Does it Still Matter?
Does it still matter to you I quit college when I was fresh out of high school?
You never would hear me, I wasn't ready, I was overwhelmed and lost.
You ridiculed me when I enlisted in the United States Marine Corps but why?
I had passion and drive and wanted to be a Marine at any and all cost.
When I was discharged for medical; and never actually my fault,
You told me you knew I would fail; waste of my time...I should see.
You weren’t there when I conquered my fear of heights; I climbed up a ladder to heaven?
Or slid down a rope called the "slide for life" as my pride soared to be what I wanted to be?
Where you there when I could break down a rifle, put it back together; faster than the men?
That fly on the wall must have been you; as SDI Hazen praised my leadership of my fire team.
Maybe it was you that was grading the Marine Corps knowledge tests that I took
Or watched as I climbed on the scale weighing more, yet was more muscular and lean.
No, I know where you were when I was proving I was the best of the best
You were back in California writing me letters, stating my sister; the one whoneeded you
So your chair at my Marine graduation would stay empty; which shocked a DI or two
They worried so much, that it would cause my failure; yet watched with even more pride.
When I got back home and I told you, I cried because I may have lost my dream
You dismissed me; it was flighty lie of a five year old's dream to be a United States Marine.
It was okay; my boyfriend also a Marine, he wanted to maybe get married
But than I was raped and got pregnant, and you called me a slut, whore, ”liar come clean.”
I was shocked when you pushed on me abortion, its not his fault it happened you know
So, you preached I live under your roof and thus have to abide by only your beliefs.
I refused to cave into your pressure, so you were adamant by five months to kick me out.
How it didn't bother you, pushing a 19 year old pregnant daughter, to live on any old street...
It boggles my mind that you even pushed me into a marriage because you wanted rid of me
Yet why is all of my choices so bad when they were never mine, forced by you...onto me.
I did think about adoption; but, we started a family after just seven months of dating
We almost didn't make it that first year; but, our son was no longer nonexistent, distant fade.
Nine years we were married; and all of a sudden you are proud of me once more
I had three children, went to college, and worked to support us because that’s what I do
I was silent when I noticed the cheating; you would just say I wasn't good enough in bed
It was my best friend who finally just told me and a new idea was in my mind created.
I wanted to walk out on my husband because I deserved to be loved and not shared
My best friend was there the whole time, and my feelings of love grew and blossomed for him.
However; I knew that if I left, you would again hate me and nothing I did would be right
So I made the biggest mistake and watched him walk far away from me, his shadow became dull light
I did file finally, that divorce I wanted for quite a few years, until he had sex with my best friend named Kim.
He left to go get me meds and came back without them but a hickey instead.
What's worse is she told me the details, of every minute he was inside of her
So I tried to call my best friend I lost and when his number didn't ring, he might as well have been dead.
So I kick my husband out, and I worked full time so I could be on my very own
My son was being looked at for Autism but you would yell that I was just a horrible mother
Let me tell you that she actually told me he cheated because I didn't give him enough in bed
In reality, he just didn't appreciate me because he was convinced I would stay and just smother.
So when he joined the Army instead and begged for us to follow him too, I said yes
I was in the end a military wife and I would never just up and leave him when he's in.
I knew he would go to Iraq and I wouldn't forgive myself if he didn't come back,
We moved to Texas that summer, I hated the Army right off, because everything seemed a sin.
I divorced him during a mental breakdown that was triggered by a misdiagnosis and meds
But instead of anyone helping me, they laughed and pushed me over the edge.
My husband did see it and he begged someone to help but his pain took over instead
I lay on our closet floor crying because I didn't know how to get back onto the ledge.
He signed the papers when he knew I was sick and he never tried getting me more help
But he watched and he gloated as I fell in with a man that abused me again and again.
I beggEd you...on the phone; while I was on my knees, I needEd you so desperately.
But the Elks were more important and a priority you had scheduled, its my failure to begin.
You didn't come when I begged; but yet taunted, there is something not right with me
Though the minute my sister is about to lose her house; you go rushing on to Your baby girl
Not so different as today, you turned your back when I had no where else to go
When I move in with dad, next thing I know you have bought my sister her third house, for sure.
I am no longer the favorite because I divorced your son in law you loved more than me
Did I mention then I got married again and I moved far away and tried to find my old life
But he was also abusive and got violent, walking out and leaving me in a bind
Never did you offer to come see me; its never your damn money, its my pain and strife.
Now I am back in college; but your husband still won't talk to me; I am on food stamps
Its his taxes that are paying for me, in his mind yet what about those taxes I paid along the line.
I don't have my friends, I lost out love with my best friend, my son hates his father and my step dad hates me
So apparently all four of my kids were mistakes and I shouldn't have gone back to college you say now.
My job is to never be good enough; because all you see is everything I mess up
Yet, have you seen what all I have done right and the things that I have become known for?
You don't care I was an advocate; I gave them information for Autism services for free
Or that I fought for my second husband's diagnosis and meds to be enforced when he got violent with PTSD.
You don't see that I was the only one that fought for my son that is Autistic you see
Oh, wait, no you wouldn't try you just said I was trying to find an easy fix and someone else to blame.
What about my teenager who you all made feel doesn't mean anything at all but to me
Oh wait that is what his godfather is for and believe and trust in me, that kid is his life just the same.
You tried talking me out of adding an Art minor; because its worthless out there you say
But could it be because my sister is jealous; that she isn't the only one with talent or an artist?
Maybe its you that isn't happy, and won't support something you could never do
Because to minor you would need to go to college, and frankly there isn't a contest.
You can keep passing judgement and my sister can keep passing on hate and pain
But I am done trying to please you and don't care if I talk to that vengeful woman
The thing I will do for damn certain, is always keep my best friend Marine in my life
He is always the one that I will love and cherish, because I was far from that demon.
I wish he would hold me and never let go because he is who I feel safe with
He was the only one who doesn't look at me and list all the failures I achieved,
But states Marines shouldn't be woman than brags except for just the one
He smiles at me and I know and feel the love, who cares what else they perceived.
This content reflects the personal opinions of the author. It is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and should not be substituted for impartial fact or advice in legal, political, or personal matters.
© 2012 Abigayle Rourk