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My First Hooker

Updated on September 28, 2009

It was 3 pm on a Sunday and I was crisscrossing the streets of downtown looking for girls. I started the day playing Grand Theft Auto and drinking malt liquor. By my third 40 of Old English picking up a hooker with $50 my Grandma gave me for my birthday became the best idea I ever had. Here’s how it went down.

I had no idea where to start my hooker shopping. Maybe my expectations were unrealistic, but I wasn’t looking for your basic street prostitute. I wanted a bionic hooker with super powers. I wanted a hooker who could unhinge her jaw like a boa constrictor. Someone who had 6 fingers on both hands and gills so she never had to come up for air.

After about 40 minutes of aimless driving (and a small collision with a parking meter while pissing in an empty malt liquor bottle) I decided to lower my standards. Instead of extra fingers and gills I would settle for opposable thumbs and a pulse. I headed to skid row.

Just past the rehabilitation center I saw a homeless guy under the cross town bridge. He was sitting in an armchair reading a Hustler. I figured he was a good place to start.

“Hey, Andy Arm Chair, got a minute?”

Andy glared at me like I was the one sitting on a chair I found in a dumpster. Eventually he walked over to my car. His teeth were as yellow as urine.

“Yea?"

Andy’s breath scared me. I quickly farted to cover up the smell. It was the only thing that could have kept me from vomiting on myself. It didn’t work. I puked a little.

“I’m looking for a hooker” I said as I picked chunks of Funions off my shirt.

Andy didn’t answer me, but instead turned and yelled over his shoulder.

“Shelly!”

I didn’t see Shelly when I pulled up because she was peeing behind a barrel. She wiped herself with a sock, put the sock back on her foot, and walked over to my car. Without saying anything Andy opened my car door and returned to his Hustler. Shelly didn’t say anything either and got in my car.

“What’s your fake hooker name?” I asked.

“Ecstasy” she answered. “You a cop?”

“No, do you have gills?”

Ecstasy looked to be about 40 but was probably 25. Her eyes (one real one glass) had as much baggage as she did. She could also challenge Andy for teeth yellowness.

“Whip it out" Ecstasy said.

“Shouldn’t we go somewhere first?”

“Whip it out so I know you’re not a cop.”

Ecstasy was wearing a Scooby-Doo nightgown and smelled like Vagisil. Per her request I pulled my junk out of my pajama pants and waved it at her. She didn’t seem impressed.

“It’s cold out" I explained.

Ecstasy shook her head and rolled her eye. I started driving.

“What are you looking to spend?” she asked in her pack-a-day voice.

“What does fifty bucks get me?”

Ecstasy turned to me and smiled. Several of her front teeth were broken and her gums were bleeding slightly. Her tongue was fury.

“Let’s go to your place and I’ll show you.”

My house was about 10 minutes away. Three quarters of the way there Ecstasy broke the awkward silence.

“Does your toilet work? I have to shit.”

When we got to my house it turned out Ecstasy was right, she did have to shit. She was in the bathroom for a good 20 minutes. When she was done I went into the bathroom, un-screwed the toilet seat and threw it in the trash. If she had taken a shower I would have moved.

“I hate it when I shit blood” Ecstasy said putting a sock back on. “You ready?”

I was sitting in my easy chair when Ecstasy walked towards me. She slid off her panties. For the second time that night I threw up on myself.

Considering the nature of Ecstasy’s occupation I figured she would be well groomed down south. I was wrong. Her muff was like Santa's beard: long, grey, and full of crumbs. Her naked body reminded me of grainy concentration camp footage. There were so many veins in her legs I thought it was a map of city bus routes.

Ecstasy climbed on top of me. Her boney ass was grinding on my hips and it made this eerie clicking sound like when Ethiopian people talk. I had to make her face the other way, though, because her whiskers kept tickling my cheek.

“If you want you can shoot it on my glass eye. It wipes right off.”

Banging a boney crack whore is like trying to achieve an orgasm while watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Daisy is kind of hot but at the end of the day she’s still a fucking duck. I knew there was no way I could finish, so I faked it.

I decided the best way to signify to Ecstasy that I was done was by shoving her to the floor and sprinting for the bathroom. I scrubbed myself from bellybutton to knee caps with Clorox and Pine Sol. Unfortunately I couldn’t clean my memory. I never drank malt liquor again.

Bixbie74@yahoo.com

"Hey Big Boy..."

What did you think?

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    • profile image

      Jake 

      6 years ago

      Lol, I enjoyed the subtler parts (were there subtler parts?). "She rolled her eye." Or "putting a sock back on" implying she'd just used it (again).

    • Farmer Ted profile image

      Farmer Ted 

      7 years ago from US

      "I quickly farted to cover up the smell."

      Nicely done.

    • profile image

      amamatak 

      8 years ago

      In the Philippines, we do not have that description of hooker you described. They are mostly beautiful and are sweet smelling. Try to let that kind of hooker ply her treade in our place. Even a dead drunk dude would not touch her.

    • TwO1FouR profile image

      TwO1FouR 

      8 years ago from Dallas, TX

      So funny. Lol! "she rolled her eye" haha

    • BeccaHubbardWoods profile image

      Becca Hubbard-Woods 

      8 years ago from Outside your window.

      lmfao again. i love your sick sense of humor. i shall go on to read more.

    • Carmen Borthwick profile image

      Carmen Borthwick 

      9 years ago from Maple Ridge, B.C.

      I wasn't quite sure what to think when I first started reading...WTF is this guy thinking! Well, I didn't puke on myself but I gagged a couple of times. If she had used the shower he would have moved? But he gets it 'not on' with her, the guy has serious problems. OOOOOOH.

      Funny in a disturbing way, especially as I live in a quiet, suburban neighbourhood with a hooker, that sounds like what you describe only a fatter version, just around the corner. She is frequently dropped off adjusting her clothes outside my house by a red car that barely lets her close the door before hurrying off. What colour is your car? LOL Good story teller Bo Bixbie

    • Jerry Cracker profile image

      Jerry Cracker 

      9 years ago

      hey Bo, You didn't happen to get her number or the number of the pay phone she might hang out at????????

      if so can you shoot that my way????????

    • profile image

      way2old 

      9 years ago

      Women have it easier? Hello???? They have to sleep with men. Duh. I remember some guy talking about how easy chicks have it because they can get laid anytime or even get paid for it. I pointed out that there were plenty of people willing to have sex with him and many were willing to pay. Problem: all those people were men.

    • MikeNV profile image

      MikeNV 

      9 years ago from Henderson, NV

      This is entertaining and disturbing all in one.

    • profile image

      Chicago guy 

      9 years ago

      I thought I was in fairly good shape, but my abs are hurting from laughing too hard.

    • Info Help profile image

      Info Help 

      9 years ago from Chicago

      very funny hub! I had to read it twice. Keep up the great creative writing.

    • Rayhne profile image

      Rayhne 

      9 years ago

      HA HA That was really great! I was trying to hold in my laughter here at work!! Can't wait to tell my boss!

    • Bo Bixbie profile imageAUTHOR

      Bo Bixbie 

      9 years ago from Mid-West

      JuatanotherGirl and Paul:

      Thanks for the compliments. Tha's cool of you guys to take the time to leave a comment. I'm going to check out your hubs right now.

    • Paul Marshall profile image

      Paul Marshall 

      9 years ago from Australia

      Oh god I laughed at this story. I don't care if it is true or not, it is bloody funny. Please give us all more like this. How I wish that I had the ability to write with this style. Well done.

    • JustanotherGirl profile image

      JustanotherGirl 

      9 years ago from Knoxville, Tennessee

      Haha, great story. I laughed so hard my roommate asked what was up. She laughed after reading it too.

    • Wendi M profile image

      Wendi M 

      9 years ago from New Hampshire

      Your story is, seriously, "laugh out loud" hilarious...my eyes are still watering from laughing so hard.

    • profile image

      lela 

      9 years ago

      Well geeze guys. You can always think of prostitutes as donation to charity with giving when you are in that mood, without having to do anything. One day they may get out of the complexities of their situation and have funds to survive and to study for a job. Didn't think about that did you, guys are so conforming to right and wrong, they don't have so much the nurturing aspect of a women, which is why guys should listen to the women when they become emotional, because they are not being heard. So many fall to financial distress, just to get out of the guys home, which should be theirs. Interestingly, male neighbours and tradesmen, not even living with me behave with controlling behaviours over me. I'd rather be a prostitute than to be with them.

    • profile image

      Adam B 

      9 years ago

      BRAVO!!! Funny shit, I like the little details like, how her muff had more crumbs in it than santa. Great hub!

    • Delaney Boling profile image

      Delaney Boling 

      9 years ago

      You're a God! Aren't you that guy who's permanently banned from "Build-A-Bear" in the mall?

    • Bo Bixbie profile imageAUTHOR

      Bo Bixbie 

      9 years ago from Mid-West

      Thanks Brandi. A lot of people have been asking me if it is a true story.

      I saw a hooker who fits Ecstasy's descprition and then I saw a guy pick her up. It got me thinking about how drunk one would have to be to pick up a girl like that and what taking her to your house would be like. A story was born!

      Thanks for reading!

    • profile image

      Brandi 

      9 years ago

      You're a pretty good story teller.. LOL Whether its true or not... I feel sorry for men, that get so desperate to bust a nut, that they have to get prostitutes... woman have it way easier... lol

    • profile image

      Wain man 

      9 years ago

      Interesting story, fact or fiction?

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