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When Love Dies
Grief Buried in the Sand
The Torture of Grief
On the other side of the door, Gareth Hughes lay still and silent. Cold fingers of dread clutched at Betty Hughes’ heart, as if it were a caged bird. The implications of life without Garry were just beginning to dawn.
‘Come on, Betty,’ the bulky form of Craig Hughes, brother to Gareth, filled the austere waiting room of the hospital. ‘I’ll take you home to Yellow Glen.’
Craig’s calloused hands were feather soft on her elbow urging her to rise. Her fears lessened a degree, yet she resisted.
‘No! I can’t leave him. He might need me,’ she whimpered.
‘Don’t torture yourself, Betty. Garry is beyond help.’
‘He can’t be dead he was so alive. He can’t leave me like this.’
‘Listen Betty, Gareth is gone. You can’t bring him back. Your parents want you back at Yellow Glen.’
Craig’s fingers tightened on her elbow as he tried to lift her up. She pulled her arm from his hold.
‘Do you remember the night Garry and I first met?’ Betty’s thoughts drifted
Step One Travelling the Road called Grief
1 The magnitude of your loss is over whelming and it fills your mind so that you can't think of anything else. Flashes of painful clarity that of course it’s over are like lightening strikes, leaving one feeling weakened. The pain, disorganization, and confusion seemed to muddle the thinking and it's hard to get a clear picture. So you talk about it all the timer to try and make sense of your loss. understand what happened, at any cost.
Our first Date
Bread of Sorrows by Gwenneth Leane
BREAD OF SORROW
The bread of sorrow
Was bitter to my heart
The loss of my beloved left a hole
That even time could not alleviate
The bread of sorrows weighed heavily
Upon my broken heart
Many words of comfort spoken
Yet no solace was my lot
The bread of sorrow
I would eat for evermore
Unless there should be another
To assuage dark grief
The bread of sorrow was cast aside
A greater love filled the wasteland of my heart
A selfless love that I could not comprehend
My mind so taken with the here and now
The bread of sorrow became the bread of joy
My pain was healed no scar was left
So perfect was this love
No-one could come between
The bread of joy filled my life with song
My daily meditation a paean of praise
My God had turned the bread of sorrow
Into bread of joy regardless of my circumstance
Here's Your Heart Back
Fly High even when disenchanted
Humiliation - Can We Forgive
‘As if I could forget,’ Craig could still feel the humiliation , he marveled that two years had passed since that fateful night when he had taken Betty to the Tennis Club in Slater’s Flat, for dinner .
They were sitting at the central table when Gareth, handsome in casual dress, entered the Club. His glance drifted over the diners coming to rest on Betty. Garry crossed the room and swept Betty up into a foxtrot in one graceful movement. Craig writhed in anger knowing that Garry’s interest in Betty was to spite him. For Betty the rest of the evening passed in a blur of music and laughter. Betty forgot Craig until Garry guided her out into the street, ‘Your place or mine,’ his eyes bored into hers.
‘Oooh! What about Craig? I forgot all about him,’ she giggled
‘He’s gone home like all good little boys should,’ Garry assured her, ‘He’ll turn you into a dried up prune. I can give what you what you deserve.’
‘Oooh, how do you know what I want,’ Betty’s giggle and come-hither look from under her lashes never failed to reduce most men to a shivering mess.
Queen of Glamour
The present now forced itself upon Betty and she glanced at Craig through a curtain of golden hair. Yes he was wearing that devoted spaniel look that she remembered. Maybe he was still in love with her because he hadn’t married. One day she would whistle him up as she used to; but not yet, she was hurting too much, besides there was Sonny Blake. There was no way to describe Sonny but sexy. One-half of Betty wanted to win Sonny and the other half said he was a bad man and to leave him alone. After the funeral when he thought she would be in a better frame of mind, he’d pay her a visit. Sonny’s charm and ability to spend money on her inflated her ego and she shivered. Betty knew that the bad part of her would win and if Sony crooked his little finger, she would drop all and follow him.
Craig saw her shudder, mistaking her quiver as fear; he laid his arm across her shoulders.
‘Your parents want you back at Yellow Glen.’
Not for her the life of a work strapped farmer’s wife, she was going to cling to her reputation as Queen of Glamour that Gareth had carved for her.
Betty met Craig’s steady gaze her own eyes full of pleading. She would play Craig to fill in time until Sonny came for her. Craig’s innate honesty shamed her and her eyes slid past his shoulder to a point behind his ear.
Her thoughts drifted to the image of Craig’s fury when he learned of her registry office wedding to Garry.
‘What!’ he roared. ‘You’ve married my hot shot brother? You must be out of your brain. He’s just playing with you to get at me.
‘Garry is not like that.’ Betty’s hackles rose , ‘He loves me. You lie.’
Brokenness by Henri Nouwen
Our life is full of brokenness
Broken promises, Broken expectations
How can we live with that brokenness
Without becoming bitter and resentful?
Except by turning again and again
To God's faithful presence in our lives
Growing a Scab over the Amputation
The stages of grief that follow any trauma, breakups included, can happen over the course of minutes or even seconds, across days, months, or years, and then switch around without warning, leaving you feeling without foundation, especially in the beginning. You feel alien to yourself or cut off from the world. However, like any emotional amputation, continuing on in life means learning to live without that part of yourself, and finding ways to compensate for its loss.
After the Honeymoon
Betty and Garry had returned to the family home after a week’s honeymoon and were lying on the lounge, shameless in their love making when Craig passed through on his way to the kitchen.
Garry couldn’t resist turning the knife further in his brother’s heart,
‘Hey, old man, don’t take it so hard,’ he wound his finger in Betty’s yellow blonde curls possessively ‘I need a good woman like Betty to keep me on the straight and narrow.’
‘You treat her properly or else…’ Craig left the sentence unfinished.
‘And you would treat her properly?’ Garry sneered. ‘She’d soon die of boredom stuck out here on the farm. She’s too beautiful to be a farmer’s wife with a dozen kids.’
Craig advanced on Garry, grabbed him by the shirtfront, and yanked him to his feet. Gareth dodged the deadly blow, delivering one of his one. Craig dropped to the floor.
Betty screamed but Garry caught hold of her hand and dragged her up behind him,
‘Come on; leave Saint Craig to reform somebody else. We are going to have us some fun.
Betty mesmerised by Garry’s show of strength, obeyed and they ran out to the waiting coupe.
Grief's Highway, second stop
2 It can’t be true. This isn’t happening! You just cannot be without your loved one.
It's so hard to accept they are gone. Regrets arise like a million demons. 'If only' you say like a broken record.
Be Kind to Yourself
“By courageously confronting the inevitable abandonments, rejections, and betrayals that life brings us, we can heal the hurts of our heart, discover new aspects of ourselves, and find a greater degree of safety in relationships and in life. Betrayal in its many forms can become, in effect, the unwelcome rite of passage that ushers us toward a brighter understanding of what love is and what love isn’t — what helps love grow, and what destroys it.”
Experiencing betrayal invites us to be kind and gentle toward our pain, allowing ourselves time to heal and understand ourselves — and perhaps our partner — more deeply.
From the book Love & Betrayal by John Amodeo, Phd
Craig looked at Betty sitting beside him and realised that a lot of water had passed under the bridge since Betty had married Gareth. Her youth and artlessness had vanished replaced by a woman who wore too much make-up; the soft blonde hair was now a harsh brassy yellow. Tiny lines fanned around her eyes. He was not impressed. He removed his arm from her shoulder, Betty felt his withdrawal; she was going to have to pull out all stops to win Craig back.
To cover his growing disenchantment he voiced a doubt,
‘Did Garry have any drugs on board when you crashed?’
‘No! Garry was going straight.’ Betty was defensive, ‘He promised that he would start a new life when we reached Adelaide.’
‘Do you think the accident happened on purpose?’
‘No one knew we were going away to start anew.’
Craig pursed his lips; he doubted if Garry was going straight, he probably had a scheme lined up. Garry was a master at convincing people of his good intentions when it suited him. There was a bad smell about the accident.
‘You never have given Garry any lee way have you?’ Betty accused. ‘You’ve judged him as a black sheep all the time.’
‘He never ever did anything to show he deserved a better reputation.’
‘Garry needed a challenge,’ Betty excused.
‘Anything on the wrong side of the law was a challenge to Garry, Betty. When are you going to admit that Garry was a con-man and that he conned you.’
Craig stared at the grief stricken girl before him, puzzled by his own reaction to his brother’s death. Instead of being closer to Betty in their mutual hour of loss, he felt miles apart.
Forgiveness costs something deep with in the very core of your being.
It takes: A humble spirit
A lot of courage
A willingness to be the 'bigger person'
And a huge amount of grace!
From the book 'From Heartbreak to Healing' Ruth Parker
Keep the Options Open
For the past two years he mourned Betty’s defection and now when she might be within reach, he found himself feeling repelled. Was it because she had belonged to Garry? Because of her lost innocence. Guilty over his change of heart, his voice softened, his hand reached out for her hand.
‘Come on, Betty.’ Craig urged, ‘Let me take you home.’
‘Garry told me how jealous you are of him. It is you who ought to wake up to yourself.’ Anger added fire to the sparkle of tears hanging in Betty’s eyes. ‘I want to stay a little longer with Garry.’
‘Well, I’m not hypocritical enough to want to stay and mourn over someone who made my life hell,’ Craig stood up, looking down at Betty, ‘When you are ready to go home, give your father a ring.’
Betty sprang from her chair; she must not lose Craig until she heard from Sonny Drake. Her hands clutched at Craig’s shirtfront,
‘Please don’t leave me like this,’ Tear filled eyes full of pleading, Betty cried, ‘I need you.’
Craig looked into the face he once described as Dresden china. That same face now reminded him of an overripe peach
‘No! I can’t wait any longer.’ It was true he had waited too long as it was. The horses needed feeding and cows milked.
The realization that his time of mourning for Betty was over excited him.
A future stretched out before him and he knew whom he wanted to share it with and it wasn’t used goods like Betty. He removed her hand gently from his chest backing toward the door.
‘I need you,’ Betty sobbed brokenly, ‘don’t leave me.’
‘ I'll see you soon, Betty. Sonny Blake will help you. I’m not going to stick around playing second fiddle to a crook.’ Craig took another step toward the door, ‘You cut me out of your life two years ago and I’m staying out.’
A scream halted him at the door. He didn’t look back, though the words followed him out,
‘You scum! Garry always said you were a wimp. I believe him now.
Craig’s words hung in the air as the door closed behind him,
‘I’m used to hearing what I am or am not, Betty. It so happens that I no longer care.’
Trying to Fix It
I will do anything if we can go back to what we were. You promise to be a better person and take responsibility, you make bargains with a partner or fate in the hope that you can make it all better. You believe, that at this stage, everything is salvageable
The Footsteps are Silent
Another Bend in the Road - This Time Anger
Anger has appeared, your angry at everything and everyone, even yourself.
This anger is self defeating and paralyzing but remember it is a step in the grieving process and will pass.
Knowing that you are not alone can is a strength to help you through. Grieving is part of being human—without it, we would not be wired the way we are to handle the many pains and losses that occur in our lives. As the grieving process progresses the fog of grief disappears and you can see your way through and let the loss go and begin to live normally.