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Open Letter To My Future Husband

Updated on December 24, 2016

Dear Future Husband

Before I proceed I must give you fair warning that you will not be my first husband. Or second. But will be my third. Possibly the third time's a charm? Or possibly not.

I must also give you fair warning that both of my prior husbands are deceased. Before you jump to conclusions - I did not kill either of them, though at times they did piss me off to the point that I considered killing them, yet I opted out due to the fact that I am not in favor of confinement. Prison just ain't my thing. I will add that if those two fine fellows were alive today they would thoroughly enjoy reading my open letter to husband number three.

One more warning, hey - honesty is the best policy! So here we go...I am a stubborn, persuasive, opinionated woman who does not like to lose and prefers to have the final word. If you are a stubborn, persuasive, opinionated man who doesn't like to lose and prefers to have the final word we may bicker often. But that could work in our favor cause y'all know make up sex could be amazing! Or maybe not.

Don't Run Off Yet! The Best Is Yet To Come

Hello...are you still there? If so, kudos to you! I salute you. I believe that due to my hyperactive nature not many men exist that could keep up with me. Sure, they might say, "Ha! Are you kidding, she ain't my first rodeo, I could lasso this lady and tame her down." Think again cowboy, ain't nobody tamed me down yet. Unless you got some super secret that others lack. If so, bring it on!

I am of short stature. Some people have to keep growing until they are perfect, not me. At 5'1, that was more than enough. I am 53 years old. How I made it to 53, I have no earthly idea, but I am still here, so YAY for you.

I require a potential suitor that would range in age from 50 - 64 years old. Not 65, since we would have to marry prior to your 65th birthday so that in case you drop dead and your social security income is higher than my first or second husbands, then I will pick yours. Again, YAY for you. Oh, wait...YAY for me. Maybe.

No need to apply if you are younger or older than that range, I ain't got no time for games...the clock is ticking, not to make a baby, we could agree that shit ain't gonna happen, but practice is an option. The clock is ticking for one foot in the grave, to be blunt...we ain't gettin' no younger and I ain't no spring chicken. We are talking mid-life here! Sure 50 is the new 40. 60 is the new 50. 70 is the new 60. Come on people, who the heck are we fooling? I suppose 100 is the new 90. If so, high fives to y'all, keep on doing what you're doing because obviously you are doing something right. Or wrong. I long ago decided that once my body parts start heading south I am ready to call it a life. Once again, I ain't got no time for that.

Online Dating Ain't My Thing

So, here's the deal. My loving friends suggested it's time for me to wrangle up a man. I often remind them that this woman don't need no man, but there are men who need this woman. Why? Because you best believe that you will thank your lucky stars every damn day if you were able to call dibs on me.

My loving friends also suggested that I join a dating site. A WHO? A WHAT? Listen up folks, I appreciate the kind gesture, but this woman don't do dating sites. I am not saying that I am too good for a dating site, what I am saying is that I don't want some dude to be shopping for me online. I ain't no damn hunting or fishing gear! In addition dating sites don't issue refunds and chances are you might request one.

Heads up! I have a tendency to talk...a lot. Not idle chit chat, I like conversations with substance. If you are one of those "men of few words" who just prefer to nod your damn head in agreement as I do that chit chatting, well just back that truck up now and keep on moving because once again I ain't got time for that.

I am an extrovert. When I walk into a room, I make noise and before you know it I am gone, but trust me when I walk away I leave behind a whole lotta memories. I am the type of person who is remembered after just one moment of meeting me. Now, I am not loud in the annoying kind of way...oh crap, yes I am. Busted!

I do have introvert tendencies too. Days when I just want to be left the heck alone. And when I have my earbuds on DO NOT BOTHER me. That is ME TIME. Me and my music and no one comes between me and the love of my life - country music. So, if you don't like country, well then you are shit outta luck cause this woman is looking for a cowboy in hat and boots to sweep her away. Horses are optional. If you ain't no cowboy then once again I suggest you mosey on along cause you are not about to prosper, this mid-life filly ain't for you.

Source

Someone Might Be Gettin' Lucky

My longest relationship was with a cowboy. Tim McGraw. Oh hell, don't be telling me the 23 years that I invested as a fan has not been a relationship because I beg to differ and I'll differ again. Remember I get the last word! It's a fact that both of my marriages lasted exactly 12 years each. That was not planned.

My first husband was a searcher, was always searching for something, actually he died due to searching. My second husband died after a lengthy battle with cancer. He fought like hell to live, didn't want to leave me. But in the end my lawnmower outlived both marriages, but not my relationship with Tim McGraw.

On the flip side, both of my husbands were my bosses. Yep, I am the one who slept her way to the top! So, if you are considering a date with this woman, but you are still reluctant I suggest you hire me and see if you could also score.

Would You Write an Open Letter to Your Future Mate?

See results

Sugar Daddy vs Splenda Daddy

FYI: I am done taking care of people. All my life I took care of others. I tended to neglect myself. Well, this chapter of my life is ALL ABOUT ME. I will not take care of you. You are a grown-ass man and this woman ain't your mama. If you haven't already figured out how to take care of yourself than I suggest you STOP READING NOW and move along. Go on now...

Still here? WOW! You are either a glutton for punishment or possibly my next husband. SLOW DOWN, cowboy! Don't plan the wedding yet. Why? Because I am not a fan of those fancy weddings. Dresses, flowers, photos, CUT THAT OUT! For me to wear a dress one must pay me good money and not expect to get lucky. OK, that's up for debate.

I do NOT cook anymore so if you wanna eat, you best know your way around the kitchen. That implies for cooking and cleaning. I will provide the entertainment. Ain't no better place to dance than barefoot in the kitchen. You cook and I entertain. This is called Teamwork. And if all goes as planned I just might help with the clean up before we team up and dance our way to other rooms in the house.

Do you think you have the potential to be my sugar daddy? Splenda daddy's will be taken into consideration. Just in case you have been living under a rock - a splenda daddy is a man who inspires to be a sugar daddy but doesn't have the funds to pull it off.

Either way if you are interested I suggest you submit an open letter to me along with 3 factual references, the cashier at your local market doesn't count, neither does your co-worker, never underestimate my power to find shit out.

I will then take your open letter into consideration. In other words, I will peel your letter apart like an onion and if you meet my approval I will then peel you apart until you beg for mercy.

I don't appreciate my time being wasted. Either you are the real deal or not. If you think you could handle this crazy ass woman then bring it on! I will provide references upon request.

So what are y'all waiting for? Did I mention that I am also a bit intimidating? Go on now...

Meghan Trainor - Dear Future Husband

Challenge Accepted

I wrote this letter as a challenge. I have successfully completed my challenge and I gave myself a few high fives along the way.

Come on y'all, someone nicknamed Sunshine can't be as difficult as my open letter states. Or could she be? I'll leave that for you to decide.

I am not looking for a third husband, but if you think you got what it takes than I would like to know if this brave man exists. I am mostly interested in his sense of humor and of course his bank account.

Now I have a challenge for y'all - help spread the word that Sunshine is seeking a suitor of the above mentioned caliber, I betcha he don't exist. Go on now...

If You Like It Then You Should Put A Ring On It

Source

Did You Ever Use an Online Dating Service?

See results

Jennifer Lopez - Ain't Your Mama

© 2016 Linda Bilyeu

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    • Sunshine625 profile image
      Author

      Linda Bilyeu 11 months ago from Orlando, FL

      Thank you, MT!

    • Minnetonka Twin profile image

      Linda Rogers 11 months ago from Minnesota

      This hub is so incredibly refreshing Linda. Better watch out, your probably gonna be overwhelmed with suitor's. Be picky, your a gem!

    • Sunshine625 profile image
      Author

      Linda Bilyeu 13 months ago from Orlando, FL

      Hi Glenn, An open book about myself could be a bit scary! Ha!

    • Glenn Stok profile image

      Glenn Stok 13 months ago from Long Island, NY

      This was hilarious! At first I didn't know what you were up to, but I could see tight through it after a while. Reading between the lines, you sure created an open book about yourself, especially about your humor.

    • annart profile image

      Ann Carr 14 months ago from SW England

      What an entertaining letter! Any decent man would be a fool not to apply, Linda! Still catching up with you all, but getting there.

      Ann

    • teaches12345 profile image

      Dianna Mendez 14 months ago

      When I think of a cowboy -- Clint Eastwood comes to mind and I know there are none out there to fit that image. I wish my hubby would wear a cowboy hat -- they look good on just about any man. Loved your humor on this post!

    • Sunshine625 profile image
      Author

      Linda Bilyeu 14 months ago from Orlando, FL

      Hi Sha! I will keep you updated, but chances are this cowboy does not exist or isn't up to the challenge due to lack of stamina. :)

    • bravewarrior profile image

      Shauna L Bowling 14 months ago from Central Florida

      What a hoot, Linda! Not only is this letter hilarious, but every word you wrote is true. At this stage of the game, who the hell has time to pull punches or play games? I hope you do a follow-up to this and let us know how many cowboys met your challenge.

    • Sunshine625 profile image
      Author

      Linda Bilyeu 14 months ago from Orlando, FL

      Effer...Do Skittles work???

      Susan and I had a challenge as to which one of us would find our cowboy first while neither of us were in a rush. Sadly, that challenge is over now that Susan has passed away. But I will continue to entertain her as she watches me from above. :)

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 14 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Hey GF.....Never into shopping around either!! In my younger days though, I was into strutting around, dropping candy along the trail behind me...and hiding in the bushes to jump out and tackle a stud muffin or two!! LOLOLOLOLOLOL.....Those days are allllllllllll behind me now! Woe is me.

    • Sunshine625 profile image
      Author

      Linda Bilyeu 14 months ago from Orlando, FL

      Way to go to your grandmother's best friend, FA! I have a few friends who found a mate via online dating, it's just not for me, I was never into shopping around.

    • FlourishAnyway profile image

      FlourishAnyway 14 months ago from USA

      I hope you get some applications. It seems everyone is online dating these days. Who knows? You could find him that way even if this doesn't work. Even my grandmother's best friend has found dates off online dating websites. Best wishes for happiness and love.

    • suzettenaples profile image

      Suzette Walker 14 months ago from Taos, NM

      Go for it, Sunshine!

    • Sunshine625 profile image
      Author

      Linda Bilyeu 14 months ago from Orlando, FL

      Soon, Audrey, soon. I am thinking I might have to go further west to lasso up this cowboy. While in Nashville I did check out the merchandise, but did not find any good sales. :)

    • vocalcoach profile image

      Audrey Hunt 14 months ago from Nashville Tn.

      Hey Linda...come on out to Nashville and we will go cowboy crazy. I'm ready to do some lookin myself . No dress needed! And the horse is optional. Lol

    • Sunshine625 profile image
      Author

      Linda Bilyeu 14 months ago from Orlando, FL

      Hey Deb! Glad you found my letter. Ha!

    • Sunshine625 profile image
      Author

      Linda Bilyeu 14 months ago from Orlando, FL

      Awe, Vellur!

    • profile image

      Deb Bailey 15 months ago

      Love it! You go girl. Hope you find your Cowboy.

    • Vellur profile image

      Nithya Venkat 15 months ago from Dubai

      Love the way you wrote the letter, you rock!

    • Sunshine625 profile image
      Author

      Linda Bilyeu 15 months ago from Orlando, FL

      I will do, Effer.

    • Thelma Alberts profile image

      Thelma Alberts 15 months ago from Germany

      hahahahahahaha.....I just can't stop laughing. This is so hilarious that I have to share it with my friends in fb. This is one of the best laugh I ever had this week. Thanks for giving me a laughter yoga.

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 15 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Ooooooooooooooooooo sounds very interesting...a 4 part series?! Suzette, you're a great investigator! GF.....keep me in the loop.

    • Sunshine625 profile image
      Author

      Linda Bilyeu 15 months ago from Orlando, FL

      Thank you for the heads up, Suzette. It's a darn good thing I am a bit intimidating, we have our work cut out for us.

    • Sunshine625 profile image
      Author

      Linda Bilyeu 15 months ago from Orlando, FL

      Unhung Hero, sounds very interesting! And no, you have never lied to me! :)

    • suzettenaples profile image

      Suzette Walker 15 months ago from Taos, NM

      Linda, yes, we need to meet up here in NM. The Taos News, the newspaper, which comes out weekly is going to do a four part series, no less, about Forrest Fenn. I feel a letter to the editor coming on. I may be busy as I don't think I can stand by and do "nothing" here.

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 15 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Let me reconfirm that I'm interested only in the wallet....................(clear my throat) However sweet SFAM of mine, "Size doesn't matter" is pure Myth. You know that, I know that and every honest woman knows it.

      That is a silly rumor, started by some pathetic little man who foolishly believed his dishonest, manipulating, drama queen girlfriend who convinced him she was leaving him for an entirely different reason......She did not want to crush his ego.

      When we grow up and kick ego to the curb.....Then we speak in truths.

      I love you. Have I ever lied to you even once??! NO!!!!!!

      Be sure to watch the video "Unhung Hero." Great flick!

    • Sunshine625 profile image
      Author

      Linda Bilyeu 15 months ago from Orlando, FL

      LOL! Effer! Kinda. Sorta. But size doesn't really matter. Hahaha!

    • Sunshine625 profile image
      Author

      Linda Bilyeu 15 months ago from Orlando, FL

      Suzette, And one day we will meet up in Taos or Santa Fe and do absolutely nothing together. Or better yet, maybe we could search for treasure, that's if no one found the chest yet. Haha!!

    • Sunshine625 profile image
      Author

      Linda Bilyeu 15 months ago from Orlando, FL

      I wish him luck, Cardisa. I wish him luck.

    • Sunshine625 profile image
      Author

      Linda Bilyeu 15 months ago from Orlando, FL

      Thank you for covering the west coast with your challenge Ruchira! Cause truth be told, the cowboy I'm referring to is not on the east coast. Ha!

    • Sunshine625 profile image
      Author

      Linda Bilyeu 15 months ago from Orlando, FL

      YAY, Steph! I am glad I was able to send you some sunshine via my open letter. It's about 120* in Orlando today, I could send you some of that sunshine too!

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 15 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      ROFLMAO.......Yes, funny. Laughter is for Health 101! I've done enough crying for 10 people in my day.

      I'm always looking to save myself time & effort. I've got this figured out. You lasso in your cowboy....and then find out if he has an older brother, or buddy......for ME! 2 things necessary.....superb sense of humor and a huge......thick.....beautiful..........WALLET!!!! LOL! Did I scare you??

    • suzettenaples profile image

      Suzette Walker 15 months ago from Taos, NM

      What a hoot you are Linda! But, no kidding, this is great. I, too, am making the last chapter of my life great! I am done taking care of others, too. Life is too short not to have some time all to myself and do what I want to do. That is what retirement is all about. If I want to stay in my pj's all day, that's what I will do. If I want to go on an adventure, I'll do that too. People ask me what do I do with all my time now. Well, anything I want to do. From absolutely nothing, to writing, to seeing the world, to having fun anyway I see fit. Men can come and go, but I am happy within myself and that's what it is all about.

    • Cardisa profile image

      Carolee Samuda 15 months ago from Jamaica

      "I will then peel you apart until you beg for mercy." Have mercy upon the poor fellow Sunshine! Wow, I couldn't take my eyes away until I read every word. LOL, whoever wants to marry you must come strong and good.

    • Ruchira profile image

      Ruchira 15 months ago from United States

      Absolutely loved your guts and why not!

      Life has to continue so as I wish you luck...I doing my part of sharing this letter across!

      xoxo

    • Sunshine625 profile image
      Author

      Linda Bilyeu 15 months ago from Orlando, FL

      Ohhhh, Effer, those changes. Not a chance in hell that dude could survive us both...actually our husbands didn't survive. Funny, not funny. OK, funny.

    • Stephanie Henkel profile image

      Stephanie Henkel 15 months ago from USA

      Yeah, Sunshine! You surely have a way with words that lets your fun, independent (and crazy!) personality shine through in the most entertaining way! I'd sure like to meet the cowboy who made it through the letter and applied for the position of your future husband. Thanks for the laugh on an otherwise boring rainy day. Stephanie

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 15 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Most of the changes are pretty obvious......I'm quite a bit OLDER.....and we had different husbands~~~~~~~~AT LEAST I'M PRETTY SURE WE DID!!! LOL......Can you even imagine some poor dude having to survive both of us??? OMG. LOL!!!!

    • Sunshine625 profile image
      Author

      Linda Bilyeu 15 months ago from Orlando, FL

      Thank you my Effer! I'd like to read your letter with the few minor changes! Go on now...

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 15 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Don't you DARE ever THINK of changing a single thing about you!! Just add a sign to your back that says, "AS IS."

      Girlfriend, if it wouldn't be so damned expensive, you could place this letter in the newspaper! It would be worth a million, just to read the replies! I love it. (Leave it to you SFAM).

      This is the final and ultimate proof that you & I are kindred spirits...Soul Sisters....Crazy Clones. I could easily use this letter for my own advertisement~~with just a few minor changes!!

      This is the best damned letter ever, Linda Sue....Just one more thing~~

      Please don't ruin everything and start acting like a lady!!

      Hugs, love and laughter....Effer

    • Sunshine625 profile image
      Author

      Linda Bilyeu 15 months ago from Orlando, FL

      Yes, Shannon, but Miranda Lambert's songs are very versatile. Ha! Love that lady!

    • shanmarie profile image

      shanmarie 15 months ago

      No, that's only after a breakup. You know. . .to save a little face. Haha.

    • Sunshine625 profile image
      Author

      Linda Bilyeu 15 months ago from Orlando, FL

      Haha! Your responses are about as hilarious as my open letter. Thanks for joining in on the fun. I'll keep y'all posted, but there is an extremely low probability that such a suitor exists. Possibly I should start hiding my crazy and start acting like a lady.

    • ChitrangadaSharan profile image

      Chitrangada Sharan 15 months ago from New Delhi, India

      What a great open letter! This is so hilarious and you seem to be totally in your element.

      It is difficult to match your sense of humour, therefore good luck to the applicants!

      Thanks for sharing this interesting hub!

    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 15 months ago from Queensland Australia

      What a great open letter to any future suitors, Linda. Any men who meet your specifications should be lining up for consideration...I fear all ungenuine ones will quickly fall by the wayside. Even if I was single I wouldn't measure up.. I'm not a cowboy :) I had a good laugh reading this.

    • marcoujor profile image

      Maria Jordan 15 months ago from Jeffersonville PA

      Save a horse...ride a _____...

      Oh Sunshine, 'I do' believe a real cowboy would be a fool not to apply for your Hubby #3 position.

      Love this ALL ABOUT YOU chapter and love you, MM

    • Faith Reaper profile image

      Faith Reaper 15 months ago from southern USA

      Hahaha, oh my goodness, Linda ...you are a trip no doubt about it!

      Talk about an open book! Any suitors can't say they weren't warned.

      Shoot, the Internet wasn't even invented yet when I married my high school sweetheart and we're still together, well, he's still alive. : )

      If my hubby goes on to Glory before I do, I don't think I would ever remarry ...been there done that!

      Good luck on the applicants. LOL. I do hope your get your real cowboy.

      This is hilarious.

    • mckbirdbks profile image

      mckbirdbks 15 months ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      hahahahahahahaahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahaha. Shush - just made it over the wire - I'm safe. hahahahahahahaha

      Great letter. Soon, you will have that job in Nashville, and men lined up to apply for the position.

      All the best.

    • shanmarie profile image

      shanmarie 15 months ago

      Thanks so much for this laugh! I needed that! You are hilarious. Who could possibly resist your charm? LOL Y ou know, I posted a meme on my husband's FB timeline just yesterday that said "A happy marriage is easy. The wife gets to do whatever she wants. And the husband gets to do whatever she wants."