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Need Some Laughs

Updated on October 7, 2013

Welcome To My Quote Board

I started a quote board because my friends were always saying funny things and I wanted to remember it longer than the next morning. When I started 5 years ago, I didn't think I'd still be adding to it today, and I certainly didn't think it would make an impact on me. But when I go back to the beginning and I read all the way through, I can see myself transforming. I go from being a bartender to a dog trainer. Jayden learns how to talk, then have a conversation. Laney is born on my quote board. I see my time at The Improv Asylum. I see shifts in the company I keep and it reminds me to reconnect with people that used to make me laugh. It's more than just a quote board, it a public record of my life... the funny parts anyway.

Starting a quote board is easy. Someone says something funny, you remember it, you type it out, and then hit "save." If you are saving it as a note on facebook, you're going to need to update it frequently, but be prepared for it to fill up entirely one day, so you'll have to start a new one. Cut and paste the old link to the comments section of the new one so you can find it easily. Tag your friends as they pop up on it, they'll get a kick out of that. Use a writing format. It doesn't have to be perfectly based on the Allen Bacon Handbook, but consistency helps. Here's an example of my style:

Speaker- Says funny thing.

Listener- Reacts.

Double Space

[next new quote]

Additionally *_* denotes action, [_] denotes prior action, expostion, location, references, or paraphrasing, and {_} is a note from me, often to explain.

Here's to only remembering the good things!!!

Started on August 9th 2006 (may contain offensive, insensitive, or factually wrong information as due to people saying things as they normally would if their thoughts weren't being documented, do not proceed if you have a problem with the f-word).

Tammy- [about her baby daughter] Give her a bottle and she goes right to bed.

Not Awesome Mike- Just like most girls I know.

Mike Reardon- I was in charge of the planning the bachelor party. I don't know if I hired a stripper or a prostitute. Basically she had the groom take off his pants and made him get down on all fours. Then she poured beer down his butt crack and then spanked him with a belt.

Me- How do you explain to your wife-to-be why your underpants smell like beer?

Mike Reardon- *fervent hand and arm gestures* You don't! You wash them. Quick! ... So because I planned the party she had me get down on all fours too. And guys, I don't know, I think I like spankings.

Bonnie- Aw! I just bit my tongue.

Me- Oh good. Cause I thought you had a stroke.

Me- [about the naked lady tattoo on a stranger in a seedy bar in NYC] Can you make her dance?

Grill Mastah- Yeah. Wait, like how do you mean?

Me- Like this. *does the snake*

Me- I have a neck injury.

Patty- How did you get a neck injury?

Me- Sucking dick.

Patty- Really?

Me- No. *laughing* I don't have to do that anymore.

BAM- Remind me never to get married.

James- You're all talk.

Eric- Why don't you put your penis where my mouth is.

Mike Reardon- I can't stay long. *opens up another beer* I'm trying to pick up a shift tomorrow, so I really can't stay long. *Takes off hat and shoes*

Me- Well if you want to stay here you can. Queens is so far away.

Mike Reardon- No, I'm gonna have to leave soon. *gets underneath the covers*

Mike Reardon- Ok, so now that it's a slumber party, let's play 20 Questions.

Me- Aw. 20 Questions is alot.

Mike Reardon- Alright, we'll make up our own game. We'll call it Gamely Game and we'll just ask each other questions. Come on. ... Gamely Game.

Bonnie- Glippety gloppit!

Mike Reardon- Gimbely goo!

Bonnie- Kimmy Gibbler! We'll only play if the name of the game is Kimmy Gibbler.

[while on the set of Who Wants to be a Millionaire]

Bonnie- Oh, when I play at home and the person uses their life line and I'm not ready to use it, I'm like, "I don't need that lifeline yet, so I still have it."

Meredith Vieira- There are people you can talk to about that.

Jayden- *furiously babbles*

Bonnie- [Jayden] is so angry with someone.

Me- Probably his God.

Me- When you get the card, get a card that sounds like it came from me. Not too mushy or sentimental, and nothing stupid either. Make it sound like me, please.

Dan The Cook- I don't think they make cards that say, Happy Anniversary, here's your freakin' card.

Me- Bon, I'm sorry, but, not like because I'd find it disturbing or anything, but I just couldn't ever see you giving someone head.

Bonnie- Fine then. You can't watch.

[receiving direction for an improv scene]

Jbro- So, Andi, you found something fun in that you have something you don't want to do, which is let anyone see your vagina, but you have to to move along the scene. *in his best Andi impression* "Oh no, don't look at my vagina, it's horrible." Not that YOUR vagina is horrible. It's probably wonderful. I bet it's just darling. ... That's the weirdest thing I think I ever said.

Jbro- That's what happens when you see the Jy-nee Doctor. ... Seriously, I can't say Jy-nee Doctor anymore.

Me- She should have chose Finn. Wouldn't you have chose Finn over McDreamy?

Mark- I don't choose dudes.

Me- If you were a girl?

Mark- I'd choose me!

Grissled Harley Guy- *staring at me* Eyeeeeeeeeee!

Me- *Dressed as a pirate* Uh. Actually, it's Arrrrrhg.

Jbro- Is there some one who's back there and responsible?

Eric- I am.

Jbro- And responsible?

Patty- *falling painfully over chairs*

Jbro- Really, Patty?

BAM- Where does this hallway lead to? *Looks down the hallway to see Eric bent over putting on women's underwear* It leads to a very bad place.

Andrey- *picking up his Raspberry Lime Ricky* What does this get garnished with? An orange?

Me- What is it called?

Andrey- A lemon?

Me- What is it called?

Andrey- Raspberry Lime Ricky. ... A lime?

Me- *closes eyes, nods silently*

Andrey- Oh my God! You're the meanest girl I know, dog.

Bossman Josh- You're not in proper Uno's attire.

Rob- Well, I just don't have black socks on.

Bossman Josh- It's part of the uniform.

Me- Who wears black socks? What's next? Are you gonna give us Uno's underwear to wear too? Mine will say, "Let Me Show You What's on the Lunch Menu"

Me- *pointing to the note left on the screen.* Yesly, you know I'm not on a double, right? I mean, I don't mind helping you out and stocking the station, but I don't know why you put my name on the note like I had to do stuff.

Yesly-, I didn't put your name on that note.

Me- Oh. You didn't write that note?

Yesly- No, I wrote the note, but I wrote the note to Matt, Molly and Andrey.

Me- No, look. It says Andrea F.

Yesly- *squints at the note and looks confused*

Me- Andrey, you stupid fucking Russian! I am going to punch you in the throat.

Andrey- Me? What for? What did I do?

Me- Did you drop the ‘y’ and add an 'a' and an 'F.'?

Andrey- *laughs*

Bossman Josh- *watching intently* How much do you think corporate is paying him to put Christmas Lights on that tree?

Me- I don't know. Alot?

Bossman Josh- He's the corporate interior designer.

Me- He's eccentric. Well, with a name like Blaze.

Bossman Josh- More like Flame.

Lil Cousin Justin- I'm sorry I didn't get you a birthday present. I didn't have any money left after I bought my new sword. *brandishes sword a few moments* *sadly* Do you want my new sword?

Kathy- No. That's ok.

Justin- Oh. Ok, good.

[in walks 8 or so saucy, sparkley girls]

Bonnie- Oh. Did the Hooker Train just get in?

Me- Do you have poop?

Jayden- No.

Me- Yes you do. *sigh* When are you gonna poop on the potty?

Jayden- Why?

Me- Because that's what you're supposed to do. Mama poops on the potty. Dada poops on the potty. And Uncle Mark poops on the potty too.

Jayden- Doggy?

Me- No, Dylan poops outside if he knows what’s good for him.

Andrey- Yo, so the guy I was waitin' on was mad fucking foreign. I don't know from where, maybe he's from my country, I dunno. But he's up at the front, and he's sayin' "I got to pay my bill, dog." So I gave him the check in the book, but I kept the book open. The tab was $25, and he puts a twenty and a five on the book. I just looked at him dog, then he put another two dollars in. But I kept looking at him, and he dug back in his wallet and put down another five. I was like, "thank you, I'm right set, son." That's how we fucking do it, yo.

Eric- With those boobs, and that face, I wish you had a penis.

BAM- I'll have another hefenweizen.

Waitress- I'm sorry, we're out of that too. The keg just kicked.

BAM- *stares menacingly*

Waitress- I'm just kidding.

BAM- Did you know I was about to punch you in the throat?

Eric- What? I can't believe we're listening to this right now.

James- This is awesome.

Me- Eric? Are you judging my music?

James- Awesome.

Eric- No, it's just I haven't heard this song since the third grade.

Me- Cause I'll kick your ass out...

Me/Eric/James- Whooooah we're halfway there- er. Whoah Oh! Livin' on a prayah! ... Livin' on a praaaaaaaaaayerah!!!

Eric- Ha.

Lisa S- There is a God and her name is Andi French.

Me- I hate this song, it's depressing.

Krista- This song makes me feel like I should be running on a beach.

Me- This song makes me think of a dreary, rainy night. When no ones around, and you're lonely, and there's nothing to watch on t.v., and there's nothing in the refridgerator you want to eat so you don't eat but you're hungry, and no one's returning your messages, no one but you is on myspace, you put on clothes but nothing looks good so you just put your bathrobe back on and shiver because it's cold, you have an unsettling feeling that a loved one might be dead or dying, and then you sit staring blankly at the floor, wondering where it all went wrong in your life, and if only you had enough energy, you might slit your wrists. That's what this song reminds me of.

Krista- Well, you certainly put alot of thought into that.

Me- Yeah. Well, the song comes on about about 8 or 9 times every double shift I work. {The song: Bakers Street I hate that song hard}

Me- Andrey, get the hell out of behind my bar. This is myyyy space. I don't go to your house and go in your room and start messing around with your cd's.

Andrey- What? Who even still listens to cd's?

Krista- Do we have Co-vor-see, uh, cuvasee... Um.

Me- Courvoisier? No. We have Hennessey.

Krista- What is that?

Me- It's a cognac, honey.

Krista- I've never heard of that before. Wait. *singing* Pass the Courvoisier. Yeah. I know all the words to that song, but I didn't know what Courvoisier was.

Me- *shakes head* You young kids.

Me- Hi. How are you two doing tonight?

Man at my Table- Shitty.

Me- Shitty? Why shitty?

Man at my table- She won't make up her mother fucking mind.

Me- Ohhhhkayyyy. I'm going to give you folks another minute or two. *backs off slowly from table*

Me- How are you doing there? Ok? Feelin' better? Are we calmed now?

Bossman Josh- Yeah, I'm ok.

Me- It's just that I heard you swearing, and I was concerned for you.

Bossman Josh- Are you one of those people who get mad when I swear and run and tell Bruce? I hate that. I can't do anything without Bruce finding out.

Me- No, that's not me. Self expression is healthy.

Bossman Josh- No, but really. If I fart, Bruce hears about it. *in his Bruce voice* So Josh, I heard you farted last night.

Me- Oh, so much stuff to bring in the house.

Mark- Ha ha. I've only got a couple things, and that's all I'm taking up. Good luck with that. *grabs hockey skates box which promptly falls open spilling out the contents all over the street*

Me- Ohhhh. That's Jesus punishing you.

Rob- *counting his drawer* Ooooooooh!

Me- What's so exciting?

Rob- I don't know what those people are called, but I'm one of those people who collect coins.

Me- Yeah I don't remember what those people are called either... Oh wait, I remember. They're called nerds.

Andrey- *takes dirty knife from the pile of dirty knives, wipes both sides on the side of the dishwasher, proceeds to leave dishroom*

Me- Absolutely not! That is a dirty knife! You can't use that! *takes knife tosses it across the dishroom, back into the pile of dirty knives*

Andrey- Why not?

Me- Ew!

Andrey- You're such a little girl.

Me- Excuse me!?

Andrey- Back in my country we all only had one knife, and we never cleaned it. And it still cut.

My Cousin Officer Jay- [to Not Awesome Mike, my sister's ex who's in a jail cell for a domestic dispute with my sister Michelle] Does this mean you're not coming to Christmas Dinner?

Me- Doesn't that make you angry?

John- No, I don't have time to be angry about that. With all I have in life to be angry about, I don't need any extracurricular anger.

Andrey- There's been something I've wanted to ask you. I was gonna wait, but I'm just gonna ask you now-

Me- *rearranging lemons, not ever looking at him* Whatever it is, no.

Andrey- How about you come on my ski trip with me?

Me- No.

Andrey- You me-

Me- No.

Andrey- *continuing* the white mountains...

Me- No.

Andrey- In the lodge drinking hot chocolate, or vodka.

Me- No.

Andrey- I'm not saying you have to answer right now, but just think about.

Me- I won't.

Andrey- And just tell me after work.

Me- I certainly will not.

Bonnie- Maybe someday Mark and John will both take the baby out.

Me- That would be... awesome. I'd be so naked.

Bonnie- [pause] You'd be naked?

Me- Yeah, I never get the chance to be naked in my own apartment.

Bonnie- Why not be naked in your room?

Me- Where's the adventure in that?

Awkward Joe- It's just like being naked in the bathroom. You're always naked in the bathroom so it's not special.

Me- Oh, Bonnie, this is awesome, thank you. I really wanted Guitar Hero II. The funny thing is that I was convinced that you were getting me a vibrator. So when I saw you coming in with this huge box I thought, 'whoa, that's a huge vibrator'. It's all the same, though. If you had gotten me The Rabbit, you'd a never seen me again.

Me- I'll be fine.

Nana- No. It's dark and you'd have to drive on backroads you're not familiar with. With your luck, you'd wind up somewhere in East Over Shoe.

Me- *chuckling*

Nana- What's so funny?

Me- Nothing. It's just, I probably would have said something different.

Nana- I can imagine what you would have said.

Me- Nanaaaaaaa... You got me all wrong. I don't use those words.

Katie C- How long did it take to you put on your makeup? It looks wicked good.

Me- Really? Thanks. I was afraid that I was sort of looking like one of those Bratz dolls.

Yesly- *wildly laughing* Well, now that you mention it.

Me- This song doesn't remind you of sweaty uncles? How 'bout you? Anyone? Anyone?

Ghetto Mike- The Vagina Monolgues. That play makes me hungry.

Bossman Josh- Are you making us a pre-meal drink?

Me- Sure what do you want?

Bossman Josh- We're having Pizza Skins, can you think of anything that would compliment Pizza Skins?

Me- A bypass?

Katie C- I don't understand the expression "loose as a goose." What? Do geese get a lot of action or something?

Me- And those are all my throat remedy secrets.

Bar Patron 1- Thanks. I'm always looking for new remedies. My bassist swears by Robetussin and Jaegar.

Bar Patron 2- That and a lot of blow.

Me- Andrey, get out of my personal space.

Andrey- You knowallumsayin ummmhmm. *makes a face, continues looming*

Me- Ugh! Seriously? Seriously. Andrey, seriously! You know, you dress nicely and you're sort of good looking, if you could only shut your goddamned mouth and be normal, you'll be ok.

Andrey- Only "sort of" good looking?

Me- I think I'm going to go home and play guitar hero.

Bossman Josh- I think I'm going to go home and play with myself. Better than your guitar hero I'd say.

Me- Alright, I'll give you that. But I can play guitar hero for 6 hours. You can't masterbate for 6 hours. Trust me. I know.

Me- *playing wii bowling* I don't know if I can do it.

Bonnie- Gonna try for the Turkey?

Me- *bowls a 9*

Bonnie- Ugh...missed the turkey by one...You know what I call that... November 24th.

Me- Really. Can someone tell me the difference between Karate and Kung Fu?

Bonnie- There are more songs written about Kung Fu.

Me- So there. 'So there' is my new favorite phrase because it says. "Sure you might have a point but I really don't fucking care."

Bonnie- 'So there' is debunking somone else's point, not having apathy toward it.

Me- NOT TO ME! So there.

Bonnie- You are unintelligent.

Me- [about an earlier conversation about her ex in our company] So where's your ex husband now?

Shayna- My EX?! He's currently living with our EX babysitter.

Me- [very long very awkward pause] Um, that's not what I meant, but I'm very sorry to hear that. I meant which Uno's does he work for now. But we don't have to talk about that now or ever again.

Michelle- He said it was the most impressive rash he'd ever seen.

Me- Wow. I don't know if I should congratulate you, or console you.

Redhead Mike- *disgusted* I wouldn't go out on stage with that right there. *points to some place near my clavical*

Me- *without looking down* Oh really with that right there?

Redhead Mike- Oh! She's so smart, she's not falling for that one.

Me- Of course not, I have a Dad.

Redhead Mike- Well, everyone has a Dad.

Other Brian- Not me.

Everyone- Ohhhhhhhhhhh..... *resonating awkward pause*

Ben- I know he's straight. I know. I know. But grr. I just want to touch him.

Andy Boy- Do you remember when you were in preschool, and you were taught not to touch things that aren't yours?

Me- *speaking to Mike Reardon on the phone* I'd like to get back into stand up, but I really don't want any part of open mics. Open Mic night is for young people, fresh meat. I'm old. Old meat. I'm practically jerky.

Bonnie- *tired, whispering* I'm glad that I got you the guitar hero instead of the vibrator, because I get to actually watch you enjoy your present.

Me- *hurt* I would have let you watch.

Bonnie- Ew.

Ghetto Mike- *looks at a picture of reflexology socks* Do these things actually work?

Me- Reflexology? Yes.

Ghetto Mike- Where's the sweet spot?

Me- The sweet spot?

Ghetto Mike- The sweet spot. *raises eyebrows*

Me- Ohhhhh. ... Ooooooooh, honey, you've been looking in the wrong place.

Eric- It was a play, and it won an Emmy, er, a Tony, um, whatever it is that plays win.

Me- Now you'll have to turn in your gay card.

Me- I think I'm going to hang up some pictures from Ashley's wedding.

John- Why? She probably doesn't have any pictures up of your wedding.

Me- *long incredulous pause* We actually haven't gotten married yet.

Dan The Cook- [to Ghetto Mike] You're a poster child for A.D.D.

Me- I would have said Tubal Ligation.

Camel Toe Girl- I told the preggo not to bother coming down.

Officer Bill- That was a good idea because the fumes here would make her baby retarded.

Me- Yeah just look at the two of you.

My Cousin Officer Jay- Yeah just look at us. Hey! Wait a minute, if I was smart, I'd really resent that comment.

Rob- *devilishly* Hey, Mother Theresa, *holds up our new and phalic muddler* You know what this is used for?

Kenia- *giggling, very embarrassed* Yes, Rob.

Rob- Really? Do you really know what this does when you take it home?

Kenia- Yes, now stop. *looking away, avoiding his stare*

Rob- You reeeeeeeally know what it's for?

Kenia- Yes already!!! Filthy things!

Rob-*seriously now* You mash up lemons and limes with it.

Kenia- *stares, humiliated and angry*

Me- One of our new muddlers is missing! Kenia? Need a little more in you than the Holy Spirit?

Lauren- You have the best eyebrows.

Krista- Thanks. I'm very particular about them. I don't know what I'm gonna do when I go to Italy for the semester. I've been practicing how to say, "Where do you get your eyebrows done?" in Italian.

Lisa S- Um, unless she was wearing underwear made out of hair, she wasn't wearing any.

Me- *returning from the ladies room* Alright, guys, the lady in the next stall wasn't moving or making any noise for a long time. And I was taking my time fiddling with my hair in the mirror. And you know how you can peek on people by looking through the crack? Well she had her jacket jammed into the crack so I couldn't see. And it all seemed very weird. Like she was dead.

Christian- I'm gonna go shut the light off on her and see what she does. *leaves*

Me- No, she could just be pooping peacefully.

[after a minute]

Christian- *running* She's not dead! She's not dead!

Jbro- Sad and funny. ... My two favorite words.

Me- I'm parked in the same garage. Oh! I should get validated. *walks downstairs* Can I please be validated?

Keith- You're a good person, you dress nicely and you belong here.

Bonnie- She's bartending but was never trained.

Me- Neither was I, not a day.

Bonnie- Yeah, but you know drinks. ... You're an al-

Me- *raises eyebrow*

Bonnie- You know drinks.

Me- Dave, wait, stay in the truck, answer my phone if it rings. *quickly gets out of truck*

Dave P-*also gets out of truck*

Me- What the fuck? Was I speaking Braille?

Jay- Are you kidding!? I can't wait for the next season of Lost. ... If someone said ,'To watch Season 4 of Lost, you'd have to lose an inch of cock', I'd grab a razor and shave it off myself.

Sideburns Joe- You'd go down to 3 inches?

5 Year Old Collin- But I want to go to the wake and see Papa.

Aunt Tina- Oh, honey, only Papa's body will be there.

5 Year Old Collin- *concerned* Then what happened to his head?

[in walks a police officer into the theatre]

Me- I hope he's going to take his clothes off.

Me- *draws on a magnadoodle* Alright, Jayden, what is it?

Bonnie- A tree.

Kerrin- Broccoli.

Andy S- Hiroshima.

Me- Weird, you were in my dream last night.

My Cousin Officer Jay- I'm in lots of girls' dreams.

John- *is given a salad, reaches for his fork*

Me- No.

John- *reaches for another one*

Me- Nope.

John- *tries again*

Me- That is your dessert fork.

Couple at our Table- *chuckling* At least you know he's running out of wrong forks.

John- She should consider herself fucking lucky that' I'm even using utensils.

Craig- [about the flood on the Improv Asylum's Mainstage] There's two feet of water in there. Yeah that short girl from the NXT cast, she drowned.

Jbro- [about the douchy obnoxious drunk girls at Wednesday's show] *crosses fingers* Here's to hoping cervical cancer gets around.

Me- David, am I still singing at your wedding?

Queen David- Yeah, of course.

Me- What shall I sing? Here come the Brides?

Server Josh- Ugh. The party who throws everything on the floor just left. They got napkins on the floor, crayons, menus, spaghetti- They didn't even have spaghetti. I think they left one of their kids on the floor.

Jenn R- Did [Andi] read you a page from her book, "I know Everything."

Bonnie- [on the phone with Awkward Joe] Drop your cock, pull up your socks, and get to Salem.

Me- Someone smells delicious.

Famous Mike- It's probably not me. Unless it's tang and awesome.

Jbro- *giving us notes in the lobby after our show* It's like this... [music starts playing] Hold on. *leads an impromptu dance break* So as I was saying...

Patty- *Falling painfully over chairs*

Me- Really, Patty?

Queen David- I got in trouble in Catholic School because I said I wanted to have sex with Jesus.

K-Scott- *appalled* As you should. Oh my God, David.

Me- Hey. Jesus was pretty hot. If I'm here when he comes back, I'd be all over that.

Queen David- What would Jesus do?

Me- *pointing* Andi French!

Dave S- *eyeing the bike locked up with the crutch attached to it* Whoa, wait. Is there something wrong with this picture?

Famous Mike- There's always some no-talent ass clown asking me how many times did I have to take the Super Hero quiz before I ended up as the Green Lantern, and I'm like, 'first time, ass clown'.

Matt C- Yeah, what's with that? The Bodyguard Soundtrack has all Whitney Houston songs and then three random other songs... I mean, not that I know the soundtrack. . . but man, if "I Will Always Love You" came on right now, I'd punch every girl in here just to carry them out. . . I mean, not that I've seen that movie a bunch of times. *backs away slowly*

Famous Mike- *2am, puts his arms around Patty and Me* Alright, where are we going next?

Me- Home.

Patty- Yeah, it's time.

Famous Mike- Ladies, you're not serious. We're going to get pizza from Pompeii. I mean, who doesn't like awesome?... *raises our arms for us* These girls.

Patty- You look so weird driving the Bronco because you're so dainty and well dressed.

My Dad- *on the phone leaving a message for his boss* I'm stuck in Salem, my car broke down. The worst possible thing that could happen to me... happend to me. So I won't be in work tomorrow.

Me- The worst possible thing that could happen to me, happend to me? Dad, that's a bit dramatic. It's not like you were sodomized.

My Dad- My car needs to be fixed, yes it is like being sodomized.

Me- It's taking me so long to fix my iTunes because I'm plugging in all that information, and it's hard to decipher what genre it is, and then I have to find out what album it came from, and when it was recorded.

Bonnie- That's some High Fidelity Shit.

[later scrolling on her iPod looking for a Carrie Underwood song]

Bonnie- Look under Carrie.

Me- Oh, that's weird, I'm looking in Songs instead of Artists.

Bonnie- *ashamedly* No, that's where you'll find it.

Me- Ugh!

[later scrolling through the T's for Elvis' "Trouble"]

Me- Ugh! These T's are endless. *comes across a bounty of songs that just simply read: Track* Tracks!? Seriously?

Bonnie- *taking over the scrolling* Uh- I'm ashamed.

Me- *hits tooth on martini glass*

Bonnie- I can't even look at you when you do things like that.

Me- *from the car* We're going to smoke pot.

Pat R with Lady Friend- *walking down the street* We're going to have sex.

Me- Alright, you win.

Me- * in the kitchen, opening up the check presenter to see that I was left a nice tip* Thank you, lesbians.

Server Josh- You'd be surprised how often I say that very same thing.

Drunken Slob- How do I get you to come back to my room?

Me- Umm... Um...*awkwardly chuckles*

Drunken Slob- I've got a video camera *mimes filming me*

Me- Yeah, I'm not going to do that.

Drunken Slob- Why!? Tell me why.

Me- Amongst many other glaring things, I don't think my boyfriend would appreciate it.

Drunken Slob- Oh, you got a boyfirend? I gotta wife *holds up wedding ring*

Me- *smiling* She must be a lucky girl.

Drunken Slob- Tell me you love me. ... Can I have another beer?

Me- No. I'm not serving you.

Drunken Slob- Really? Whoooooo!!!! *pumps fist* Go Chargers!

Bosslady Michelle- I think you should go back and stay with Kelli, I think she might be going into labor.

Me- *excitedly* Whoa! Awesome! *changing to serious* Alright, I'm gonna need someone to get me some hot water and a shoe string. I'm gonna deliver this baby. {I did not deliver that baby}

Grown-Ass Man- I would like the Brownie Bowl.

Me- Are you sure that's what you want? We also have a new-

Grown-Ass Man- The Brownie Bowl is a bowl of happiness. It is perfect. The Brownie Bowl is designed for the optimum pleasure.

Me- ... Brownie Bowl it is.

Bonnie- *driving*

Me- *looking out the window* Ha! Hallo Green. Friggen weirdo! *looks closely* ... That's Meghan. I think that's Meghan.

Meg- *walks down street in lime green sweat suit*

Me- Hey, Meg, do you need a ride?

Rob- Come on, you girls love me.

Me- Like a pap smear.

J.D. Drew- *hits a grand slam*

Bar Crowd- *goes wild*

Beer Drinking Guy- *holds hand up to get a high five from Queen David*

Queen David- *confused* Um, ok. *high fives* *shruggs shoulders, walks away*

Mark- Were you just in a buying-a-food-processor-type of mood?

Me- No, actually, it's from John. He remembered our anniversary for the first time in 9 years and actually did something sweet.

Mark- What did you get him?

Me- *ashamedly* Nothing. He was sweet, and I wasn't.


Mark- So what truck do you think it "fell off" of?

[on halloween]

Bonnie- *opens the door for a guy in an oversized afro and gold sunglasses*

Afro Guy- Hey, can we come in to the party? I mean- We're here! We were invited. She has to go to the bathroom. *motioning towards a very drunk slutty nurse*

Bonnie- Do you even know anybody who lives here?

Afro Guy- Yeah I do, I know Matty, Joey, Johnny, Mikey...

Bonnie- You have a good night. *shuts door*

Brian- *engages me in polite party convo*

Dude in Very Short Gladiator Skirt- *rolls up and looks me up and down*

Brian- This is Rauld. Rauld, this is my friend Andi.

Me- Rauld? Rauld, it's very nice to meet you.

Dude in Very Short Gladiator Skirt- *says nothing, walks by like he's going to pass through, stops, snakes arm behind my back, and leans into me*

Me- *confused* Oh! *hugs him awkwardly*

Dude in Very Short Gladiator Skirt- *lingers*

Me- *pats him on the back* There ya go. Alright.

Dude in Very Short Gladiator Skirt- *moves on*

Brian- I'm trying to sleep with him tonight.

Me- Shouldn't be hard to do.

Mike N- *shamelessly working his game on a girl*

Me- He's ridiculous.

Brian- He's already hit that though, so what you're seeing is more like when someone renews their library card.

Me- Who are you texting?

John- Paul, from work, he wants to buy t shirts.

Me- *disappointed* Oh. I thought you had a friend.

Craig- *slips on suit jacket*

Me- Wow. Look at you. It's not every day I get to see a guy in a suit. Wow. I love when a guy looks good in a suit. Pardon me while I ogle.

Craig- *blushing* Well I came straight from work. But trust me, I take it right off when I get home from work-

Me- Just shut up and let me look at you some more. No talking.

Bonnie- Alright, so we were playing Scrabble, and I have a question- You play scrabble, right? You know the rules?

Me- Yeah, sorta. Not really. I mean, me and my great grandmother used to play, but we wouldn't like play the game. We'd play church.

Bonnie- *makes face* Whatttt?

Me- Um, church. Like, the letter holders look like pews so we pretended the letters were like church people and they'd be listening to a sermon. [pause] *embarrassed* Did you have a scrabble question?

Bonnie- Nope. *mouths WOW*

Me- You know how you read that if you have more than 4 drinks a week you're an alcoholic? (1) That's bull and (2) That hurts my feelings.

Me- Who is that girl taking everyone's coats?

Conor- She works with Lola and is here helping out as a favor to Lola and Jay.

Me- So she is working.

Conor- Working on my heart.

Wasserman- *complaining about Christmas Trees* ... and stupid Christmas Trees. They get in the way.

Conor- In the way of your atheistic beliefs?

Wasserman- They smell bad.

Me- What!? Christmas Trees have the best smell.

Wasserman- Ok they smell fine. But what about allergies?

Conor- They smell fine too.

Bon's Friend Kev- I don't want her on the T at this hour, especially when she's drunk. Because she's not... strong. She wouldn't be able to defend herself. She's... she wouldn't make it.

Me- She's rape-able?

Bon's Friend Kev- Definitely rape-able. Oh my God Bon, am I a monster for saying that?

Meredith- *riding in Bonnie's car in Southie, approaching a parked car* Oh my God! I hope they don't drive-by shoot us.

Bonnie- That's a parked car. We, actually are the ones driving by. So it'd be a stationary shooting if anything.

Big Bossman Bruce- Why don't you just ask for help?

Server Josh- Because she's Andi-pendent.

Meg F- *explains why the diamond is on the wrong finger* It's a Promise Ring.

Me- Yeah it's an I-Promise-You-I'll-Get-You-A-Bigger-Diamond Ring.

Jay- Buying Ikea furniture is like dating a really hot whore with AIDS. It looks good and people are jealous of you, but then it falls apart one day.

Mark- My friend, she gets paid to blog-

Me- Oh My God! How do I get a job like that?

Lola- *shrugs* Spell check?

Jess T- *looking over my shoulder at the picture of Jayden in my book* Ohhhhh, is that your daughterrrrrr? She's sooo cute!


Me- *slow burn* My. Son?

Bosslady Michelle- My son- I love him. He's so great. He's so talented and smart... and if it weren't for the fact that he's an arrogant little prick, I'd love him more.

Lisa S- So, do you think the new girl is a crackhead?

Me- I think we keep hiring the same girl, with a different face.

Me- I got Yesly to cover my Tuesday shift, but it wasn't cheap.

John- I thought you were switching with Jenn.

Me- I was and she said she would, but she had to let me know after she checked her calendar. Which means that she'll tell me she has some sort of doctor's appointment. I've never seen anyone, before, ever have so many kinds of doctors appointments. She ought to have the cleanest teeth and the healthiest vagina.

[playing Cranium at Kerrin's on Game Night]

All of Us- *are playing puppet/puppet master* {you have to move your partner's body as if playing charades and you can't talk}

Bobby Savage- *moves Bonnie into a position where she was about to ring a doorbell*

[The doorbell really rings]

Someone- Hey! No sound effects!

{it was the pizza guy ringing the real bell, and it was perfect}

Jimmy- *Brags loudly and obnoxiously while playing a board game*

Bonnie- Whoa Jimmy! Look at the big cock on you.

Dan the Cook- You have the most amazing eyes, *angrily* too bad they’re attached to the rest of ya.

Server Josh- Don’t you owe me a blowjob?

Me- (1) No. Not ever. (2) You didn’t even do anything to be deserving of one. And (3) I wouldn’t ruin your life like that.

Server Josh- Ruin my life?

Me- Yeah, because never in your whole life will you ever have one again as good as mine.

Server Josh- *thinks for a moment* I’ll take the risk.

Other Dan- *puffs chest* I was an MP.

Me- In other words, a babysitter with a gun?

Other Dan- *knocks over drink* *knocks over Dupe’s Spike* Umm…uhhh. *gets receipt stuck to arm* *spills drink. again*

Me- Umm…Dan? Do you need something?

Other Dan- Attention.

Me- Clearly.

Buffet Heckler- *obnoxiously* Look at all these girls! Look at all these pretty ladies! Where’re your Hillbilly Boyfriends? Why aren’t those Hillbilly Boyfriends of yours taking you to breakfast? I can’t believe it…all these pretty girls and no Hillbilly Boyfriends…

Mara-Lee- Umm…it’s a bridal shower..

Buffet Heckler- A BRIDAL Shower? Is that what you ladies do? Oh…us guys have a bachelor party and just go to a coupla bars.

Bonnie- Ummm…Ladies are classy…we do brunch…

Meg- …uhmm…I can’t remember the story

John- *immediately* Maybe you oughta lay off the pot, Meghan.

Meg- Uhhmmm…wow….uhh…what a comeback…ha…hoh…what did that take, like…uhm…what….5 days to think of?

Jayden- *getting on the Green line [train]* I’m on a train! I’m on a train! I’m on a- Aaaaaaaaaallllll Aboooooooooooard!

{mere words cannot describe Jenn’s furor and resulting unstablness. Pauses denote periods of time when no words could come out of Jenn, only stunned silence, mouth agape or moving wordlessly, looking around for some shred of normalcy to hold onto}
Jenn R- *runs up, breathing heavy* They’re still here. Table 10. The bitch who thought the Chop House Classic was chopped up steak. [pause]… And she kept saying, “It was a easy mistake, and you made me feel stupid, you made me feel really stupid.” …[pause] Well you are really stupid!!! And mean!!! Why didn’t you read the menu!?... Why doesn't anyone read the menu!? [pause] And…[pause] I tried to get her her salad… [pause] there were no bowls… So I went and got a bowl…[pause]… and… [pause] and there was no salad mix. So I went to go get one, When I came back the drawer was stuck… [pause] And when I tried to unstuck it, the whole fucking thing fell through... [pause]… And there was no diced tomato… [pause] and…and… Table 11 doesn’t speak any English!!! I’m on the phone with her children who are translating!!! And [pause] Oh my God! I have to pee so bad!

Lisa S- Jenn, just breathe. Go pee.

Jenn R- Ok. *runs into ladies room*

[38 seconds go by]

Jenn R- Liiiiiiiiiiiiisaaaaaaaa! Lisa!!!

Lisa S- Jenn, what is it? Are you ok?

Jenn R- *from the stall* Can you give me some toilet paper?

Me- Well, in all my 28 years-

Jess T- Wait. You’re only 28? I thought you were much older.

[a hush falls over the kitchen]

Me- *as a low growl* You are two for two, girlfriend.

Us- *knocks on Marks door* Hey, Mark… *holding a cake*

Mark- *from within* What?

Us- It’s a surprise.

Jayden- IT’S CAKE!!!

Will- [on looking like Jason Biggs while in the Magic Kingdom] Great. Now Mickey thinks I’m a pie-fucker.

Tanya Bradley- Want to listen to my CD’s? I’ve got Donovan.

[confused silence]

Bonnie- ...Mellow Yellow Donovan?

Tanya Bradley- *disappointed* He’s so much more than that.

Me- [on Jay dancing with his mother at his wedding] Awwwwww. Jay finally gets to dance with someone who’s shorter than him.

Jay- We think the reason why you cried so much at the wedding is because you know you’ll never have one.

[long pause]

Me- That really isn’t nice.

Danielle A *lifting up a Great Pyrenees’ tail* Hey, Pal, you got a frank and beans down there? Just a frank? No beans? That’s ok.

Bonnie- I’m having a hard enough time trying to choose a color for my walls, I don’t have the energy to even think about what color to have on an accent wall. Plus, why would I want one wall to be different? The other walls will wonder why they aren’t special. It’s bad enough that one wall has two windows and the wall that faces it thinks, “Shit. I’m not good enough to even have a door.” Think of how that must feel…

Jay- Oh, I could grow a POWERFUL beard.

Me- There’s nothing wrong with swinging for both teams, it increases your odds by 50% for the chance of getting a date on a Saturday night.

Radiologist- I'm finished with the outer ultra sound, I’ll start with the internal-

Me- Internal? You mean inside? I didn’t know about that.

Radiologist- I’m going to give the device to you and you’re gonna slide it in. *dims lights*

Both Toby and Me- Mood lighting.


Radiologist- Everything looks ok. You have an uneventful vagina.

Me- [pause] That’s the saddest thing I ever heard. I swear I was told differently.

Bonnie- Did I tell you I have a family of raccoons living behind my house? They’re really cute, but I have this irrational fear that they’ll jump on my head. ... You know what though, they’re so cute I’d actually welcome it.

Patty- *falls off chair during an improv scene*

[immediately following show]

Me- Really, Patty?

Michelle- [defending the act of giving promise rings] What else do you give someone to let them know you love them?

Me- I don’t know, Life Insurance?

Aunt Linda- Well when you have kids-

My Cousin Officer Jay- Whoa! When am I having kids?

Jay’s Girlfriend Lisa- Yeah, who will raise them?

My Cousin Officer Jay- The state.

My Cousin Officer Jay- [on keeping his sector drug free] I come on at midnight and that’s when all trafficking ends.

Me- Oh, is there like a Closing Bell?

My Cousin Officer Jay- Yes.

Bobby- [to the couple singing ‘Come What May’ to each other at karaoke] Just because you sing this in the car to each other doesn’t mean you have to involve the rest of us.

Bonnie- We were gonna come into your room last night and cuddle with you.

Mark- I would have stabbed you.

Bonnie- In our hearts; with your piercing words?

Kathy- [to my dad] Don’t look at me with that tone of voice.

Jayden- Bah-Bop-Hair-Pans. Bah-Bop-Hair-Pans please???

Me- ... What!?

Jayden- *angry now* Bah-Bop-Hair-Pans! Now. Please.

Me- *lost* I wish I knew what you were saying.

[two days later]

Jayden- Bah-Bop-Hair-Pans

Me- I am sorry, but I can’t help you. You are not speaking English.

Jayden- *picks up a Sponge Bob DVD, points syllabically* Bah. Bop. Hair. Pans.

Me- [to Toby before my ultrasound] You and Jayden can stay and watch, but if they decide to stick that thing up my baby door again, you’ll have to take Jayden outside.

Me- [to Mark] Does John choke you out in the morning, too, with his excessive use of hairspray?

John- Shut up, I don’t use that much.

Mark- It doesn’t choke me out, but it does seep under my door.

John- No it doesn’t.

Me- I cough and gasp, it’s like Napalm.

Mark- There’s nothing like the smell of aqua net in the morning.

Me- It smells like victory.

Vitka- [after an already awkward conversation] So… anything else new with you girls?

Us- *wanting to leave* No.

Toby- *elbows my arm* Andi has something new.

Me- Oh, yeah. I’m also pregnant.

Vitka- Pregnant? Do you know who the father is?

[slight pause, stunned]

Me- *flinches* Um. John.

John- What’s your name?

Jayden- Spiderman.

John- No. What’s YOUR name?

Jayden- I’m. Spider. Man!

Mark- *throws away sandwich after pulling one of my hairs out of it* We have to get you a hair net.

Me- Oh, relax. It was just a hair.

Mark- Your hair gets everywhere.

Me- Big deal. You take it out and move on. That’s what I do.

Mark- *gags*

Me- And it’s not like you and John don’t shed too. I’m always pulling your hair out of the fridge, because you and John both have to stick your whole heads in there to figure out what you want to eat.

Mark- How do you know it’s my hair? I don’t do that.

Me- Yes you do, because I find two different sizes of hair. Your hair is much shorter than Johns, and I find long hairs and short ones. … Unless John’s sticking his dick in the refrigerator…


Mark- *gets up, disgusted* I am never eating anything in this house again.

Me- [to Kerrin about Ollie] Be careful when he kisses you because sometimes he uses his teeth. It’s like kissing a 5th grade boy.

Jayden- A tunnel please.

Mark- *puts his legs up on the coffee table, making a tunnel*

Jayden- *jumps on top of Mark’s legs*

Mark- *his legs fall back down* What kind of tunnel is that?

Bonnie- The Ted Williams.

Toby- If it wasn't for Christmas, Billy wouldn't have any underwear. I'm just kidding. He has a birthday too.

Me- *on the phone with Bonnie* I just want you to know... I used, um, the present you gave me.

Bonnie- [pause] I'm glad... but is this something I really want to know?

Me- Well I just wanted to say thank you, and it was... intense-

Bonnie- Alright this is something I don't want to know about-

Me- I only had it on for 25 seconds before... I... didn't need it on anymore.

Bonnie- 25 seconds? What? Did you start with the "Big Finish"?

Me- No. It just happened that fast.

Bonnie- *impressed* Well if anything I gave a time-saving gift. There is nothing like efficiency.

Me- True that.

Me- *crouching down sweeping under the bed*

Jayden- *approaches and pulls on my V-string which was peeking out* Mama, what is that?

Me- *embarassed, swatting him away* Those are Mama's undies. Go play somewhere else.

Jayden- *still pulling* But what IS itt?

Me- Undies!

Jayden- No! Not undies. What is it!?

Me- *getting up* They... are... hard for me to explain to you, but it's not right for you to be pulling on them like that. ... How about some cookies.

John- Did you see the belated birthday gift Mark left for you on the table?

Me- The ginormus fryolater? Yes. That's interesting.

John- Can you burn down the house with that?

Me- I'm not sure. Perhaps if I tried hard enough...

Man- Good morning!

Me- *walking by* Good morning!

Man- [to Jayden] Hello there!

Jayden- I'm a dragon.

Me- No. No he's not.

Me- *driving*

Bonnie- You were really close to that car.

Me- I know.

Bonnie- My colon clenched.

Jayden-* has a tantrum*

Bonnie- *laughs*

Jayden- No Funny! All done FUNNY!!!

Nikki Cannon- What self respecting straight man wears a sweater vest?

Nikki Cannon- [about her boyfriend] He's simple as in he doesn't feel he needs cable, so when I'm over his place, I'm so not keeping up with the Kardashians, and that's not cool.

John- *after wrestling with, swearing at, sweating over, and yelling at the Ikea dresser* More suicides occur after putting together Ikea shit than depression. You know that, right?

Nana- I'm gonna go up and visit you one of these days.

Me- I'm not holding my breath.

Nana- What's that supposed to mean?

Me- How many times have you visited me in the past year? How many times have you gone to Foxwoods? ... What do I have to do, put nickle slots in my livingroom, I'm just sayin'.

Delaney- *crying*

Me- *still pushing* Oh. Is that my baby?

Me- [to the delivery nurse] I always try to do what I'm told, like if I had that filet of fish, I'd give it back.

Nikki Cannon- Leo and I had a "pre-pup-tual" agreement, so that when we broke up I kept the dog.

Me- My breastmilk smells funny. Not like funny weird, but like, it smells like bubbles.

Bonnie- So like, funny ha-ha?

Jayden- Take a wives.... pweeze.

John- *has a physical melt down over spilled macaroni, swearing and slamming things in the kitchen*

Jayden- *from the living room* Daddy? What happened???

John- It's ok, Jayden, Daddy's ok.

Jayden- Cause you were uh-uh-rah-uh-argh-rah *mimicks father perfectly*

John- My favorite house is back on the market!

Me- Why do you waste your time looking at houses we can't afford?

Bonnie- What kind of house is it?

John- Awesome.

Bonnie- Wow, that's the best kind of house there is.

John- It has a 4 car garage...

Bonnie- For your 1 car?

Me- Much of my parenting skills are owed to 'The Babysitters Club'

Jayden- *wearing the boppy pillow around his waist* Look! I'm Saturn!

Me- What did my vagina look like when you could see Delaney's head?

Bonnie- *tries to gesture with her hands* A touch lamp.

Doreen- Leave the baby with me, take Andrea out for dinner!

Me- Yeah right. We don't go anywhere, we don't do anything. Doreen, it's a miracle she was even conceived.

Doreen- Take her out for dinner or she will leave you!

John- Is that a threat or a promise?

Bonnie- I want to take my temperature too, can I use your thermometer?

Me- Sure but it's been in my mouth all day.

Bonnie- Well better in your mouth than in your anus.

Both at the Same Time- That's what I always say.

Bonnie- I can't believe he's getting married. I'm happy for him... but, I can't believe he's actually going to get married... to someone. He's just so odd. And I mean that in the nicest way, he's a nice guy, and he deserves someone... but really... who loves him?

Me- *waits in line for water slide with son*

12 yr old Boys- *giggles*

Me- Alright, what's so funny?

12 yr old Boys- My friend thinks you're hot.

Me- I'm what?

12 yr old Boys- Hot!

Me- *thinks they are being wise asses until looking down a little ways to see another 12 yr old Boy awkwardly waving hello* ... Oh. That's sweet. But I'm old enough to be your mother. Thank you for that though.

Jayden- What was that?

Me- The sound of your Mama breakin hearts.

Jayden- *inspects his urethra* There's a rip in my peenie!

My Dad- [leaving Canobie Lake Park for the night] I really would have liked to go on the corkscrew.

Me- Well I'm glad you didn't.

My Dad- Why?

Me- Because you can't risk the precious few braincells you have left.

Jayden- [in the car] Do you see that girl?

Me- Yes.

Jayden- I love her.

Me- What about Marini!?

Jayden- I love her too.

Bonnie- I truly believe that my bed is made out of the finest clouds... most likely stolen from the foot of St. Peter.

Bonnie- What are the top 3 things you would never get me?

Me- A pocketbook, a salt lick, and tassles. ... Am I right?

Bonnie- Yup.

Me- I think that guy just thought I was Jayden's sister. *mind racing* That's funny right, but, like I don't look like I'm really going to be thirty, right? I look younger than 30.

John- Sure.

Me- I can get away with 25, right?

John- Yes.

Me- 22?

John- That's pushing it.

Me- Damn it.

Me- You are lentigneous.

Bonnie- You don't have to tell me twice.

Me- Why don't you wait until I get there and I'll help you move your t.v.

Bonnie- It's heavy.

Me- I'll bring my dad.

Bonnie- It's really heavy.

Me- What? Is it made out of limestone?

Bonnie- It is embedded in the crust of the earth.

Me- Well , we can wait until John gets home if you think your magma t.v. will give my dad a fourth heart attack.

Bonnie- What are you doing?

Me- Online policy training at Petco. Bon, the actors they have doing this are making the craziest hyperbole faces. I keep thinking, "Woowwww, that was a choice."

Bonnie- How don't I have this acting work?

Me- I don't know, you'd be perfect.


Me- Yessss! Sexual Harrassment didn't let me down.

Bonnie- Does it ever?

John-*losing his temper* Fine, then Christmas is cancelled until you learn to listen to your Daddy!

Jayden- *equally as angry* No Christmas for you, no Christmas for anybody! No Christmas anymore!!! I hate Christmas!!!

Me- *calmly* Jayden, Santa would be so sad to hear that. But if you really want to cancel Christmas I'll tell the [Elf on a Shelf] to fly to the North Pole and let Santa know. Is that what you really want?

Jayden- ... *looks up at the Elf, breathlessly* I so sorry.

Jayden- Madeline is mad at me.

Me- Madeline, your girlfriend? Why?

Jayden- Because I love Peyton.

Me- Peyton!? Well, be prepared for Madeline to be mad at you for a long time.


Jayden- I'm so mad at Madeline.

Me- For what?

Jayden- She told Peyton not to love me.

Me- And does Peyton love you?

Jayden- No.

Me- Well, that's not surprising Jayden, they're all sisters you know.

Jayden- Madeline is so bad to me.

Me- She's a woman scorned, consider yourself lucky she hasn't tried to slash your tires.

Lady on a Bench- Excuse me, but would one of you know what time it is?

Me- We would.

Bonnie- But who's gonna get there first?

Me- Me.

[mad dash for cell phones ensues]

Simultaneously- *screaming* 7:46!

Bonnie- Damn.

Me- Shit.


Bonnie- Do you think that lady was scared?

Me- Yup.

Me- Look at that boy in his sparkly shirt.

Jeff Hickman- The problem with that is, girls are attracted to a shirt like that.

Me- No, the problem with that is guys think girls are attracted to a shirt like that.

Jeff Hickman- You're right, I don't understand women. ... I wish I had a shirt like that.

Kathy- Come on, let's go to church.

Jayden- Can you call up God and tell him I'm sick?

Me- If ever a day went by that you didn't complain. I'd die of a heart attack.

John- If ever a day went by that you didn't do something stupid, I'd die of a heart attack. We'd both be dead on the floor and our children would be orphans.

Me- Well. That's that then.

Me- *trying to nurse Laney at the Border Cafe* She hates being covered, but she needs to stay under the blanket, there's too any people here. I'm not trying to get on youtube.

12 yr Old Boy In Petco- *approaching grooming salon* Hi. Do you know how many times a week you're supposed to feed bettas? I recently had two bettas. Well, I had one, I named him Rafikki. Rafikki was the name of the shaman baboon of The Lion King. He gave out sagely advice and I admired that. So then a week later I got another betta and his name was Jafar. You'll remember Jafar was the dasterdly Grand Vezier from the Disney Movie Aladdin. I named my betta after him because there was certain slyness to him. That and he was red and black. So Rafikki and Jafar were just fine until my sister in all her arrogance told me that I wasn't feeding my beloved bettas enough, and to prove a point she decided to feed Jafar what she errouneously thought he should be fed, and of course he's dead now. I'm glad that I'm right, but I'm sad my betta died. So I'm here to know once and for all how much are you supposed to feed a betta.

Me- ... A small amount every other day.

Me- *removing packaging* I don't understand Bakugans.

John- They're along the same lines a Pokemon.

Me- I don't understand Pokemon either. I don't get it.

John- It's all the kind of role-playing games that originated from Dungeons and Dragons.

Me- Again. I don't get it. I was never into that.

John- Really? Why not?

Me- I don't know. [pause] Oh I know why. I'm not a geek.

John- You laugh, but the people who played D&D in the 80's are running this country now.

Me- John, did you play Dungeons and Dragons?

John- Me!? No!

Me- *shutting off the iTouch* Did you like that playlist?

John- I guess. I wasn't really paying attention.

Me- It'll be our Wedding Playlist.

John- Oh, our Never-To-Be-Heard-Again Playlist?

[On the phone]

Jayden's School Nurse- He came straight to me off of the bus with a belly ache. I asked him what he had for breakfast and he told me toast. I said, "Oh what did you have on your toast?" And he said, "Poison."

Me- It- It wasn't poison.

Jayden- Did you hear that? It was my belly. *pulls my head to his belly* Listen: *changes voice* I don't want anymore dinner. I want icecream with rainbow sprinkles.

[riding in the car]

Jayden- What's that moon doing?

Me- I don't know. You tell me, what's the moon doing?

Jayden- It's following me.

Me- I had a dream last night that John proposed to me in Atlantic City.

Bonnie- Are we still calling it a dream? Didn't that dream die a long time ago?

Bonnie- Ohhh, that straw is making me nervous. I just don't want her to poke herself in the eye

Delaney- *pokes herself in the eye with the straw*

[riding in the car]

Jayden- That ball of light is following us?

Me- That's the sun.

Jayden- No, it's The Future.

Me- You are right.

John- We should have another baby boy.

Me- Oh, did you grow yourself a womb?

Me- Do I have to throw your Spiderman movies away?

Jayden- Do I have to throw your computer away?

Me-... Touche.

Jayden- How did we get here?

Me- ...

Jayden- Who made our skin and our eyes and our bodies? Was it aliens?

Me- Um. Well. Some people like to think God made us all, and some people like to think we evolved from tiny organisms. No one has really been able to prove it either way, so after you give it some thought, you can believe whatever you'd like to and that's ok.

Jayden- So? Aliens?

Me- You been hanging out with Tom Cruise?

Jayden- Look! It's my baby sister!

[entire class gets up to look, except for one]

Jayden- *annoyed* Peyton, look!

Peyton- *gets up, looks, rolls eyes, sits back down* It's a baby. That's nice.

Rachel- *gushing* She's so cute! She looks just like you, Jayden! *smiles*

Jayden- *ignores her*

Rachel- *rests hand on his shoulder* You're lucky, you have a beautiful mommy, and baby sister.

Jayden- Ok. Bye.

Rachel- Bye, Jayden, I'll miss you.


Me- Jayden, forget Peyton she's a lot of hassle. Stick with Rachel, she's a doll.

Jayden- Rachel? ... Ok.

[approaching a group of kids at the playground]

Jayden- Mama, will you tell them I'm 5 and I'm cool?

[at a playground]

Michelle- *looking up* A guy in a gorilla suit. That's normal.

Random Teenager- I don't know who that gorilla is but he's been hanging around my school.

Jayden- I want to see him!

Me- *pulling him by the collar* We don't talk to strange gorillas.

Me- Do you hear me!? I sound like my mother. You and the kids make me sound like my mother.

John- You are your mother.

Me- No I'm not.

John- Yes you are.

Me- Not I'm NOT!

John- See?

Jason- It's just that I don't like people.

John- Join the club, I'm the president.

[during a conversation about race]

Me- Yes, Kia-lan is Asian, Dora is Hispanic, and Little Bill is African American. If you forget which is which, you can think of them.

Jayden- What's Wubbzy?

Me- ...Wubbzian?

Bonnie- She's really ugly, she's the missing link. I mean like, Easter Island ugly.

Me- *laughing"

Bonnie- Are you laughing because I'm horrible?

Me- Yes but it's awesome.

Kaylie- She thinks she's so much better than us because she's from New Hampshire.

Nish- What? Does she live in a high-end trailer park?

Kaylie- I wish she'd die in the woods.

Me- Jayden has a new love interest. Her name is Chloe and he's in love because she's pretty.

Jayden- And because she kisses me when the teacher isn't looking.

Me- What! She kisses you!? Do you kiss her back?

Jayden- No! I kiss her lips.

Erin- I saw the cutest little kid at the yardsale. She had the most gorgeous hair! ... I just wanted to shave her head and wear her hair around.

Me- How's Grammy doing?

Michelle- Good considering that she had a stroke, broke her hip, and almost died. We've found the fountain of youth, it's Canadian Mist Whiskey.

Nish- [to the kids in the store] Where are your owners- I mean parents?

Kathy- He kind of heard a bad word on tv this weekend, and he told me what it was and that he heard it. I know it's bad, but he sounds so cute saying it.

Me- Jayden, did you hear a bad word?

Jayden- Yup.

Me- Tell Mama. It's ok, you can tell Mama what it was.

Jayden- Okaaaay. What the ffffffff-

Me, Bonnie, Kathy- Noooooooooo! Not that one. Don't say the rest!

[stunned silence]

Kathy- It wasn't that word.

Jayden- [after having just been dragged from Mama's bed for school] Your bed is awesome. You are not awesome.

Me- *eyeballing the leatherman* You got a pair of scissors in there?

Jason F- *pulls out tool, makes a series of adjustments, and brings out the world's smallest scissors*

Me- *raises eyebrows, cocks head*

Jason F- So size does matter?

Uncle Phil- *haphazardly waving a lighter over the packaging of an instant grill* I guess this is how you light it.

Me- *nervously* Why don't you read the instructions.

Uncle Phil- Why would I want to do that?

Me- Because you're a grown up?

Jayden- *overcoming a struggle to lift the lid of the kitchen trash* Ha ha! Nice try, trash!

Nish- Are you leaving, can you give me a ride?

Me- Ok, but I have to go to Lynn to pick someone up. You don't mind riding in the back?

Nish- I was going to anyways.

Me- What is this? Driving Miss Daisy? ... In reverse?

Nish- hahhahahahah! *walks away to go punch out*

Kaylie- *looking baffled*

Me- Are you that young that you don't get that movie reference?

Kaylie- Yeah.

Me- *explains movie plot* Get it? It's funny.

Kaylie- Oh Haheheh .... *face goes blank* Did you just make a black joke?

Me- Yes.

Kaylie- *pauses, thinking* I didn't know you two were cool like that.

Me- [to Ashley] I'm sorry I argued with your husband and drove everyone at your party outside. ... You can argue with John anytime you want.

[at the beehive in the Museum of Science]

Bonnie- I want to find the queen so bad.

Me- If you want to find the Queen B, you're looking at her.

Bonnie- I hate you.

Bonnie- *Eyeballing my 5lbs of Crisco* What do you people do in this house?

Me- Fantasy Football is like D&D for jocks.

Me- Hi. I'm watching youtube, I've got a screwdriver in my hand, I'm about to take apart my iPhone to make it work again. Do you have any thoughts?

Apple Support- Put down the screwdriver!

Me- Apple Man, I'm a desperate woman.

Apple Support- Destruction is not the answer. I'll talk you through some safer options.

Me- ... Ok.

Nish- *pushing Laney's carriage out of a store in the mall*

Me- You don't have to push the carriage. *takes carriage*

Nish- Yeah, you better push or people will think I'm your nanny.

Me- Why do you say that?

Nish- *makes a face* I dunno. *looks herself over, tosses head*

Me- I didn't leave the house all week, but I was so busy between the fundraiser, avon, and my dog training classes, I didn't come out of my office the whole time.

Nish- Oh, your little office. Well at least you're making money in there.

Me- Not really.

Nish- Then you can't call it an office, it's a lounge.

Ollie-*jumps all over Jay*

Lola- Well, that's usually what I do when I first see you too, paw your genitals and pant.

Lola- Eating gummy bears in excess creates a mild laxative effect.

Me- I did not know that.

Jay- Is that what happened to me the other day?

Bonnie- She's a big fish in a small pond.

Cole- *picks up glass* More like Big fish small Pilsner.

Bonnie- *excitedly tells a very long story* Ugh. I'm sweating.

Me- ...drinking like and Irishman going off to war.

Lola- Are you trying to hypnotize me with your headband?

Me- *adjusts super large rosette headband* You like my headband?

Bonnie- *eyebrows raised* I'm not sure that's what she said...

Tammy- *feverishly writting in the corner of the table* Everyone brought presents in bags, I bring you a card and a check.

Bonnie- Are you signing my card and check right now?

Tammy- What? Me? No. Yes. Yeah I am. So what?

Bonnie- Well, my check just went up $5.

Tammy- Fine. $6 it is then.


Bonnie- *reads Tammy's sentimental card out loud* Aw, did you mean all that?

Tammy- To be honest, I don't even know what the card said.

Bonnie- You didn't read the card!?

Tammy- I'm just kidding! Yes I did! *makes a telling face* No seriously...yes I did...I remember...I was in walmart...I was in the uh...the uh the something aisle.

Bonnie- The card aisle, maybe?


Tammy- Don't cash that check yet.

Lola- I love your bed because it's so high off the ground. I was just sitting on it and dangling my feet.

Me- Well, thank you. It's not so much fun, though, when you're pregnant.

Lola- Good to know. If I ever get pregant, I will avoid your bed... unless that's what got me into that mess in the first place.

Lola- I would like to make use of one of your porches, does it matter which one?

Me- Use the front one, there's an ashtray out there- wait, there isn't.

Lola- Do you have any tinfoil?

Me- That's swift thinking. *pulls out tinfoil, tears off small piece, molds an ashtray out of my tiny fist*

Lola- Aww. Your ashtray is the same size as my vagina.

Me- See how she said 'vagina'? That Lola is class not crass.

[in dog training class]

Me- Ok. I'm going to come around and grab your balls. ... Um, collect your balls, that is.

Deli Guy- Can I do anything else for you?

John- Yeah. Don't get married!

Me- *incensed* WE NEVER DID!

Me- *slips on a red velvet blazer*

John- When you bought that, did you think, "I'm gonna look like the most badass pirate ever!"

Me- Shut up! ... I look good.

Me- *looks around* Sigh. I'm a cougar at this party.

Passed Out Girl- *lolls around on the recliner, slightly*

Me- Sweetheart, can I help you? Can I bring you somewhere? Can I get you anything?

Passed Out Girl- *passes back out*

Brian- Just leave her. She's breathing.

Me- For now! Why am I the only one that thinks they should help her? Maybe it's because I'm the only one here who's had babies.

Brian- To full term, anyway.

Jason- When are you going to have your next [baby]?

John- You need to have that three letter word for that.

Jason- We didn't need to. Donna used the wrong towel one day.

[in a stall in the ladies' room at the House of Blues]

Me- *looks down, notices alot of movement going on in the next stall, thinks "wow, she must be really thorough."*

Man- *makes a slight noise*

Me- *face changes from a confused squint to a knowing "oh"*


Group of Guys- *thinks it was me*

Me- *shakes head to denote it wasn't me... but really wishes it was*


Bonnie- I think I passed it. I'm lost maybe.

Me- We should ask somebody. Pull over and I'll ask that lady we passed holding the "slow" sign.

Bonnie- No, that's ok, I already didn't listen to her once tonight.

John- *gets in Jason and Donna's car* And I'm not putting on my seatbelt so don't even ask.

Donna- So when we get into and accident and you go through the windshield, you'll be ok?

John- Ok? Have you seen my head? It might not even fit through the windshield.

John- Look at this asshole in front of us, I ought to pull him out of his car and shit on his head.

Me- Wow. Can you relax?

Jason- Did you ever think maybe he's into that sort of thing? He drives around like an ass hoping that someone gets angry enough to poop on him. Could be, there are all sorts of people in this world.

Donna- In the E.R. when there's a trauma, it's a small space, and there are so many people in there bumping into each other, pressing up or rubbing on each other...

Jason- Are you talking about a trauma or a porn?

Mike Z- Well! And this is coming from the same girl who said that associates are below her.

Me- No. I never said associates are below me. I said associates can blow me.

[via fb chat]

Bonnie- I typed up this whole thing about having no feelings because ice cream numbs you but you dont know the difference kinda like a labotomy...but it was more epic, then I hated myself and deleted it because I heard you laughing






Me- heeheeeheheheheehe

Bonnie- My bowl of happiness is now a bowl of empty.

Me- You're kind of philosoph-y tonight. I like it in a way I like to understand others' pain.

Bonnie- Andi, do you understand my pain?

Bonnie- *eating an apple* I used to think that once you ate through the skin you were all done.

Lola- Funny, that's what I thought about humans.

Meg- So, Mark..did you ever finish your Jeep?

Mark- I did. Then I sold it.

Meg- What? Why'd you sell it?!?

Mark- To buy a house.

Meg- Oh. So it's like The Gift of the Magi...

Bonnie- It's exactly like the Gift of the Magi. Because all the house really wanted was a Jeep.

Meg- No...but, like, he bought a house and has no car to put in the driveway.

Everyone- *in unison* He already had a car...

Meg- OK...Fine...he bought a house and has no Jeep to put in the driveway. Ugh. It's nothing like the Gift of the Magi.

Me- New York smells like toast.

Michelle- No, New York smells like sex and shame.

[after a discussion about British Ale]

Dan- Yeah. We need to get my girlfriend one or two of those.

Everyone- *raises eyebrows* Ohhhhhhh?

Meg- So... What? I can have a good sleep?

Dan- Humh-

Everyone- *reacts to the annoyed and ominous noise Dan made*

Dan- She can laugh about it now, but she knows what's gonna happen when we get home.

Lola- Andi...not that I'm complaining, but...I just didn't know if you knew.

Me- *fixes half exposed breast*

Dan- Great, Lola. Thanks for ruining it for all of us.

Meg- know, John has guns.

Dan- Yeah? Me too. *flexes bicep and kisses it*

Meg- No...I mean, like, guns that kill people.

Dan- Oh...I thought you meant ones for loosening pickle jars.

Meg- Oops. I snarfed my wine.

Bonnie- I'm priceless sometimes

Nish- I just found out I live in the hood.

[after Grampa passed]

Jayden- *doing push ups*

Me- *through tears* What ARE you doing?

Jayden- Daddy said I needed to be strong for you.

Nana- Oh, and this is my old granddaughter.

Me- *purses lips*

Nana- She's 30.

Me- Thanks Nana.

Aunt Carol- That IS old.

Me- Thanks Aunt Carol

Jayden- You've got something on your face. I'll just get it off.

Me- Thank you.

Jayden- *pulls colored sugar off my cheek* I'll just eat it.

Me- No Jayden! You don't eat things off of people's faces!

Lady- *puts dog bed on counter for purchasing* If my husband doesn't like this, I can return it, right?

Me- Yes. If your husband doesn't find it absolutely comfortable you can return it.


Me- No one? ...

Bonnie- Do you want to try a little of this dipping sauce?

Me- Yes please.

Bonnie- *passes the sauce down* You don't want to use too much. A little dab'll do ya-

Me- *presses the air out of the bread, dips the entire piece into sauce*


Grammy Spinney- *makes off-handed comments about the condition of Aunt Linda's house between sips of Candian Mist*

Aunt Linda- *exasperated* Walk a mile in my shoes!

My Cousin Officer Jay- Wouldn't be too hard to do, there's a pair over here, a pair over there...

Me- I had a crazy and vivid dream last night that I was having sex with Eminem, and the funny thing was, I felt like I was cheating on Kanye.

Bonnie- *speaking softly to a drunk and sleepy Craig H *Aw...Craig! You look like the sweetest little angel!"

Craig H- "Mmmm...I FEEEEEL like the sweetest little angel..."

Me- Jayden clean your room!-

Jayden- No! Never!!!

Lady coming out of the Library- *looks up at the snow that had just changed from rain, miserably* Oh, now. What is THIS!?

Jayden- *mirthfully* It's snow!

Mike Reardon- So what would be more fun for your bachelorette party than one free night with MIKE REARDON!!!! BAM!

Me-Such as...?

Mike Reardon- What do you mean?

Me- Are you talking comedy... or gangbang for my bridesmaids?

Mike Reardon- Well the second one sounds amazing.

Zelda the Dog- *licks Jayden*

Jayden- No! I am not your food! ... She thinks I'm delicious.

John- Sometimes when I hear what your friends say, I think someone should shut down Salem State.

Kaylie-'s like tryin' to get water from a rock-

Me- *closes eyes, shakes head*

Kaylie- Ya know what I'm sayin'?

Me- *overcome with the urge to correct, softly* Blood from a stone.

Kaylie- What?

Me- It's blood from a stone. The saying. It's something unattainable.

Kaylie- What? You can't get water from a rock?

Me- You MIGHT be able to if you drilled into it and it was close to a water source...

Kaylie- *looks confused*

Me- Whatever, it's not important. All you need to know is the saying is "blood from a stone."

Kaylie- But you can't get blood from a stone, though.

Me- Exactly.

Kaylie- What?

Me- No. Exactly. *nods*

[at the Musuem of Science]

Me- What is that alcove down there?

Bonnie- What alcove?

Me- It's somewhere I'd take my 5th grade boyfriend to go make out.

Bonnie- You have a 5th grade boyfriend?

Jayden-* acting like a space zombie in the space capsul*

Little Girl- I'm not afraid of you.

Jayden- I will HAUNT you.

Jayden- I want Bonnie to wake up. I'm gonna pop her dream.

Me- What?

Jayden- Her dream cloud. *gestures to an imaginary cloud 5 inches from the top of her head* I'm gonna punch it.

Me- You want to punch her dream!? That's not nice. You don't go around punching people's dreams.

[discussing Nish's new boyfriend]

Me- Is he Asian?

Mike Z- Oh yeah, she's into those Asian guys.

Me- She like's their Korean Beef.

The Younger Girls- *looking puzzled*

Mike Z- *looking slightly uncomfortable*

Me- It was a double entendre.

[thinking of a song to sing at karaoke]

Bonnie- Take Your Mama?

Me- That would be awesome if we were gay guys.

Bonnie- We kinda are though.

Me- Oh, you're making the Quote Board tonight.

Nish- Noooooo! Don't quote me like this. I prefer to be quoted sober.

Me- You made the quote board last night and you weren't even talking.

Nish- Huh?

Me- I said you like Asian guys for their Korean beef.

Nish- Mmmmmm I love their Korean beef.

Me- Bahahahah.


Nish- What am I gonna do about [my ex boyfriend]? Should I call him up? Arrrre you fucking a bitch? Is that rude?

Bonnie- If by rude you mean wildly inappropriate and unnecessary, than yes.

[later at Bill and Bobs Roast Beef]

Nish- I have to pee.

Bonnie- Go in the parking lot. Andi has.

Me- Make a decision!

Nish- Ok I will!!!

[60 seconds later]

Nish- Oh!!! I peed outside.!!! I should tell somone.

Me- No you shouldn't.

Bill and Bobs's Guy- Here's your waffle fries and mozzerella sticks.

Nish- *loudly* Hey, I peed in your Accura.

Me- No she didn't!

Nish- My boob is itching because that made me so nervous.


Me- How many drinks did you have?

Nish- Only four. And a half. Or seven.

Kathy- I'm tired.

Jayden- That's because you're old and you're gonna die.

Me- I want to have a baby before the wedding.

Bonnie- Don't do that. You'll be stressed, and you'll freak out.

Me- Do I freak out? I won't freak out.

Bonnie- You will.

Me- I promise I won't freak out.

Bonnie-You're gonna freak out and you know what's going to happen?

Me- You'll say, "You promised not to freak out."-

Bonnie- No, I'm going to punch you in the face. Because I punch now.

Jayden- *picks up the pineapple off the table* Is this a pineapple!?

Me- Yes.

Jayden- I hope someone moves in!

Bonnie- Why is your bass up so high?

Me- Cause I'm from Brockton, yo.

Bonnie *making the floor creak*

Me- Yup. My kitchen floor creaks, we get it.

Meg- Bonnie, do you know what that sounds like?

Bonnie- Meghan, I was your roomate for 2 years, I know exactly what that sounds like.

Jayden- *taking a bath* Mom! Laney's in the bathroom. She wants to take a bath too!

Me- *from across the house* Um, no! Don't let her fall in, I'll be right there!

Jayden- She's putting your things in the tub with me!

Me- Oh no! *running now* What things!? *thinking they are electrical things*

Jayden- I don't know... but they're yours.

Me- *swings open the door*

Jayden- *is huddled on the opposite side of the tub away from the water-logged tampons and applicators*

[Laney is potty training]

Laney- *sitting in a puddle of her own pee*

Me- Oh, Laney! Who peed on the floor?

Laney- The dog.

Bonnie- *sends me a picture of her nose bleeding*

Me- Fighting?

Bonnie- Ya... with good fortune... guess who's winning...

[discussing excitement over having found a flashmob group]

Nikki Cannon- I wrote down my name and number and email address, and then I wrote I heart flashmobs because I really want them to call me!

[cell is ringing]

Jay- *annoyed* Who is calling me!? Everyone I love is here! *looking* Oh it's just me. Me!? *frustrated* How could I be calling me!? Lola! *irrate* you're calling me from your purse! How is that possible!?

Me- Guys, you are so close to the street, I'm afraid someone is gonna get hurt. Move to the grass. Who's car are we leaning on anyways?

Conor- This car? *simulates sex act on car*

Me- Well then.

Bonnie- *hysterically laughing* I am laughing so hard right now... I'm still laughing... I just didn't think Conor would dry hump a car.

Me- I bet it wasn't all that dry. {it was drizzley all night}

Conor- *from a distance* No it wasn't! And I wasn't expecting that.

Jayden- I need to watch t.v.

Me- No you don't need to watch t.v. You watch too much t.v. You're going to turn into a t.v.

Jayden- I wish I could turn into a t.v. so I could watch myself.

Me- She doesn't exisit on my planet. I don't talk to her, I don't look at her, I have no business with her.

Liz- Now I know what to put on your next yearly review. You need to improve your interpersonal relationship skills.

Me- *sigh* I don't have a problem with people who are awesome.

Mark- I believe in public execution.

Me- You could sell ponchos.

Bonnie- Like a Gallagher show.

Me- John is a pretty intimidating guy.

Rich- But he seems like he'd be a big Teddy Bear.

Me- Mmmmmm... I wouldn't so much call him a Teddy Bear.

Mike Z- I'd hug him like a Teddy Bear.

Me- Don't do that, please.

Meg- Aw! This is the cutest Winnie the Pooh Bear ever *pets the stuffed animal*. ... Why is it wet?

Me- [pause] Laney peed on it.

Everyone less Meg- *laughs*

Me- I washed it. It's clean. It's probably clean.

Bonnie- *still laughing* That was perfect timing! Like a Chevy Chase movie!

John- Jayden, don't be ridiculous!

Jayden- I'm not a dickless!

Bonnie- *introducing me to the the cats she's sitting for* This is Smidgy, and this is Holly. They look like twins except I call Smidgy 'Fat Holly' and I call Holly 'Thin Smidgy'. I have never seen the third cat. She is in hiding. I call her 'Ann Frank.'

Jayden- It's such a nice day, Mama, I think I want to go outside.

Me- I think that's a fabulous idea! As soon as you can clean up your mess, I will take you to the park.

Jayden- Oh. Nevermind.

Me- Oh! Come on!

Jayden- No. You ruined it.

Me- John zip-tied my luggage shut. People do that, right?

Michelle- No. And it looks suspicious.

Me- Great. I'm about to be gangraped by the TSA.

Bonnie- Good morning. Did you find a tiger in your bathroom?

Me- No?

Bonnie- Vegas?

Me- Oh, I'm not in Vegas yet. I'm in San Francisco.

Bonnie- Did you find a homosexual in your bathroom?

Me- That's what I get for getting s $15 haircut.

Ryan- Did you got to SuperCuts? Did you get a Chinese stylist? Every time I've ever gone I've gotten a Chinese stylist.

Me- No. It was a guy.

Ryan- Guys can be Chinese.

[during a lady discussion about who wears what kind of undies and when]

Aunt Patty- Well, I just wear Granny Panties all the time.

Nana- I wear Great Granny Panties.

AJ- Guys have to be aggressive and bring their A Game when they meet girls.

Me- Well, I was the one who brought her A Game to your brother.

AJ- That's because you're a slut.

Me- Is it just me or is it the shorter the dress, the uglier the face out here?

My Cousin Officer Jay- They don't get to spend a lot of time on their face because they have two hairdos to worry about.

Me- I had to leave my dad's souvenir at the airport because it had liquid in it. It was really cheap so it wasn't a big deal, but I feel bad because dad doesn't get a souvenir.

John- Yes he does. He's leaving with my sanity.

Kaylie- This ball smells like vanilla.

Mike Z- I don't sniff balls.

Mike Z- Louis Vuitton has a designer condom out now.

Me- What!? How much is it?

Mike Z- $68.

Rich- I want one!

Me- You would use a $68 condom?

Rich- No. I just want it. I wouldn't use it. I'd rather get a girl pregnant than use a $68 condom.

Rich- I hate Glee. I'd rather watch regular theatre than watch Glee, and I hate theatre.

Me- Aww. Why do you hate theatre?

Rich- It's boring. Unless it's a really funny theatre show. Like the Vagina Monologues. That show is hilarious.

Me- *confused stare*

Delaney- I'm naked!!!

Me- Who told you that? A serpent?

Rich- *walks in looking skater punk fabulous meets homeless*

Me-... I like your style, friend.

Rich- Thanks, me too! I used to dress like this all the time, then I had a girlfriend that didn't like it.

Me- Well, I agree with her. Although I appreciate the style choice, I wouldn't want to have sex with anyone who looked like you.

Rich- *furrows brows* I'd have sex with me.

Me- *yelping in pain*

Dr. Goldman- *removing his glove and entering information into the laptop* You certainly are not a fan of the pelvic exam.

Me-... Um. Nope. Is that a surprise?

Laney- *wakes up with Nick Nolte Mug Shot hair*


Jayden- Look! I changed Laney's hair!

Me- Oh, that was very nice of you to fix her hair.

Jayden- Yeah. Now she looks like a normal girl.

[in the grooming salon]

Me- There are a bunch of scents to choose from...

Lady- Nothing too fruity, he needs something manly.

Me- We have this one right here * uncaps bottle* it kind of smells like Axe Cologne.

Lady- *sniffs, then backs away* Not that one. I don't need my dog smelling like a Douche Bag.

Me- Who wants to be with someone who might drop dead at any moment?

Bonnie- It depends on their insurance policy.

Name Withheld- She's disgusting. I can't even imagine it.

Me- I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss her because...

Name Withheld- Ughghgghghghgghgh!!! Don't finish that sentence!

Me- Desperate girls will let you put it anywhere, think of the potential to be able to try out some crazy shit.

My Dad- [to Laney] Pick up your toys!

Delaney- You're being ruuuuude!!!

Me- This Christmas season Laney got enough white, blond-haired, blue-eyed baby dolls to run a very specific orphanage.

Bonnie- Yeah, an Aryan one.

Me- True. She's raising the Third Reich in her bedroom.

Rich- I might have COPD.

Mike Z- Yeah, isn't that a Naughty By Nature song?

Me- Jayden come in here and watch this Lady Gaga video.

Jayden- *comes in, watches some bizzare dancing* Well. I've had enough of that. *leaves*

Jayden- Can I have a donut?

Me- No.

Jayden- Why?

Me- Because you've had enough donuts today.

Jayden- Aw! Please?!

Me- No.

Jayden- Why!?

Me- Because that's not good for your body.

Jayden- Mama, but I pooped today!

Me- *just sitting down*

Phone- *rings three rooms away*

Me- *reluctantly running to get the phone* Hello?

Recording- We have an important message for... Andrea French. Please hold. [long pause]. Thank you for holding, please continue to hold the line. [longer pause]

Human Being- Hi. May I help you?

Me- I don't know, you tell me.

Human Being- Hmm?

Me- You called me. I was holding.

Human Being- Are you Andrea French?

Me- Yes.

Human Being- We just wanted to make sure you were.

Me- I have always been Andrea French.

Human Being- And the last four digits of your social is ####?

Me- No.

Human Being- And your year of birth is 1972?

Me- No.

Human Being- You're obviously not Andrea French. Goodbye."

Arthur- I've got a new hearing aid. It's got three settings.

John- What do you need three settings for?

Me- *miming turning something off* T.V., boss, wife.

Dan- Can I get a glass of water.

Me- *holding baby, grabbing glass* Sure.

Dan- I can get it, you're holding a baby.

Me- No, that's ok. I've gotten really good at doing things one-handed.

Dan- Me too.

Me-Breastfeeding can be very difficult. You can get a clogged duct.

My Cousin Officer Jay- Excuse me what? A clogged duct? That's an easy fix, though right? You put some lime away on that.

Jayden- *looking at Jacinda* I just can't take it. Her cuteness has powers over me.

Me- I hate the internet.

Bonnie- Ooh ya? I want you to think long and hard about all the porn the internet has given to you... and reevaluate your feelings of hatred.

Me- Why can't everyone have awesome and informative websites? Porn sites are easy to navigate. Ice skating rinks... Not so much.

Ashleigh- ...when I start my new job.

Me- Oh. What are you going to be doing?

Ashleigh- Working at a preschool.

Me- Well. You're going from wrangling college students to wrangling preschoolers. That's a bit of a leap.

Ashleigh- No. Not really.

Me- *describing this funny meme before she can actually read it for herself*

Bonnie- Ok. Why don't you just let me see it for myself. I'm not an idiot. I mean, I can tie my own laces.

Jayden- I think when you look at aliens you see the mask of a suit. If you took off the mask you could see who's really in there. ... I think it's Justin Bieber.

Me- *looking at Jayden's nails* You've been biting your nails! Stop it!

Jayden- *incredulous* How did you know?

Me- Because I know everything. All seeing, all knowing. I'm omnipotent. Om-ni-po-tent. Tell your friends.

Me- Laney put your shoes away.

Delaney- I can't right now, honey. I'm so busy.

Me- What do you want to listen to?

Delaney- That Gaga Lady.

Me- Have either of you ever been at the mexican boarder?

Mike Z- I live in Lynn.

Jayden- What made you want to live with Mama?

John- Because she smelled like ice cream.

Me- Aw.

Jayden- Not anymore!

John- What does she smell like now?

Jayden- A cat in a trash can.

Me- What!? That's not very nice. Or accurate.

Jayden- Let me smell *sniffs* He's right. It's ice cream.

Me- *brushing out my curls*

Jayden- Mama, are you exhausted?

Me- No, why?

Jayden- Because your hair looks exhausted.

[starts in my house, ends at Salem Hospital]

Me- [on the phone with a Brigham nurse] Hello. I believe I'm in labor, I'm coming in.

Nurse- ... you don't sound like you're in labor. You are way too calm.

Me- I'm pretty sure. I'm in an awful lot of pain.

Nurse- It doesn't sound like you are.

Me- I have a pretty high threshold for pain. This is my third baby, contractions having ben coming at roughly 12 minutes for 3 days, I live far away, I'm tired and I'm ready.

Nurse- Go back to sleep.

[4 hours later]

Me- Screw it, this baby is coming, contractions are 9 minutes apart, I'm taking a shower and then we are leaving.

[in the shower, contractions jump from 9 to 3 minutes]

Me- John! Quick! Help me trim my lady parts for the doctor!

John- Get out of the shower! We gotta go!!!

[10 minutes later]

Me- *death grip on the roof of the car* Get. In. The. Car. Drive me to Boston.

John- Do you want an ambulance?

Me- Just. Drive.

John- I can't shut the door with you holding onto the roof like that!

Me- Drive with the door opened! AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

Jayden- Mama?

Me- Jayden, Mama's about to get real up in this car right now, but everything will be fine.

[1 mile down the road]

Me- Stop!!! I can't have this baby in this car!!! Call!!!

John- Hi Dispatch, can you send an ambulance to the Walgreens at Vinnin Square Swampscott?

[2 minutes = 2 fire trucks, 1 Supervisor's car, 2 Squad cars, 1 cop on a detail in his own car, no ambulance] [everyone crowds the car]

Fireman- *condescendingly* Ohhhhhhh, are we having a babyyyyyyy?


Firemen- *starts pulling my kids out of the back seat* Let's get her in the back, she's ready to deliver. She's crowning.

Me- Noooooooo!

Lady Fire Person- Let's wait, the ambulance is 2 minutes away.

Me- Thank you, kind soul.

Ambulance Driver- Where are we talking you?

Me- Brigham.

Ambulance Driver- Not unless you want to have the baby on the Tobin, we're heading to Salem.

[inside the ambulance]

Me- Every...30 seconds....I'm ready.... to push.

Young EMT- Please don't push in here. I've never done this before.

Me- What!? Shit!!! Ok. You and me are gonna get through this together... I won't push.... you won't ask me to speak.

Young EMT- I need to know your name and medical information.

Me- Nooooooo Wordsssssssss!

[2 minutes later arriving at the hospital]

Young EMT- Ok, we're about to roll over a big bump, it's startling to say the least.


Young EMT- Yes ma'am.

Me- I know it's to late for..... and epidural... give me anything! I'll smoke crack right now!

[wheeling into Emergency]

ER Man Doctor- Ok, I'm going to need to peak a little here, I need to just pull the top of your pants down a little, I apologize I need to make you a little indecent for a second.


ER Man Doctor- Ok, baby's coming, she's ready to go to delivery!

Me- What!? I can't push right here.

ER Man Doctor- Nope. You push in delivery. Buh bye, now! Happy Baby Day!

Young EMT- *pushes me through a long, winding labyrinth*

Me- Please pull over and let me push in this hallway!!!

[arrival in delivery, 10 people are bustling around, no one is paying particular attention to me, I want off of the gurney and into stirrups]

Nurses- How far apart are the contractions?

Me- I'mandreafrenchi'm31ihavenoallergiesorprecautionsihavebeenhaving30secondcontractionsfor10minutesgetmeoutofthisgurneyi'mreadyNOW!!!


Me- *gets off gurney myself, strips, puts on johnny, climbs onto bed, lifts up legs*

Nurse- There's a head here! *everyone comes over*

Another Nurse- The EMT that brought you in, he's outside, he's like to know if he can watch because he's never seen a birth before.

Me- ... Why the hell not!? Sure! Let him in.

Nurse- Really?

Me- Yes. He did lift me over the bump and I weigh 180 pounds.


John- I'm looking for my wife? She was brought in for an emergency-

Me- Arrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

John- That would be her. Thank you.

[later, the baby was stuck by her shoulders, contractions contiunuously]

Nurse- Hold your legs up!

Me- I can't. I'm tired.

Nurse- You have to.


{Jacinda was born at 9:02 am finally breaking through me like Koolaid Man breaks through a brick wall}

Rich- *eating one of my brownie sluts* Oh. If my mouth could have orgasms... it would be orgasming right now.

Me- *telling a "funny" joke* (silence)

Jayden- Mama! Bonnie tells the jokes, you do the laughing!

[Jayden is telling us what he thinks people want, he is surprisingly accurate]

Bonnie- What do you think Geeeeeeeoooooorrrrrrgia wants?

Jayden- Oh. I don't know WHAT the heck.

Me- *sits on couch, takes out boob to nurse Jacinda*

Lil Ardin- *stares wide-eyed, never having seen this done before*

Me- Oh! Ashley I'm so sorry, I didn't even think.

Ashley- It's your apartment, don't be sorry.

Lil Ardin- *still staring* What ARE you doing?

Me- Um *nervously* Feeding the baby.

Lil Ardin- Feeding her WHAT???

Me- Milk?

Lil Ardin- ... That's weird

Me- Laney, your room is a mess.

Delaney- Yeah, you should really clean this place up.

Jayden- People shouldn't try to act fancy. You should eat with one fork and that's it. You shouldn't be something you're not.

Me- I agree. You should always be yourself. But what if you are fancy? Don't you think Mama is sorta fancy, naturally?

Jayden- No.

Me- No?

Jayden- No, you're not fancy. You're an ol' crazy cowgirl.

Me- *returning to my car parked at SSU* Oh good! No ticket!

Jayden- What's a ticket?

Me- Well. Sometimes the parking attendants in Salem don't like where you park your car, so they give you a ticket, which, means you have to pay a fine.

Jayden- What a pain in the ass.

Jayden- Do babies come out of your lady parts?

Me- Yup.

Jayden- Seriously?

Me- Yes. All three of you were born that way.

Jayden- *falls over clutching his own privates* No!No!No!No!No!No!No!No!No!No!No!Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! That's ridiculous !!! That would hurt so bad!!!

Me- It hurts more than anything in the world. It hurts more than all of your bones breaking simultaneously. And when Jacinda was born, the doctor had to push her back in and flip her around. And that happened without anything to take that pain away.

Jayden- That's why I don't ever want to be a girl!!!

Me- Well. You're in luck.

Jayden-I bet you want revenge on us.

Me- I'll settle for kids who listen.

Jayden- Ok. I will listen to ya.

Jayden- *rubbing Laney's arm*

Me- What ARE you doing?

Jayden- I love human skin. I want to make a blanket out of it.

Me- ... ... Don't say that out loud.

Drunk Jen- Is it hard? Having three kids?

Me- Yes. Because now you have more children than you have hands. So if you have to chase after them, you have to trip one, then grab the other two.

Drunk Jen & Bonnie- *laughter*


Drunk Jen- Oh. You're not kidding.

Delaney- *running her fingers through crushed eggshells* It feels like the Internet.

Jayden- *talking to Jacinda* Shhhh. You shouldn't bother Mama. She doesn't feel good and she's tired.

Delaney- And old.

Me- Did you use the [cookie] recipe I gave you last time?

Bonnie- Never made it... because I got cock-blocked... and had to make Rice Krispie Treats.

Me- Oh! Right! No one likes a cock-blocked cookie.

Me- It's some kind of conspiracy. I put a plate of roasted Brussels Sprouts on the table, they react like I just put the second Human Centipede DVD down on the table.

[at a hibatchi]

Me- Bonnie, why won't you let [the chef] put things in your mouth? Can't you see he wants to?

John- *grumpily getting ready for work*

Me- Are you leaving early?

John- Yep.

Me/Meg/Bonnie- *breathe sigh of relief that he will be gone before the party that he doesn't know about happens*

[in walks Uno's Chris and Uno's Tom, dancing and waving bottles of alcohol in the air]

Me- Oh. I'm having some people over

[playing Cards Against Humanity]

Uno's Chris- Who's was the anal reference?

Me- That would be me. ... I throw anal around all the time.

Uno's Chris- That's surprising only because you have three kids.

Bonnie- She ONLY had three kids.

Bonnie- I don't like living alone.

Me- What. I. wouldn't. Give. to live alone. Trade places with me Freaky Friday style.

Bonnie- No. I know how that ends. You are better than me in both lives and it's a nightmare.

Me- :(

Bonnie- I'm too lazy to have 4 kids

Me- hahahahahaahahahahahaahah

Bonnie- (Not a typo ;-))

Me- I know.

Me- Jayden, go upstairs and change for practice. If you think your legs are gonna get cold you can put on your red socks.

Jayden- No thanks, mom, I'm gonna suck it like a man.

Me- NO! No, you suck it UP like a man. Up, is a very important word

Me- Cleaning your house while your kids are under ten is like brushing your teeth with Oreos

Jayden- *counting on his fingers* Uwwwwwwww! IWISHIHADONEHUNDREDFINGERS!

Me- I hate that guy. I want to fuck him sideways with a 2X4.

Me- Oh my god. I have more balls in the air than a girl in a Bukkake film.


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    • wixor profile image


      7 years ago

      Hey I like this. I think we can get a lot inspiration for things to write about from our everyday lives, especially the ordinary events that we can take a humourous spin on!


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