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My Prose of Explanation, and Poem of Disillusion. This Is My Journey.

Updated on March 6, 2016

A Setback In My Progress Has Occurred

© 2016 Missy Smith

Blink, blink, blink…I’ve been staring pretty hard at the blinking cursor on the blank page for a while now. When I finished my last hub about time travel, I thought it would be easy to grab another great subject of inspiration and start writing right away, and I did find a subject I really wanted to write about. However, a personal thing happened to me after that, and it tore open some old wounds. It reminded me of a depressing life instead of that happy elated feeling I have had lately from writing about things that interest me. That feeling of vibrancy now drowned out by another of my sad realities. I will not discuss it, for it doesn’t matter what it is. The only thing of any matter is that it has brought the darkness back into my light. Therefore, I must face it head on, and tackle it with my usual way of doing that, through thoughts on paper.

So again, without really throwing all my issues out there, I want to write them down in a manner that I will understand them in order to find that release to help myself. The readers may make their own conclusions as to what may be going on with my life at this time, but please just enjoy the mystery of it instead of actually discussing it with me, or for feeling bad about it. These things are a constant now in my life. That much I have learned to accept.

A Conversation To Find Reason

I was having a conversation the other day with an aunt of mine, and we talked about how certain ways of life that others seem to achieve pretty easy, just will not happen for some of us. For whatever reason, we aren’t supposed to be settled or content in our lives. My aunt seems to think it is how we make choices through our own journey here, and I think that is true to an extent. I have not been perfect. I made some dreadful decisions, which at the time; I, deep down, knew were bad choices; I actually had that gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach, which would give most of us a hint that it was wrong. However, I was young back then, and the heart and mind are risk takers when you are youthful, they will do the guiding if you haven’t already grasped a mature outlook on life and know how to take the wheel of both. When I was in my late teens and twenties, I was still searching for adulthood. I was one of those stuck in the middle of not knowing how to move forward, but knowing I couldn’t stay back; if you know what I mean?

I made those few bad choices through some of my early years, that later, I feel, sealed my fate for lonely days and hurtful relationships. So, in that way, my auntie was factual, I think my choices in those young adult years have positioned me precisely where I’m at today. Nevertheless, it's not because I don’t think we learn from our bad choices, because I’ve seen others rally straight out of theirs into a brand new normal life. However, for me, I believe God keeps me as an example. I know that must sound strange, but it’s how I have to see it. He has made me humble to my punishment. He has made a way for me to be fine with what I now must teach and show through my own experiences. Sometimes, like lately, it takes me a while to come out of the pain, but I always have the understanding that I will. I know I am a good person, and all the bad things that happen to me, take place for a purpose of his persistence. A purpose to guide others that feel they are starting off dreadful, a way to be positive and have faith, that even if they don’t find an exact white picket fence life, they do have a purpose here. It's not the things we have that makes us the person we are or become, but the things that God has chosen us to live through, and the lessons we take with us; that’s what matters.

And Nothing Else Matters...

My Poem of Disillusion

I wrote this poem out of something I felt has repeated several times in my life. I wrote it out of something I tried for but never achieved. And I wrote it to deal with the guilt of that. It’s normal to have guilt, I think, when you feel that you have brought others into the madness, such as your children, but there are also blessings to teach them as well. They don’t have to see you as bad. They could actually see you as something even better than what you see yourself. More than likely, they will just see you as the best parent ever for being strong enough to raise them on your own.

This is another hub of self-help therapy for myself. I hope you at least think it's interesting and forgive me for using this platform to mentally medicate myself once again. However, if there is one person out there that reads this and can relate to it in a way that makes them feel not so alone, then I am not too sorry for that.

Source

A Sleepwalk Through Regret

© 2016 Missy Smith

It’s breaking my heart to

feel such pain, a

family full of memories

I had to waste.


Life didn’t work for me

you see. That white picket

fence did not happen to set

me free.


Instead, I now watch from

the locked latch of a happy

home, while the family inside

interact in a loving communion.


On the outside always

looking in, as the breeze

steady blows and covers my

skin.


A numbness that sits inside

of me right now, still yearns

and screams for a peaceful

way out.


The regret builds as I

continue to watch;

a dad playing on the floor

with his precious son.


Something my children

deserved but did not get;

that dad who would stick

around for their growth

and special events.



The breeze continues blowing

the latch remains locked,

and this real movie I keep

watching has me entranced.


Water rises before my eyes

as I still stare, then streams

down my cheeks falling and

disappearing in mid air.


The lights go out. I turn

slowly to leave, just as I

have done every night this

week.


I walk back to the

only home I’ve ever known,

then tip toe like clockwork

off to my bedroom.


I slip under the cold

covers I left, staring up

at the ceiling, before I

dose off to forget.


When I wake to the

bright sunlight shining

in my eyes, that strange

feeling will again set in my

mind.


Another crazy dream

so it seems, that somehow

suspiciously has dirtied my

feet.

Source

On The Outside Looking In...

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    • profile image

      Kathleen Kerswig 14 months ago

      I felt such regret for so many years and it was emotionally draining. After much self-examination I have come to the conclusion that I no longer regret the choices I made in the past. I am content with life today but it took what it took to get to this point. If I changed even one thing from the past, who knows what life would look like today.

      I sometimes think I could have done better with raising my children or I could have been a better friend to those who included me in their lives. But I cannot change that, I can only decided to make better choices in the future. And that is what I do each day, in the present moments.

      Thank you for sharing from the heart. Blessings!

    • ladyguitarpicker profile image

      stella vadakin 14 months ago from 3460NW 50 St Bell, Fl32619

      I think you will come to a place and have no regrets, or at least let them go. This is a poem that I can identify with, as I am sure others can. My kids never had the dad either, but have survived, and our doing good. Blessings, Stella

    • Missy Smith profile image
      Author

      Missy Smith 14 months ago from Florida

      Hello Kathleen and Stella, I'm happy to see both of you here, and both of you always leave such encouraging comments. I could really use some confidence right now. Thank you both very much.

      I hope you read my poem on a computer, because I just realized the mobile layout had the poem switched in the wrong way, so the second part was reading first, and it was all incorrect. I have now switched it so it will read correctly on both devices; computer and mobile device.

      I'm always so surprised at the complete understanding without judgement I get here at hubpages when I do write these types of pieces. I thank you for that. :) I hope both of you have a lovely week.

    • Venkatachari M profile image

      Venkatachari M 14 months ago from Hyderabad, India

      I am glad and much relieved that you are able to put forth all these things on paper and get some kind of relief. I can understand much of this, as I myself at times feel guilty of not having given proper care to my family during their school and college days, which my elder son even now feels like that.

    • profile image

      Kathleen Kerswig 14 months ago

      It's nice to know that we, as the readers, can help you, as the writer. I believe that we have all been through "stuff" and your writing brings up similar memories in us. That's why it's easy for me to share without judgment. I remember what it was like...Blessings friend!

    • CrisSp profile image

      CrisSp 14 months ago from Sky Is The Limit Adventure

      What we must tell ourselves..."brace for impact and be ready to clean our dirty feet as we land".

      Writing frees our soul. So, write on!

      Love from the sky~

    • Missy Smith profile image
      Author

      Missy Smith 14 months ago from Florida

      Hello, my friend from far away, Venkat. :) thank you for taking time to make me feel better by your comment of understanding. I think it is why I like writing about my worries and feelings, bottling them up never helped anyone whom I can see.

      That's really wonderful to hear, Kathleen. I love people who just get it, and do not have to judge someone else for no reason. I think if we all took the time to listen with open minds and hearts, this world would be a much better place. We need the release. We need that without worry of how we will be judged from it. So, I thank you again for your kind words.

      I love that comment, CrisSp. Thank you. Writing indeed frees our souls, like I mentioned; it is my own self help therapy session when I write from the depths of my woes. It does free me in so many ways. :)

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 14 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you for sharing this, Missy. I spent the weekend in reflection upon hearing my best childhood friend now has stage four bone cancer. He did everything a human being can do to take care of his body....he also led an exemplary life....in many ways he was the opposite of me, and yet he's the one who will die young and I keep chugging along.....too much for me to digest right now, but this will be with me for quite some time. I am tired of losing loved ones. :) Anyway, I appreciate you sharing your thoughts, and pain, with us.

    • Missy Smith profile image
      Author

      Missy Smith 14 months ago from Florida

      Thank you, Bill, for sharing your friend's story. I too know how it feels to lose loved ones. I've lost a great deal myself in my 44 years here on Earth. It's very hard, and I am so sorry that you will inevitably have to go through it again.

      Life does seem unfair sometimes doesn't it? For some of us, it seems we can't catch a break on the bad luck. However, we then feel guilty when we are so down, and so many good people are fighting the good fight just to stick around a little longer. I've actually gotten mad at God to be honest, that he would take my young cousin and young niece, that had tons of friends and much life ahead of them, and then leave me here; the outcast with sorry luck to suffer. They wouldn't have suffered here, so why them and not me? A question I have to have faith, I will find my own answer to in the meantime.

      I don't want to be such a downer, but I am fighting some sadness lately, and it means a lot that I have found a place to unload my thoughts, and where people actually are fine with me doing so.

      My prayers will be with you and your friend, Bill. I'm so sorry for your sadness, as my own pain at this time couldn't hold a candle to what you must be feeling now. Peace be with you.

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 14 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Missy.....This is perhaps the most profound writing I have read in a very long time. Am I able to relate? Oh, only every single damned word, thought & pang of heartache, loss & struggle. There are now hidden pages & pages of this essay of doubt & question, from my own heart in my own words...but all so familiar, they resound back to me like a shooting spike through my soul.

      Ask no questions or try to analyze? My God, Missy...there is no need for me to do a thing but close my eyes and feel it all rushing back like the tsunami that sweeps my confidence & hard-sought joy out from within my grasp.

      You are wise & strong beyond your years. You have incredible hope beyond your tears. Never let that go for a moment. Your wisdom, strength & hope is what stands between you & utter despair.

      Just believe me, dear woman. I KNOW......Peace, Paula

    • Missy Smith profile image
      Author

      Missy Smith 14 months ago from Florida

      Hey Paula, I started off with laughter as your spirit of expression always makes me feel good, and I admit, also a bit envious that I don't possess your personality. Then, you said I was strong and wise with incredible hope beyond my tears, and next the waterworks began, because those words touched me deep and meant so much. I feel extremely blessed today, and happy that I have become brave enough to expose myself with words here. I feel I have made some great friendships; friendships that I will treasure for a lifetime. Thank you for that! :)

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 14 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Yes, quite true about this cozy writing site we belong to....."good" friends, very special bonds. We get to know one another from the inside-out & top to bottom....It's hard to just walk away unattached.

      I never want to feel I need to repeat myself about my authenticity & gut honesty. I simply say what I mean and mean what I say. It makes life soooo much easier & smoother. I'm lazy and getting older & I just can't imagine having to keep the "lies" straight. What a waste of oxygen~~ & truckload of bullshit, eh?

      BTW, I recently axed a friend from my buddy list & tossed his ass into the SPAM folder because he thoroughly disappointed & disgusted me. Then I sent a FINAL email to tell him precisely this. He was unnecessarily & UNACCEPTABLY "nasty" to you in a comment. Only "douchebags" get off being nasty to people younger, smaller & gentler than them. Well, guess what? I DON'T LIKE DOUCHEBAGS & now he knows it too. They piss me off. LOL

    • Missy Smith profile image
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      Missy Smith 14 months ago from Florida

      I think I may know who you speak of. I actually felt sorry for him, because I felt he tries so hard to be crass for no reason. It does nothing to be that ego driven.

      I can sit here and tell you that I don't know half of what others do about this thing I love to do so much "writing" however, I'm fine with admitting it, and love that I get to explore and try to come into my own when it comes to this art form.

      You are savvy and extremely outspoken, Paula. And guess what? I love you for just that. You don't try to be something you are not, which is what I think our friend you took off your buddy list does. He tries to be something he is not instead of just being real. As I read the comments he wrote to me, all I could think was, if he would just be negative in a positive way, we could be friends. Because, believe it or not I think you can do that. I thought...why would he so blatantly want to make enemies here instead of friends? He apparently wants to be one of those critics everyone can't stand. I guess he idolizes people like Bill O'Reilly, listens to Kanye West music, and will vote for Trump come election time.

      Whatever man...all I know is, I bet he regrets losing a friend like you. The sad part is he would, at no time, admit that fact.

      Anyway, Paula, I hope I never make you feel like you have to repeat yourself about your authenticity or anything for that matter, to me. As I don't plan to apologize for being gentle and honest in nature.

      Have a wonderful week! Talk to you soon! :)

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 14 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      I'm sure you DO know who I referred to and for the record~~~Unfortunately, NO, he's not trying to be someone he's not. That's the REAL guy.......Sad, HUH? I'm convinced he gets off being nasty and insulting to ANYONE who does not mirror his EXACT Religious & Political stands. He is what you see.

      I had to do what I did. We were fairly good friends until I repeatedly witnessed him verbally slicing up people I happen to like & respect.

      I bit my tongue so many times. When I didn't bite my tongue, we would fight and he'd tell me all MY faults and where I AM WRONG.

      Then we'd make amends. But his behavior remains the same. YOU were actually THE LAST STRAW. I simply do not need friends like him. I have more than my share of good, decent, kind, loving friends.....

    • Missy Smith profile image
      Author

      Missy Smith 14 months ago from Florida

      Well, Paula, that certainly is sad if that is his true personality. I only had that one experience with him, and figure if I stay out of the discussion of politics he will probably stay far away from me. Although, if I so choose to, I will venture back into that subject, and who's to say I have to answer such silly comments he renders.

      I'm still actually surprised he said my article wasn't worth the read, yet he was trying to build an argument on "FAUX PAS" of all the silly things. I at least thought it deserved a more intellectual basis for an argument sake. Even if there was some of that, or even a lot of that, it was used to make valid points, not to build a whole let's pit this one against that one in a silly YouTube video challenge thing. That is so sinking to Donald Trump's level isn't it? lol. :)

      I do understand that you had to do what you had to do. I can certainly understand that. We don't need toxic friendships in our lives. Even if it is a family member that is causing an effect on us, sometimes, they too should be disconnected from our daily living, sad but true. It can have a negative effect on one's health dealing with such pain in the "ARSES." Thanks to my British friend who taught me that word instead of the double "S" one. lol. It sounds so much better doesn't it?

      I almost, and I use that word almost very loosely, but I almost feel sorry for him that he is such an imbecile in reality. That's just sad, and I suspect very lonely as well.

      Thanks for commenting back, Paula. I love having such pleasant conversations with a good friend. :)

    • Faith Reaper profile image

      Faith Reaper 14 months ago from southern USA

      Woo, Missy, Talking about making bad choices ...I made some humdingers as we say down here in the South. If anyone has lived longer than even 25 years on this Earth, they have made some bad choices in this life, even though they may never admit to it. What hurts most is when our actions bleed over into other's lives and they always do. Whew, that is painful to live with.

      My son has been sober for over 8 years now and he is only 27. Thankfully, before his children were born. He put us all through the wringer back then and much prayer. I asked him did he regret doing all that he did and he said he has no regrets! I thought what! Then he told me that if he didn't go through all of what he did, he wouldn't be who he is today. I was so astounded to find out what made him want to get sober, as I had been thinking it was the possibility of going to jail, but he said no that wasn't it. He then told me that he didn't want to hurt the people he loved any more and with that desire he got sober. Now he helps so many people. But you don't know what it did to me As a mother and questioning myself as a mother until I realized alcoholism is a disease.

      I'm not sure there is that perfect white Pickett fence life out there in reality as the older I get the more I realize we all have our demons to deal with. You are not alone.

    • Missy Smith profile image
      Author

      Missy Smith 14 months ago from Florida

      You make me giggle, Faith. Oh yes, I do know that word humdinger, used it a couple of times in my life seeing as I too come from the ol' South, darlin'. (wink)LOL.

      I think your son is right by saying he doesn't regret. I mean, I think it really does no one any good to do so. I try not to regret, but I admit that a tinge of it comes around occasionally to rest on my heart. It could be when I'm listening to my son talk to one of his friends, and that friend's dad is joking and cutting up with his son. I see my son's face. It breaks my heart. On the other hand, there are those times when my daughter grew up to have those father and daughter dances at school. She never acted like it bothered her, but we mothers know. Not too long ago, they had a day at my son's school where it was dads bring in the kids' day, but my son still just had mom while so many others had dads walking them to class. I think he has suffered more than my daughter. However, all I can do is blame myself, even if I shouldn't. I start asking myself; what could I have done better not to have been left alone? I wonder, is it me that holds the dads back from being in my children's lives? Do they dislike me that much? I know that's not true somehow. I know new family life, and wives have interfered, and that is sad all in itself that they would let them. However, there is nothing I can do.

      As far as the white pickett fence life, as you mentioned, we are from the South, that idea of family bonding is what is instilled in us early on, but you know, I have never been a typical southerner anyway, so the heck with it. LOL. I keep faith that one-day mine, and my children's lives will be grand. I can't let the dream die! :)

    • Frank Atanacio profile image

      Frank Atanacio 14 months ago from Shelton

      Missy, this poem stabs at you.. kind of look away as I read.. raw, emotional and challenging.. I do enjoy your work my friend..keep it up

    • Missy Smith profile image
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      Missy Smith 14 months ago from Florida

      Well now, that was a great compliment. Thank you, Frank! :)

    • swalia profile image

      Shaloo Walia 14 months ago

      You write straight from heart. Loved this!

    • Missy Smith profile image
      Author

      Missy Smith 14 months ago from Florida

      It's the only way I really know how to write, Swalia. Thanks!

    • Gypsy Rose Lee profile image

      Gypsy Rose Lee 14 months ago from Riga, Latvia

      Keep writing, keep creating, keep believing.....

    • Faith Reaper profile image

      Faith Reaper 14 months ago from southern USA

      I understand what you are saying, Missy. A mother's heart always desires the best in this life for her children and all they deserve. Nothing makes a mother more despondent when she believes her children are suffering in this life no matter the degree. A mother only wants her children to be happy in this life and it hurts if we believe life is not being fair to them.

      One of the best gifts in this life is to have a loving mother. ...I praise God for having such a mother in this life.

      You are one of those mothers.

      Peace and Blessings

    • aviannovice profile image

      Deb Hirt 14 months ago from Stillwater, OK

      I have often thought that appearances are deceiving. Sometimes we are better off not knowing what is really going on elsewhere, that we are sometimes luckier than many.

    • shanmarie profile image

      Shannon 14 months ago from Texas

      Hi, Missy. Do not regret being who you are. Ever. I can relate to some of what you are saying without knowing your backstory. I've felt lonely and, at times, burdened by the choices I've made that led me places I didn't want to go later. It is so much harder to accept when children are involed, especially as they get older. But one thing I have learned is that no matter how much others judge you, do not judge yourself so harshly. You ARE a good person. You need to accept that as fact, too. Not just mentally, but emotionally. I know, it's easier said than done sometimes. However, it's the truth. Love yourself even when you're sad or heartbroken. Hugs.

    • Missy Smith profile image
      Author

      Missy Smith 14 months ago from Florida

      Thanks Gypsy!

    • Missy Smith profile image
      Author

      Missy Smith 14 months ago from Florida

      Thank you, Faith. I hope I am one of those type mothers for sure. :)

    • Missy Smith profile image
      Author

      Missy Smith 14 months ago from Florida

      Thanks so much, Deb. :)

    • Missy Smith profile image
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      Missy Smith 14 months ago from Florida

      Such an encouraging comment, shanmarie. Thank You! :)

    • manatita44 profile image

      manatita44 14 months ago from london

      Well, my Sweet, the music is cool. I started here because you are aware yourself that you got pushed once more into a corner. So yes, hear the lifting music.

      I don't see the struggle as lasting, as you would be fine soon, and will continue as the God in you can be. Much Love.

    • Missy Smith profile image
      Author

      Missy Smith 14 months ago from Florida

      Hey Manatita, thanks for the nice comment. Peace and Blessings ~Missy

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