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The best Chuck Norris Jokes EVER

Updated on January 13, 2011

Intro

Okay, I love Chuck Norris. I am pretty sure we all do! His jokes are timeless just like his roundhouse kick. I know most of us know pretty  much all of his jokes, I think there may be at least one or two that are slightly new. Even if you know every Chuck Norris joke ever created please let me bring back that smile and chuckle (No pun intended!) that happens every time we hear a Chuck Norris Joke!

Now for the JOKES!

  • When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
  • Paul Bunyan may be able to knock down a whole forrest with one swing of his ax but Chuck Norris can take out a whole forrest with one roundhouse kick.
  • Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
  • In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
  • Chuck Norris once roundhoused a horse in the chin and from then on, its decendents were known as giraffes!
  • Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
  • Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about
  • Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
  • Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris
  • Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
  • Chuck Norris has a stunt double to do crying scenes.
  • Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his ACT by answering "Chuck Norris" on every question.
  • Chuck Norris does not go fishing the fish go to Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird
  • When Chuck Norris crosses the street the cars have to look both ways.
  • Chuck Norris CAN eat just one Lays potato chip.
  • If you spell Chuck Norris in scrabble. you win. forever.
  • Chuck Norris can rhyme orange and purple with each other.
  • A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is responsible for this phenomenon. When asked about it Chuck Norris will stare at you...grimly.
  • Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
  • There is no "CTRL" button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
  • How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a a woodchuck could Chuck Norris?... All of it.
  • You are what you eat. Chuck Norris eats steel.
  • Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
  • The imaginary numbers in math are imaginary because they are hiding from Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris CAN believe its not butter.
  • Chuck Norris let the dogs out.
  • Chuck Norris let the cat out of the bag
  • Chuck Norris got the cats tongue.

If you have any funny Chuck Norris Jokes you want to share please feel free to share. Just keep them clean if you please. Thank you! :)

Comments

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    • kookoo88 profile image

      kookoo88 6 years ago from Cripple Creek

      These are awesome. Regrettably I don't have any to add . . . I'm not Chuck Norris after all. ;)

    • profile image

      Bruno 6 years ago

      Chuck Norris can carve a knife with a pumpkin.

    • AmeliaMercedies profile image
      Author

      AmeliaMercedies 6 years ago

      I like that one!

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      Kevin 6 years ago

      Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.

    • fibo777 profile image

      fibo777 6 years ago

      I enjoyed the hub. The quotes are really funny.

    • AmeliaMercedies profile image
      Author

      AmeliaMercedies 6 years ago

      Thank you!

    • vahix profile image

      vahix 6 years ago from USA

      Chuck Norris makes onions cry:)

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      Alex 6 years ago

      Chuck Norris hidden talent is invisibility

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      Zack 6 years ago

      Chuck Norris once beat himself in a staring contest

    • AmeliaMercedies profile image
      Author

      AmeliaMercedies 6 years ago

      @vahix:That is a good one!!

      @Alex: that is funny! I like the pun thing going on!

      @Zack: I like that one a lot too!

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      me 5 years ago

      these are all so funny!

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      Bob 5 years ago

      Chuck Norris can punch a cyclops between his eye

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      monkeyboy 5 years ago

      When Chuck Norris does a cannon ball he splits the water into hydrogen and oxygen

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      javk 5 years ago

      how much wood could a wood chuck, chuck if a wood chuck, could chuck norris?

      the answer - all of it

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      shane 5 years ago

      there are no chuck norris jokes................they all true! Fact!!!!

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      sjp 729 5 years ago

      Chuck norris is the only one who can roundhouse kick you in the back of the face

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      chi3fMonk 5 years ago

      Chuck Norris's Nokia phone has BBM.

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      Dion Pikes 5 years ago

      superman wears chuck norris pjs

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      Meagan 5 years ago

      if u have five bucks and chuck norris has five bucks chuck Norris has more money then u

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      Pat 5 years ago

      Chuck Norris pissed in a truck the truck turned in to optimus prime

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      Bibbity jeb 5 years ago

      Chuck norris' PC never crashes,because the PC is too scared to crash

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      uhh name? 5 years ago

      Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer, too bad he's never cried

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      sarge 4 years ago

      Chuck Norris uses viagara eye drops so he looks hard

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      65473 4 years ago

      CHUCK NORRIS' CAR DON'T RUN ON FUEL IT RUNS ON FEAR

    • profile image

      Toter 4 years ago

      Chuck norris gives his beer a hangover

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      Dovaakin 4 years ago

      Chuck Norris swallows his prey whole, then he chews it.

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      Dovaakin 4 years ago

      Chuck Norris doesn't need air, air needs him.

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      joshua miller 4 years ago

      You know how things can't escape black holes, Black holes can't escape Chuck Norris

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      laughing cow 4 years ago

      chuck norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people then the grenade ecploded

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      Bailey 4 years ago

      When Chuck Norris Jumps Into Water he doesn't get wet the water gets Chuck Norrised

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      az singer 4 years ago

      CHUCK NORRIS DOESN'T TRIP.

      HE ATTACKS THE FLOOR WITH HIS FACE!!!

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      Dwight 4 years ago

      Why do you think the dinosaurs Really went extinct .one of them stole his candy bar

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      chuck has no fear 4 years ago

      people say there is no chin on chuck norris under his beard its a fist

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      chuck has no fear 4 years ago

      chuck eats the core of the apple first

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      chuck has no fear 4 years ago

      mr t. beat chuck in a game of tic tac toe that's when chuck created racicim

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      chuck has no fear 4 years ago

      chuck norris had a heart attack and the heart lost

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      chuck has no fear 4 years ago

      the reason new born babies cry is because they know they entered a world of chuck norris

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      chuck has no fear 4 years ago

      when chuck does a push up chuck pushes the world up and down not himself

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      ChuckNorris 4 years ago

      Chuck Norris doesn't pay his taxes, he gets files and puts a picture of him on it

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      JJ 4 years ago

      Chuck norris dosent flush he scares the s...!out of it

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      JJ 4 years ago

      When chuck noris was born the only person crying was the nurse...........

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      jeff 4 years ago

      jack was nimble jack was quick but jack couldn't doge chuck norris's roundhouse kick

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      Slender xD 4 years ago

      Chuck Norris can pick oranges off an apple tree and make the best lemonade you've ever tasted and chuck norris once pissed in a trucks fuel tank tht truck is now known as optimus prime

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      And522973 4 years ago

      If Chuck Norris catches you writing jokes about him, he will smash your head into the keyjhlgkykugv

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      myagi 4 years ago

      When Chuck Norris was born the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

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      Will 4 years ago

      The universe is expanding to get away from Chuck Norris.

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      Hello Kitty 3 years ago

      Chuck Norris went to the virgin islands, now its called the islands.

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      Adam smith 3 years ago

      chuck norris' first steps as a child are the reason for the earths rotation...i just made that up btw

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      Chuck Norris doesn't cut paper paper cuts itself 3 years ago

      Juancarlos reyna chuck Norris doesn't cut paper paper cuts itself

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      Wes_dawg69 3 years ago

      Magicians can walk on water well chuck Norris can swim through land

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      mike 3 years ago

      chuck Norris once eaten too many skittles and after that farted.... !!

      That is how the story of POWER RANGERS begins..!!

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      Bledar 3 years ago

      Un asteroid headed to earth may contain the strongest metal of the universe.Scientist say it can cut thru Chuck Norris beard.

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      Bassboyrox 3 years ago

      Chuck norris roundhouse kicked the Earth and its still spinning.

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      By the King 3 years ago

      Chuck Norris actually died 7 years ago. He's still alive because Death was too afraid of him to collect his soul.

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      Chad 3 years ago

      When chuck Norris eats Rice Krispies they shut the h&$$ up

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      stephanie 3 years ago

      Life does not flash before Chuck Norris....Chuck Norris flashes before it.....

    • Garimaa profile image

      Garima Bista 2 years ago from Kathmandu,Nepal

      Haha Best jokes are of Chuck!

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      Bill Roe 2 years ago

      You know why there are blood moons, cause Chuck Norris told the man in the moon to turn around and he didn't obey quick enough.

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