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Old people jokes

Updated on December 13, 2012
My elderly aunts love telling jokes like these. I hope you enjoy them, too.

Could you speak up?

Three old guys, all hard of hearing, were playing golf one sunny spring morning. One says to another, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man answers, "it's Thursday." The third guy, listening in, pipes up, "So am I! Let's grab a beer."

Three absent-minded sisters

Three sisters, aged 81, 83 and 85, live together. One night the 85 year old draws a bath for herself. As she sticks her foot in, she pauses. She yells to her sisters downstairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 83 year old shouts back loudly, "I don't know. Let me come up there and see." She begins walking up the stairs, but then pauses . She yells to her sisters "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 81 year old is sitting in the living room, enjoying some tea. She listens to her sisters, shakes her head and mutters to herself, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful. Knock on wood." She then turns and shouts, "I'll come up there and help both of you as soon as I see who's knocking at the door."

Old friends

Two elderly ladies, Ethel and Martha, had been the best of friends for over 50 years. Over the decades they had spent together, they had worked together, lived next door to each other, and even vacationed together with their husbands. In their golden years, they would meet every afternoon to play cards.

One day, as they were wrapping up a game of pinochle, Ethel looks at Martha sheepishly and says , "Now please don't get angry with me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't seem to remember your name! I've been wracking my brain for the past hour but it still escapes me. Please remind a forgetful old lady!"

Martha glares angrily at her. For five minutes, she doesn't speak, only giving her friend stares of disappointment. Finally, Martha asks, "How soon do you need to know?"

Behind the wheel

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang. Picking up, he heard his wife, her voice high with anxiety, warn him, "Henry, I just saw on the news that there's a car driving the wrong way on Highway 880. Please be careful!"

"One?" replied Henry, "You've got to be kidding me. I see at least a hundred!"

Driving

Two elderly women, Mildred and Hazel, were out driving in a large car, barely able to see over the dashboard.

As they're driving along to the grocery store, they approach an intersection. The light is red, but Mildred just drives on through, not hesitating for a second. Bewildered, Hazel thinks to herself "I must be losing it. I could've sworn we just drove through a red light."

A few minutes later, they come up to another red light. Again, Mildred drives right on through. Hazel is alarmed, but is still not sure if she's imagining things. At the next intersection, however, Mildred drives through another red light, prompting Hazel to turn to her friend. "Mildred, are you aware that we just ran through three red lights in a row?"

Mildred replies: "You know, I noticed that too!"

Hazel, flabbergasted, stammers, "You could have gotten us both killed!"

Mildred turns to her slowly, and says, "Me?! I thought you were driving!"

Lost

A retired woman calls 911 on her cellphone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cries.

The dispatcher replies reassuringly, "Don't worry, ma'am. An officer is on his way."

A few minutes later, the dispatched officer calls in. "Disregard." He says. "She got into the back seat by mistake."

Miserable

A man walking through a park notices an old lady sitting on a bench crying her eyes out. He feels bad and stops to ask her what's wrong. She sobs, "I have a gorgeous 24 year old husband at home. Every morning, he makes passionate love to me, and then gets up and brings me breakfast in bed."

Puzzled, the man says, "Lucky lady! Well, then why are you crying?" Wiping tears off her cheeks, she replies, "For lunch, he makes me my favorite -- homemade tomato soup and a grilled cheese -- and then he makes love to me all afternoon long."

Still confused, the man asks, "That sounds wonderful. What could possibly make you so sad?" Between gasps for air, she replies, "For dinner he take me out to finest restaurants, pays for everything, and then takes me home to a night of unbelievable lovemaking."

Exasperated, the man asks, "Well, why on earth are you crying?" With a look of utter despair, the lady bawls, "I can't remember where I live!"

Tools of the trade

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Marjorie notices something peculiar about Mabel's ear and says, '"Mabel, why on earth do you have a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel, surprised, replies, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulls it out and stares at it for a moment. Blushing, she replies, "Marj, sweetheart, thanks for letting me know. Now I think I know where to find my missing hearing aid."

The Church Organist

Eighty-three year old Clara Miller was a church organist, and had never been married. She was adored by her congregation for her sweet, if innocent, demeanor.

The church deacon came to visit her one afternoon, and she brought him him into her living room to enjoy some tea and cookies. 

He looked around the room and his eyes fell on her old pump organ. The deacon noticed a glass bowl filled with water sitting on it. Getting up from his seat to have a closer look, he was shocked to see a condom floating in it.

Stunned, he stumbled back to his seat as Clara returned with the tea and cookies.

For a few minutes, they chit-chatted, but the deacon had trouble getting his mind off the condom floating in the glass bowl. Finally, his curiosity got the best of him and he asked.

"Miss Miller, I was wondering if you could tell me a little about this...", said the deacon, and he pointed to the bowl.

Clara beamed. "Isn't it wonderful? I was strolling through the park a couple of months ago, and I found a little foil packet on a bench. It instructed to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent disease. And wouldn't you know, I haven't had a cold or flu since."


Ice cream parlor

A small, elderly man slowly shuffled into an ice cream parlor and carefully pulled himself onto a stool at the counter, wincing the whole time.

After a moment of catching his breath and wiping his brow, he ordered a hot fudge sundae. 

Writing down his order, the waitress asked, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he breathed wearily. "Rheumatism."

Keeping regular

Morty, Simon and Jack were discussing their daily health woes.

Morty sighs and says, "I hate having to try to pee in the morning. I'll sit on the toilet for hours and all I can manage is a slow dribble. It's torture."

Simon shakes his head, and says, "I have it worse. I sit on the pot for hours hoping for a BM. It's agonizing."

Jack turns up his lips, and says, "You two think you have it bad? I never have those kinds of trouble. I've relieved myself completely by 8 o'clock every morning."

Morty and Simon look at each incredulously and turn to Jack. "What on earth are you complaining about, then?!" they ask.

"I don't wake up until 9!"

Colorful hair

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a teenager with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow, green, orange, and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared at him.

The boy says scornfully, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"

The old man sighs and replies, "Well yes, actually, I have. I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

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    • jimmythejock profile image

      James Paterson 10 years ago from Scotland

      hahahahaha livelonger great jokes i will be adding them to my reppetoire.....jimmy

    • livelonger profile image
      Author

      Jason Menayan 10 years ago from San Francisco

      Thanks, Jimmy!

    • profile image

      George 10 years ago

      I laughed and laughed!

    • vic profile image

      vic 10 years ago

      They are such funny jokes. Especially, the "Lost" one. Thanks for starting my day with some real good funnies.

    • livelonger profile image
      Author

      Jason Menayan 10 years ago from San Francisco

      Thanks, George & vic!

    • profile image

      oneal1122 10 years ago

      Loved those jokes! Especially the one with Martha and Ethel.

    • vic profile image

      vic 10 years ago

      I forgot to share the following with you and your fans:

      A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful OLD poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"   Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

       Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The  monkey  soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

      The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

       Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

       "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

    • Misha profile image

      Misha 9 years ago from DC Area

      Thanks for a good laughter :D

    • William F. Torpey profile image

      William F Torpey 9 years ago from South Valley Stream, N.Y.

      Funny.

    • profile image

      ,..,,, 9 years ago

      haaaaa

    • profile image

      Iðunn 9 years ago

      grand batch!

    • profile image

      Stevie 9 years ago

      I laughed, and it was great.

      We need more

    • profile image

      bonnie wilcowski 9 years ago

      yay i love old people jokes they r sooooo funny and i also would like to say hi to my frend tori!!!

    • profile image

      yahoo 8 years ago

      some of these make great John McCain jokes.

      Thanks:-)

    • The Old Firm profile image

      The Old Firm 8 years ago from Waikato/Bay Of Plenty, New Zealand

      Great jokes, I passed them on to some of the younger members of the local Bridge Club. (The older ones are over 90, and may think that I've been spying on them.)

      Keep up the good work

    • GoldCoastAnnie profile image

      GoldCoastAnnie 8 years ago from Gold Coast, Australia

      I was reading this eating my lunch - time to wipe the screen clean! Very funny!

    • Bruce Elkin profile image

      Bruce Elkin 8 years ago from Victoria, BC Canada

      I'm 65 and lmao! Great jokes. And so true!

    • profile image

      Mike 8 years ago

      old people in the states smell like crap ive got a little joke

      an elderly blind man walks into a supermarket and has his dog guiding him suddenly he grabs the dog by the leash and starts spining him in a horrible way the manager walk up to him and says " what in the hell are you doing"the blind old skunk says " im just looking around

    • eovery profile image

      eovery 7 years ago from MIddle of the Boondocks of Iowa

      Good jokes,

      I got a good one,

      An old man walks into an Ice cream shop and orders a sundae. He then tenderly crawls up onto and sit down on the stool at the counter. The server asks him, "Crushed nuts?" and the old man response, "No, just arthritis."

      Keep on Hubbing!

    • profile image

      aussie anthem 7 years ago

      hey ive got a good one

      Suicidal grandma

      poor mrs dales' husband had just died and she got lonely and wanted to commit suicide by shooting herself in the heart. so she goes to her husbands underwear drawer and gets out her husbands revolver.the next thing she does was call up the doctor so she didn't miss her heart and the doc said,'well on a woman the heart is just below the left breast'.The next day shee was admitted to hospital with a gun shot wound to the knee!!

    • profile image

      willie lump lump 7 years ago

      A preacher is visting an old lady of his church. They are praying, singing, and having a good old time. During the visit the preacher finished a whole bowl of peanuts. As he was saying goodbye he apologized for eating all of her peanuts. She said "Preacher give it no min d. Ever since I had all of my teeth pulled all I do is suck the chocolate off them anyway".

    • profile image

      Liam 7 years ago

      GREAT JOKES LOVE THE ONES WRITTEN BY MEMBERS

    • G Miah profile image

      Gous Ahmed 7 years ago from Muslim Nation

      Very funny!

    • profile image

      cathinfrance 7 years ago

      Great. Laughed out loud!

    • Christopher Dapo profile image

      Christopher Dapo and S. 7 years ago from Havelock, NC

      Very nice!! Here's a little twisted one:

      Two ladies are sitting outside at their retirement home, smoking cigarettes and enjoying the sunny day when it begins to rain. One of the ladies reaches into her purse and pulls out a condom and a pair of scissors. As the other lady watches, she then proceeds to pull out the rubber, snips the tip off, and covers her cigarette with it.

      "That's a great idea!", says the other lady, and she takes a leave of absence to walk down to the convenience store.

      She enters the store and walks up to the counter. A young lad is sitting there reading a magazine, and without looking, asks the lady, "Can I help you?"

      "Those condoms there, how much?"

      The boy puts down the magazine and jumps up, in shock of the request from the elderly voice, looks at the old lady, looks at the wall of condom packages, then looks again back to the old lady.

      A slight moment of encouragement comes over the young man, thinking this is just some random prank, he asks,"Well, what size would you like?"

      The lady replies honestly, "Anything that'll fit over a Camel."

    • profile image

      jess 7 years ago

      haaaaa funny man!!

    • profile image

      james isaac newton the third 7 years ago

      those are funny!!!!!!!!!!!

    • profile image

      Tamara 7 years ago

      these are great

    • Michael Shane profile image

      Michael Shane 7 years ago from Gadsden, Alabama

      Great stuff here!

    • cbris52 profile image

      cbris52 7 years ago

      Hahaha... I'm still laughing... this is really great stuff.

    • profile image

      grammy123 7 years ago

      Good stuff. Here's one my grandmother told me - when she was in her 90's!

      This old man, Buster, and and old woman, Sally, met at a nursing home and decided they should get married so they could participate in all the rights of a married couple, including sex.

      On their wedding night they took turns in the bathroom getting all spiffied up .... and Sally went first and then Buster went in get ready. When Buster came out of the bedroom he saw an unusual sight and was pretty confused. Sally was in the corner of the room standing on her head with her legs spread wide. Buster said "what are you doing Sally?"

      Sally said .... "well, I thought if you couldn't get it up you could at least drop it in!"

    • Michael Willis profile image

      Michael Willis 7 years ago from Arkansas

      Thanks for the laughs. I enjoyed every one of the jokes.

    • K9keystrokes profile image

      India Arnold 7 years ago from Northern, California

      Again, thanks for the smiles!

    • profile image

      xxhfiei8793hjigjhg8989Gaga 7 years ago

      the jokes are okay i guess. but some are pretty fdunny!!!

    • Ivorwen profile image

      Ivorwen 6 years ago from Hither and Yonder

      These are great. I really enjoyed the one where Martha couldn't remember her own name! :)

    • profile image

      cycle1667 6 years ago

      Fallen and I can't get up From laughing so hard!

    • profile image

      pree thomas 6 years ago

      really nice esp the tools of the trade one and the suicidal granma one

    • RunAbstract profile image

      RunAbstract 6 years ago from USA

      ROTFLMBO!!!

    • Trsmd profile image

      Trsmd 6 years ago from India

      looks like someone have copied your joke and published somewhere.. here you can check..

      http://www.quiltingboard.com/t-23049-1.htm

    • profile image

      stressed spells disserts backwards concidence? 6 years ago

      OMG these were amazing totally but I think you need a lot more jokes so....

      A guy at a bar says to the bartender will you give me a beer if I show you something amazing so the bar tender agrees. The man pulls a tiny piano out of his pocket and a rat. The rat starts playing a song the bar tender gives the guy a drink. The guy says will you give ma drinks for the whole lunch hour if I show you something cooler. The bartender thinks what could be cooler then a rat playing on a piano and agrees. So the guy takes a rat out of his pocket a piano and a frog. As the rat plays the paino the frog sings and the bar tender is amazed. All of a sudden a tourist want to buy the frog and the man agrees at $150,000 the bar tender yells that could have been a million dollar frog. And the guy says the frog really wasn't much but that rat sure is a good ventriliquist. LOL!

    • PaperNotes profile image

      PaperNotes 6 years ago

      These are hilarious! Exactly why it is scary to get old, because some might make fun of you.

    • Stan Fletcher profile image

      Stan Fletcher 6 years ago from Nashville, TN

      Loved this. THanks for posting.....

    • profile image

      shannon byrne  6 years ago

      boyyy old people are annoyin like little raisons

    • profile image

      hello 5 years ago

      ha ha orsm jokes

    • seomarketing30day profile image

      seomarketing30day 5 years ago

      you made me happy again. Great joke! haha

    • coolcajunguy profile image

      coolcajunguy 5 years ago from Kenner

      Great site dude I Really like the jokes and i will be back.

    • mythbuster profile image

      mythbuster 5 years ago from Utopia, Oz, You Decide

      "She got into the back seat by mistake..." I really liked this one! Excellent. Thanks for the chuckles, livelonger! :)

    • profile image

      geogicalmember 5 years ago

      didn't read all of them but the one's i read are funny! lol

      i read down to tools of the trade

      lol

    • sen.sush23 profile image

      Sushmita 5 years ago from Kolkata, India

      I was on to read your latest serious Hub when I just stumbled upon this. LOL. Got to share it with my friends. :)

    • profile image

      SashaSexy 5 years ago

      they r aswome and the 1st 1 is my fav.

    • Robie Benve profile image

      Robie Benve 5 years ago from Ohio

      Funny! I had to share it with my fb friends. :)

    • profile image

      cant tell 5 years ago

      i am all over the place now i just cant stop laughin!! 1st one is my fave

    • profile image

      Ausseye 5 years ago

      Love a joker and this hub is full of them...great site but if we add age could be an old sight....Ausseye

    • Anjo Bacarisas II profile image

      Anjo Bacarisas II 4 years ago from Cagayan de Oro, Philippines

      wew.. that was funny! jokes are not going older.. it remains funny all the way... like your hub..somuch

    • profile image

      nikashi_designs 3 years ago

      The perfect end to a long day...very funny indeed, and most I have not heard before. Take care.

    • profile image

      Alice Ann Day 3 years ago

      These are great. I promise I'm not plagiarizing them. But I do want to steal them to tell my friends. Hope you don't mind? I know, that was a contradiction in itself, but how can we not share this humour.!!!

    • livelonger profile image
      Author

      Jason Menayan 3 years ago from San Francisco

      Go right ahead - jokes were meant to be shared. :)

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