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One Trick Wonder
By: Wayne Brown
I am really glad that God blessed us humans with the ability to wonder. Other than our ability to accessorize, I think it might be the one thing that we have on the animals of the world. I wonder a lot about a lot of things. On the ESP side of the discussion, I sometimes get answers by just wondering. I can just wonder as to whether a movie star is dead or alive and BAM! Within days, I have my answer….killed in a train wreck just hours ago! I have often wondered if my wondering changed the course of events in people’s lives.
I wonder what is in Preparation-H that is so bad that one cannot put it on a cracker and consider eating it. At the same time, it’s not too bad to use down at the other end of town. I guess it’s better to label it “not for internal consumption” more so that it is to warn “your butt is in for some harsh treatment”. Yep, I sure wonder about that stuff.
I wonder where the ocean goes when the tide goes down. Some say it goes to China or Australia. I say that is one hell of a long over night trip when you have to be back here first thing in the morning. I wonder what people would think if they got up in the morning and the tide was still low. Then it stayed that way all day. I wonder would they panic and start an all out search to find the high tide. You might not have thought about it much but I have.
I wonder how all that water gets inside watermelons when apples don’t have hardly any. Is it because apples grow on trees and watermelons grow on vines? I also wonder how they get those seeds out of them without cutting them open. Now you talk about technology coming right up in your face, well there it is brother! We can’t raise a coreless apple but we can damn sure get the seeds out of watermelon. Houdini himself would be envious of such a feat.
I wonder why they say dogs can taste water but humans cannot. Why is that? I’ll bet dogs can’t wonder….nay, nay, nay! What the hell does water taste like anyway and who would know whether or not a dog can taste it. Did they ask the dog after he had lapped it from the bowl? Did you like that boy? Did it taste good? It almost sounds like something that Steven Wright guy would say. You know, he’s the one who bought some powdered water but he didn’t know what to mix it with. Well, on that basis, the dogs have some very tasty water but us humans do not know what it tastes like. I wonder what we are missing here!
I wonder why they put those little “tent-shaped” metal things on light wires out in the middle of nowhere. Of all the people I have known, and a few worked down at the power company, I have yet to meet anyone who knew. Maybe their only purpose is just to piss people off and make them wonder. They don’t seem to use them here in the city so there must be some logical difference. I wonder what it is, don’t you?
I wonder if people who walk on high wires ever come really close to losing their balance and peeing their pants just before they take that headlong dive into eternity. I wonder about that. I wonder why the hell they didn't use a net. It is suppose to be an indication of their bravery, courage, and a symbol of how confident they are that nothing will go wrong and they will just walk right across that rope to the applause of the crowd. Then I begin to wonder what is going through their head on the way down. Could it be that maybe they are second guessing the idea for not using a net?
I wonder why we try to design laws to protect a fool from himself. You ever thought about that much? You should because it just does not make sense. Getting back to the Preparation-H, the government says the company that makes that stuff has to mark the tube with a warning that it should not be eaten on a cracker. So what’s going to be the end result if a fool does it? Will he live and just have a little mouth? It must be something like that otherwise why not put a marking on there that says, “Be Careful, This Crap Will Kill Ya!” Now I can understand a straight-forward warning like that. You know, there’s only one sure-fire way to protect a fool from himself. You have to assign armed guards to him with written instructions that say, “If he looks like he is doing any thing that will hurt him, shoot him!” I wonder why they don’t do just that.
I wonder why there are so many lawyers and all of them make a good living. They say that only 10% of the population ever really needs a lawyer’s services. No wonder they charge so much per hour for what they do. I heard someone remark one time that the definition of a “crying shame” was a busload of lawyers going over a cliff with one empty seat. Now I got myself wondering why that seat was empty and what they would have called it if that one guy had shown up. Would it have been a “raging success”, you think?
I wonder who decided that eight seconds was the proper amount of time for a cowboy to stay on the back of a bucking bull. Why is that a sufficient time? I think just the fact that a guy has a small enough brain and large enough balls to crawl up on the back of one of those supped-up meat blenders is enough to warrant some recognition and maybe even a little prize money. On the other hand, if you are only going to stay on for eight seconds, why bother? If you are going to ride him, go ahead and ride him good…ride his ass out the back of the arena and get him a drink of water. I’ll bet the crowd would like that, I wonder!
I wonder why Custer was not credited with coining the phrase, “Let’s get out of here, boys”. You would think that would have been the first thing that came to his mind when he saw all those Indians and he would have wanted to haul butt. To quote Andy Rooney, “I know I would”. Surely Custer was the reason the rear-view mirror was invented. Do ya think? I wonder why more terms were not coined at the Little Big Horn. You know handy phrases like “Look behind you, George” and “Don’t look now!” On the other hand there are some phrases that just would not have been appropriate for that event. Things like “didn’t touch a hair on his head”, “not a hair out of place” and “it nothing but a hair-line fracture”.
I wonder what a “One Trick Pony” actually might be. Is it really just a pony that can only do one trick? Do you think someone tried to teach him another trick only to fail? Then suddenly someone noticed there were a lot of ponies around that could only do one trick so they created a name for them and called them “One Trick Ponies”. How do you think it makes the pony feel? Do you wonder? I know I do! What a disappointment to get all the way home with your new pony to find out that your daddy had bought you a “one trick pony” for your birthday. I get pissed just thinking about!
I wonder why June Cleaver wore high heels everyday. I wonder why Tonto went into town every time the Lone Ranger asked him…he always got beat up. I wonder why the windows in our houses let in so much darkness at night. I wonder where the yellow went when you brushed your teeth with Pepsodent. I wonder why LBJ took all the silver out of the money…could it be werewolves. I wonder who compiled all that information that was in the old set of encyclopedias that your mom bought from that door to door salesman. I wonder who coined the term “encyclopedia” and applied it to that set of books. Had it never been used before? Will it ever be used again? Obviously, we should find a new use for the word. After all, who uses encyclopedias anymore? I wonder who the hell Cheryl Cole is.
It probably is a good thing that God did not give animals the ability to wonder. Wow, think of the trouble it would cause. The Budweiser Clydesdales might end up suffering from ADD. Your dog might not chase a stick because he was thinkin’ about something at the moment. The monkey cage at the zoo might not be so much fun. There is just so much that could possibly change but I really wonder if it would. Don’t you?
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