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One Bite Too Many

Updated on May 31, 2011

When Will I Learn ?

The weather turned nice in the 80's

It was sunny and beautiful

I tried to do some yard work without the bugs knowing I was even there

It started off good

I didn't feel like using a bug spray like Off

The less chemicals the better (what a thought)

No I think I was just too lazy to get it

I had a few plans in my head and soon as I was outside I wanted to get them done

What would it take to go in and spray myself all over

Maybe five minutes tops

Even though the thought crossed my mind a couple of times i wasn't going in

Then when I went in to use the bathroom do you think I remembered

The answer is no

The sun was beating down on my face

Where is my suntan lotion ?

Under the kitchen sink where it sat all winter left untouched

I was just an all around rebel today

It was the first hot day and I wasn't going to be out in the sun very long

Sometimes I spray myself down with off and put suntan lotion on and the sun goes in and next my wife calls me to go with her to the store or something

I got all prepared for the weather and the my fierce enemy the bugs

Then my plans have been changed

Today she left me alone to play

She went to buy some perrenials for the yard

So as the day went on my face turned as red as a lobster

Anyone for a lobster special ?

Now I am adding up my bites like a girl at the register would count pennies

Six or seven at last count

I could have prevented all this

I should have

I could have

But didn't

So later as I limped in from twisting my knee and my stomach all sore from reaching

My hands still cramping from pulling up the weeds

They are still tightning and contracting even though I stop pulling out weeds a half an hour ago

I nice hot shower always makes me feel better

Now the bite marks are more like battle scars that show my tremendous effort

I wear them with pride like a soldier would wear the medals on his chest

The only difference is I couldn't wait to cover them with hydrocortisone cream to stop the itch

I forgot to tell you I have a firepit that when it turned dark I had to light

So I gathered twigs and an old piece of card board and a few leaves

Then I got one of those long lighters in the house

The flame started then went out

I lit it again adding used paper towels from the house to make the flame

It lit and sparked and out again

I am no boyscout and I can't light a fire if my survival depended on it

So I added this time an old gasoline rag on the bottom from a lawn mower that leaks

That's another story

For sure it will light now


Occasionally there was a little breeze that is suppose to help the fire ignite

It put my fire out

No smoke

I am not joking

I am so glad I am not an indian sending smoke signals

I would be doomed for sure

As my wife comes out with supper

She asked if I wanted to eat outside or in the house

Outside of course without a hesitation

This is where I want to be out in the fresh air and looking at the view

Where you can see the mountains in a distance

She asked me that logical question

Did you start a fire ?

I thought do I have to answer

It was too quiet the bugs weren't even making noise

I sadly said no

I was having some difficulty but I haven't given up yet

I needed some food for thought

As we ate and the bugs were relentless

My wife came to her senses and said I am going in

I am getting eatin alive

By this time I had already hurried in the house and grabbed the bedroom barrel filled with old kleenex

This will work

We have had a lot of rain lately so even though the sticks and now branches that I put in the firepit seemed dry maybe they were wet inside

That was my expert opinion

Yes we have a flame

A little one about the size of a quarter

You would miss it if you blinked

Then it grew to a below average flame at best

But I didn't care I actually got it lit

So my wife said the bugs shouldn't come near the flame

I said nope with confidence

After five minutes my wife left and said she was still getting bit

Apparently the bugs didn't see the fire either

So after seconds of deliberation if I should try to nurse the fire to a descent size

I decided to go in too

Another day another time I will try again

Back to my half eaten body and all my bug bites

Now after careful examination

I looked more like a road map and all the bug bites were the pins stuck in me

To highlight the 30 or so points of interest

The night went without a hitch

Time for bed and a few occasional itches

Then I did the worst thing

I closed my eyes and tried to sleep

The bug bites now became a flaming inferno and I was in the center

Each one itched as if they were playing musical notes one after another in harmony with each other

I would scratch one then seconds later another then another

They would rotate then change the order

I wanted to put more cream on them but scratching them felt so good

Truth is I was too lazy to lift my body out of bed

So I suffered through the night

Only to awake suddenly after two hours of dreadful sleep

With both my kittens claws in my left foot

The only place I haven't scratched

Leaping out of bed and claiming sleep a total disaster

I went to finish what I started hours ago

This time dipping my whole body in the Hydrocortisone cream from head to toe

Like ice cream covered in chocolate sauce

Not missing one spot

This is where I stand as daylight breaks

One warrior who has been attacked numerous times during the night

Should I go outside and put my life in my own hands once again

Don't rush me I am still thinking

I will eat and think it over

Hope you have a bug free day

Remember if your going outside use any spray that will keep the bugs away

Be smart and use suntan lotion to protect yourself

It is always your fault when you change the color of your skin to firehouse red


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    • DREAM ON profile imageAUTHOR

      DREAM ON 

      7 years ago

      Dim Flaxenwick I am so happy I am still living to talk about it.Those few days of non stop itching and worse those bites that didn't want to heal.Ahhhh sleep at last.Hope you had a wonderful Memorial Day weekend.

    • Dim Flaxenwick profile image

      Dim Flaxenwick 

      7 years ago from Great Britain

      Oh you poor thing.... l´m afraid l just had to rate it up and FUNNY.

      It´s the way you tell the story.

      Hope you are healing.

    • DREAM ON profile imageAUTHOR

      DREAM ON 

      7 years ago

      Truckstop Sally How quickly we realize how tiny we really are.Thanx and take care and enjoy the Memorial Day Weekend.

    • Truckstop Sally profile image

      Truckstop Sally 

      7 years ago

      We all think we are invincible! Been there, and I am sure I will again. But thanks for the reminders.

    • DREAM ON profile imageAUTHOR

      DREAM ON 

      7 years ago

      Fiddleman Yardguard and Outdoor Defogger became my new next door neighbors.Kill all those pesky insects dead.Thanx and have a nice Memorial Day weekend.

    • profile image


      7 years ago

      Derned old mosquitoes.


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