My day today
How can the world keep evolving, keep turning when there is no love in it anymore? Seems that people just use one another for what they want or need. No one ever thinks about the consequences of their actions anymore, seems as though our lives are meek, nothing but wasted space.
He changed his relationship status on facebook today without even saying anything to me before hand. Although I had felt relief in the changed status, I also felt heartache and sadness. Sadness in thinking that perhaps I am not good enough for anyone, that I will never find that unconditional love that I so desire. I was relieved because I had thought about ending it but did not want to hurt him. He has been going through a tough time in his life and I did not want to add to it.
My problem is that I care too much about others. I think about their feelings even though most do not think about mine. I have been trampled on so many times by others. My heart feels nothing but pain and sadness. Yes, I am too caring and I need to change that. I need to become a cold, heartless bitch.
What is so bad is that I was happy, in the beginning. I had noticed things changed though. Words that were being said weren’t being said anymore. Love wasn’t forthcoming anymore. Caring was still there though.
Today had already started off bad. I wake up with a status update from facebook that came to my phone. It was my brothers’ girlfriends’ status stating that my baby was having tubes put in his ears. No one ever tells me anything. It’s like I don’t exist or something. I guess the relationship ending couldn’t have come at a worse time considering.
I feel so depressed right now. At times, I think putting a bullet in my head would benefit everyone. I just don’t have the courage to do it. It seems that nothing I do is enough or good enough. It’s been that way my whole life. Perhaps I am too good for the world. Perhaps I am a saint in a world filled with evil.
I don’t like being in the darkness constantly. I need light. I cannot handle anymore heartache or sadness. I have dealt with more than I should have. I am young still. I have more wisdom then some my age. I should not. I give advice to everyone who needs it. I am always there for others when they need me but when I need someone, no one is there.
Perhaps I should have been bold and just changed the relationship status myself without even telling him. That would have been cruel and that is how I feel about him doing it like that. It was cruel. He should have mentioned it before he did it. I am a very understanding person. If you speak, I do listen and when necessary I put in my two cents. Life just sucks right now.