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Unofficial North Korea Tourism Guide. Review of Camping Opportunities for Any Traveler. (Satire)

Updated on July 2, 2014

How can you expect to be a good weather forecaster if you're missing your lapel pin?

An irate leader of North Korea explains how to predict the weather to the staff blamed for surprising new revelations of famine in the country.
An irate leader of North Korea explains how to predict the weather to the staff blamed for surprising new revelations of famine in the country. | Source

Tourism to North Korea Invites 1940's-style European Adventure!

Perhaps there is a better slogan for the North Korean travel posters, but I can't think of one. Maybe they could convey that North Korea will now have superior weather forecasts now that Kim Jong Un has personally visited the official weather predictors to bless them with his unique knowledge regarding meteorology.

He is no longer giving them a pass, because he's recently been informed that some people in the country are not getting enough food.

Now it goes without saying that the only reason for that minor problem of hunger is poor weather forecasts. Farmers rely on precise predictions, and their accuracy must be improved.

It took a red-faced, frustrated, dear Leader to offer field advice to the floundering, diminutive, scrawny officials. They simply lack discipline, the answer to just about all the problems in North Korea. Failure means more hunger in North Korea.

After all, Kim Jong Un has now done everything he could short of predicting the weather himself, which he could do with 100% accuracy. But he's too busy for that. He'll have to use stronger discipline. He won't let their insolence cause famine, that would be unacceptable.

North Korea Welcomes Dennis Rodman and other Drooling American Mad Cows like you!

You needn't speak Korean to understand the language of love. Book your visit today!
You needn't speak Korean to understand the language of love. Book your visit today! | Source

A Diplomatic Adventure Like No Other

Where else can you go on vacation with the sense of adventure that comes from knowing you could either become a Ruler's friend or prisoner for any strange reason? It's like skydiving over the Whitehouse, you could be shot to pieces or land in the Rose Garden to share a beer with the President. You get a chance to worship the Country's Leader and his "immortal" fathers. Watch as they set tables for hundreds of imaginary guests while starving people remain hidden from view. See a cultural display with 10,000 performers moving in synchronicity because they'd rather not do anything else than please their Dearest Deary Leader. Enjoy the most accurate weather forecasts in the world to plan your vacation perfectly. Wait, no, all the planning will be done for you by your handlers, who will follow your every move during your visit, even while you sleep!

Why Waste Time Planning a Vacation? In North Korea Officials Make Plans For You! Secret Free Campsites Revealed! For Light Travelers on an Extreme Budget.

A
VIP Access Special Mission and Spa (Private Treatment Guaranteed!):
Kaechon Concentration Camp No. 1, South Pyongan, North Korea

get directions

Journalist, Agent, or on a Mission? No everyday traveler? NK recognizes "You catch on." Expect the UN-expected free upgrade for private VIP treatment!

B
Book Change Lifetime Learning Camp:
Bukchang Concentration Camp, South Pyongan, North Korea

get directions

Seek educational opportunities? The intellectually curious know how a book can change your life. Camp Bukchang offers 16 hours of political ed. daily!

C
She Young Animal Camp (formerly Her Yong Animal Camp) North Korea:
Hoeryong Concentration Camp, North Hamgyong, North Korea

get directions

Love animals? Tired of the zoo? Go camping where staff provides an experience being an animal yourself! Sorry guys-ladies only. Hoer-yong Animal Camp!

D
Yodok Camp for the Attention-Deficit Disorderlies, North Korea:
Yodok Concentration Camp, South Hamgyong, North Korea

get directions

If you suffer from ADD while visiting, officials observing you will send you to a camp where you learn to concentrate, because "Yo dok too much".

E
Prison Camp, North Korea:
Sariwon Prison, Sariwŏn, North Hwanghae Province, North Korea

get directions

Inspired by reality TV shows such as Survivor and Scared Straight, NK offers a surprise stop at a camping experience so intense, you'll never leave!

F
Prison Cells, North Korea:
Prison Cells, North Korea

get directions

Worried about cellular service? Relax! Officials in North Korea have been listening and they heard you! Check out these cells available now!

G
Guard Towers, North Korea:
Guard Towers, South Pyongan, North Korea

get directions

Security is the Dear Leader's top personal priority. Guards are more important than ever! NK is also an industry leader in "cell tower" construction.

H
Labor Camp, North Korea:
Chongjin Gulag, Chongjin, North Hamgyong, North Korea

get directions

For those love hard work so much they could just die, try camping! NK has the perfect place for you! Hard Labor is the daily fare all day, every day!

I
Pyongyang Airport, Where Some Arrive Tense, but Everyone Departs Relieved!:
Pyongyang Sunan International Airport (FNJ), Pyongyang, North Korea

get directions

Pyongyang, where govt. staff anticipate needs by attending to you 24/7. Officials act on your behalf so relax! It's all taken care of for you in NK!

Disciplined Displays of Genuine Adoration

Be part of a cadre of a hundred spectators to watch 10,000 happy free citizens display their voluntary free-will tribute to the Leaders they adore.
Be part of a cadre of a hundred spectators to watch 10,000 happy free citizens display their voluntary free-will tribute to the Leaders they adore. | Source

Now Seriously. Gotta Keep Trying for Peace and Love.

© 2014 Doug DeWalt

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