food
  • A body with its bum missing has washed up in the Thames. Worst. Arsenic case. Ever. (Very British Joke Alert)
  • I was listening to this tape on self confidence that told me to 'look at myself through the eyes of your children.' Weird! And rather uncomfortable for them.
  • Just stood on a snail and broke it's shell. It's Okay now, just a bit sluggish.
  • Chewbacca has gone and told everybody I have fake boobs. Damn Wookieleaks.

Got Any of Your Own to Share?

Comedy is so subjective and not everyone gets irony, loves puns (a particular target for the comedy police) or appreciates general silliness in life. But it shouldn't stop you sharing them. You can make someone's day. Go on, don't be scared. Add your own in the comments.

Thanks for reading!

Add a little photo and have fun with it!
Add a little photo and have fun with it! | Source

© 2015 Heather Hill


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    • hell4heather profile image

      Heather Hill 2 years ago from Glasgow, Scotland

      Thank you Molly :) I'm going to sharpen my box of pencils and think up some more x

    • Molly Layton profile image

      Molly Layton 2 years ago from Alberta

      These are funny. Great going. I'd love to see more.