ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Open Letter To My Future Husband

Updated on February 7, 2018
Sunshine625 profile image

Linda (Kaywood) Bilyeu is a self-published author. Her books are available on Amazon. She writes from the heart—there is no other way.

Dear Future Husband

Before I proceed I must give you fair warning that you will not be my first husband. Or second. But will be my third. Possibly the third time's a charm? Or possibly not.

I must also give you fair warning that both of my prior husbands are deceased. Before you jump to conclusions - I did not kill either of them, though at times they did piss me off to the point that I considered killing them, yet I opted out due to the fact that I am not in favor of confinement. Prison just ain't my thing. I will add that if those two fine fellows were alive today they would thoroughly enjoy reading my open letter to husband number three.

One more warning, hey - honesty is the best policy! So here we go...I am a stubborn, persuasive, opinionated woman who does not like to lose and prefers to have the final word. If you are a stubborn, persuasive, opinionated man who doesn't like to lose and prefers to have the final word we may bicker often. But that could work in our favor cause y'all know make up sex could be amazing! Or maybe not.

Don't Run Off Yet! The Best Is Yet To Come

Hello...are you still there? If so, kudos to you! I salute you. I believe that due to my hyperactive nature not many men exist that could keep up with me. Sure, they might say, "Ha! Are you kidding, she ain't my first rodeo, I could lasso this lady and tame her down." Think again cowboy, ain't nobody tamed me down yet. Unless you got some super secret that others lack. If so, bring it on!

I am of short stature. Some people have to keep growing until they are perfect, not me. At 5'1, that was more than enough. I am 54 years old. How I made it to 54, I have no earthly idea, but I am still here, so YAY for you.

I require a potential suitor that would range in age from 50 - 64 years old. Not 65, since we would have to marry prior to your 65th birthday so that in case you drop dead and your social security income is higher than my first or second husbands, then I will pick yours. Again, YAY for you. Oh, wait...YAY for me. Maybe.

No need to apply if you are younger or older than that range, I ain't got no time for games...the clock is ticking, not to make a baby, we could agree that shit ain't gonna happen, but practice is an option. The clock is ticking for one foot in the grave, to be blunt...we ain't gettin' no younger and I ain't no spring chicken. We are talking mid-life here! Sure 50 is the new 40. 60 is the new 50. 70 is the new 60. Come on people, who the heck are we fooling? I suppose 100 is the new 90. If so, high fives to y'all, keep on doing what you're doing because obviously you are doing something right. Or wrong. I long ago decided that once my body parts start heading south I am ready to call it a life. Once again, I ain't got no time for that.

Online Dating Ain't My Thing

So, here's the deal. My loving friends suggested it's time for me to wrangle up a man. I often remind them that this woman don't need no man, but there are men who need this woman. Why? Because you best believe that you will thank your lucky stars every damn day if you were able to call dibs on me.

My loving friends also suggested that I join a dating site. A WHO? A WHAT? Listen up folks, I appreciate the kind gesture, but this woman don't do dating sites. I am not saying that I am too good for a dating site, what I am saying is that I don't want some dude to be shopping for me online. I ain't no damn hunting or fishing gear! In addition dating sites don't issue refunds and chances are you might request one.

Heads up! I have a tendency to talk...a lot. Not idle chit chat, I like conversations with substance. If you are one of those "men of few words" who just prefer to nod your damn head in agreement as I do that chit chatting, well just back that truck up now and keep on moving because once again I ain't got time for that.

I am an extrovert. When I walk into a room, I make noise and before you know it I am gone, but trust me when I walk away I leave behind a whole lotta memories. I am the type of person who is remembered after just one moment of meeting me. Now, I am not loud in the annoying kind of way...oh crap, yes I am. Busted!

I do have introvert tendencies too. Days when I just want to be left the heck alone. And when I have my earbuds on DO NOT BOTHER me. That is ME TIME. Me and my music and no one comes between me and the love of my life - country music. So, if you don't like country, well then you are shit outta luck cause this woman is looking for a cowboy in hat and boots to sweep her away. Horses are optional. If you ain't no cowboy then once again I suggest you mosey on along cause you are not about to prosper, this mid-life filly ain't for you.


Someone Might Be Gettin' Lucky

My longest relationship was with a cowboy. Tim McGraw. Oh hell, don't be telling me the 23 years that I invested as a fan has not been a relationship because I beg to differ and I'll differ again. Remember I get the last word! It's a fact that both of my marriages lasted exactly 12 years each. That was not planned.

My first husband was a searcher, was always searching for something, actually he died due to searching. My second husband died after a lengthy battle with cancer. He fought like hell to live, didn't want to leave me. But in the end my lawnmower outlived both marriages, but not my relationship with Tim McGraw.

On the flip side, both of my husbands were my bosses. Yep, I am the one who slept her way to the top! So, if you are considering a date with this woman, but you are still reluctant I suggest you hire me and see if you could also score.

Would You Write an Open Letter to Your Future Mate?

See results

Sugar Daddy vs Splenda Daddy

FYI: I am done taking care of people. All my life I took care of others. I tended to neglect myself. Well, this chapter of my life is ALL ABOUT ME. I will not take care of you. You are a grown-ass man and this woman ain't your mama. If you haven't already figured out how to take care of yourself than I suggest you STOP READING NOW and move along. Go on now...

Still here? WOW! You are either a glutton for punishment or possibly my next husband. SLOW DOWN, cowboy! Don't plan the wedding yet. Why? Because I am not a fan of those fancy weddings. Dresses, flowers, photos, CUT THAT OUT! For me to wear a dress one must pay me good money and not expect to get lucky. OK, that's up for debate.

I do NOT cook anymore so if you wanna eat, you best know your way around the kitchen. That implies for cooking and cleaning. I will provide the entertainment. Ain't no better place to dance than barefoot in the kitchen. You cook and I entertain. This is called Teamwork. And if all goes as planned I just might help with the clean up before we team up and dance our way to other rooms in the house.

Do you think you have the potential to be my sugar daddy? Splenda daddy's will be taken into consideration. Just in case you have been living under a rock - a splenda daddy is a man who inspires to be a sugar daddy but doesn't have the funds to pull it off.

Either way if you are interested I suggest you submit an open letter to me along with 3 factual references, the cashier at your local market doesn't count, neither does your co-worker, never underestimate my power to find shit out.

I will then take your open letter into consideration. In other words, I will peel your letter apart like an onion and if you meet my approval I will then peel you apart until you beg for mercy.

I don't appreciate my time being wasted. Either you are the real deal or not. If you think you could handle this crazy ass woman then bring it on! I will provide references upon request.

So what are y'all waiting for? Did I mention that I am also a bit intimidating? Go on now...

Meghan Trainor - Dear Future Husband

Challenge Accepted

I wrote this letter as a challenge. I have successfully completed my challenge and I gave myself a few high fives along the way.

Come on y'all, someone nicknamed Sunshine can't be as difficult as my open letter states. Or could she be? I'll leave that for you to decide.

I am not looking for a third husband, but if you think you got what it takes than I would like to know if this brave man exists. I am mostly interested in his sense of humor and of course his bank account.

Now I have a challenge for y'all - help spread the word that Sunshine is seeking a suitor of the above mentioned caliber, I betcha he don't exist. Go on now...

If You Like It Then You Should Put A Ring On It


Did You Ever Use an Online Dating Service?

See results

Jennifer Lopez - Ain't Your Mama

© 2016 Linda Bilyeu


This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

Show Details
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)