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My Mother-In-Law's Cushion: Flash Fiction by cam

Updated on July 25, 2015
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Chris has written more than 100 flash fiction/short stories.Working Vacation took 21st out of 6,700 in the 2016 Writer's Digest competition.

A Cactus Known as Echinocactus grusonii, aka, Mother-in-law's Cushion

Source

Author's Note

I've been practicing writing flash fiction stories in various genres in preparation for the upcoming NYC Midnight Flash Fiction Challenge which begins on July 31, 2015 and ends in December. There are two sessions for all participants. Those who place within the top five of their particular groups will proceed on to session three. The same criteria apply to moving on to the finals. I'll be posting my stories here after the judges receive their email copies.

This is a flash fiction story in the comedy genre. Thanks to my friend, Michelle, for providing the prompts of Genre-Comedy, Location-A car dealership, Object-A potted plant.

Here is my story, My Mother-in-law's Cushion

Chris/cam8510

My Mother-in-law's Cushion

“What the hell is it,” said my boss, Leroy, when he arrived a few minutes after I did at the used car dealership which he owned. He was standing there, holding a brown paper bag with his lunch in it, staring as if the thing might reach out and bite him if he were to venture too close.

“You’re not going to believe this, but I’ll tell you anyway,” I said.

“If I don’t believe you, Roger, it’s because half of what comes out of that gob of yours is BS.”

“Not true, not true. It’s seventy five percent or it’s nothing,” I said. “That’s why I became a used car salesman, and it’s why you hired me in the first place.”

“Keep talking like that in this fine establishment and you’ll be looking for work someplace else. You still haven’t told me what that….that….thing, is.”

Source

The houseplant was rooted in a pot the size of a washtub. Dozens of raised ribs, like tiny mountain ranges, ran from top to bottom with stiff needles pointing out in every direction.

“It’s my Mother-in-law’s Cushion.”

“HeHeHe. Wouldn’t we all like to assist that particular woman in our lives onto that particular cushion?” If he were really contemplating his mother-in-law and the cactus, which actually is known as a Mother-in-law’s Cushion, the mental scene must have involved said woman plucking one inch, yellow spines out of her unfortunate behind.

Source

“Where should I put it?” I said.

“How about...., oh, never mind, just put it in your car and take it wherever the hell you want to, but it’s not defiling these sacred halls.”

“Come on Leroy. Look, we can put it right over here by the front door where everyone can admire it when they walk in.”

“And the first little cookie cruncher that comes running in will think it’s a big, bouncy ball, and we’ll be tossing a lawsuit back and forth with his parents for the next year. No thanks pal, get it out of here, pronto.”

“This cactus is a big deal among garden designers, Leroy, especially here in southern California where the climate is perfect for them. It will grow little white flowers all around the crown, and people will stop by just to see this awesome specimen of the Echinocactus genus. It may be relatively small now, but picture a three foot tall, barrel cactus right outside those doors with people milling around, oohing and awing and then coming inside, happy to buy a car from a local, highly respected businessman who is so cultured as to have this…”—I shut my gob long enough to dramatically point at the ugly thing just like Vanna White might do it—“piece of fine, organic art on display.”

Source

“You actually rehearsed that bull shit, didn’t you?”

“Maybe a little bit after dinner last night. And some more on the way to work, but what do you say, Leroy. Can I plant it outside?”

“If it’s such a wonderful piece of….fine, organic art, why don’t you plant it at your house?”

“Because I, um, I’m allergic to it. If I at least have it here at work, my mother-in-law will know I appreciate it.”

“Garden designers, huh?”

“Yes, the kind that design gardens….”

“You don’t say.”

“I was going to say the kind that design gardens for the rich and famous. You know, people with lots and lots of money to spend on things like….cars, trucks and vans.”

“And these rich, famous folks are going to come to a used car lot to look at your Mother-in-law’s Cushion, then, after becoming completely awestruck, will walk in and purchase a 1999 Subaru?”

“Stranger things have happened.”

“Yeah, in a Stephen King novel.”

“You’re thinking about it, aren’t you?”

“You’ll have to put a fence up around it to keep the cookie crunchers away.”

“No problem boss,” I said, as he walked to his office.

Source

A few minutes later, Leroy came into my cubicle holding something behind his back.

“Here,” he said. “Hang this on your wall.”

“What is it?” I said.

“It’s the salesman of the month award. Comes with a prime parking space out front. After the sales pitch you just gave me, you deserve it.”

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    • cam8510 profile image
      Author

      Chris Mills 21 months ago from St. Louis, MO until the end of June, 2017

      Thanks mactavers, It was fun to write, especially after I learned about "my mother in law's cushion." What a name for a cactus.

    • mactavers profile image

      mactavers 21 months ago

      I especially loved the ending.

    • cam8510 profile image
      Author

      Chris Mills 21 months ago from St. Louis, MO until the end of June, 2017

      Michael, I am so glad you liked this little story. It's one of my favorites. Nice to see you today.

    • Michael-Milec profile image

      Michael-Milec 21 months ago

      Serious results come out when funny things are persuasive. You came up with A plus performance Chris.

      Voted up.

    • cam8510 profile image
      Author

      Chris Mills 21 months ago from St. Louis, MO until the end of June, 2017

      thumbi7, I'm glad you liked the story. I hope your mother in law thinks it's funny too.

    • thumbi7 profile image

      JR Krishna 21 months ago from India

      Funny read. I will share this with my mother -in-law :)

      Thanks for sharing

    • cam8510 profile image
      Author

      Chris Mills 22 months ago from St. Louis, MO until the end of June, 2017

      Deb, I believe he could sell snowballs to an Eskimo. Thanks for stopping by. I'm glad you enjoyed the story.

    • aviannovice profile image

      Deb Hirt 22 months ago from Stillwater, OK

      That was excellent. It brought a smile to my face. That clown can sell anybody anything, can't he?

    • cam8510 profile image
      Author

      Chris Mills 22 months ago from St. Louis, MO until the end of June, 2017

      Thank you Larry. I appreciate the comment.

    • cam8510 profile image
      Author

      Chris Mills 22 months ago from St. Louis, MO until the end of June, 2017

      Venkatachari M, I'm glad you enjoyed my effort to write a funny story. It is not easy. My hat is off to anyone who can do it on a regular basis. I appreciate the compliment as well.

    • Larry Rankin profile image

      Larry Rankin 22 months ago from Oklahoma

      Very entertaining. Great work!

    • Venkatachari M profile image

      Venkatachari M 22 months ago from Hyderabad, India

      Great idea and wonderful story. Very funny and entertaining. You are a great storyteller, Chris (cam 8510). Thanks for it.

      Voted up and awesome and sharing it on G+.

    • cam8510 profile image
      Author

      Chris Mills 22 months ago from St. Louis, MO until the end of June, 2017

      Lorraine, Thanks for reading and for your encouraging words. This cactus is funny from looks to name.

    • cam8510 profile image
      Author

      Chris Mills 22 months ago from St. Louis, MO until the end of June, 2017

      Thanks Eric. I'm glad you found it funny. For the challenge, I'd rather steer clear of comedy, but I do have to be prepared.

    • cam8510 profile image
      Author

      Chris Mills 22 months ago from St. Louis, MO until the end of June, 2017

      Blossom, I just couldn't get the name of this cactus out of my head as I was preparing to write according to the prompts I was given. It is a hilarious name. Thanks for reading.

    • cam8510 profile image
      Author

      Chris Mills 22 months ago from St. Louis, MO until the end of June, 2017

      Becky, thanks for the encouraging words. By the time you had read the story, I had already made some changes. But thank you for the input. This particular kind of cactus seems to be popular right now for gardens. In the wild they are an endangered species (Mexico, their native location).

    • cam8510 profile image
      Author

      Chris Mills 22 months ago from St. Louis, MO until the end of June, 2017

      Thanks for reading Shauna. I appreciate the encouragement as I get ready for the upcoming challenge.

    • thetruanttrain profile image

      Lorraine 22 months ago from Montreal

      Well written and really fun to read! When I saw the photo for a second I thought it was some kind of cool crochet or something, and that it actually was a cushion. Goes to show that photos can draw your attention and it was well worth the read! Good luck with the competition.

    • Ericdierker profile image

      Eric Dierker 22 months ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      Nothing better than a couple of cons conning each other. Very funny.

    • BlossomSB profile image

      Bronwen Scott-Branagan 22 months ago from Victoria, Australia

      Good story! I didn't know they were called that - ouch! I'm a mother-in-law!

    • Becky Katz profile image

      Becky Katz 22 months ago from Hereford, AZ

      Funny Chris, and none of it sounded forced, I have never read any of your work that did. I would not mind having one of those in my front yard. I am gradually adding cactus and other desert plants to my front yard, so I don't have to water everything.

    • bravewarrior profile image

      Shauna L Bowling 22 months ago from Central Florida

      Used car salesmen are the kings of BS. Roger rightfully earned his Employee of the Month accolade!

    • cam8510 profile image
      Author

      Chris Mills 22 months ago from St. Louis, MO until the end of June, 2017

      John, I struggle with comedy. As I looked back at this one, I think I tried to force some parts that really weren't funny. I've changed them and would really appreciate you taking a second look if and when you get a chance. Maybe with those revisions, any real humor might stand out a little more. Thanks for your comments, though.

    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 22 months ago from Queensland Australia

      Quite a funny story Chris. You did very well with the prompts you were given. Well done.

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