The Reasons You Are an Awful Person According to Astrology
This is a parody—meaning humor piece. It is not intended to be a serious study in Astrology, although the meanings below did indeed draw from challenging traits said to be associated with the various signs. This article was written with tongue in cheek. Please keep this in mind if you are easily offended!
Every sign is fair game in this article. It's going to be harsh, over-the-top, and all in good fun. There is no escape. Whatever sign you were born under, I will illustrate to you why it was written in the stars that you are a horrible human being.
If you leave here with a reduced self-esteem and your fragile ego torn into tiny tatters, then my job as a ruthless, backbiting Scorpio sadist is done.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You are not only arrogant and confrontational, you are also extremely rigid and dogmatic. Like a boa constricting its prey with its relentless death grip; your ego avoids being bruised at all costs, even if it means alienating everyone around you.
No such thing as a purposeful debate with an Aries. You don't need things like facts and empathy for others getting in the way of your opinion. Nope, once you've made up your mind nothing, truly nothing at all, will change it.
When you're not busy annoying the will to live out of everyone around you with your aloof, know-it-all, condescension, you spend a great deal of time engaging in reckless, impulsive and undisciplined behaviors.
When a project needs to be done, you're the one who will systematically "half-ass" it, leaving it sub-par and unfinished for everyone else to attend to while you set off on your next adventure. You're the person that makes the office a truly wonderful place—when you leave.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Your tendency towards self-indulgence and laziness is truly perplexing. You believe very much that the world owes you something, but lack the motivation to get up and actually work. Your possessiveness and materialistic nature often makes you jealous of others, especially the ones who actually work for the things you covet.
Your possessive nature and tendency towards jealousy also make you prone to stalking and never knowing how to take "no" for an answer, in anything, ever.
You mistake the term “frugal” with “cheap”—meaning you don't date much. You are not only cheap and self-indulgent, you tend to be rude as well. Another reason many of you live in your mother's basement well into adulthood.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You're a nervous Nellie who lacks decision making ability. Your inability to focus is not only annoying, it causes you to miss out on opportunities in life, which is odd considering how much value you place in superficial things like status symbols.
Gemini people are so naturally intelligent they bore easily, which is really just a lame excuse for being flaky and undependable.
What you lack in organization, you make up for with almost limitless energy. No one can create a chaotic workspace with as much enthusiasm as you.
Your dual personality means you are bi-polar moody with no direction, boundless energy and a tendency towards intense anxiety. In other words, you are a high-strung basket case and most people think you're nuts.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You are moody, oppressive, chronically pessimistic, hyper-emotional, and suffocatingly clingy. If that weren't enough, you are also prone to being a nag and will find something in any situation to unceasingly complain about.
You see every tiny challenge in life as Everest and are a chronic victim. No one on Earth has known the troubles you've seen. Everywhere you go, a violin should be following you playing a sad song.
You are more drawn to home life than excelling in career areas because—well, you can't. Your brooding pessimism and hypochondria cause you to miss too many work days and eventually you get fired, either because you don't show up, or because people really just don't want you to anymore.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your ego truly knows no bounds. You are indeed a legend in your own mind; and can't understand why others don't share the same opinions you beat them over the head with constantly while tooting your own horn.
You have an uncanny flare and excessive need for drama, coupled with an equally large lack of talent. You never let that stop you from hogging the spotlight though, because at least you are incredibly good looking.
Your sexiness and good fashion sense is of course what truly matters in your superficial world. Forget the ocean, you're about as deep as a birdbath—one that hasn't been filled in awhile.
Your controlling nature, obsessive need for attention, constant demands and lack of patience make your good looks the only thing that keeps you alive. This is especially true for Leo children who would never survive into adulthood were they not the cutest kids ever born.
Virgo (August 23 – Sept 22)
You're fussy, hyper-critical and stubborn. This, coupled with your wholly anal retentive nature and inability to ever be pleased, make you easily one of the most excruciatingly painful people to ever have to work or live with.
You have a tendency to remain stuck in the past and to avoid all forms of modernization, while constantly complaining that nothing is working as well or efficiently as it should. No one can teach this dog any new tricks. You might learn something. Of all the signs in the zodiac, your lack of ingenuity and creative problem solving abilities is truly astounding.
You speak your mind and know that it's through “tough love” that great things happen. You value constructive criticism and brutal honesty above all else, especially when you're the one constantly dolling it out, but not so much when the favor is returned.
No matter your age, your stunning lack of personality makes you the epitome of the grumpy old man screaming at the neighborhood kids to get off his lawn.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You are the ideal partner for the zodiac's more dominant signs. Your excessive vanity, inability to ever make up your mind and to be easily swayed by the opinions of those around you, make you an excellent trophy wife or doormat.
The Libra mantra is why bother having an actual thought or doing any hard work so long as you can get by with your good looks? All that thinking and being independent is hard! Libra's don't do well with anything that is emotionally challenging, unless it's their natural knack for passive aggressive behavior.
You actually have an amazing gift for playing other people. Most see you as indecisive and sort of gullible, but that's not always true. You are actually quite clever and able to show people exactly what they want to see in order to charm them into giving you your own way.
It's almost as if you aren't stupid at all and are actually very, very manipulative despite appearances to the contrary. Hmm how about that? Well played Libra, well played.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You are the most ruthless and despicable sign of the Zodiac for a reason. Seriously, no one has anything nice to say about Scorpios except you're sexy—and well that's because all the idiots from the other signs love the challenge of a “bad” boy or girl to tame who also happens to be kind of hot.
If you are unfortunate enough to be a heartless, vindictive Scorpio you've probably learned by now that your seductive nature is about the only positive thing you have going for you in the eyes of humanity. It's a good thing you take pleasure in the suffering of others or your existence would be utterly woeful.
Scorpios are by far the worst of the worst. Narcissism, jealousy, rage, blind ambition, and shrewd intellect with no compassion; you've got it all. It's like a smorgasbord of pure evil. No one is as manipulative, cunning, secretive or power hungry and nobody holds a grudge like you.
A scorpions competitive nature and need to be the leader of the pack make them formidable enemies. They will hunt you to the ends of the Earth and they never let go of a grudge. Even if you didn't do anything, if a Scorpio just doesn't like you you'll find yourself the target of their blind fury and they will delight in your destruction.
Scorpions often sneak up on their prey before stinging them and the people with this sign are no different. Even when they are smiling in your face, they are plotting your demise, unless they have a use for you, then you may be safe for awhile.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Your utter lack of tact and diplomacy should ensure that everyone hates you, but for whatever reason, you have a fiery, magnetic personality that draws people in. Like a moth to a flame that is.
You have a passion for brutal honesty and claim to be a believer in great truths. This unvarnished truth only applies to the often distorted visions of reality in your head however, and your love of brutal honesty only travels one direction—out of your own mouth.
Despite your amazing talent for being blunt, you have a stunning inability to accept even the most constructive criticism without it being viewed as a personal assault, which is really rather ironic.
As a Sagittarius, it is your tendency to overestimate pretty much everything about yourself. You never screw up because in the land of your own mind, you can't do anything wrong and someone else is always to blame.
It's a good thing you are such a unique, quirky person with a sense of adventure otherwise your tendency towards inconsistent, careless and impulsive behavior might be seen as just reckless or stupid. Actually, it still kind of is.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
You have the personality of a tree stump. Of all the signs, you are the most whiny and boring. You will always see the glass half-empty (or more), and nothing will convince you otherwise. You are the buzz kill at parties and you can suck the light out of the sunniest day.
You have never done anything spontaneous in your entire life and are quite confident that your unimaginative way of doing things is the right and proper way for everyone.
You are so preoccupied with yourself that you likely don't even notice how quickly people work to escape your presence. You are deeply in tune with your own rich emotional depths and can lament endlessly about anything, so long as it is about you.
You feel emotions with such passion one might think you should be an empathetic, caring soul, but that would be untrue. You have an astounding inability to empathize with others and only view their pain by comparing it to your own eternal suffering.
Some say you're shy—you're actually not, you're completely self-absorbed and anti-social. You aren't an introvert, you're an a**. Oh, nevermind. Suffice it to say, you have zero social skills and spend a lot of time alone because you are your own favorite person.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You are unpredictable, inconsistent, unyielding and stubborn. Your all or nothing attitude secures your spot as an extremist in whatever areas you obsess about in life. You are a control freak and probably a bit of a narcissist which enables you to turn your emotions on and off at will and as needed.
You feign good listening skills, but the truth is you have your mind made up and no amount of reasoning, facts, or other such inconveniences are going to get you to part with your own version of the truth. Wherever a passionate, illogical, irrational extremist is needed an Aquarius is there to heed the call.
You have never been on time to any event ever. If it was possible for anyone to actually be late to their own funeral; it would be you. You are unpredictable, detached and don't care if your tardiness impacts others in a negative way. The team members you work with hate you.
You do what you want when you want and laugh in the face of any semblance of order. The only time you don't do this is when others happen to be running late—at that point you get all cranky and moody and wonder how anyone could have the audacity to inconvenience you.
You are manipulative, moody, melodramatic and probably pretty much any other negative M word there is - or any other letter of the alphabet for that matter.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your idealism knows no bounds, which is probably why you spend most of your life escaping from reality rather than doing any actual work. You're the wounded idealist who is chronically demoralized and you have the ability to turn any molehill into a mountain larger than Everest.
Your perfectionism stops you before you ever really try. Everyone else's best could never be good enough for you because you are such a special snowflake.
You are very fussy and unreasonable to most people and others don't really like it when you seek to help them, since you are only doing it for selfish reasons.
You are not as altruistic as you would have people believe. Your need to be needed and recognized fuels your desire to help others. The motives of a Pisces are never pure and they often come with a price. Munchausen anyone?
Your over-sensitive and pessimistic nature, combined with your self-sabotaging perfectionism means you are destined for a life of mediocrity. You will never be truly successful at anything, because doing that would require you to get out of your own way—and that's just not in your nature.
So there you have it: the dark side of Astrology and the reasons why, no matter who you are, you are an awful human being, especially if you are a Scorpio like me.
Know any negative traits I missed? You're welcome to share them in the comments below—if you dare!
Do you recognize the dark humor in your sign?
© 2015 Christin Sander