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Ohh, the Horror!
It all began with a pizza
"No, please! I'm begging you, don't kill me!"
"You should've thought of that before doing what you did. It's payback time!"
"What are you talking abut, what did I do?"
"Oh, you don't know? Guess it would be kind of impolite to kill you if you don't know why I'm killing you."
"Impoli-- What the hell are you talking about?"
"You already asked that. Darn it, writer! Anywho, it all began with a pizza."
"Yup. What is the matter? Don't you like pizza?"
"You want to kill me over a fucking pizza!?"
"Hey, hey, hey, mind the language, okay? There are easily offended people reading this story, probably. Will you just let me tell the story?"
It's Friday, so I'm fairly happy. Last day working, usually good tips, last delivery. What else could I ask for? One of your friends, a musuclar guy, opens the door. I can see a reunion is taking place in the living room. I smile politely.
'Great. Pizza's here!'
'Good night, sir. It will be 23 dollars and 53 cents, please.'
The guy takes out 24 dollars from his wallet and hands them over to me. I give him the pizza. And he closes the door.
"You can begin to see why I'm so mad, right?"
"Not at all."
"Twenty-four dollars exactly. Now?"
"No tip! Thank you!"
"I-I can tip you right now. In fact, take all my money. Just let me live."
"It's not just the tip, Mandy, it's--"
"How do you know my name?"
"Unbelievable. It's actually unbelievable. I sit next to you in history, for crying out loud! I'm Mark. I've been with you since second grade."
"I don't know any Mark."
"Of course you don't. Well, your friends down there pulled the same thing on me."
When this guy, who I don't know, opens the door, I could see John, Jake, Sally, Jennifer, Britney and Wayne in the living room. By the way, your friends' names, so cliché! So, I opened the door, to say hi to them and all. And Jenni starts screaming like I'm some kind of monster from a horror movie. The musuclar guy turns around and says something I don't understand, but I can see he's mad. I start babbling and I try to leave, but he grabs me and lifts me. You don't tip, you don't say hi, and you threaten me? No way. I take out my pen and jab it in that jerk's eye. He falls down and so do I.
Then, I realize the horrible thing I've done. I don't know who starts creaming, I look up and see John running toward me. I stand up and run to the kitchen, although I didn't know it was the kitchen. John is yelling, too. I stop behind the counter. He tries to catch me, but I go around the counter and we were chasing each other for like five minutes, I can't believe any of your friends came to help John. I keep running from John when he suddenly slips with a puddle of water that formed by a broken faucet, which was broken while John was chasing me because he threw something at me, but missed. It all seemed too convoluted, like an overly complicated way to kill someone that for some reason works, but it's pretty unbelievable still.
Finally, Jake joins the former pursue and slips with blood's John. He also dies.
"Can you believe it? Two birds, one stone. And technically, John committed suicide and killed Jake.
"It seems too 'Final Destination' for me."
"The movie where all the people die because..."
"You know, I'm trying to tell a story here."
"Sure, go on."
Readers Buy Anything You Tell Them
Three down. We're missing Sally, Jennifer, Britney, Wayne and you. When I return, the three girls are gone and I catch Wayne running throught the backyard. I don't really know why he chose to escape through the backyard instead of leaving through the main entrance. I run after Wayne until I end up face to face with him. He picks up a rake.
'Wayne, here me out. It was an accident, I didn't want to do anything to them. Besides, what are you gonna do with that rake, stab me?'
And he stabbed me. Who would've said.
'Damn it Wayne, that really hurt!"
'Who the hell are you? How do you know my name?'
'Are you serious? I'm Mark! I sit next to you in math. I always let you copy my homework.'
'I don't know any Mark! Get away from me!'
'Oh, to hell wit this!'
I pick up a large stone and hurl it at Wayne.
"And a hundred point for me, because I hit him in the head and..."
"Bingo! He didn't dodge the rock, by the way."
Returning to my psychotic killing spree (because which killing sprees aren't psychotic?), when I returned to the house, I wasn't able to move that well, since Wayne decided it would be a good idea to stick his rake in my foot. Not cool, Wayne. The girls are gone, so I go up to the second floor, where dear Britney hits me on the face with a lamp. Oh, that Britney! I fall down and I see Britney running. This almost didnt happen throughout the night, but Britney somehow trips and falls down. I'm in pain because of the lamp and the rake... and you not inviting me to your party, of course, so I take my sweet time getting up. Funny thing is, Britney turns around and instead of standing up she just starts crawling backwards. After multiple tries of standing up, I finally do and Britney has moved like two inches, tops. I hop toward her with the remains of the lamp in my hand. While I do this stunt, your friend just looks at me. What the actually hell?
"Did you kill her?"
"No, actually, I think she had an asthma attack or something."
"Oh, yeah. That happened to her quite often. Can you actually die from an asthma attack?"
"I have no idea, but the readers buy anything you tell them."
I Didn't Know Whether To Cry Or To Laugh
"Where was I?"
"Britney had an asthma attack."
"Right, thank you. Um, the next one was Jennifer, I think."
You know how in every horror movie there is a black guy, Chinese or rather any person that isn't American that dies at the beginning, but most of the times, no one knows why or how he died? Well, Jennifer is the black guy of this story... That sounds so weird... It's unfortunate when your friends don't know how you die, but when even your killer doesn't know who killed you. Now that's an interesting situation. She was in the bathroom downstairs, with a knife stuck in her neck. Blood everywhere, of course. I pull the knife out, just in case.
'So, I thought to myself: "Kill five, get the sixth free."'
"I beg to differ."
"I beg to tell you to go to hell."
Why do you always interrupt me when I'm in the middle of a murder? The last one was Sally. And I knew Sally was the screaming type. I slowly walked through the corridor until I reached your parents' bedroom door. I knock three times, as any polite assassin would. Sally, of course, started screaming stuff like "Get away!" and "Help!". That was it. I was sick of that bullshit, excuse the French. I used the knife and broke the door with it, somehow. Since we're in the parody mood, I put my head in the hole and yelled "Heeeere's Marky!". And Sally screamed "I don't know any Mark!". I didn't know whether to cry or to laugh, so I just killed Sally... and then I did a bit of both.
"By the way, can you believe no one called the police while I was brutally murdering half of their friends... and that guy, who I still don't know who he is."
34 Vulcan Terrace
"All this retelling brings us exactly to this point, to the point where I find you in your room, getting ready to impress Wayne with that excessively inappropriate cleavage."
"I'm in my underwear."
"Oh. Still, that's not how a lady should dress. But enough of this, it's killing time!"
"Doesn't really matter, because youre going to die!"
"Yes? Is there something you wanted to tell me?"
"Ah, yeah, actually. We didn't order pizza."
"Yes, you did. This is 33 Vulcan Terrace."
"No... This is 34 Vulcan Terrace."
"No kidding... Ha. Well, that turned out to be quite a trip, huh?"
"You fucking idiot!"
"Oh, well, potato, potato. I know that the difference isn't noticeable if you read it, but you get the point."
"Who are you even talking to?"
"Doesn't matter. Tell you something, I'll deliver the pizza to the right address and then I'll come back to kill you. Sounds okay to you?"
"You've got to be kidding me."
"I thought you had already realized that, darling. It's called a parody for a reason."