PAST THE HUNGER
A New Life...
You know a funny thing happens when you no longer eat the yolk of the egg or pass up your favorite dessert. Strange things happen when you decide to change your life in little ways and when you do a sort of "euphoria" sets in.
Nature is a beautiful thing and what I have found is that being in it more often brings a sort of calm. The silence teaches you to listen to your heart and sometimes even take chances and do things you never thought you would! Wow! Go figure? Growing up in Los Angeles was bad for my health and since I have moved to an oasis about 70 miles North of LA about five years ago I have actually had less health problems. The stress levels are much less and I no longer enjoy the "distractions" that I once held dear. Ofcourse I did not have a normal upbringing and most of my life was spent in or around the entertainment industry.
I ran around in pretty interesting circles and what I have gained from those experiences is the knowledge and intuition to spot the "toxic one's." I guess you can sort of say that I'm "hiding" and creating at the same time, but in back of my mind I know that the way I lived in my twenties was not good for the soul. I spent a lot of wasted energy trying to "look good" for people who did not matter and it took me into my thirties to understand that there are other things that are much more important in life. Like being here right now and writing to you.
I was taught at a young age that if I wanted to be a famous actress I need to be skinny and beautiful. I spent many years comparing myself to other girls at various auditions and when I came close to landing a role I always worried that they would pick the thinner one. Most of the time they did, but eventually my talent outweighed some of the girls that did not eat. Ofcourse I never beat the one's that slept with the casting agents. I honestly believe that if I was twenty pounds thinner when I was at the top of my career, I would have been more successful. That is the sad truth. I was up against actresses like Demi Moore and Julia Roberts (we had the same agent). I screen tested for the movie Bugsy Malone against Jodie Foster and even almost got the lead in a well known soap opera many years ago. My audition was stunning, but my weight was not. I 'm talking about looking "normal" instead of "anorexic." I'm not angry about it and there are no regrets because I feel that if I really wanted it, I would have gotten it and got really skinny to please the masses. I read an article about Jennifer Aniston once that talked about how her agent told her to lose thirty pounds and when she did her career just bloomed. This is the life of a young girl in Los Angeles.
I did have pretty good success on television and made guest spots on various televison shows and talk shows. But you see, this was never my dream...it was someone else's. That is the hard part when you get older and you finally find your calling that was always there hiding beneath the shadows. If I was to go back to my childhood and remember the things I loved most, it would be singing, writing and photography. This is what I am doing right now and if I just listened to my heart sooner I could have accomplished more. Coulda, woulda and shoulda are not good words and the point is that all of us need to think about right now. Why do we write on hubpages and why do we reach out to this wonderful community? Because we love it and we enjoy ourselves! Hubpages makes it easy to create something nice and share your voice with others who may be similiar to you or have similiar tastes or interests.
I would say my biggest problem is never giving myself enough credit or "pats on the back." I have accomplished so much in life but I was really young when my mother died and I carried this "lack of accomplishment" issue to adulthood. This trait is actually listed in a book about losing a parent when a child is young. I was always a resilient child and honor role student and I started performing when I was three years old. My first starring role on stage was Rudolph the red nose reindeer. I was fantastic! I don't remember any of it but my father who was a very successful composer always said that because he wanted me to be famous. It wasn't entirely his fault because I did have a lot of talent for a young child and he thought that I should be in front of the camera pronto! The funny thing is I enjoy being behind the camera more then I do putting myself "out there." I have battled the "fear" issue, but for people who REALLY know me they would tell you that I'm not afraid of anything except for "crazy people!" So be it, this is where I'm at right now. That is ok just being here in the moment. If I were to list everything I have going right now it would make my own head spin let alone yours. Afterall I'm extremely driven and have quite a few projects I'm working on in the hopes that I complete every single one of them!
Writing was important to me as a child because it was the only way that I could share my feelings. I wrote many pages in my diary about my first love and sexual experiences. I wrote to God often asking him why he took my mother away and I used to write poetry that eventually turned into songs that I recorded. Now, this is where it gets funny.
Food has always been like men to me. They come in all flavors and some are a bit sweeter or "richer" then others and some are very tempting! I enjoy writing about men because they have always been a temptation just like every single sort of chocolate you can think of! A good Cadbury or a young athlete would do, sailing with a romantic man and a coffee bar and never coming back!.....or some time and chocolate mousse with a musician who used to tour. ; So I'm married for a long time and I have a family too, but I'm not dead yet, Are you? This is where I'm at and I am enjoying writing about "virtual fantasies" and "virtual adventures." A lot of people will not talk about this stuff for the fear that they may look like they are not "devoted," but I say "why not?" "What are you afraid of?"
The point is that I'm honest and this I feel will take me to the levels in writing that I want to go. You know and I know that the one's we love to read are the writers who have a strong inner voice and live truth. I know who you are.
So, let me explain. It seems that there is a new word for people who look for ex flames on Facebook. If you do or have done, you are now considered a Retrosexual. Another way to use the word is...
- FANTASY MAN
You know honey, I just can't get enough of you when you smile in the morning every single day while we sip coffee together and play our favorite music as the sun is rising. Your laughter fills the kitchen...
- MY VIRTUAL BOYFRIEND
Honey, I don't know about you but what you wrote the other day had me "spinning." The little "comments" on my facebook page make me want to jump you! How do you feel about me? Hmmm? I was just wondering...
- MY LOVE AFFAIR WITH CHOCOLATE
I remember the first time I felt the taste on my tongue and I couldn't even speak yet! I must of gurgled in a very excited way with a giggle or two mixed in. Then I must of yelled at my mother or father in a...