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Old people jokes
Could you speak up?
Three old guys, all hard of hearing, were playing golf one sunny spring morning. One says to another, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man answers, "it's Thursday." The third guy, listening in, pipes up, "So am I! Let's grab a beer."
Three absent-minded sisters
Three sisters, aged 81, 83 and 85, live together. One night the 85 year old draws a bath for herself. As she sticks her foot in, she pauses. She yells to her sisters downstairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 83 year old shouts back loudly, "I don't know. Let me come up there and see." She begins walking up the stairs, but then pauses . She yells to her sisters "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 81 year old is sitting in the living room, enjoying some tea. She listens to her sisters, shakes her head and mutters to herself, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful. Knock on wood." She then turns and shouts, "I'll come up there and help both of you as soon as I see who's knocking at the door."
Two elderly ladies, Ethel and Martha, had been the best of friends for over 50 years. Over the decades they had spent together, they had worked together, lived next door to each other, and even vacationed together with their husbands. In their golden years, they would meet every afternoon to play cards.
One day, as they were wrapping up a game of pinochle, Ethel looks at Martha sheepishly and says , "Now please don't get angry with me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't seem to remember your name! I've been wracking my brain for the past hour but it still escapes me. Please remind a forgetful old lady!"
Martha glares angrily at her. For five minutes, she doesn't speak, only giving her friend stares of disappointment. Finally, Martha asks, "How soon do you need to know?"
Behind the wheel
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang. Picking up, he heard his wife, her voice high with anxiety, warn him, "Henry, I just saw on the news that there's a car driving the wrong way on Highway 880. Please be careful!"
"One?" replied Henry, "You've got to be kidding me. I see at least a hundred!"
Two elderly women, Mildred and Hazel, were out driving in a large car, barely able to see over the dashboard.
As they're driving along to the grocery store, they approach an intersection. The light is red, but Mildred just drives on through, not hesitating for a second. Bewildered, Hazel thinks to herself "I must be losing it. I could've sworn we just drove through a red light."
A few minutes later, they come up to another red light. Again, Mildred drives right on through. Hazel is alarmed, but is still not sure if she's imagining things. At the next intersection, however, Mildred drives through another red light, prompting Hazel to turn to her friend. "Mildred, are you aware that we just ran through three red lights in a row?"
Mildred replies: "You know, I noticed that too!"
Hazel, flabbergasted, stammers, "You could have gotten us both killed!"
Mildred turns to her slowly, and says, "Me?! I thought you were driving!"
A retired woman calls 911 on her cellphone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cries.
The dispatcher replies reassuringly, "Don't worry, ma'am. An officer is on his way."
A few minutes later, the dispatched officer calls in. "Disregard." He says. "She got into the back seat by mistake."
Puzzled, the man says, "Lucky lady! Well, then why are you crying?" Wiping tears off her cheeks, she replies, "For lunch, he makes me my favorite -- homemade tomato soup and a grilled cheese -- and then he makes love to me all afternoon long."
Still confused, the man asks, "That sounds wonderful. What could possibly make you so sad?" Between gasps for air, she replies, "For dinner he take me out to finest restaurants, pays for everything, and then takes me home to a night of unbelievable lovemaking."
Exasperated, the man asks, "Well, why on earth are you crying?" With a look of utter despair, the lady bawls, "I can't remember where I live!"
Tools of the trade
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Marjorie notices something peculiar about Mabel's ear and says, '"Mabel, why on earth do you have a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel, surprised, replies, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulls it out and stares at it for a moment. Blushing, she replies, "Marj, sweetheart, thanks for letting me know. Now I think I know where to find my missing hearing aid."
The Church Organist
Eighty-three year old Clara Miller was a church organist, and had never been married. She was adored by her congregation for her sweet, if innocent, demeanor.
The church deacon came to visit her one afternoon, and she brought him him into her living room to enjoy some tea and cookies.
He looked around the room and his eyes fell on her old pump organ. The deacon noticed a glass bowl filled with water sitting on it. Getting up from his seat to have a closer look, he was shocked to see a condom floating in it.
Stunned, he stumbled back to his seat as Clara returned with the tea and cookies.
For a few minutes, they chit-chatted, but the deacon had trouble getting his mind off the condom floating in the glass bowl. Finally, his curiosity got the best of him and he asked.
"Miss Miller, I was wondering if you could tell me a little about this...", said the deacon, and he pointed to the bowl.
Clara beamed. "Isn't it wonderful? I was strolling through the park a couple of months ago, and I found a little foil packet on a bench. It instructed to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent disease. And wouldn't you know, I haven't had a cold or flu since."
Ice cream parlor
A small, elderly man slowly shuffled into an ice cream parlor and carefully pulled himself onto a stool at the counter, wincing the whole time.
After a moment of catching his breath and wiping his brow, he ordered a hot fudge sundae.
Writing down his order, the waitress asked, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he breathed wearily. "Rheumatism."
Morty, Simon and Jack were discussing their daily health woes.
Morty sighs and says, "I hate having to try to pee in the morning. I'll sit on the toilet for hours and all I can manage is a slow dribble. It's torture."
Simon shakes his head, and says, "I have it worse. I sit on the pot for hours hoping for a BM. It's agonizing."
Jack turns up his lips, and says, "You two think you have it bad? I never have those kinds of trouble. I've relieved myself completely by 8 o'clock every morning."
Morty and Simon look at each incredulously and turn to Jack. "What on earth are you complaining about, then?!" they ask.
"I don't wake up until 9!"
An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a teenager with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow, green, orange, and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared at him.
The boy says scornfully, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"
The old man sighs and replies, "Well yes, actually, I have. I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."