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Not in my vocabulary

Updated on January 4, 2016
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I wrote these during some dark times. Putting a voice to some pain, that my family would never agree with me doing. BUT I DO IT ANYWAY!!

Repeat. STOP!!

Sometimes I hear the same vocabulary from new people that I've met, that remind me of the old people that just disrupted my life and pushed me away. A vocabulary that I wish not to hear. It just scares me away, or I say absolutely nothing to that new person. How many times does anyone think I will run into this? I hate the idea of being rude, but after estrangement from family, and living my years of marriage on my ex-husband's terms; It is time to live on my own terms now. If people do not understand the way I want to live my life, than we are at a stand still, and I'm not making the same mistakes that I did before. This is the year 2016. Women have the right to vote. Women make their own choices everyday. I want to make my own choices, and not have another man make them for me. If women say no to getting married that is their choice. I say, "more power to them."

I do not want the same kind of people in my life that I had before. I look at the past, and I know a few people in my life now, that act like those people that I used to know. I push myself to spend less and less time with them. In past life, I was weak. I don't want to be weak anymore. I want to surround myself with people with strength. I have not found many. Right now, my dog will be enough. Animals are so worth it.

I will no longer be one of those people that wear their hearts on their sleeves. (Except with the pet population.) I will not respond to anything a new friend says, if it sounds like anything an old friend has said (and if I do, it will have the word de ja vu in the sentence). New friends will have to make up their own language, and stay away from the old adages that you may feel deserves repeating, but I feel they do not.

Even if the new people say they are like no other person from my past. I have not come up with anything proving that you are not like so and so. Until that is made right, stop saying things that make me remember those that do not deserve remembering. Those people that were always more quantity than quality. Now, they are just another number. Just as I am a number.

I am okay with that. I am okay with developing a unique relationship that does not have to deal with mushy, romance and flowers. Because I am so beyond that stage of my life. That is just not where I am anymore. I will not have the kind of love for a person where you experience butterflies in the stomach. For me, that does not exist. Fairy tales no longer exist!! I feel really stupid thinking they ever did. Fairy tales are for those 18 to 22 year olds that are just starting to believe they can have a life. But will they? Things can remain hidden for years.

In conclusion

If you want something new in life, you might have to consider lightening the load so certain people do not hold you back. Let's face it, I don't have the right attitude for all relationships, just like some do not have the right attitude for a relationship with me. However, I NEED my attitude. I need my attitude to tell myself when certain things do not matter, so I do not end up in the hospital with an epileptic seizure. I need my attitude to keep my stress levels down. It might not be the way that you do things. However, it does not mean that it does not work for me. (I have jinxed myself. I have now worked 8 1/2 months before having another epileptic episode. Thankfully it did not end me in the hospital, but I had to be picked up, throw it up, and sleep it off. That's all one can do. There is no cure. There probably won't be one in my life time.) Most times, my attitude gets me where I need to be, and I like that just fine.


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