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Not Tonight

Updated on May 3, 2010


Head swimming so fast, too fast. I’m dizzy, disoriented.

Thick, heated blood rushes to my pounding temples.

Tears threaten to break the threshold of my lower lashes.

Desperately I look up into the blinding white light.

No tears, not tonight, not now.

They cannot know.

I must force that smile, for him, for them.

For me.

Those bruises must not be seen.

It can wait until tonight.

He will not come to bed right away anyway.

While he comes up I can lay down and have a reprieve.

It will not last, but I will take it just the same.

There will be enough to time to let the tears flow before he comes in.

Dinner is over.

They never guessed.

Tonight was a success.

Relief is a wonderful feeling.

The kids are tucked in.

His friends are over and they are taking care of him.

I close the bedroom door, get into my pajamas and curl up in bed.

Silently I let the tears flow and flow until my red eyes are dry.

Then I drift off.

Oh no, the door opened.

I look at the clock, it is four in the morning.

I close my eyes again and feign sleep.

I ignore the whispered questions.

It does not matter.

Those are not my husband‘s hands.

I start to struggle, the door comes open again.

He asks if there is a problem.

I know that tone.

I simply say please. He knows what I am asking.

I do not get a reprieve.

I am glad the darkness hides my shame.

This man on top of me pays me no never mind and finishes with a forceful grunt.

He gets up, has the nerve to whisper ‘thank you’ in my ear and heads to bathroom.

As he leaves he tells my husband I was worth it and he’d do it again.

The rest of the guys laugh and the door shuts.

I hear no more.

I can’t hear past my own sobbing now anyway.

I get cleaned up and go back to bed.

My head is spinning fast, too fast.

Thick, hot blood pounding. Rage building.

How did it come to this?


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    • Chaotic Chica profile image

      Chaotic Chica 7 years ago

      Yes, people can be cruel. The upside is that people can also be strong. There are no more need for tears-though I would be lying if I said I never shed anymore. Every once in a while the past comes back to depress me but each time it gets easier to bounce back. Talking about it helps, too. Thank you for taking the time to comment.

    • BeccaHubbardWoods profile image

      Becca Hubbard-Woods 7 years ago from Outside your window.

      tears welled up as i read this. it saddens me that anyone has to go through such a horrible ordeal. people can be so cruel. my

    • Chaotic Chica profile image

      Chaotic Chica 7 years ago

      Springboard~Not anymore, not for me. I am glad you found it to be poignant. What terrfies me is that there are other woman who not only have (had) it worse than me, but they are still with those men. My writing is not meant to elicit sympathy for me, but to raise awareness of what so many do not see. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment.

    • Springboard profile image

      Springboard 7 years ago from Wisconsin

      Poignant and terrifying.

    • Chaotic Chica profile image

      Chaotic Chica 7 years ago

      Ange~I'm sorry about the no disclaimer thing..I promise to remember it in the future! I know what you mean about repeating the cycle. My mother did and I believe that is why I was so hesitant to get into another relationship. It's been hard to accept his respect at times as I didn't feel I deserve it, and sometimes I still don't feel worthy, but I'm learning. I, too am a work in progress but I'm sure glad to have such a great teacher in my husband.

      Freya~Thanks for stopping by, I'll swing by your 'place' in a minute. I did eventually send him to jail but his parents bailed him out and 'somehow' there's no record of it anymore. As upset as I was (am really), Karma has a way of setting things straight in it's own time and I'm not worried about it anymore. The hurt is still there sometimes but not like it was. Now there's a whole lotta lovin' goin' on and even more joy. Good things have come into my life since I set it straight by leaving.

    • Freya Cesare profile image

      Freya Cesare 7 years ago from Borneo Island, Indonesia

      WHAT? DID YOU SENT HIM INTO JAIL? He deserve hell here on earth and here after. I'm glad you already free.

      BTW, nice to meet you.

    • Ange Stroup profile image

      Ange Stroup 7 years ago from Texas

      Phew!! I knew you had said so but being such new friends and all I was seriously concerned. A disclaimer may be a good idea in the future. WOW!!

      You are a brilliant writer but I was horror stricken that you were in such a position. You are right that there are women that feel stuck in situations just like the one you described. Going further...there are those who feel powerless to do anything about it. It goes even further than that as I know you know and there are those who once find themselves out of those types of situations...jump right back into them with someone else. It is such a vicious circle and it will not end until we do as you and I did and STOP being Victims. I think to some extent I am still very much in the healing stage. I have my knight in shining armour as well but have until around the beginning of March been hell bent on destroting it, and myself in the process. Ever a work in progress and ever a loving friend. Ange.

    • Chaotic Chica profile image

      Chaotic Chica 7 years ago

      Thank you all so, so much for your concern!

      Paradise~ there are women who suffer even more than that but I did get out.

      Ange~This is thankfully several years into the past. I am a survivor, not a victim, not anymore! Thank you for your prayers, though. I've got a fantastic knight in shining armour now!

      Carolina~I do so appreciate it when you stop by. Thank you for your kind comment.

    • carolina muscle profile image

      carolina muscle 7 years ago from Charlotte, North Carolina

      This is heart-rending.

    • Ange Stroup profile image

      Ange Stroup 7 years ago from Texas

      Please Please tell me this is NOT current my friend. You are way too strong for this to be current...or real...You are NOT a flippen victim...I AM NOT A VICTIM!!! Screw that! I am seriously praying for way...Be Lifted!! HUG

    • Paradise7 profile image

      Paradise7 7 years ago from Upstate New York

      OMG!!!!! This sounds like the most abusive relationship, ever!!!! If you're really in it, break out. Do whatever it takes!!!!