A Free Column on Original Concepts: Chocolate Lips

Truly original ideas are rare. In the grand library of all thoughts ever held by humankind, arriving at an idea or concept that has never before been dwelt upon is a very unique occurrence.

At the beginning, when Adam and Eve were pretty much the only humans around, original thoughts occurred several times a day. But now, billions of people and gigabillions of thoughts later, coming up with something never before pondered by humanity is a rare thing.

But I think I’ve done it.

It may seem an unusual goal, but ever since I was a little girl I have wondered whether I ever had an original thought - something that I could add to the volumes of past things thought. Every time an unusual thought would occur to me, I would weigh the possibility of its originality. Most such thoughts have been discarded as having already been thought before. But my newest contender is so peculiar - so very bizarre - surely only I have wasted time wondering on it.

What if we had chocolate lips?

What if our lips - so close to our tongues - were made of creamy, delicious chocolate instead of flesh?

If humans were born with chocolate lips, you would be able to tell the strong-willed people from the weak-willed ones by those who had lips or not. In fact, perhaps society would not be divided by racial or ethnic lines, but rather by the “lipped” or “de-lipped,” with the lipped folks believing themselves to be somehow better.

We may, especially the still-lipped, be rather heavy, relying on Russell Stovers to keep us away from our lips. Heart attacks would be many times more common among those who could still hold a stiff upper lip.

I can imagine children hearing an oft-expressed warning from their mothers. “Don’t eat your lips!” Or, “Charles, stop sucking your lip. It will melt!”

Gossip about how lips were “lost” would abound.

“There goes John,” a lipped woman would mutter discreetly to another lipped woman. “He kept his lips until college, getting through those danger years of childhood. Then one night after an exam, he bent his elbow a little too often at a local bar - if you know what I mean.

“Well,” she would pause for dramatic effect, “at one in the morning, he got the munchies.”

“Oh my!” the other lipped woman would gasp. “What a horrible story. That just goes to show the importance of having plenty of snacks - especially chocolate - on hand at all times.”

Yes, this idea is so - well, strange - that it must be original.

I finally believe I have stumbled on my place in history. Granted, my discovery will neither further humanity nor bolster the human condition. Unlike Pasteur, Salk, Edison or Einstein, my thought won’t heal or help. It will just sort of sit there, original but useless.

I don’t mind, however. I’m a plain, normal soul, and I am satisfied just to have had an original idea - however insipid.