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NewsSonnet, Tuesday June 5, 2007

Updated on March 20, 2011

NewsSonnet Is Currently Weekly, But Could Be Daily If You Want It

Twas the end of May and the dawn of June,

Thousand G8 haters felled by police hail,

Putin threatened to nuke Europe's towns soon,

But the real news was: Paris is in jail!

The poles were melting fast, polar bears swam,

Nessie returned, dark, lurking and scary,

Yet there was one thing the world gave a damn:

Could Hilton live without her Blackberry?

Mike Vick proclaimed tender love for his mutts,

NFL's Goodall suspended The Tank,

But nobody cared about football nuts,

The eyes of the world were on one rich skank.

The Royal Empress of Moneyed White Trash,

The Princess of Anorexic Glamour,

Proved that all the Hilton power and cash,

Can't stop her turning tricks in the slammer.

She can't spell "suspended" or knows the meaning,

Showed up in court and couldn't look cuter,

The court's sentence was truly demeaning,

To take a jail ride on Libby's Scooter!

We've all seen Paris bobbing on a stiff,

But her vids and lack of undies' just moot,

The truly critical question is if,

She wears a designer orange jumpsuit?

Since drive-by shootings occur every day,

Our playgrounds awash with strawberry meth,

Paris has to ask why she's locked away,

When they just released Good Ol' Doctor Death!

Is she rich and dumb as Bill Jefferson?

After all, she's just a blonde c***teaser,

She might have more brains than the Congressman,

Who kept all his cash bribes in the freezer!

The freezer's a place to avoid because,

America's ever-expanding waist,

Is caused by constant stuffing of the jaws,

Just don't brush your teeth with Chinese toothpaste!

Tonya Bell forgot her Volvo brakes halt,

Sped into a D.C. crowd with a whack,

But she exclaimed that it wasn't her fault,

'Cuz her boss Mayor Barry gave her crack!

Four guys tried to blow up JFK's gates,

To earn themselves virgins in Nirvana,

I know that we've pissed off the Arab States,

But what have we ever done to Guyana?

Ducks were up on the Cup three games to one,

But NBC's viewers weren't too impressed,

"On The Lot" was more watched, though it was shun,

By all but six braindeads in the Midwest.

The best British import since 1812,

Saved Fox TV as he'd done twice before,

We can't stop watching the Kitchen from Hell,

Ramsay's F-words keep us begging for more!

A bunch of has-beens debated with flair,

Jostling to get into the great White House,

Obama spoke well, Edwards styled his hair,

Though it was clear the next Prez wears a blouse.

Al Gore won't run as he's saving the world,

We'll all boil or drown within a few years,

Armageddon is nigh, blasphemy hurled,

For we googled: "pantyless Britney Spears".

I pray the coming global disaster,

Doesn't pre-empt the next "Pirate Master".

This is the very first NewsSonnet. It is currently scheduled to be a weekly parody of world news in iambic pentameter in a strict extended English sonnet scheme. However, NewsSonnet can become a daily feature if there is enough positive feedback. I'm looking forward to what you think of this "topical poetic lunacy."

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    • livelonger profile image

      Jason Menayan 9 years ago from San Francisco

      I have to say your NewsSonnet is great

      I also saw the candidates' performance on YouTube

      A bit more grandstanding and pomp than true debate

      But their collective intelligence makes Bush look like a boob.

    • Guru-C profile image

      Cory Zacharia 9 years ago

      Impressive

    • Kika Rose profile image

      Kika Rose 8 years ago from Minnesota

      Ah man. That brings back memories. :')

      It was amusing and cute, but I can kind of see why you didn't get much traffic; no one really looks for news sonnets. :-P Your knack for rhyme is pretty good, though your rhythm could've been better. I liked it nonetheless. But again, not many people are into sonnets (me especially; I hate writing them!) so it's not a big surprise the traffic wasn't high.

      Still: it's cute, it's funny, it's witty, and it made me lawl yet again!

    • Hal Licino profile image
      Author

      Hal Licino 8 years ago from Toronto

      HEY! I was born a CATHOLIC! We INVENTED the Rhythm Method! :)

      Thanks for the kudos. I had high hopes for it, but it turned out that it's just not Googleable. I wonder if there is some lonely blogger out there who has the cure for cancer or the exact date of the Apocalypse and because he can't get the bots to his site, no one will know (until it's too late in the latter case!) :)

    • Kika Rose profile image

      Kika Rose 8 years ago from Minnesota

      AHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your poor, poor childhood! I got lucky and was born Lutheran. :-P

      I can see why. Googlebots just don't like worthy reading sites. They like sites that can make a ton of money for them. Which stinks, because I happen to like worthy reading sites. :(

    • Hal Licino profile image
      Author

      Hal Licino 8 years ago from Toronto

      Wouldn't it be great if there was a Worthoogle. It would only index QUALITY sites with UNIQUE information and ban ANYTHING that was commercially related in any way, shape or form... Hmm... I think I have a Business Plan I need to write! Do you know any Silicon Valley Venture Capitalists, Kika? Heck, Maybe I should ask Paul Edmonson! :)

    • Kika Rose profile image

      Kika Rose 8 years ago from Minnesota

      Do I know any what?? o_O Is that a real place? Or did you just make that up to confuse li'l o'le me? :-P

      No, I don't know any Silicon Valley Venture Capitalists. I don't even entirely know what that's supposed to mean. But I will gladly help you with that Worthoogle plan! xD

    • Hal Licino profile image
      Author

      Hal Licino 8 years ago from Toronto

      Silicon Valley is the moniker given to the area around San Jose, CA as it is the center of the computing universe. Most of the major PC players have their HQ there. The more I think of it, the better I like Worthoogle, but the only prob is the name. I think we'd get MEGASUED. :)

    • Kika Rose profile image

      Kika Rose 8 years ago from Minnesota

      Pfft, they can't sue us! What would they try for, name copyright infringement? Worthoogle may look like Google, but it ain't, so there! :-P

      And that would be my argument. 'nuff said.

      I'm glad I'm moving to Chula Vista and not San Jose. I'd get lost in the computer jargon!

    • Hal Licino profile image
      Author

      Hal Licino 8 years ago from Toronto

      Chula Vista... my ol' stompin' grounds. Woke up many a morning on Imperial Beach wondering what the heck had happened the night before! :)

      Google has a history of suing anyone who comes within a few miles of their intellectual property, and given the fact that they have so many bux they keep their lawyers coming at you in waves, it's not a great idea to cheese them off! :(

    • Kika Rose profile image

      Kika Rose 8 years ago from Minnesota

      Really? Sweetness. I'm trying to convince my boyfriend on an apartment that's fully furnished, all utilities paid, and in a good neighborhood for less than $800 a month, but he's all "No, we can't get one that's fully furnished, because we won't be able to have our own style."

      Who cares about style when it saves you thousands of dollars?

      But no. Ky won't listen to me. Of course not. What do I know? I just did the math on almost every home necessity (that I could find at Target the one day I was there and bored out of my mind), and even though my list's not complete, it's well over $3,000.

      Boys are stupid. *nods sagely*

      Google needs to lighten up a little. Heck, maybe we could cut a deal with them so they won't whine so much about Worthoogle? :-P

    • Hal Licino profile image
      Author

      Hal Licino 8 years ago from Toronto

      I have a friend (no... don't be surprised... even I have friends...) who just moved into a 2 bed rented apartment and spent $20K on decorating it. A few thou just for wallpaper and carpet. In a RENTED apt.! Makes no sense at all!

      Yes, I know... I just had to do it... I just published https://hubpages.com/technology/Worthoogle-The-Ant... but I DID CREDIT YOU, so don't sue me for stealing your intellectual property! :)

    • Kika Rose profile image

      Kika Rose 8 years ago from Minnesota

      I just saw that! I'd logged off to grab some delectables from the freezer and get me some Maury entertainment for the day, then I come back and the first thing I see: Worthoogle! lmao

    • Hal Licino profile image
      Author

      Hal Licino 8 years ago from Toronto

      If you'd been around as much as I have, you wouldn't ever watch Maury. I wake up in a cold sweat just thinking about "you ARE the father!" Every time I go into a different town, I look around for short, fat kids with hornrimmed glasses to see if they yell DADDY! :)

    • Kika Rose profile image

      Kika Rose 8 years ago from Minnesota

      Yeah, but I like it when the girls sit there and yell "I'M A MILLION PERCENT SURE HE'S DA FADA UV MAH BABY!" and then it says he's not, and they run screaming and crying off the stage going "OH MAH GAWD HOW CUD HE NOT BE DA FADA?! I ONLY SLEPT WIT HIM!" like immaculate conception's a reality.

      The other topics are fun, too, though. Especially when they do lie detector tests. ;-D

    • Hal Licino profile image
      Author

      Hal Licino 8 years ago from Toronto

      I wonder how many of the Maury Morons know about the tack in the shoe trick to screw up the polygraph's baseline. Actually, most of them look like they couldn't even spell it... Shoe that is. :)

    • Kika Rose profile image

      Kika Rose 8 years ago from Minnesota

      Ooh, tack in the shoe trick? Never heard of that. I just like giggling for an hour before Tyra comes on so I can watch something interesting. Like today it was about fat-exploitation, and I was like "Ooh, now I don't feel so bad about being fat; there are girls five times my size with much more promiscuity than I could ever muster!" lol

      I usually don't watch any of this stuff, though, since my two jobs give me about 1-3 hours where I can actually sit down at watch TV before I go to the next job. But I have the whoooooole weekend off. Time to waste some brain cells! :D

    • Hal Licino profile image
      Author

      Hal Licino 8 years ago from Toronto

      Yeah, you just step on the tack while the polygraph expert is establishing your baseline and then your galvanic response doesn't register as strongly. My personal preferences for female company transcend body type and age. I just want them to be able to fog a mirror. :)

    • Kika Rose profile image

      Kika Rose 8 years ago from Minnesota

      Lawl, ur dirty. ;-P

      Meh, I seem to be attracted to tall, skinny bad-boy types. Y'know, the ones that are all rough around the edges, but big teddy bears on the inside. Like a jawbreaker left on the sidewalk on a hot day. lol Anywho, I have to get going. I've got a birthday party to set up and a headache to get rid of.

      Did I mention Navy boys make me drool? ^_^ Because they have got to be the hottest uniformed men out there. Fo shizzle. :-P

    • Hal Licino profile image
      Author

      Hal Licino 8 years ago from Toronto

      Tall, skinny, Navy biceps... you've just described ME! I looked exactly like that... in my dream last night! :)

    • Kika Rose profile image

      Kika Rose 8 years ago from Minnesota

      Aha, you made my friend Nina lawl. :-P

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