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My Deadly Endeavor

Updated on July 3, 2011

I promised everyone that I would never see you again.

But how could I let you go? You are my friend.

Just the thought of you comforts me.

You give me promise of an eternal place to be.

All I have to do is swallow and I can be with you forever.

I could just disappear by completing my deadly endeavor.

I wouldn't have to worry about the pain anymore.

But the door opens and I drop the pills to the floor.

My husband looks at me in my eyes.

I try to cover up and think of some lies.

With tears in his eyes, he says, "You will never fool me again. I already know."

Angrily I whispered to my friend, "Because of you off to the hospital again I go."

Another suicidal episode has appeared.

But now my family knows the signs, they can save my life due to being better geared.

I am glad that I didn't complete my deadly endeavor.

Because then my family would have to deal with the pain of my death forever and ever.


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    • sassyk73 profile imageAUTHOR

      Karen A. Harris 

      7 years ago from Milwaukee, WI

      @Romancer...thank you for sharing your story. You are here because God has a plan for you and I am so glad that I met you. What you have told me about what you saw during the time you attempted suicide has really made me think. I have suicidal tendencies often. I have been hospitalized twice. I feel like I am working on my third right now. But I am trying to control it. It is so hard dealing with the pain. I have rapid cycling bipolar and my moods change so much. I have a hard time getting control of myself. I try to explain to others but they think I am just putting on. They don't understand that I have no control over my emotions and I can't just cut them off. I get closer and closer to killing myself every time I crash. No, it's not okay to take that way out and I understand that. It's just I wish this pain would go away. I have been dealing with this since I was teenager. I appreciate your words of encouragement. Your story had me in tears. I know and understand. But the revelation you received was meant to tell you that you have a calling on your life and God brought you to me to have my own revelation about what will happen to me if I actually succeed. Thank you again. I cannot express how much your words mean to me. You are a brave woman :) Spirit Whisperer is right in saying that what you shared is truly a gift from you to me. God Bless You.

      @Spirit Whisperer...I am glad that you stopped by. Your comments are always welcome. Thank you so much for your encouraging words. Every time you stop by it is very comforting. God Bless You.

    • Spirit Whisperer profile image

      Xavier Nathan 

      7 years ago from Isle of Man

      How can anyone follow that comment from Romancer of Life? She has given you wonderful advice and it comes from the heart. What a beautiful gift from one human being to another. I am so glad I stopped by to read this poem and Romancer of Life's beautiful gift to you.

    • ROMANCER OF LIFE profile image


      7 years ago from Honolulu, Hawaii

      I'm so sorry... I just noticed there was a lot of "but's" in my previous comment. I am so sorry for that. I really need to get to bed *laugh* I'll try to fix it when I can :D

      Happy 4th of July!


    • ROMANCER OF LIFE profile image


      7 years ago from Honolulu, Hawaii


      You are strong, beautiful, and very talented. I to am familiar with this "deadly endeavor." I had a lot of challenges as a child growing up. Somehow I managed to have a normal childhood, not showing any of my scars on my sleeves. Was the popular girl in school, but no one really knew. I blendid in very well, but I had dark secrets that I kept burried deep within me. But I kinda blew it off going on with my life, not really letting it bring me down. But then... I got pregnant at 15, having her at 16 and long story short, her father took her away from me. The court ordered him custody and I lost myself. My world was gone... in a heart beat I lost control of who I was. I lost everything having to rebuild myself again. But it would take me 3 years to start that build. But before the rebuilding... it was hell. I did things that I never thought I'd see myself doing. Drinking, smoking ciggarettes, and drugs. I tried to drink myself into a coma all the time so that I wouldn't feel the pain. I must of overdosed so many times I lost count. But for some reason, I was never successful at dying *laugh* I would always end up waking up running to the bathroom to puke my brains out. It didn't work for me the first time, so I would try again and again and again until I was successful and guess what? I was never successful! I even tried suffocating myself a few times... that never worked. But... 3 years later a few of my friends were successful at hanging themselves and dying and I said... if it works for them, then it will work for me. So one day after partying all night, my friend dropped me off at home. That morning I hung myself in our garage. I remember being on the rope very calm and excited to leave this world. The feeling of leaving took my mind off of the pain in my head. My head felt like it was about to burst. Then all of a sudden I heard a pop sound in my ear and the next thing I knew... I was in a place that was gloomy and depressing. Sadness every where. You could hear people... moaning, groaning, screaming, & crying. I wasn't quite certain where I was... but I stood up off of the ground and started walking around. The longer I was there the more intense the feeling of sadness grew. Everyone there was moping around like they were prisoners to their sadness. Shortly after realizing what I did and where I was... I became very scared. I didn't want to be there anymore. I plopped myself to the ground rocking myself back and forth. The intense feeling of sadness felt like it was consuming me. I began to cry and sound just like the others there. Then I looked up to see one of my friends who's suicide lead me to my actions, his name was "Carlos." Anyways... He glanced at me with his sad, sad, eyes... wheeping, moaning and groaning. He looked grey like everyone else. His face was long and sad. His eyes were black and empty. He walked passed me and had no idea who I was. I began to cry. While rocking myself back and forth I wished at that moment that I could go back and undo this. I closed my eyes and the next thing I knew I was gasping for air, trying to breathe but quickly realized that I was still dangling from the rope. I had no energy at all to open my eyes and pull myself up. I was dangling on the rope when I calmly told myself that if you do not get off of this rope quick... you are going right back to that place. I knew for certain that I did not want to go back there. So I knew my only option was to ask God for strength so that I could get myself off that rope. As soon as I did that, my arms went up the rope I pulled myself up and I managed to get my neck loose. As soon as I did that my body plopped to the floor and I began gasping for air. I couldn't move, I was in a lot of pain, and I was weak. I must of dozed in and out of conciousness because an hour later I found myself still on the garage floor. I was confused at first as to how I got there, until I saw the rope and the bucket. I got up so fast to get rid of the evidence. Ran to my room and would spend many, many days trying to hide the bruise on my neck from my mother. I never told anyone about it, until 4 years ago, when I shared it with a friend, my sister, and my mother.

      I know now where suiciders go and the lord blessed me with a second chance. Today... I love life. I'm still learning about challenges and acceptance, but the only way to heal a scar on the inside, is to love yourself from the inside out and forgive those who brought you pain and hurt. Because the lord will take care of them.

      Most people don't believe my story... I can't say I blame them. But I wanted to let you know that the pain don't ever go away... the pain will follow you. God favors you and that is why you are still here with us today. Love your life... you are very talented in writing and your write so beautifully!

      I'm sorry if I sound all over the place. I am so tired... it is 2:40am so I am a little delirious... *laugh* I hope you don't mind this comment. I just wanted to share with you an experience of my own. It is probably poorly written because my eyes are half way close *smile* but trust that it was written with love.

      Have a blessed day!



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