ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Original Satire: "Unsailing Columbus - A Final Solution"

Updated on November 25, 2019
Maya Shedd Temple profile image

Satire offers an excellent way to refute the ridiculous by simply mocking it. As a writer, I sometimes enjoy engaging in that biting art.

Churchill Cartoon - American Indian Movement


Satire Alert

This piece is SATIRE. Its ironic statements focusing on certain identity groups mock the absurd racism and bigotry of the disgraced plagiarist, Ward Churchill.

About Ward Churchill

Disgraced former academic, Ward Churchill, was fired from his position at the University of Colorado (CU) at Boulder in 2007. He had committed plagiarism and also fabricated and falsified support for his thesis that the U.S. government had participated in the genocide of American Indians (aka Native Americans). Churchill had been noted for many absurd complaints that led to his demise in academia after he notoriously called the victims of the World Trade Center attacks on September 11, 2001, “little Eichmanns.” who deserved to die. For a thorough examination of the termination of this academic fraud, please see Report on the Termination of Ward Churchill

Ward Churchill has been masquerading as an Indian for years behind his dark glasses and beaded headband. He waves around an honorary membership card that at one time was issued to anyone by the Keetoowah Tribe of Oklahoma. Former President Bill Clinton and many others received these cards, but these cards do not qualify the holder a member of any tribe."


Text of Original Satire: "Unsailing Columbus - A Final Solution"

The following piece is a satiric take on Churchill's mode of thinking. It mocks his idiotic writing style as well as his heinous claims and disingenuous masquerading as an American Indian. Like Elizabeth Warren, Churchill falsely claimed that his heritage included American Indian background. Also like the Massachusetts senator, whose DNA results revealed her American Indian lineage—1/1064—to less than the average American, no evidence has ever been unearthed to support that claim.

Unsailing Columbus: A Final Solution

for Rodney, "My Son, My Dissident"
—honoring those great minds: Howard Zinn, Noam Chomsky, and Ward Churchill

Of course, Columbus cannot literally be unsailed, but steps can be taken to correct the blight that Italian, and possible Jew, has visited upon the world at large. The first step is to bring all United States military out of global territories back to the North American continent, starting with the troops in Iraq and Afghanistan, but continuing to every global land which is now being occupied by those troops.

After all said military is redeployed back to the continental United States, the next step is to begin eradicating said country known as United States of America. To accomplish the purpose the following shall be immediately implemented:

  • Each African shall receive one billion dollars for every man, woman, and child, and first class tickets back to Africa.
  • Every Asian man, woman, and child will receive one million dollars and a first class tickets back to Asia.
  • All Australians will receive one way tickets back to Australia.
  • Every woman will receive five billion dollars and a first class ticket anywhere she want to go. This, of course, excludes European women—see below.
  • Jews will be dealt with in accordance with Hitler's final solution—no point in shipping Jews back to a place that will soon be wiped off the map—Allah willing.

Those nationalities not mentioned above will receive one hundred thousand dollars and one way tickets back to their lands of origin; for example, South Americans, Cubans, South Pacific Islanders, Arctic Circlians, and Antarcticans, but only those who can prove no European DNA. Mexicans in the Southwest may remain, because that land used to be Mexico; however, any Mexican with any European blood will leave with their shirts and peanut butter sandwiches—no jelly, like the other Europeans, see above.

Those who remain will be only the original inhabitants of this continental United States, and they will have full sovereignty over the land to do with as they please, and they will decide what to call themselves. This essay will not defame them by calling them anything they have historically been called, because they and only they can know what to call themselves.

For those curious about what such a land might look like, here's a description, carefully composed and delightfully rendered by super-scholar and landscape artist extraordinaire, Ward Churchill—greetings to all of his relatives:

There's no U.S. in America anymore. What's on the map instead? Well let's just start with territoralities (sic) often delineated in treaties of fact—territoralities of 500 indigenous nations imbued with an inalienable right to self-determination, definable territoralities which are jurisdictionally separate. Then you've got things like the internal diasporic population of African Americans in internal colonies that have been established by the imposition of labor patterns upon them. You've got Appalachian whites. Since the U.S. unilaterally violated its treaty obligations, it forfeits its rights--or presumption of rights--under international law. Basically, you've got a dismantlement and devolution of the U.S. territorial and jurisdictional corpus into something that would be more akin to diasporic self-governing entities and a multiplicity of geographical locations. A-ha, chew on that one for awhile. (Ward Churchill, "Dismantling the Politics of Comfort," Satya interview)

Indeed, chew on that. Is not that a pleasant sight for the continent and for the world at large. The most violent, hate-filled, controlling entity has now been eradicated. The phony democracy is gone—long live true democracy!

The world leaders of other sovereign nations can rest easy, not worry about building nukes to keep the Great Satan at bay. Dictators may kill at will and as many of their people as they like. They may torture with impunity. No one will be watching. The great purveyor of morality is gone, you are free to do your own thing. Want to invade your neighbor, go ahead. France won't bother you. Want to nuke a little country just for fun? Whose going to stop you? Germany? Of course not, go ahead. No one is looking. Want to enslave the rest of sub-Saharan Africa. That's fine. Remember the real enslavers are gone; they cannot occupy you any more. Really hankering after that caliphate. No problem. The Great Satan of infidels are history; they are off the planet. Behead to your heart's content.

Peace and prosperity will reign upon the earth. Heil Hitler! Viva Castro! And big rowdy bow to Howard Zinn, Noam Chomsky, and Big Chief Ward Churchill!

Alan Dershowitz on Free Speech Fraud Ward Churchill

© 2018 Linda Sue Grimes


Submit a Comment

No comments yet.


This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

Show Details
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)