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The best Chuck Norris Jokes EVER

Updated on January 13, 2011

Intro

Okay, I love Chuck Norris. I am pretty sure we all do! His jokes are timeless just like his roundhouse kick. I know most of us know pretty  much all of his jokes, I think there may be at least one or two that are slightly new. Even if you know every Chuck Norris joke ever created please let me bring back that smile and chuckle (No pun intended!) that happens every time we hear a Chuck Norris Joke!

Now for the JOKES!

  • When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
  • Paul Bunyan may be able to knock down a whole forrest with one swing of his ax but Chuck Norris can take out a whole forrest with one roundhouse kick.
  • Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
  • In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
  • Chuck Norris once roundhoused a horse in the chin and from then on, its decendents were known as giraffes!
  • Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
  • Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about
  • Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
  • Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris
  • Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
  • Chuck Norris has a stunt double to do crying scenes.
  • Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his ACT by answering "Chuck Norris" on every question.
  • Chuck Norris does not go fishing the fish go to Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird
  • When Chuck Norris crosses the street the cars have to look both ways.
  • Chuck Norris CAN eat just one Lays potato chip.
  • If you spell Chuck Norris in scrabble. you win. forever.
  • Chuck Norris can rhyme orange and purple with each other.
  • A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is responsible for this phenomenon. When asked about it Chuck Norris will stare at you...grimly.
  • Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
  • There is no "CTRL" button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
  • How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a a woodchuck could Chuck Norris?... All of it.
  • You are what you eat. Chuck Norris eats steel.
  • Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
  • The imaginary numbers in math are imaginary because they are hiding from Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris CAN believe its not butter.
  • Chuck Norris let the dogs out.
  • Chuck Norris let the cat out of the bag
  • Chuck Norris got the cats tongue.

If you have any funny Chuck Norris Jokes you want to share please feel free to share. Just keep them clean if you please. Thank you! :)

Comments

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    • profile image

      Bill Roe 

      3 years ago

      You know why there are blood moons, cause Chuck Norris told the man in the moon to turn around and he didn't obey quick enough.

    • Garimaa profile image

      Garima Bista 

      4 years ago from Kathmandu,Nepal

      Haha Best jokes are of Chuck!

    • profile image

      stephanie 

      4 years ago

      Life does not flash before Chuck Norris....Chuck Norris flashes before it.....

    • profile image

      Chad 

      4 years ago

      When chuck Norris eats Rice Krispies they shut the h&$$ up

    • profile image

      By the King 

      4 years ago

      Chuck Norris actually died 7 years ago. He's still alive because Death was too afraid of him to collect his soul.

    • profile image

      Bassboyrox 

      4 years ago

      Chuck norris roundhouse kicked the Earth and its still spinning.

    • profile image

      Bledar 

      4 years ago

      Un asteroid headed to earth may contain the strongest metal of the universe.Scientist say it can cut thru Chuck Norris beard.

    • profile image

      mike 

      4 years ago

      chuck Norris once eaten too many skittles and after that farted.... !!

      That is how the story of POWER RANGERS begins..!!

    • profile image

      Wes_dawg69 

      5 years ago

      Magicians can walk on water well chuck Norris can swim through land

    • profile image

      Chuck Norris doesn't cut paper paper cuts itself 

      5 years ago

      Juancarlos reyna chuck Norris doesn't cut paper paper cuts itself

    • profile image

      Adam smith 

      5 years ago

      chuck norris' first steps as a child are the reason for the earths rotation...i just made that up btw

    • profile image

      Hello Kitty 

      5 years ago

      Chuck Norris went to the virgin islands, now its called the islands.

    • profile image

      Will 

      5 years ago

      The universe is expanding to get away from Chuck Norris.

    • profile image

      myagi 

      5 years ago

      When Chuck Norris was born the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

    • profile image

      And522973 

      5 years ago

      If Chuck Norris catches you writing jokes about him, he will smash your head into the keyjhlgkykugv

    • profile image

      Slender xD 

      5 years ago

      Chuck Norris can pick oranges off an apple tree and make the best lemonade you've ever tasted and chuck norris once pissed in a trucks fuel tank tht truck is now known as optimus prime

    • profile image

      jeff 

      5 years ago

      jack was nimble jack was quick but jack couldn't doge chuck norris's roundhouse kick

    • profile image

      JJ 

      6 years ago

      When chuck noris was born the only person crying was the nurse...........

    • profile image

      JJ 

      6 years ago

      Chuck norris dosent flush he scares the s...!out of it

    • profile image

      ChuckNorris 

      6 years ago

      Chuck Norris doesn't pay his taxes, he gets files and puts a picture of him on it

    • profile image

      chuck has no fear 

      6 years ago

      when chuck does a push up chuck pushes the world up and down not himself

    • profile image

      chuck has no fear 

      6 years ago

      the reason new born babies cry is because they know they entered a world of chuck norris

    • profile image

      chuck has no fear 

      6 years ago

      chuck norris had a heart attack and the heart lost

    • profile image

      chuck has no fear 

      6 years ago

      mr t. beat chuck in a game of tic tac toe that's when chuck created racicim

    • profile image

      chuck has no fear 

      6 years ago

      chuck eats the core of the apple first

    • profile image

      chuck has no fear 

      6 years ago

      people say there is no chin on chuck norris under his beard its a fist

    • profile image

      Dwight 

      6 years ago

      Why do you think the dinosaurs Really went extinct .one of them stole his candy bar

    • profile image

      az singer 

      6 years ago

      CHUCK NORRIS DOESN'T TRIP.

      HE ATTACKS THE FLOOR WITH HIS FACE!!!

    • profile image

      Bailey 

      6 years ago

      When Chuck Norris Jumps Into Water he doesn't get wet the water gets Chuck Norrised

    • profile image

      laughing cow 

      6 years ago

      chuck norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people then the grenade ecploded

    • profile image

      joshua miller 

      6 years ago

      You know how things can't escape black holes, Black holes can't escape Chuck Norris

    • profile image

      Dovaakin 

      6 years ago

      Chuck Norris doesn't need air, air needs him.

    • profile image

      Dovaakin 

      6 years ago

      Chuck Norris swallows his prey whole, then he chews it.

    • profile image

      Toter 

      6 years ago

      Chuck norris gives his beer a hangover

    • profile image

      65473 

      6 years ago

      CHUCK NORRIS' CAR DON'T RUN ON FUEL IT RUNS ON FEAR

    • profile image

      sarge 

      6 years ago

      Chuck Norris uses viagara eye drops so he looks hard

    • profile image

      uhh name? 

      6 years ago

      Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer, too bad he's never cried

    • profile image

      Bibbity jeb 

      6 years ago

      Chuck norris' PC never crashes,because the PC is too scared to crash

    • profile image

      Pat 

      6 years ago

      Chuck Norris pissed in a truck the truck turned in to optimus prime

    • profile image

      Meagan 

      6 years ago

      if u have five bucks and chuck norris has five bucks chuck Norris has more money then u

    • profile image

      Dion Pikes 

      6 years ago

      superman wears chuck norris pjs

    • profile image

      chi3fMonk 

      6 years ago

      Chuck Norris's Nokia phone has BBM.

    • profile image

      sjp 729 

      6 years ago

      Chuck norris is the only one who can roundhouse kick you in the back of the face

    • profile image

      shane 

      6 years ago

      there are no chuck norris jokes................they all true! Fact!!!!

    • profile image

      javk 

      6 years ago

      how much wood could a wood chuck, chuck if a wood chuck, could chuck norris?

      the answer - all of it

    • profile image

      monkeyboy 

      6 years ago

      When Chuck Norris does a cannon ball he splits the water into hydrogen and oxygen

    • profile image

      Bob 

      6 years ago

      Chuck Norris can punch a cyclops between his eye

    • profile image

      me 

      6 years ago

      these are all so funny!

    • AmeliaMercedies profile imageAUTHOR

      AmeliaMercedies 

      7 years ago

      @vahix:That is a good one!!

      @Alex: that is funny! I like the pun thing going on!

      @Zack: I like that one a lot too!

    • profile image

      Zack 

      7 years ago

      Chuck Norris once beat himself in a staring contest

    • profile image

      Alex 

      7 years ago

      Chuck Norris hidden talent is invisibility

    • vahix profile image

      vahix 

      7 years ago from USA

      Chuck Norris makes onions cry:)

    • AmeliaMercedies profile imageAUTHOR

      AmeliaMercedies 

      7 years ago

      Thank you!

    • fibo777 profile image

      fibo777 

      7 years ago from UK

      I enjoyed the hub. The quotes are really funny.

    • profile image

      Kevin 

      7 years ago

      Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.

    • AmeliaMercedies profile imageAUTHOR

      AmeliaMercedies 

      7 years ago

      I like that one!

    • profile image

      Bruno 

      7 years ago

      Chuck Norris can carve a knife with a pumpkin.

    • kookoo88 profile image

      kookoo88 

      7 years ago from Cripple Creek

      These are awesome. Regrettably I don't have any to add . . . I'm not Chuck Norris after all. ;)

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