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Nothing To Believe in

Updated on April 12, 2013

I was always asked by other people to invite him to come in and occupy the most special place in my heart and I did it without having second thoughts but he never came--HE NEVER CAME..


I stare at him as he lie next to me. His eyes are brown, his lips are red but pale, his hair is long and tangled, and his cheeks are pink like the roses in a summer solstice's evening. His nose is perfect as if it was carved by the most popular artist of all time, his eyelashes are long making me so envy because mine are not and his brows are arched perfectly--so perfect that everyone would say that he is brave; he is the man who changed the world forever and I concur, he is brave but he's a coward.


I can still smell the sweet paint that touches his body though it's been a long time since I visited him and I cannot remember when was that time. Well, honestly, I just go there when I was forced to do so. He's not one of my priorities, anyway. He's not that important to me. With or without him, my life still sucks and I cannot change that reality. There is more to life than him. I used to believe in him and his promises but now I believe in nobody but myself--my strength, my talents, my determination, my ambition and my own reflection when I look at myself in the mirror. If I only knew that he wouldn't be able to make me believe in him forever, I shouldn't have let myself start to.


He has given me a new life. He brought me to a different world. This world I see before my eyes is a place that will change everything about me. The change will start from the way I look through the way I think. 10 more years from now and I picture me knowing myself no more. I'm scared of changing though I know it's part of human nature. I'm scared of being hurt. I'm afraid of temptation and of the things that will corrupt my mind though I know nobody's not being perverted by everything that is in this world, even the way people see him and think of him has been changed by time.


I am in the midst of uncertainty and I am lost; everybody's staring with blank faces at me but I don't care. I don't mind. All I know is He's not the man on that image. He's not the man I see everyday everywhere. He's not what I was taught he is. He's not what the older people say he is. But one thing is for sure--he is what I want him to be. I will not beg to anyone to save me from my sins. I will not kneel or bow down before anybody just to be saved. I will face the punishments and the consequences of my wrong doings. I know I have to suffer because I have sinned. I am not saying these things because I want to be different but because I know that I am a sinner and I don't deserve him.

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    • always exploring profile image

      Ruby Jean Fuller 4 years ago from Southern Illinois

      This is a confusing write, sometimes i am thinking of Jesus, then other times i am thinking of a man who must have hurt you. I hope you will find peace and love again..

    • Valorie Esquilona profile image
      Author

      Valorie Esquilona 4 years ago from Philippines

      oh,thanks for dropping by, Miss.. it's my intention to make this confusing.

    • Gypsy Rose Lee profile image

      Gypsy Rose Lee 4 years ago from Riga, Latvia

      It is a sad and sometimes frightening feeling when we are not sure exactly where we are at some point in life and where we are going. Hope it all works out.

    • Valorie Esquilona profile image
      Author

      Valorie Esquilona 4 years ago from Philippines

      life is so sad but thanks to the beautiful people who make us happy.. thanks Gypsy!

    • CrazedNovelist profile image

      A.E. Williams 3 years ago from Hampton, GA

      Very interesting writing...

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