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My book, The Blasphemous Bible.

Updated on March 8, 2015

An excerpt from Genesis

Well, my first hub isn't going to be a review, but some shameful self promoting. I'm an aspiring author with 8th House Publishing, and I'm about to release my first book in the fall of 2015. My book is called "The Blasphemous Bible." It is essentially a satirical rewrite of the Bible, in full. All 66 books. I wrote this as a challenge to christians to actually pick up and read their Bibles. How many christians have read the Bible in full? I'd reckon less than 1%. They go to church, read what the pastor tells them to and accept the propaganda that flows forth from the preacher's mouth. Hopefully, when they get into a fit about my book, they'll read their holy scripture and find out my book ain't that different from the original. Here is an excerpt from Genesis. Though humorous, parts of my book are quite serious and sometimes even horrifying. Hope you enjoy.

2:1 To provide moisture to the earth, God created mist. Which provided necessary water to the plants, and made everything foggy and hard to see.

2:2 And the lord God took man, created from dust, and breathed life into his nose.

2:3 And he had the angels plant a garden for man, to the east, and called it Eden.

2:4 And in the garden was the tree of life, conveniently near the bush of death, which was just a few feet away from the tree of knowledge of good and evil(which was really an unnecessary plant)

2:5 And a river flew from Eden, and separated into four lakes

2:6 The first lake was named Pison, which lay in the land of Havilah, which contained gold

2:7 And diamonds and emeralds and rubies and other useless rocks.

2:8 The second lake was named Gihon, which lay in the land of Ethiopia. Apparently, it dried up.

2:9 The third lake was named Hiddekel, which flowed somewhere near Assyria

2:10 And the fourth lake was named Euphrates. It was placed nowhere in particular.

2:11 And the lord God took man, and placed him in Eden, and promoted him to landscaper

2:12 And said to man, who he named Adam

2:13 "You must take care of this garden of Eden, and your reward shall be everlasting life, and power over all living creatures. You may eat anything from this garden, but not from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

2:14 For if you eat from that tree, you shall die, because I'll kill you. It is my tree. But I don't want to water it, so you do it."

2:15 And Adam took up his job, and took care of the garden, and named the plants and fish and bugs and mammals. But realized, there were more than one of each creature, but only one Adam.

2:16 So Adam called up to God and said "How can I, but one man, take care of this entire garden?"

2:17 And God said "By not being a lazy ass!"

2:18 But Adam kept annoying God, until God relented, and put Adam to rest.

2:19 God then snatched one of Adam's ribs. The left one. And created women.

2:20 When Adam woke up, he saw woman, whom God named Eve. And Adam said unto God

2:21 "What are those protrusions on her front"

2:22 And God explained to Adam that they were breasts

2:23 And Adam asked that the breasts be larger, and firmer, and bounce a little when Eve ran

2:24 And God made it so

2:25 And Adam saw these breasts, and claimed that they were good.

2:26 Then Eve saw Adam, and asked God "What is that odd protrusion between Adam's thighs?"

2:27 And God explained that was a penis, which can be used to urinate standing up.

2:28 And Eve asked God to make the penis bigger, and fatter, and harder

2:29 Thus the erection was created

2:30 And Eve saw the erection, and knew it would not last long.


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