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My Cat Is Kneading Me To Death

Updated on March 12, 2011

I Think She Thinks I Am Her Mother

I come home late at night and go on the computer

I try to type a hub or read one hub even better

Charlette my little rolly polly kitten

Who is round in the middle like a Pillsbury Dough girl

Jumps on my lap

I think that is fine

I give her a series of kisses on the forehead rapid fire

She looks like she wants my attention and is going to settle down on my lap

Instead she reaches up to my left arm and starts to knead uncontrollably

For the next five to ten minutes unless I stop her

She digs her claws into my bathrobe for so so long almost to make my skin raw underneath 

I want to show her I love her

But enough is enough

I think she thinks I am her mother from birth

Since we got her when she was just a few weeks old

Well lets get one thing straight

O.k. I didn't mean to give you the wrong idea

I throw on my wifes bathrobe because it is soft and comty

I had a real mans bathrobe but when I put it away last winter it some how disappeared

It got misplaced and I don't have the heart to tell my wife

I put something where it should never be

In the land of all lost things

Where my bathrobe takes up no space

It can't be found no matter how hard I look

It has found a home that serves it better

Since I have neglected it from the start

Even though I say I miss it so much

Why wouldn't I have taken better care of it

So if my man's bathrobe could hear me speak

It would think something like this

You waited till I was gone and you gave up searching for me

After only a couple of days

By taking my place with a fluffy blue and pink imposter 100% polyester robe

I was out of sight but you were always on my mind

That's not true replaced me with a she

A bathrobe only womean should wear

You have tossed me aside like a rag doll

If that wasn't painful enough

You add insult to injury

By walking around all nice and warm

Bragging this isn't half bad

I never realized what I missed

Stop this nonsense

I won't hear another word of it

You are not even thinking of me anymore

So if that's the way you want it

I will show you

Wait till some of your friends find out you parade in the house after dark In a womans frilly robe

I think that is the femine side of you coming out

I have noticed you have also taken your wifes fluffy slippers on occasion too

Are you beginning to start a trend

Or have you gone off your wits end

What is going on with you ?

Snap out of it

Are you suffering from depression ?

Are you having split personalities that are secretly acting out

I just want to be back in your life

The first thing you would grab every night

I don't care if once and awhile you pull your wifes bathrobe out and wear it

I am not an ego maniac like some people think

But we have to set some hard fast rules

I get a front spot in the closet and she ( your female bathrobe)

Gets put in the back almost unseen when the closet door is opened

You have to feel around and find her adventually

You find me first and say you are sorry

I will accept your apology if you really mean it

I am not as mean as others would think and make me out to be

I have to be manly and no frills for me

I am terry cloth and all white

No frills no flamboyant colors ever

The color white is pure and bold

I am the freshness that you need and see when you get up the first thing in the morning

Every morning

O.k. I get summers off because I make you too hot

I can settle for nine months of the year

I will enjoy the summer off since you caused me all kinds of stress and anxiety

You almost made me go see a shrink

I new it wasn't me

Just your strange change in color and odd behavior

Your imagination playing tricks on you again

When you bought me

I was one of those fancy cruise ship bathrobes that kept you warm late at night

You brought me home and I haven't been on a cruise since

Does that seem fair to me ?

I have one large pocket on your right side to store kleenex and money in

Yeah your right who needs money that bad

I know you can't use it in your sleep

But your pocket is big enough to hold anything of value

So it won't get lost

When you agree  and take me back to be your  best buddy

Where I can pamper you in a manly way with my plushness and comfort

The way I use to with home security

Even though you can't wrap me around your waist no more

It couldn't be that your putting on the extra pounds and you lost the tie rope that goes around you waist

I don't care as long as you sign the contract that you see in front of you

So be loyal and true

To many I am just a bathrobe

To you I am an old friend who has come back to stay

As long as you find me before I dry rot away



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    • DREAM ON profile image

      DREAM ON 6 years ago

      Dim Flaxenwick I could just buy another one.But it wouldn't be the same.I will just keep on looking for it.In the meantime Charlette will just keep having fun.Thank you so much.

    • Dim Flaxenwick profile image

      Dim Flaxenwick 6 years ago from Great Britain

      This was an absolute hoot. Laughed till l cried. Hope you find the poor thing.

    • DREAM ON profile image

      DREAM ON 6 years ago

      Poetvix I think she thinks it is her favorite blanket and is letting me know it's hers not mine.She is claiming her territory.Instead of carving her name in a wall she simply leaves a claw or two.Pixienot She knows she can walk all over daddy with robe or no robe.Ouch!!I thought I was smart when she eats out of my hand.Who is the real boss?Watercat87 I think you are so right.It is a master plan.I will have to search on the internet for ways to stop her plan before it is completed.I think for now I will just wear long underwear under my pajamas to keep my skin protected.I put her down.But she seems so lovable and sad when I turn her away.I have to keep telling myself it is a trick.She is playing a cat to tease me like they do mice.Have a great day everyone and thanks for all the great comments.

    • profile image

      watercat87 6 years ago

      Sometimes I think my cat kneads me because she is figuring out where the vital organs are... so she can easily dispose of me when the Takeover begins... ;)

    • Pixienot profile image

      Pixienot 6 years ago from Clarksville, Indiana

      Did you ever consider simply that your cat "needs" you? Or, perish the thought no matter who wears the bathrobe, she is at home? Hmm...just a thought!

    • poetvix profile image

      poetvix 6 years ago from Gone from Texas but still in the south. Surrounded by God's country.

      I suspect the robe put the kitty up to the kneading just to pay back the feminine imposter! Super funny hub.

    • DREAM ON profile image

      DREAM ON 6 years ago

      Kathryn 1000 It is amazing how kittens can find the littlest things to enjoy.Thanks for reading.

    • kathryn1000 profile image

      kathryn1000 6 years ago from London

      I really like that one!

    • DREAM ON profile image

      DREAM ON 6 years ago

      Micky Dee I am realizing how the actions we take every day(slowly) change us in the future.Every day things can be so much fun if we look at them in a different light.I knead more out of life and no matter how hard I try to sit back and relax my mind keeps pushing to become better.Thanks and hope all is well.

    • Micky Dee profile image

      Micky Dee 6 years ago

      I knead you- do you knead me? God bless DREAM ON!

    • DREAM ON profile image

      DREAM ON 6 years ago

      Heart4theword Either way I am so lucky.I guess the claw marks will heal in time.What a wonderful feeling to be loved so much.Thanks for reading.

    • heart4theword profile image

      heart4theword 6 years ago from hub

      Yes, I do believe your cat kneads you...or is it your bathrobe:)