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Onus-ipedia dictionary of religious terms

Updated on October 14, 2012

Welcome to the Onus-ipedia dictionary. We at Oni-pedia realize that the category of religious terms comes with a wide variety of definitions and sayings, however because there are endless definitions which can be touched on this particular subject the editors feel it is nessicary to continue with the publication of this dictionary by which we will be continually adding updates to our list of words. The staff at Oni-pedia have worked tirelessly to conduct scientific reaserch using top ranked essayists, and linguists who are credited experts in the field of biblical studies in the forms of Hebrew, Aramaic, Sanskrit, Pig Latin, regular Latin, Greek, and Swahili. We hope that these definitions will be usefull in your day to day scripture study so that all who read will be able to readily understand the scriptures to the best of their ability. Enjoy, and may you not burn in Hell forever, unless you disagree with me in the slightest. 

Angel, [eyn-juhl] noun- 1) A heavenly being whose naked silhouette is often seen on the backs of low rider vehicles in opposition to naked devil women.

apocalypse, [uh-pok-uh-lips] Noun- 1) an event which is commonly depicted as a catastrophic global infestation of the undead.

Baptism, [bap-tiz-uhm] noun- 1) The only time that the priest gets to hold a member of his congregation under water for ten seconds, which is the real act of faith.

Conservative, [kuhn-sur-vuh-tiv] adjective- 1) Emphasise on the need for the retention of moral values in socioty. 2) An ideology which is congruent with God's. noun- 3) A saint, comprable to biblical apostles.

Ironic
Ironic

Cross, Noun- 1) A symbol commonly worn by the Christian community which expresses their beliefs in the crucifixion of Jesus. 2) a form of protection against sin. Big, plastic, fake boobies, slutty, slutty sin......

Now stop staring.

Easter [ee-ster] noun-A tradition commonly held by the Christian community commemorating the day that an egg laying bunny rabbit was crucified by the ancient Romans. 2) A cover up for some pagan holiday. 3) Look, I don't give a crap what you think, Jesus rose from the dead so kiss my butt.

God noun- 1) The good guy.

Grace. [greys] verb- 1) The fact that you don't deserve to get into heaven but God's going to let you in anyway.

Heaven, [hev-uhn] noun- 1) the final resting place of the departed spirits of devout Christians, other people who are basically good but don't believe in Jesus get to be their bathroom attendants

Hell, noun- 1) The final resting place of all liberals

Hypocrite, [hip-uh-krit] noun- 1) one who's life is in opposition to his or her beliefs. 3) crazed maniacs who go around yelling at you and telling you what to do all the time, but never can do themselves. 3) Military drill instructors. 4) My boss.

Judgment, [juhj-muh nt] Noun, 1) An event which takes place when God has randomly picked several people of conflicting religious denominations to gather together to point out why the other is going to Hell. 2) The thought that one is the ultimate authority on the bible, thus assuming that no one else knows how to read.

Personal revelation, Noun- 1) The belief that all truths are revealed to the individual, thus making everyone else wrong about every form of thought wether it be religious, philosophical, scientific, or social. 2) Based on scientific fact only one person can receive personal revelations at a time, that person being me.

Satan noun- 1) The bad guy.

Saved, verb- 1) The preconceived notion that one has already received a free ticket to heaven.

So-called Christian, Noun- 1) One who's beliefs in a Messiah are inconsistent with the mainstream ideology of traditional Christian orthodoxy. 2) Someone who's religious practices are viewed by mainstream Christianity as being unworthy of being a real Christian. 3) Me

Sodomy, Adjective- 1) Ewwwwwwww.....

Tribulation, [trib-yuh-ley-shuhn] noun- 1) Hardship-There are commonly three sets of beliefs concerning the tribulation and the rapture, that being; Pre-, Mid-, and Post- tribulation raptures however none of these methods of thought have anything to do with the eternal salvation of Mankind.

Witnessing, Adjective- 1) The act of lovingly declaring to others their fate of eternal hellfire. note- This particular practice is commonly expressed by fanatics to people who according to biblical standards are not in any such danger.

biographical entries

Adam, [ad-uhm] 1) The one formed from out of the ground. 2) The first man ever, and don't give me any junk about cavemen.

David, [dey-vid] 1) The prophet who killed Goliath. 2) For some reason a lot of people like to mold naked sculptures of him. Come on, It couldn't have been that small!!

Elijah [ih-lahy-juh] 1) Elijah may have been overly sensitive about his male pattern baldness as he sent some she bears to kill 42 children who were making cracks about it. 2) On another topic he was much like the the peanuts character "Linus", Elijah had a really cool blanket, (mantel) that could part water. 3) Unlike Linus, Elijah gave his blanket to his successor Elisha, and we all know Linus would never be capable of parting with his beloved blanket. Hence Elijah was a great prophet, while Linus was merely a loveable character in a Jim Schultz cartoon.

Ezekiel [ih-zee-kee-uhl] 1) Had several visions which if we didn't know any better one might assume that he came into contact with some powerful psychadellic drugs 2) The biblical prophet who ran around naked for several years.

John [jon] "the revelator" 1) John wrote four books in the new testament, the last one being the book of revelations where God shows him hands down the craziest stuff ever conceived in the history of crazy visions. I wonder if he cried himself to sleep every night for the rest of his life after seeing that stuff.

Moses [moh-zis] 1) The great law giver 2) Star of the film, "the ten commandments." 3) If you get to heaven and he doesn't look like Charelton Heston it is most likely an imposter.

 

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    • Onusonus profile image
      Author

      Onusonus 6 years ago from washington

      Hey! Right on, I never get this much traffic!

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      Baileybear 6 years ago

      ha ha - classic!!

    • tonymac04 profile image

      Tony McGregor 6 years ago from South Africa

      Very funny Loved it!

      Love and peace

      Tony

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      This is true genius, I loved it, the dry humour was perfect. I am an instant fan :)

    • IntimatEvolution profile image

      Julie Grimes 6 years ago from Columbia, MO USA

      I'm going to post a link to this hub in the forums. They are talking about the bible. I think every bible reader should read these to help lighten the load. Great hub. I sent it out to my 340+ followers and to my tweets.

    • Onusonus profile image
      Author

      Onusonus 6 years ago from washington

      Hey thanks! I thought my humor might have been a tad too dry.

    • Lady Guinevere profile image

      Debra Allen 6 years ago from West By God

      LOL LOL LOL LOL!! These are great!!!

    • IntimatEvolution profile image

      Julie Grimes 6 years ago from Columbia, MO USA

      omg!!! This is such a terrific, funny, and well written hub! Kudos to you. I loved it.

    • Onusonus profile image
      Author

      Onusonus 7 years ago from washington

      Thanks for reading everyone! Einron, they are actually girls. I wound up with four of them. I guess the joke's on me!

    • eovery profile image

      eovery 7 years ago from MIddle of the Boondocks of Iowa

      This is funny. Great stuff.

      Keep on hubbing!

    • einron profile image

      einron 7 years ago from Toronto, Ontario, CANADA

      Thanks for the free dictionary. Your two boys are really cute.