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My Confession: I Doubt..What's The Point ?

Updated on July 10, 2013
James-wolve profile image

Tijani Achamlal is an English Teacher in Nador, Morocco.He studied English Literature in Mohamed 1 Univ .

I gave you everything
I had and it
still wasn’t
enough.

A golden ring
Money
My time
My virginity

I still think about our time
together even when
things got
tough,
rough,
impossible to mend.

I doubt
that you were ever in love with me
or sincerly felt me anytime
our lips combined
I doubt that your love
was until the last breath
or until God do us part
I even doubt love itself.

I thought
you were a musical rare note
like Perdita in winter's tales
someone
could make any grey skies turn blue
someone
incredible,
impossible to have twice in a life

Now what is the point behind this
as I write in my balcony and seep coffee
from thermos no longer retains heat?
about this resurrection?
about this writing?

One-sided devotion to
a memory
wont make all shall be well
all in all
time tickling away
sliding like sand though my fingers
and my earthly frame on the verge of shrinking
what is the point ?
who is to blame ?
for the wrath I found hard
to release and hold
For the struggle
between
your expectations
and my reality.


It is 30 degrees outside now,
and I am awkwardly wearing socks you knit for me;
the blue ones with a heart
on each sides
I know
I am a fool
living
in another season.
no need to remind me
of the summer
I am out of the zone
since I was born
outdated
living a life not wished.
Moses rode
as well as the ark of the convenants disappeared.
and magic wand exists only in fairy tales
what is the point ?
and I am already gone
no more hold by the hand!!


I doubt love is about rainbows
or humming birds
love is a lifetime strife
compromises..
..nothing in vain
..everything to gain

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    • HeatherH104 profile image

      HeatherH104 3 years ago from USA

      Wow. Wish I had a better comment, all I can say is I think it's a place we've all been.

    • James-wolve profile image
      Author

      Tijani Achamlal 3 years ago from Morocco

      HeatherH104,

      Thanks so much for your sweet comment.You really said much in few words;) lol

    • wayne barrett profile image

      Wayne Barrett 3 years ago from Clearwater Florida

      Very well constructed Piece, James. I love the stream of thought parlaying your emotion. Voting up and sharing.

    • Romeos Quill profile image

      Romeos Quill 3 years ago from Lincolnshire, England

      A hurtful, and awkward heart-rending repetition of the dawn, and sunset of that one-way love many have given....an abuse of that most prized of blessings, but I believe that one never loses whilst helping others to win.Love is supreme, but as you've poignantly illustrated, some folk are not.Well written, and sharing.

      Yours Sincerely,

      R.Q.

    • James-wolve profile image
      Author

      Tijani Achamlal 3 years ago from Morocco

      Wayne,

      Thanks so much for your insight.I really appreciate that.I just followed the stream of my consciousness.

    • James-wolve profile image
      Author

      Tijani Achamlal 3 years ago from Morocco

      Romeos Quill,

      Yes love is supreme but sometimes you doubt its power and its ability to cure broken hearts.Thanks for your insight.I really appreciate it.

      Have a wonderful day there!

    • Karen Hellier profile image

      Karen Hellier 3 years ago from Georgia

      This poem reminds me of a time in my life where I have been there, done that. But you have written it all out so much more beautifully than I ever could. Great job. Voted up and beautiful, in spite of the raw pain showing through.

    • MartieCoetser profile image

      Martie Coetser 3 years ago from South Africa

      Indeed, nothing is in vain. For some reason wisdom is only obtainable while we are experiencing a lot of pain.

      Touching poem....

    • Minnetonka Twin profile image

      Linda Rogers 3 years ago from Minnesota

      Such a sad description of love gone bad. It hurts so much when love is not reciprocated or honored. I can still think back about a break up in college that left me depressed and in pain, for months and months. OUCH! hurts just thinking about it. Hope your heart is healed these days :-)

    • James-wolve profile image
      Author

      Tijani Achamlal 3 years ago from Morocco

      Karen,

      Thanks for your insight.Everyone had a broken heart to amend.Some succeeded,some failed,some still on the process.

      Have a nice day there!

    • James-wolve profile image
      Author

      Tijani Achamlal 3 years ago from Morocco

      MartieCoetser,

      Thanks for your insight.I agree with you. pain is the necessary stairway to wisdom.

    • Cantuhearmescream profile image

      Cat 3 years ago from New York

      My dear gentle wolf,

      I hope you are not regressing! This is so beautiful and I know your heart writes these words and these words my heart understands. I believe you know who you are and I believe you know you are beautiful. You must never look back and turn what was love at one time to anything less, that is unfair to yourself and unfair to your heart. When someone dies, do we love them less, do we remember the bad times or do we remember the wonderful memories they've helped us to create? Our hearts are like photo albums; there are soooo many pictures and some will bring back wonderful feelings and some will just make you cry, but at the moment that individual picture was taken, it was truth! Let your love be a truth and now a memory and you still have so many pages left to be filled in your album, you must leave room for them to be filled!

      Hugs and love to you James,

      Cat

    • rose-the planner profile image

      rose-the planner 3 years ago from Toronto, Ontario-Canada

      "I thought you were a musical rare note like Perdita in winter's tales", such a beautiful reference to Shakespeare's heroine in his Winter's Tales work. This is certainly one of the most impressively written Poems I have read thus far. Each word that you have strung together expresses a different emotion of sadness, anger, resentment, disillusionment, fond memories and so on. You are genuinely talented. Thank you for sharing. (Voted Up) -Rose

    • Faith Reaper profile image

      Faith Reaper 3 years ago from southern USA

      This is truly a superb write here . . . Wow, really each line and each carefully chosen word vividly expresses the torment in your heart and, yes, I am sure after experiencing such, doubt, as relates to love, truly comes to mind!

      As relates to Perdita in Winter's Tales, how ironic, as I had just quoted about such the other day in a hub that is now unpublished ... I am still working on . . . Yes, "the lost she" and then there's that reality of life when living life thinking you are one person, but then finding out you are another!

      Your pain is evident, and I am truly sorry you are suffering with such great intensity. I pray you do not give up on love in this lifetime, and that you will know of it again. True love never dies. I know the heart is so very tricky, and if this "she" is now lost and her love was not true, even though your love for her obviously was, then you deserve to know of that true love from another, not her. I pray too that in time your heart will heal and then it may be opened once again to receive love.

      Voted up ++++ and sharing

      Hugs and love,

      Faith Reaper

    • ocfireflies profile image

      ocfireflies 3 years ago from North Carolina

      I love the image of the socks with hearts worn on such a cold day. I like how this image captures the contradiction felt by the persona. It is the concrete vs. the abstract. Excellent work. Voted Up.

      Best Always,

      Kim

    • James-wolve profile image
      Author

      Tijani Achamlal 3 years ago from Morocco

      Minnetonka Twin,

      We all experience pain in our lives. Unfortunately, our attempts to manage pain often turns it into suffering instead of relief.We should face it by looking clearly and directly at what is actually happened , without rejecting, clinging to, ignoring, or elaborating.The true nature of pain is transitory and impermanent.Writing is best gear to rely on if we want to sail to a safe harbor .

      Thanks so much for your insight.

    • James-wolve profile image
      Author

      Tijani Achamlal 3 years ago from Morocco

      Cutest Cat,

      You are so sweet too.Thanks so much for your stand and concern.They mean a lot to me .Writing as you know is a sort of therapy to me.It lets the air out of the tire of Pain and sometimes, pain is all that lets us know we re alive.You r right .I should take from that experience sweet memories and filled them in my album.Great words Cat!

      I am trying my best to do the best!

      Have a nice day there!

      much love and tons of hugs to you

      James

    • Cantuhearmescream profile image

      Cat 3 years ago from New York

      Dear James,

      I hope you know I am speaking out of love and not lecturing. I very much appreciate and relate to where your heart is now and I should learn to take my own advice! :D ... it's easy to hurt, but it's hard to see someone else we care about hurt. I want you to always keep writing and yes, it is therapeutic... for you and readers like me. I know I write what I feel and I should be the last one to talk :D

      I hope you have a wonderful weekend... and you're doing good enough!

      Much love and tons of hugs to you... smile!

      Cat

    • marcoujor profile image

      Maria Jordan 3 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

      James,

      As you are learning and reminding us all, everything in life has a great potential to teach us something...your words are raw and show great emotion. Each sentence is strength building and self affirming to me.

      Voted UP and UABI. Hugs, Maria

    • James-wolve profile image
      Author

      Tijani Achamlal 3 years ago from Morocco

      rose-the planner,

      Thanks so much for your insight.It really boosts my confidence and encourages me to write more of my emotional crescendos .

      James

    • James-wolve profile image
      Author

      Tijani Achamlal 3 years ago from Morocco

      Faith,

      Sorry for late reply. Thanks for your sweet and encouraging words.You know after years of disappointment, heart break and unhappy endings, it can be very easy to close down on love(for me there isnt something called real or fake love, only love there is) . No matter how hard it is,I am learning to forgive and forget.Writing and friends like you here in this beautiful hubville are helping me a lot to let go of.

      Much love and tons of hugs to you !

      James

    • James-wolve profile image
      Author

      Tijani Achamlal 3 years ago from Morocco

      ocfireflies,

      Thanks for your comment and visit.I am glad you liked that image.It boosts my confidence!

    • Faith Reaper profile image

      Faith Reaper 3 years ago from southern USA

      Thank you Dearest James,

      Oh, things here on HubPages move so fast, it is hard for me to keep up and comment on all of the amazing writes that are published each and everyday, so no reason for hurrying to reply.

      That is a very profound statement there about love ... and I agree ... only love there is, very beautiful. If you know this, then I know you are going to be just fine once your heart heals a bit each day.

      Much love and tons of hugs back to you too!

      Faith Reaper

    • James-wolve profile image
      Author

      Tijani Achamlal 3 years ago from Morocco

      Cutest Cat and Sweet Kit Kat,

      Sorry for late reply .Yeah.. writing emotions down is a good medicine.It helps us get in touch with that side of ourselves and can help us progress on the path to healing.I am learning too from you...as you scratch my back,I scratch yours too lol

      Have a wonderful day there.

      Much love and tons hugs to you

    • Cantuhearmescream profile image

      Cat 3 years ago from New York

      Oh Sweet and Gentle Wolf,

      You needn't ever apologize, I understand... trust me. You are so right and I was just saying today, I'd love to have some wonderful, uplifting inspiration to write about and share, but I'm stuck in a ho hum blues kind of mood lately, but we write what we know, right? It does a body good and a heart, mind and soul. You betcha... I'm here to scratch your back for as long as you need it dear!

      Much love and tons of hugs to you!

      Cat

    • James-wolve profile image
      Author

      Tijani Achamlal 3 years ago from Morocco

      marcoujor,

      Thanks for your visit.I ve nothing better to say than Lance Armstrong s words:

      Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.

      Have a nice day there!

    • James-wolve profile image
      Author

      Tijani Achamlal 3 years ago from Morocco

      Faith,

      Thanks for your nice sweet words...yeah things going so fast here,I am trying also to keep up with the flood :)

      You know love is our true destiny and the only way to happiness . I invest on it and I know its gains are guaranteed.

      Much love and tons of hugs to you!

    • James-wolve profile image
      Author

      Tijani Achamlal 3 years ago from Morocco

      Cutest Cat and Sweet Kit Kat,

      Maybe there is something bothering you.If so,dont dwell on what went wrong.Just identify what you learned and what you can do with that knowledge to make your next moments better.

      Much love and tons of hugs!

      Have a beautiful weekend!

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