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My Wild and Weird Life in Conversation Form

Updated on February 3, 2013

I seem to have a pretty wacky life. Sometimes I intentionally create it, and sometimes I am the catalyst to turn a normal situation into a wacky one. However, sometimes I just attract the weirdness and it seems to happen around me without any input on my part whatsoever. Here are some excerpts from my crazy life. For once I'm actually not embellishing the truth. Each of these incidents actually happened as I am reporting. The names have been changed to protect the guilty.


Yes, that is a flaming Chiminea.  Don't try this at home.
Yes, that is a flaming Chiminea. Don't try this at home. | Source

Out and About

(I was standing at a bus stop in the West End downtown. I was wearing my Kinky Friedman shirt that said "MAY THE GOD OF YOUR CHOICE BLESS YOU". A young woman came up. She looked like she had been beaten up)

Woman: "Oh hey, that's a cool shirt. I'm that way when it comes to religion. You should like live and let live."

Me: "Oh ok..."

Woman: "My parents were Satanists, and they were very angry all the time. I was a Satanist too, but when my son was born I accepted Jesus Christ."

Me: "Uh..."

Woman: "You're probably a real nice person. I like nice people."

Me: "That's great... I gotta... go over here now." (runs away)

---------------------------------

(We went to the Minnesota Renaissance Festival. We were there on a quiet Sunday morning and could hear the hawkers at the food stalls. One woman kept repeating the same silly thing over and over again)

Hawker: "FA-HEE-TAS! NACHOS GRANDIOSO! AAAAWWWW YEEEAAAHHHH!"

(Since then that has become a staple of ridiculous conversation among our friends)

-------------------------------

(I was in the convenience store at a gas station. A middle-aged African American man bursts through the front door and heads for the cashiers.

Man: "I come for the pu**y party! I'm here for pu**y!"

Female cashier: "You here for pu**y?"

Man: "I love pu**y! I'm sure everyone loves them pu**ies!" [Turns to me] "You like pu**y?"

Me: "I am a cat lover!"

Man: [seeing my shirt with a kitty version of Freddy Krueger] "HA HA HA! I like to pet the pu**ies! It calms me down!"

-----------------------------

(outside that same gas station on a different day)

Man: "So who's gonna win the super bowl?"

Me: "The team owners. They always win."

-----------------------------

(In the car.)

Garmin GPS: "Turn right on Dallas PARK-WAY!"

Me: "Almost home, I'll just turn this off." [turns off GPS].

Garmin GPS: "Turn right on Dallas PARK-WAY!"

Me: "No, you're supposed to be off!"

Garmin GPS: "Turn right on Dallas PARK-WAY!"

Me: "Stupid haunted Garmin, I turned you off!"

---------------------------------

(I was at my local sandwich shop and was about to fill my drink. The drink spout shot out in five different directions, none of which were in my cup. My hand and arm were soaked in soda. The spout cap had come off. I couldn't help but laugh.)

Me: (showing the manager my soaked arm): "I think your drink machine's not working."

Him: (very apologetic and handing me a towel to wipe off with) "I'm terribly sorry! Let me fix that for you."

Me: "Thanks I..."

Him: (attempting to put the spout caps back on the drink machine) "It'll just be a minute."

(he tried to snap the spout caps back on, each one falling back off about two seconds after he attached it. He kept trying over and over again. I felt sorry for the guy, but it was like watching an upside down Whack-a-Mole game. It's a good thing the spraying spout happened to me and not a sour-tempered person, because the guy was having a bad enough day as it was)

-------------------------------

(We just finished watching 'The Marriage of Figaro', over at The Eisemann Center in Richardson)

Me: "After comparing the English translation with what the actors were singing in Italian on stage I am certain that Italian is three times longer than English."

-------------------------------

(I'm walking around downtown Dallas when a man points out my size 13 EEEEE boots)

Man: "THOSE ARE SOME PAUL BUNYAN BOOTS!"

Me: "Yes they are, but I don't need an ax to chop down trees!"


It's a thug's life at the helpdesk.
It's a thug's life at the helpdesk. | Source

At Work

(Our department at this particular job had a dinner at a fancy restaurant in December each year. Since we're a phone-based helpdesk we had to split the dinners into two groups. One group already went the night before. I was chatting with J, who mistakenly already brought some TO-GO food from another establishment. Apparently he forgot he was going to eat some superior fare.)

J: "I may have to get a take-home container from the restaurant."

K: "No, you can't get a take-home container. They won't allow it."

Me: "That's right."

J: "What about P. and A.?"

Me: "They weren't supposed to get the take-home containers. They had to sneak in the kitchen and steal those."

J: "I think you're pulling my leg."

Me: [pointing at the muttonchops I'm growing] "Would these muttonchops lie to you? How dare you! These are truthful chops! These are truthchops!"

J: "Truthchops?"

Me: "Truthchops!"

-----------------------------------------

(This one's for the Pagans. I was working with a girl over the phone, and the computer started working.)

Girl: "Thank goddess!"

Me: "Did you say 'thank goddess'?"

Girl: [meekly] "Yeah?"

Me: "Blessed be."

(We both laughed.)

--------------------------------------

(overheard at work)

Jm: "Anything free is good!"

C: "Not everything free is good. I'll kick you in the balls for free."

-------------------------------

(A casual conversation with a coworker and myself)

Me: "I like the building style with the apartments on top of commercial businesses. Sometimes I don't want to drive anywhere. I just want to go downstairs and get my food."

Jm: "Sometimes you don't get what you want."

Me: "I'm doing something for the environment by not driving."

Jm: "Yeah, but you're probably farting all the way there walking."

Me: "I think my car farts more than me, but of course I also have to think about the pollution caused by the restaurant I'm going to."

Jm: "I think you need to pay more attention to your own methane output. What are you doing for that?"

Me: "I have a cork."

Jm: *laughs*

------------------------------------

Me: "One's social status in life does not directly correlate to their public restroom etiquette."

-----------------------------------

(I was at a meeting and the HR rep had just finished her speech about a policy change.)

Rep: "Do you have any questions about this?"

[silence]

Rep: "Do you have any questions about ANYTHING?"

[silence]

(I raise my hand)

Rep: "Yes?"

Me: "Do you like cats?"

(She showed me her phone with a picture of her cat on it.)

--------------------------------------

(I was talking with Jk when T. walked up to my cubicle)

T: (holding a jar of mixed nuts) "Jk, would you like some of my nuts?"

Jk: "No thanks."

T: (turning to me) "Would you like some of my nuts?"

Me: (picking up on the cue) "Yes I would!"

(T gives me some nuts and I eat a few)

Me: "Mmm, T! Your nuts are tasty!"

Jk: "I'm going back to my desk."


Dominos pizza, white wine, and thou.
Dominos pizza, white wine, and thou. | Source

At Home

(M and I are having a lovely conversation in our reading/dining/meditation room over Dominos pizza and Riesling white wine.)

M: "When Jaws came out in 1975 it even resulted in people in landlocked states to refuse to go into lakes and rivers for fear of freshwater sharks. There are freshwater sharks, but the odds of getting attacked by any type of shark are very low."

Me: "People in landlocked states shouldn't worry about sharks when there are cougars roaming North America. I should make a horror movie about a cougar attacking a lakeside resort town."

M: "It wouldn't work today. It'd have to be a group of cougars."

Me: "It could be a mutant cougar or something. I'd call it 'Cougarsaurus'."

------------------------------

M (picks up phone): "F*** you, you f***ing f*** f***er f*** f***! Why can't I f***ing send f***ing photos to my f***ing email account?!"

-----------------------------

M: (seeing a water spot on the floor): "What's that on the floor?"

Me: "That's water from my cooler block. It's formed from condensation."

M: "Oh."

Me: "I'll sing you a song about condensation."

M: "Um.."

Me (Singing): "When water heats up and evaporates it goes into the clouds up in the sky. The clouds get weepy and cry and cry, and that's what condensation is."

M: "Did you just make up a song about water?" (laughs)

--------------------------------

(I got a telemarketing call asking me to book a trip to Branson, Missouri)

Me: "Branson is more a place for normal family types. We're not normal, and we're certainly not that kind of family."

Telemarketer: "Thank you for your honesty, but if you change your mind please give us a call."

---------------------------------

M: (referring to the rotini pasta disk I made) "This is good. It tastes like a beef stroganoff."

Me: "Well I used canned meat to make it, so it may or may not be beef."

M: "You used strange meat?"

Me: "Yes it's strange meat stroganoff."

--------------------------------

Me: "Werewolves are people too. Just because you're a shapeshifter, that doesn't make you a bad person. It just means you're going to have more awkward moments than most people do."

Comments

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    • johndnathan profile imageAUTHOR

      John D Nathan 

      5 years ago from Dallas, Texas. USA

      My shoe size is 13 EEEEE. It's usually the ridiculous width that gets'em. Thanks for reading, Becky.

    • Becky Katz profile image

      Becky Katz 

      5 years ago from Hereford, AZ

      Sounds like you are just as strange as us. By the way, their is a Paul Bunyan's restaurant in Jackson, TN. There is a pair of boots there in size 15. If you have bigger feet, they give you your meal free of charge. My son got the free meal. He wears a size 17. Hahahaha

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