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My Thoughts Tonight

Updated on September 20, 2010

picture from photobucket...

I spent the morning and the afternoon with my dementing Mother and as I sit here at the computer these thoughts all came to me. She is an Angel and I so Love her, but I swear I have my bad thoughts, and try to shake them every day...God Forgive me, but her quality of Life seems so cruel...In my humble opinion.

Oh My God...I am so sorry for the lack of respect towards you..the way I feel, I know only You can understand, I know you get it...it is me in this human form that has so many problems...I am aware that only you can help me...so why don't you? Poor me....

I get upset and use your name in vain, I tell myself to stop thinking negative thoughts, especially when I am thinking them cause something always happens, I drop something, I spill my coffee...I drop what I am holding...I know you are there...

It's where the wind blows...It is Love, but it is also my helpless feelings I must deal with, the feelings of not being worthy of what you offer. Even what others offer me...I am fragile, I am alone, I have you in my arms to make everything right, just getting to know you...seems too slow, too distant...but I hang on.

All the pains and disappointments I have endured, will only lead me to You...what you suffered to show how strong the human body is, the human heart and the soul your Father created, will only lead us to HIM in the end if we believe...

So sometimes I have a hard time Believing...I hate me, I hate people, I hate the world I am living in, I am upset by the poor, the hungry, the neglected, the cheater's, the scammers, the money grubbers, people who are so selfish. But I cannot fix all this, though I wish I could. If money would do it ???But it is not the answer..Only true Love

It all comes from the Heart/Soul that You created and until as humans we realize this, nothing will ever change or get better. I LOVE YOU...and all people...we are your CHILDREN...:O) Hugs G-Ma

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    • G-Ma Johnson profile imageAUTHOR

      Merle Ann Johnson 

      7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

      alekhouse....coffeesnob....

      I am in tears, which are happy ones, because I know so many care...that is partly why I vent here, you never have let me down!!! Any of my followers...

      I am really okay now for today anyways, each day being a new challenge, which I do except...though sometimes not as well as other's...but then I am not perfect as you all can see...THANKS SO MUCH God Bless...:O) Hugs G-Ma

    • profile image

      coffeesnob 

      7 years ago

      G-Ma

      I love you. You are so real and so beautifully wonderful. Your hub is a witness to others of God at work in you. I don't see it as showing failure, but as showing real struggle in the face of what we believe to be true about God. My struggles with a loved one, who has an illness are no where near the intensity that you have and yet I sometimes fly off in a frenzy with frustrations at the hand life has dealt. I just want to say again I love you and I thank God for you

      Carol

    • alekhouse profile image

      Nancy Hinchliff 

      7 years ago from Essex Junction, Vermont

      Merle, I'ts best not to keep everything inside, especially if it's hurting. Get it all out...that's what we're here for. I know you'ld do the same for aany one of us.

    • G-Ma Johnson profile imageAUTHOR

      Merle Ann Johnson 

      7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

      Feline...EllenGraeger...Pollyannalana...Thank you and I am fine, it just needed to be released because I am aware of the dangers of holding it all in, she is NOT the problem...I am...God is in control but being human as I am I forget and feel sorry for myself...Poor me..:O)

      What she is going through is between her and God and I just want to be here for Her as much as I can... You are all so kind and thoughtful and that is why I am here...it seems easier to write it rather then say it...

      God Bless you...all of you...:O) Hugs G-Ma

    • Pollyannalana profile image

      Pollyannalana 

      7 years ago from US

      No you don't want to keep them to yourself, ever, people do understand and I do for sure. Sometimes I would get so aggravated at my mom and fuss at her and then hug her and tell her I was sorry and run in my bedroom to cry. She was my baby as I once was hers. Yes, you will be sorry for any bad thoughts but it is a job no one can understand unless they have done it and it seems you may be getting about as much help as I did. My siblings would not give me one day or one night,,nothing! If not for what help I got from my husband allowing me to get away an hour or two now and then I think I would have gone crazy. Now she is gone and I would give anything to be doing it again but I hope you have some help.

    • EllenGraeger profile image

      EllenGraeger 

      7 years ago from Madrid

      A very touching and human hub, G-Ma. I'll be thinking of you and your Mum. Try to do some things to cheer you up. Depression is dangerous.

    • profile image

      Feline Prophet 

      7 years ago

      Hang in there G-ma - we all go through these phases - the good thing is that there is always hope. :)

    • G-Ma Johnson profile imageAUTHOR

      Merle Ann Johnson 

      7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

      VioletSun...Ok sweetie I reckon as a mortal I have no other choice... but I do thank God for the caring people here..Bless you my dear ...:O) Hugs G-Ma

    • VioletSun profile image

      VioletSun 

      7 years ago from Oregon/ Name: Marie

      G-Ma: I agree with Justmom, be yourself, share when you must, we are all connected on this planet. With your sharing you help others who are going through the suffering of seeing a loved with Alzheimers and the challenges of looking out for them.

    • G-Ma Johnson profile imageAUTHOR

      Merle Ann Johnson 

      7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

      Art 4 Life....you have said it so well and I am in the same place...fortunetly though she and my dad set things up so they could be cared for in a proper manner, and I am making sure she is.

      The home she lives in only takes in 33 residents and is very personal and feels like Home to me too. They have been Number One in the State for 2 years now and the Directer has won First Place for her caring and wonderful ways, for the last 3 years...

      However it makes no difference in how my mom sees things as you say...a lonely road alone...but I know God is with her and she sees angels...Bless you my dear...and I so appreciate your comment..If ever you want to talk just give me a nudge...:O) Hugs G-Ma

    • G-Ma Johnson profile imageAUTHOR

      Merle Ann Johnson 

      7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

      sminut13...am sorry to hear this and I do know how it hurts...she has no idea who I am other then someone who is always around...and I am with her every other day and when she broke her hip it was 104 days in a row, never leaving her side except for sleeping, along with my sister...

      It has been a tough 5 years now but I know God has chosen me to be here for her, I just get tired...Thanks for caring...:O) Hugs G-Ma

    • sminut13 profile image

      sminut13 

      7 years ago from singapore

      it is sad, tough, tiring and challenging caring for those with dementia. my grandmother is going through it right now, i'm unable to be with her but the few times i did meet her, i felt as you did, guilty for thinking bad things at times. but when they don't remember you and keep asking the same questions, it can be tough. patience is needed.

      no matter how tough or negative we think, i feel that we must try and think positively. you are lucky that you are able to care for your mother during her tough times. some aren't able to do that even if they do want to. cheer up and be happy g-ma.

    • Art 4 Life profile image

      Art 4 Life 

      7 years ago from in the middle of nowhere....

      G-Ma Johnson~

      I felt your sorrow when I read your hub. I know where you are. I took care of my mother for 5 yrs with alzheimer's. I felt so alone when I had her, depression was a big factor in sending her to a nursing home...I still feel the sorrow and guilt that comes with taking care of her, and having to send her to a home,... I go and see my mom each week, and each week I leave with a pit in my stomack. She is alone in her mind, with her occasional bouts of sanity...I think of her each day, and the person that she once was, but mostly I think of the person she is now....alone, lost in that empty space that only she knows...it's a sad disease...dementia or alzheimer's ...they are the robbers of the mind and spirit~

      hugs to you

      Art

    • G-Ma Johnson profile imageAUTHOR

      Merle Ann Johnson 

      7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

      Thanks justom...and my mom caries a doll around most of the time...especially if she is upset..Thanks for your support...:O) Hugs G-Ma

    • justom profile image

      justom 

      7 years ago from 41042

      Never be ashamed of your feelings and DON'T keep these things to yourself, it's always best to get it out. I admire you for being able to do that. Peace!! Tom

    • G-Ma Johnson profile imageAUTHOR

      Merle Ann Johnson 

      7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

      Thank You Raven...Thank You sweet Lady...) Hugs G-Ma

    • Raven King profile image

      Raven King 

      7 years ago from Cabin Fever

      Hi G-Ma. Lady, you are under a lot of pressure and we all love you. Frustration is a valid response and how we handle it defines us. Stop punishing yourself. You need to be nurtured too and take some time out for releasing the stress.

    • G-Ma Johnson profile imageAUTHOR

      Merle Ann Johnson 

      7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

      TO YOU ALL, VioletSun,Shalini,alekhouse,cindyvine,leni sands, and justom.....

      I do understand I am not alone and many other's have been through the same as I. I feel a bit ashamed today for posting this Hub, but this place has always helped pull me through the tough times.

      I will try harder to keep these things to myself...and God Bless You for caring...:O) Hugs G-Ma

    • justom profile image

      justom 

      7 years ago from 41042

      I feel for you, I just looked at the picture and realized how much your mother looks like my wife's grandmother (who had the same misfortune). I remember how sad it was but also how sometimes while talking to her she seemed to understand. She carried a little doll around with her that gave her comfort. I wish that same comfort for both of you. Peace!! Tom

    • leni sands profile image

      Leni Sands 

      7 years ago from UK

      You are not alone. Many of us are having similar experiences. Keep using this media to lighten your load. Chin up.

    • cindyvine profile image

      Cindy Vine 

      7 years ago from Cape Town

      Hang in there Merle, thinking of you!

    • alekhouse profile image

      Nancy Hinchliff 

      7 years ago from Essex Junction, Vermont

      Merle, I know you are struggling right now....struggling to take care of your mom, struggling to do the right thing, and struggling with your negative thoughts. God will always forgive you those thoughts. We all have them and we sometimes surprise ourselves when we do. But God understands.

      Don't be afraid when it happens. Try to shrug them off, maybe with a little humor. Or give into them completely and get them all out. You will soon regain your loving and caring self. God loves you and know the kind of loving person you really are. And remember, Merle, we all love you here.

    • Shalini Kagal profile image

      Shalini Kagal 

      7 years ago from India

      Hugs to you Merle - it's very hard. We've been through it for 2 years when my father in law had Alzheimer's and it's tough not to get sucked into the suffering and everything seems so bleak. It's only love that gives one strength - and you have an abundance if it. And it's OK to feel blue at times - we're all human. Though not all care for someone the way you do! Someday, when it's all over, there's an overwhelming sense of gratitude that you were given the opportunity to care so much.

    • VioletSun profile image

      VioletSun 

      7 years ago from Oregon/ Name: Marie

      G-Ma: You are human and you are going through tremendous stress in coping with your Mom; its okay to have all those feelings and doubts you talk about, without judging yourself. In the end as you say, its all about Love. You are indeed love, and your Mom is blessed to have you.

      You wrote a touching hub, pulled at my heart strings.

      Hugs and more hugs, ((((G-Ma))))

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