ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel
  • »
  • Books, Literature, and Writing»
  • Commercial & Creative Writing»
  • Creative Writing»
  • Humor Writing

Noah's Ark if Built Today

Updated on August 24, 2012

Recently the Lord came to Noah, now living in the United States, and sternly stated "Once again, humanity has become exceedingly wicked! Although I promised I would never again destroy the world with a flood, I am left with no other choice. Therefore, you will have to build another ark following the same set of instructions as before.” Giving Noah another set of blueprints, he said "You have six months to complete the ark before I will once again send a deluge of rain for 40 days and 40 nights to destroy the world."

Six months later, the Lord looked down to see how much progress had been made on the ark, but there wasn’t one to be seen. Instead he saw Noah weeping. Confused about the circumstances, the Lord asked “Where is the ark? The rain is about to start, can’t you see the storm clouds forming?”

"Forgive me, Lord," Noah, begged, "But I’ve run into problems at every turn. First, I was informed I needed a building permit. Then the zoning board said I had to install a sprinkler system and was also in violation of community by laws by building it in my back yard."

"After that, the EPA ruled the ark couldn’t be built until an environmental impact study was conducted on the proposed flood."

"Then I went broke when I received a humungous bill from the electric company for costs that would be incurred for moving power lines and clearing other obstructions to move the ark to the sea. They laughed when I told them about the coming flood and it wouldn’t be necessary to move anything.

“And when I started gathering the animals, every animal rights group in the country took me to court insisting that putting so many animals in such a limited space was cruel and inhumane treatment. The Human Rights Commission has also been on my case demanding to know how many minorities there were on my building crew or if there were any illegal aliens.

If that wasn’t enough, the unions say I have to hire only trained, certified Union ark builders. Then I was arrested on charges I was planning to leave the country illegally with endangered species and authorities had the ark confiscated and dismanteled. So, please forgive me, Lord. That’s why there’s no ark.”

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a beautiful rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in amazement and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No, it’s not necessary,” the Lord said. “The Government beat me to it."


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • aviannovice profile image

      Deb Hirt 5 years ago from Stillwater, OK

      The funny thing is, that the government seems to have a negative handle on things many times. I consider this a parody more than anything. Beautifully done!

    • eHealer profile image

      Deborah 5 years ago from Las Vegas

      Very interesting take on Noah's ark, the sad thing is your probably right (more probable than possibly). With the economy in crisis, many self generating corportations (police, county taxes, etc.) are trying to soak the community(Us) for all they can get to stay afloat. Speed traps, zoning fines, and a host of other agencies are making everything worse. Thanks Jay, good job and voted up!

    • Faithful Daughter profile image

      Evi Lopez 5 years ago from Sunny Florida

      I can see this happening today. Very funny.