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NewsSonnet, Tuesday June 5, 2007
NewsSonnet Is Currently Weekly, But Could Be Daily If You Want It
Twas the end of May and the dawn of June,
Thousand G8 haters felled by police hail,
Putin threatened to nuke Europe's towns soon,
But the real news was: Paris is in jail!
The poles were melting fast, polar bears swam,
Nessie returned, dark, lurking and scary,
Yet there was one thing the world gave a damn:
Could Hilton live without her Blackberry?
Mike Vick proclaimed tender love for his mutts,
NFL's Goodall suspended The Tank,
But nobody cared about football nuts,
The eyes of the world were on one rich skank.
The Royal Empress of Moneyed White Trash,
The Princess of Anorexic Glamour,
Proved that all the Hilton power and cash,
Can't stop her turning tricks in the slammer.
She can't spell "suspended" or knows the meaning,
Showed up in court and couldn't look cuter,
The court's sentence was truly demeaning,
To take a jail ride on Libby's Scooter!
We've all seen Paris bobbing on a stiff,
But her vids and lack of undies' just moot,
The truly critical question is if,
She wears a designer orange jumpsuit?
Since drive-by shootings occur every day,
Our playgrounds awash with strawberry meth,
Paris has to ask why she's locked away,
When they just released Good Ol' Doctor Death!
Is she rich and dumb as Bill Jefferson?
After all, she's just a blonde c***teaser,
She might have more brains than the Congressman,
Who kept all his cash bribes in the freezer!
The freezer's a place to avoid because,
America's ever-expanding waist,
Is caused by constant stuffing of the jaws,
Just don't brush your teeth with Chinese toothpaste!
Tonya Bell forgot her Volvo brakes halt,
Sped into a D.C. crowd with a whack,
But she exclaimed that it wasn't her fault,
'Cuz her boss Mayor Barry gave her crack!
Four guys tried to blow up JFK's gates,
To earn themselves virgins in Nirvana,
I know that we've pissed off the Arab States,
But what have we ever done to Guyana?
Ducks were up on the Cup three games to one,
But NBC's viewers weren't too impressed,
"On The Lot" was more watched, though it was shun,
By all but six braindeads in the Midwest.
The best British import since 1812,
Saved Fox TV as he'd done twice before,
We can't stop watching the Kitchen from Hell,
Ramsay's F-words keep us begging for more!
A bunch of has-beens debated with flair,
Jostling to get into the great White House,
Obama spoke well, Edwards styled his hair,
Though it was clear the next Prez wears a blouse.
Al Gore won't run as he's saving the world,
We'll all boil or drown within a few years,
Armageddon is nigh, blasphemy hurled,
For we googled: "pantyless Britney Spears".
I pray the coming global disaster,
Doesn't pre-empt the next "Pirate Master".