Only some words
I sit and ponder about what I am, who I have become. Where is my heart and mind been and where will they end up. Will things be right at the end? I sit and think and contemplate at these hands and what have they done. At these eyes and what have they reflected in this lifetime? Now that I am a little older and you could say a little wiser I think only of what I have done different. I feel like nothing is worth it anymore but only one thing still keeps me here and that is a pure love. Only one thing in this world that hasn't allowed me to go to the other world has been suffering without me. But what kind of person will I be seen in her eyes? What will she think of me? What could I have done different to make things better? This life of mine is almost done and I would like to leave my girl a heritage something she will be proud off. But there really isn't anything I could give her. Money, things, or love I have failed to give.
My story is like any other human on this earth, I am born gone through life and now death. Seems like a cruel cycle to go through since everything is just painful to humans. The things that sometimes tie you down and skin you alive the pain of mistakes. The anger, the hatred for things that are only there to hurt you and the ones that you love have been a downfall for all humans. And yet again we sometimes hurt those that we have pledge to protect and take care off. I was born in a small town in the East coast of this country. A small community where there was a sense of helpful and loving feelings. Every person was always there to help their fellow man and smiles were seeing in every corner.
But like every other town it had its dark secrets and down falls, it was not perfect but it was a place to live in peace. My father was a hard working individual at a coal mine and my mother was a loving housewife. My parents had met in a town nearby and had decided to start their life in this town that they thought would be a nice place to raise their two children, my brother Jim and myself. I remember the news when my father had died in the coal mine accident and several others were victims of that dark prison. It was a somber and lonely day for my family and for mother it was like a stab in the heart. The blade soaked in burning acid and right through her poor heart. After that my mother would struggle with us and also in making a living. Jim and I were not trouble makers but the boys we would hang out with would have an influence on us.
That is where I would learn my destiny in a way. Mother after two years of my father's death married a "successful" business man, but I really doubt he was "successful". I remember an incident when I was only fourteen years old and Jim was sixteen, he had been drinking and was drunk. He came home and started to hit my mother for no reason, Jim tried to defend mother but was without success. He grabbed Jim by the throat and tossed him like a ragged doll, mother could only see helplessly how he started to slap Jim after he was on the floor. I tried as well to defend Jim but was slapped as well.
Then he started to beat mother until he was tired and left to bed. Nights like those turned me to drugs and alcohol to try to erase those images of suffering. Those images where mother was beating over and over again like if she were just a worthless piece of material on this earth have been in my mind. Then the times he would force himself on her and her tears soaking the floor only to make a sea of sorrow. She would only be worried about Jim and I seeing and being affected by all this. Jim soon turned to drugs and would leave home not to bear the pain. He was the one that showed me about weed just to have feeling and get through.
As Jim and I began high school we were introduced to kids that would help us get our fix. That was our family our group of friends that would be there with our medicine to help us. My second year of high school I met a girl named Veronica who would be there for me and tried to be my rock. I loved her with all heart but soon after a year I did something that would make her leave me. I soon turned to much stronger drugs, like coke or heroine, any drug you could think off I introduce into my body.
Just the feeling of ecstasy that would create in me was the whole world to me. Jim eventually ran away from home and I myself was anxious to get out as well. By this time mother had left us with this man that she thought would take care of us and love us. All were lies on his part and poor mother fell for them, but I don't blame her for leaving us. After all it's not like Jim and I were saints we would often rebel and disobey her and blame her for our suffering.
I left home as well started my own life. I would work jobs that were hard labor and not make so much and would spend it on drugs, alcohol and women. I was living life fast and all I wanted was to crash and burn as fast as I could. One day I met a girl that understood what I had gone through because she had as well gone through something similar. Her name was Janice, she was so beautiful so funny, and everything about her was perfect. Yet again I was young and she was too. We would spend time every day talk about things and have our fantasies of traveling and exploring together.
By this time I was trying to be sober and not touch any substance that would harm me. I suddenly had love and warmth in my life just like those summer times when father would be with us and we would enjoy a day together as a family. Janice wanted to start a family together but I had no good job. I struggled from job to job just to try to make it by to survive and fight for that beautiful dream. That fantasy that included Janice and me to forma happy family. Soon the news that Janice was expecting hit me and of course I had mixed emotions on the matter. What type of father would I be for my child? Was I the right person for this job? What can I give to this child? Would things be alright? How will Janice and I do this?
Our child was born we named her Maggie, she was like an angel from heaven. So delicate and beautiful she was and she would become the center of my life. But my demons came back to haunt me soon enough. The pressure of having a job and supporting my family and Janice constant demands for me to be man drove me to the edge. Since I had never been through all this I started to break under all this pressure. The constant fights with Janice and the stress of keeping a roof over our head soon took a toll.
Also learning that Jim had died of an overdose made things worse for me. That is when I started using again, that rush that feeling of being alive, all felt good. But Janice would find out that I was using again. That is why Janice would take my Maggie and leave. I could not blame Janice; I was being the same as that man that my mother had married after father's death.
My hatred for the drugs started but the addiction was strong, several occasions I tried to quit. The constant failures that I had made me feel lower than dirt and soon I would forget about my family. I would roam the streets looking for anything that would give me that rush again. I knew where Janice was living but had the shame of trying to knock on her door. I stilled loved her but I had become unfit for the role of a husband and father. All I did was to pay her with hurtful words and actions that haunt me to this very day.
I felt hatred and anger for myself of what I had become. It seems that that saying "monkey see, monkey do" was right. Because it was like if I was copying that man that mother married. On several opportunities I contemplated suicide because it was the only thing that would work. I had done so many bad things that I decided to end it, to be my own judge and jury and my sentence was death. But one of those several times I contemplated and caress the idea I would think about you. And only you would be the person to keep me around, my little Maggie. What can I give you? What is it that I am here for? Nothing but pain and suffering have I brought to you and your mother.
I wish that things would be different and that if I could change things I would. Because I love you and I would have wanted to show you and giving you that love even though I would not be able to give you money or things. I would offer you my poor heart and give you my most valuable thing in this world, my time. Now that I am here just thinking, pondering on things. I see that humans are here for one thing and one thing alone. That is to love and show that love to the ones they care about.
Soon I will not be here anymore and I hope that your mother will give you this letter to show you that I would like to redeem myself for all the suffering I have caused you. I have this incurable disease but still I do not want you or your mother to see me like this but I would like to convey these words to you. Because even though I wasn't there and I did nothing but bring you pain but I love you.
My demons and weaknesses got the best of me, which I would've liked to have given you the best of my love. I only have some words for you because I couldn't give you anything else but this. If there any words of wisdom I would pass on to you is to love those around you and be careful of the things you do. Love should be the only drug you should be on and nothing else.
May 26, 2013