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Once upon a time, Totally

Updated on April 5, 2012

Hell yeah.

Once upon a time there was a fucking, like a, kingdom I guess and it was all magical and shit. It had dragons and all that bullshit. God damnit man, it was a fucking trip.

There was this king and he had a son. His son was a total badass. One day the King was all, “Shit! There’s a dragon and he’s fucking up all our shit! Get the prince.”

Oh yeah, the prince was also a knight. He had this sword that was all, ‘Whoa’ and like, ‘God damn!’

The prince was dicking around with his horse. “Oh, man. This horse is the shit!” He combed his horse for like ten minutes.

“Hey, asshole.” The King’s messenger said. “The King wants you.”

“I’m fucking busy.” The prince exclaimed, totally thinking about banging his horse.

“You better go.” The messenger said.

The prince lunged at the messenger and like totally fucking killed him. Looking down at the bloody corpse he was like, “…Fine. I will.”

When the prince got there he was like, “What the shit? I was …” He turned towards the audience with a sly look, “Horsing around.”

Everybody lost their shit. Oh man they were laughing like crazy. “Oh shit son!” exclaimed the royal chancellor.

“Shut the fuck up!” The king boomed with authority. The audience immediately got their shit together.

“All right son, listen.” The king said. “There’s a god damn dragon out there and he’s fucking up all of our shit.”

“Oh my god!” The prince screamed. “No way!”

“Yeah, it’s pretty bad.”

“I’ll go chop its motherfucking head off!” The prince yelled.

“Hell the fuck yeah!” The King screamed as loud as he could, as he head-butted the wall.

The crowd went ape-shit! “Oh, man shit’s going down!” The royal chancellor shouted.


So the prince went off. After awhile he ran into this guy. This guy was like, “Hey aren’t you the prince?”

The prince was like, “You bet your ass!”

“Oh shit that’s crazy!” The dude yelled. “I’m going off to kill that dragon that’s been fucking up all the kingdoms shit!”

“Oh, man that’s perfect.” The prince shouted. “Come with me and together we can totally beat the shit out of it!”

The guy punched a passing farmer right in the stomach and then cut off his own ear. “I’m fucking psyched as hell!”

“Let’s go get drunk!”


Later on, like a couple days later or something, the two guys were drunk as hell, naked and sitting on a dead grizzly bear.

“That was crazy!” The guy who wasn’t the prince said.

“Oh yeah what’s your name?” The prince asked.


Anyway they kept travelling along for awhile. It was totally extreme.

“Holy fuck, that’s a wizard!” Steve yelled pointing to a wizard.

“Hey, I’m a wizard.” The wizard said.

“Oh, shit, I think this guy’s a wizard.” The prince said.

“I am a wizard.”

“Kill the wizard!” Steve yelled.

The wizard turned Steve into a frog and then turned him back.

“Oh shit…” The prince said. “Dude, this guy’s a wizard.”

“Yeah, I’m a wizard.”

Steve was totally freaked out from being a frog briefly.

“I’ll pay you like twenty million gold…dollars… or whatever, if you come and help kill the dragon.” The prince said.

The wizard nodded. “Yeah, ok.”

“Holy shit, man.” Steve said, suddenly backing up a little. “I Think this guys a wizard!”

“Where!?” The prince exclaimed drawing his sword.


Oh, man there was like this elf standing in the road. He was like covered in a totally gay dress type cloak thing and he was all shiny and shit. His ears were pointy as hell.

“Yo, check out that fucking Elf.” The Wizard said. “Look at his gay ass dress.”

“Dude, you’re wearing a dress too.” Steve said.

“These are Wizards robes, dickface.” The Wizard said.

“More like fag’s robes.” The prince said.

The royal chancellor happened to be walking by and he was like, “Oh shit!”

The prince and Steve had a total bonding moment and slapped each other a super righteous high-five.

“We’re best friends now!” The Prince exclaimed. Then he chugged a whole bottle of tequila and smashed the empty glass on his head.


“Hey you guys wanna do some cocaine?” The elf asked, butting in.

The prince stepped boldly forward, drawing his mighty blade and raising it to the sky. His eyes blazed with royal fervor and he proclaimed, “…Yes.”


The Elf did a line of elf-cocaine and threw his head back. “God damn!” he yelled.

“Wooooooahhhhhh.” The Prince said. The room was like totally fucking spinning.

“He’s fucking zooted dude!” Steve yelled.


“WOAH!” The Wizard yelled, injecting amphetamines into his eyeball and shooting a gun into a passing horse.

“WOAH!” Steve yelled.

“WOAAAAAAAAHHHHH!” Everyone yelled.


So off they went to find the dragon. Some crazy shit happened on the way. Oh, man it was so crazy. You wouldn’t believe this shit. Oh man. Damn it was so nuts.

“Holy shit, there’s the dragon!” Steve yelled.

The Wizard was gnashing his teeth and licking his lips like crazy, because he was totally tweaking. He fired a green ball of energy at the dragon but it missed and totally fucking killed a family of five.

“Shit yeah!” The prince yelled.

“Charge!” The elf yelled.

The four heroes ran with absolute abandon towards the scaly beast. The wizard shot another energy blast and actually hit the dragon, who turned around and looked at the charging maniacs.

“What the hell?” The dragon said.

“Shazam!” The prince yelled swiping with his sword, tripping and falling over with a deafening clang.

Steve tried shooting the dragon in the heart with his bow, but he didn’t really know how to use a bow and he accidently impregnated a sheep.

The dragon bent down and examined the mess. The elf had long since fallen asleep.

“You guys are wasted.” The dragon said.

“Fuck you!” The prince slurred and started laughing which quickly turned into a crying jag before he composed himself and stood up.

“What do you dicks want?” The dragon boomed.

“Justice!” The prince yelled. He tried to stab the dragon but his sword just snapped in half on the dragon’s armored wing.

The dragon sighed and quickly bit the prince in half killing him instantly.

“Holy shit!” Steve exclaimed.

“Any of you other dickbags want some?” The dragon bellowed angrily.

“No, we’re cool.” The wizard said, backing away. “I’m a wizard.”

Steve also started walking away. “I’m gonna be a father to some sheep kids. I can’t be messing around.”

The elf was still asleep.

“Fuck off then.” The dragon yelled.

They fucked off.

Thus ends our glorious tale.



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    • CriticalMessage profile image

      Murphy 5 years ago from Chicagoland, Illinois

      Following Sandwiches crumbs... This was Awesome and provided me my 1st laugh of the day... And it was a good one !!! Voted up & Awesome!

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile image

      ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada


      This was an awesome surprise to come across! Great job!


    • dpsimswm profile image

      dpsimswm 5 years ago from Richmond, Virginia

      Keep up the writing. Really enjoying it.

    • DanielBing1 profile image

      DanielBing1 6 years ago from New Hampshire

      In my experience, yes.

    • snigdhal profile image

      snigdhal 6 years ago from hyderabad - India

      So drugs are gonna either kill u, maim u, make u a father of sheep children or a murderer ... except of course if you are an elf in which case give u pretty dreams .. keep on writing :)

    • efeyas profile image

      Elizabeth 6 years ago from Some Sunny Beach, USA

      LOL Hilarious!

    • Horatio Plot profile image

      Horatio Plot 6 years ago from Bedfordshire, England.

      HaHa! This really made me laugh. Shouldn't have, but it did. Kinda like Shrek on speed.