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Ode to the People of Walmart

Updated on August 13, 2012

Ode to the People of Walmart

O ye great unwashed multitude

O wave of humanity waiting en masse at the door to be first to enter the holy gates of deep discount heaven

O ye of mullet hair design,… of low riders …of that 'lost deer in the headlights' look

We herald you, oh inbreeding cousins looking for engagement rings at the jewelry counter

We share your struggles, valiant seekers of customer service, as you look in vain forever

From trailer parks far and wide you come to roll back the prices…

Roll! roll back the prices.. roll back until closing time.. roll back forever the great rock of savings!

There is glory in Quakers Oats selling at 30% off.. not just for Quakers, but for ALL who believe.. believe in stretching a dollar… stretching like the size 4 latex on the size 15 lady in aisle five.

She strides gracefully, five offspring in one shopping cart, two more in the oven.

Like the great trek of yesteryear across the Western plains, they seek a better future, and a deal on family-size Ruffles potato chips

Cracks to the left of them! Cracks to the front of them! A pant belt or suspenders nowhere to be found.

In the distance, a leopard print lady springs from the kitchen appliances section, and grabs the last fondue set.

In the distance, a cougar, walking with a lisp, urgently looks for yeast infection help.

In the distance, a henpecked husband pushes a cart…not an Alpha male, not Beta, not Gamma, not Delta... but somewhere far down the chain of Greek letters… he curses life and all those around him

In the distance, the hygiene products.. the toothpaste, the body wash, the deodorant.. all stand alone and all but forgotten.

The line stretches forever for those with 10 items or less

But they are not deterred, they march on.. too close to the finish to give up.. the end is in sight, the morning's journey almost done.

And when their struggle is over, the rewards are plentiful.

A super-sized meal with a super-sized thank you.. thank you Mr. Sam Walton, may Hell be merciful on your soul and not be too warm.


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    • Cardisa profile image

      Carolee Samuda 6 years ago from Jamaica

      I could hardly read the darn thing! The first line choked the hell out of me, I had to be reading through tears and coughing!

    • Silva Hayes profile image

      Silva Hayes 6 years ago from Spicewood, Texas

      Ooooo you have such a sharp and cruel tongue! Hahaha, I am laughing here. I too love the line, 'O ye of mullet design.' I wonder if Mr. Sam Walton realized what his creation would become. I myself continue to boycott Walmart.

    • stephhicks68 profile image

      Stephanie Hicks 6 years ago from Bend, Oregon

      OMG - soooo cracking up! The woman buying size 4 while she has two more in the oven. So funny, because its so true! LOL!

    • Dolores Monet profile image

      Dolores Monet 6 years ago from East Coast, United States

      A perfect reason not to leave the house on Black Friday, though the poem was so funnily beautiful. (The spell check thingy did not underscore the word 'funnily' in red, but I feel that it should have.)

    • Phil Plasma profile image

      Phil Plasma 6 years ago from Montreal, Quebec

      Entertaining, though I haven't stepped in a Walmart in eleven years. The boycott continues.

    • GusTheRedneck profile image

      Gustave Kilthau 6 years ago from USA

      Hi Greek One - Now we know where to find verbal photography composed with a super-pixeled camera and a digitally humorous brain. And to think that my favorite expression (up until I read this piece) has been, "Beware of Greeks baring..."

      Gus :-)))

    • Pamela N Red profile image

      Pamela N Red 6 years ago from Oklahoma

      You gotta love Wal-Mart. Where else can you get a laugh and a bargain all at the same time?

    • MissJamieD profile image

      MissJamieD 6 years ago from Minnes-O-ta

      Love this! Great job;)

    • Brenda Holstine profile image

      Brenda Holstine 6 years ago from Denton, Texas

      Well done. People will probably be wondering what's up with me because I'm going to be giggling to myself for the rest of the day.

    • schoolgirlforreal profile image

      schoolgirlforreal 6 years ago

      Cute lol

    • Wesman Todd Shaw profile image

      Wesman Todd Shaw 6 years ago from Kaufman, Texas

      This is so touching....that I won't be able to touch myself for a while!

    • LeanMan profile image

      Tony 6 years ago from At the Gemba

      Never been to Walmart - not sure if I ever will.. but I am sure I have met several people from your writing in other stores.... lol

    • barryrutherford profile image

      Barry Rutherford 6 years ago from Queensland Australia

      I ticked all the boxes well done !

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Soooo very funny and truly the writing of a genius. We don't have Walmart in the UK, but there is Ildi which is probably much the same from what I hear (we don't have it in the Channel Islands where I live).

    • cardelean profile image

      cardelean 6 years ago from Michigan

      This was AWESOME. I am sharing this one on FB. I'm quite sure many will get as much of a laugh out of it as I have. Thanks because I REALLY needed the laugh today.

    • successfulblogger profile image

      successfulblogger 6 years ago from Los Angeles,Ca

      Voted funny

    • tammyswallow profile image

      Tammy 6 years ago from North Carolina

      Hilarious!!!! Love the part about the hygiene products being left untouched. This is so true.

    • Teddletonmr profile image

      Mike Teddleton 6 years ago from Midwest USA

      How about a round for the good ole boy standing in the ten items or less aisle reading the cover of Redbook, a twelve pack under one arm and a big blue box of feminine hygiene items under the other.

      Great take on the people of walmart. The customers are funny also.

      + and shared with my twitter and facebook friends.

    • FloraBreenRobison profile image

      FloraBreenRobison 6 years ago

      "Oh ye, of mullet hair design..." I love this line. Voted up and funny! I have never been a Walmart shopper. I don't care for the way they treat their employees.

    • Jane@CM profile image

      Jane@CM 6 years ago

      OMG - this is hilarious - so glad I found it!! Good job Greek!

    • profile image

      katiem2 6 years ago

      funny funny walmart stuff oh the people of walmart :)

    • Maddie Ruud profile image

      Maddie Ruud 6 years ago from Oakland, CA

      Win. Just... win.

    • chanroth profile image

      chanroth 6 years ago from California, USA

      LOL! Very clever! I vote up and funny!

    • ThePracticalMommy profile image

      Marissa 6 years ago from United States

      This has completely made my day!! Well done, Greek One! I will be passing this along. I know a few more people who could use a good laugh.

      Voted up, awesome and funny!

    • robie2 profile image

      Roberta Kyle 6 years ago from Central New Jersey

      Wonderful, clever, and just perfect. Here's a link to the People of Walmart music video from YouTube to go with it

      LMAO as i vote up, awesome and funny

    • K9keystrokes profile image

      India Arnold 6 years ago from Northern, California

      Brilliant!! I love the Walmartian series and this is the perfect tribute to those brazen women, and those party in the back men! A masterpiece to be sure. The "Squidbilly" cartoon comes to mind as I read your work here, more perfect comparison available. This must be seen by the world...

      Up and all else!



    • cherylone profile image

      Cheryl Simonds 6 years ago from Connecticut

      As the lines flowed I could just picture the people standing in the aisles and looking bored, lost, or just plain out of it. I loved it.

    • Ralph Deeds profile image

      Ralph Deeds 6 years ago from Birmingham, Michigan

      Great pome, Greek One.

    • miss_jkim profile image

      miss_jkim 6 years ago

      This could not describe Wal-Mart any better. Loved it; I think this should be on the home page of Bravo!

    • Ms Chievous profile image

      Tina 6 years ago from Wv

      An instant classic! Now come up with a chorus and this could be a good country song! :D

    • Keeley Shea profile image

      Keeley Shea 6 years ago from Norwich, CT

      Brilliant writing....laughing all the way down the aisle with your picturesque words! Thanks for writing!

    • Greek One profile image

      Greek One 6 years ago

      Thank you very much... I haven't had a lovely lady (who isn't my wife) take off her bow for my since my bachelor party :)

    • Simone Smith profile image

      Simone Haruko Smith 6 years ago from San Francisco

      This... this... IS AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As a People of Walmart fan, this really speaks to me. Brilliantly done, Greek One. My bow is off to you.

    • Sunshine625 profile image

      Linda Bilyeu 6 years ago from Orlando, FL

      What a fantastic ode! I consider a trip to Walmart a freak show, one never knows what one will see. I just heard yesterday that in Ohio a Walmart greeter was doing his job and said Hello to a customer and the customer beat him up, supposedly the customer was having a bad day. Such a shame for the greeter.

    • emichael profile image

      emichael 6 years ago from New Orleans

      I feel like I just walked through the Walmart in New Orleans East.

      I need a shower...

    • Uninvited Writer profile image

      Susan Keeping 6 years ago from Kitchener, Ontario

      I love this :)

    • Vinaya Ghimire profile image

      Vinaya Ghimire 6 years ago from Nepal

      I found this poetry in forum about contest entry. I'm glad that I read this. I loved your amusing style.

    • Jo_Goldsmith11 profile image

      Jo_Goldsmith11 6 years ago

      OMG! I love this! I can't stop laughing! :)) I don't think I will be able to go into Walmart without laughing for quite some time. I don't know if you know the comic Jeff Dunham. He has a puppet named walter. Jeff does a piece about walmart where *walter* says, "Welcome to walmart , now get the hell out". (lol) Really cute one! I voted up! funny, awesome. Shared on facebook and twitter too.