The trip to where I was born, and then on to a dear friend's house, were all to the area that built me, and helped me start healing.
The Journey to my own acceptance
This last week during Spring Break, I took my daughter and her best friend to visit family and close friends that are as close as family, well, actually I consider them family. Over the last few months I’ve had several disappointments.
I felt so loved and safe this past week, more than I have since I was a little girl. I was able to get some clarity, and find a peace that hasn’t existed in a long time. I’ve mentioned in previous hubs that I had to forgive me for allowing a situation to happen, and over this last week by being around family, I came to the full realization that I don’t have to forgive myself to move on.
For a while now, I have found it so very difficult to forgive myself, and I could not understand why. While on my travels over the last week to visit family and friends, I concluded that by being true to myself, I don’t have to forgive myself, because I was doing something for someone I thought was my friend. This person was someone who I considered family, and in my world, you do almost anything for family, when they need assistance in some way. Throughout, I was true to myself, and who I am as a person, so why would I need to forgive myself for being who I am? Why would I need to forgive myself when I was true to myself? That is not something we always do. I have forgiven the person who wasn’t who they seemed to be, because they were only being true to their own character. So how can I fault them?
I know all that happened was for a reason. It was to show me who was a real friend, and who was just a “fair weather” friend. True colors were shown to me so brightly, that there aren’t any doubts. The hues were brilliantly exposed. I was shown the true colors, not only someone who I no longer see as a friend, but the colors of two others who I now know are true friends. When it is said that someone showed their true colors, it’s not only meant for those people whose intentions are less than honorable, but also for those whose intentions are honorable.
There was a lot of drama for a while, but there is none of now. I am not allowing it to happen. I have learned how to squash it when it comes up, and I have learned to not allow someone in my life who is going to judge me, my actions, and how I live my life. I have learned that if someone can’t accept all of me, both at my best and at my worst, then I don’t need them in my life. I know I am a very good person, with a big heart, and I will make mistakes, I will acknowledge the mistakes and I will apologize. I have been made stronger by both the good and the bad that has taken place over the last year.
The below poem I wrote just before the visiting of family took place, and the idea that I didn't need to forgive myself, because I was just being myself. I know now that the Creator wanted me to learn the lesson that if we are being true to ourselves and are doing the right thing by someone other than ourselves, then there will be a blessing and we don’t necessarily have to forgive ourselves. In the midst of the situation, the Creator also provided me a reminder that you cannot build lasting happiness with someone else by causing another pain, because it will come back on you eventually. The hurt I caused because of another, I do have to forgive myself for, and I have apologized for not listening to the warnings that were given, and I have been forgiven. The bonds of those that are real friends, have been made stronger, and I really know I am blessed by having wonderful people in my life that really care about me, even when I’m not being the best person I can be.
Staying True to Self
Collected as a trophy was I.
Words to malign presented to others regarding me,
To my visage, words of kindness poured forth,
At the most opportune of times,
When loss of habitat seemed on the horizon.
Still I believed, that friendship was there.
The beautiful lies were so convincing.
When needed, I was always available,
Reciprocal accommodation was not presented.
My eyes slowly opened over time.
Words and actions not in syncronization,
Those around, who were true to me saw,
The careful manipulation taking place,
Countless warnings I did not heed,
Benefit of the doubt I gave,
Due to history, benevolence was prompted.
Countless musings over all actions,
Not only mine, but the other as well,
Thought I needed to forgive myself,
Nothing could I find in my own deeds,
that were transgressing against myself,
Because of who I am, assisting a friend
who was thought to be in need,
is in the very core of who I am.
Forgiving is now complete.
Holding a grudge against someone's true nature,
I can't find it in my heart to continue to do.
Staying true to myself is my only transgression.
I took back what was stolen maliciously.
I am finally free of many things,
I breathe a contented sigh as I realize,
I am one of the few who has escaped,
with my dignity and self worth re-affirmed.