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PAST THE HUNGER

Updated on November 16, 2009

A New Life...

You know a funny thing happens when you no longer eat the yolk of the egg or pass up your favorite dessert. Strange things happen when you decide to change your life in little ways and when you do a sort of "euphoria" sets in.

Nature is a beautiful thing and what I have found is that being in it more often brings a sort of calm. The silence teaches you to listen to your heart and sometimes even take chances and do things you never thought you would! Wow! Go figure? Growing up in Los Angeles was bad for my health and since I have moved to an oasis about 70 miles North of LA about five years ago I have actually had less health problems. The stress levels are much less and I no longer enjoy the "distractions" that I once held dear. Ofcourse I did not have a normal upbringing and most of my life was spent in or around the entertainment industry. 

I ran around in pretty interesting circles and what I have gained from those experiences is the knowledge and intuition to spot the "toxic one's." I guess you can sort of say that I'm "hiding" and creating at the same time, but in back of my mind I know that the way I lived in my twenties was not good for the soul. I spent a lot of wasted energy trying to "look good" for people who did not matter and it took me into my thirties to understand that there are other things that are much more important in life. Like being here right now and writing to you.

I was taught at a young age that if I wanted to be a famous actress I need to be skinny and beautiful. I spent many years comparing myself to other girls at various auditions and when I came close to landing a role I always worried that they would pick the thinner one. Most of the time they did, but eventually my talent outweighed some of the girls that did not eat. Ofcourse I never beat the one's that slept with the casting agents. I honestly believe that if I was twenty pounds thinner when I was at the top of my career, I would have been more successful. That is the sad truth. I was up against actresses like Demi Moore and Julia Roberts (we had the same agent). I screen tested for the movie Bugsy Malone against Jodie Foster and even almost got the lead in a well known soap opera many years ago. My audition was stunning, but my weight was not. I 'm talking about looking "normal" instead of "anorexic." I'm not angry about it and there are no regrets because I feel that if I really wanted it, I would have gotten it and got really skinny to please the masses. I read an article about Jennifer Aniston once that talked about how her agent told her to lose thirty pounds and when she did her career just bloomed. This is the life of a young girl in Los Angeles.

I did have pretty good success on television and made guest spots on various televison shows and talk shows. But you see, this was never my dream...it was someone else's. That is the hard part when you get older and you finally find your calling that was always there hiding beneath the shadows. If I was to go back to my childhood and remember the things I loved most, it would be singing, writing and photography. This is what I am doing right now and if I just listened to my heart sooner I could have accomplished more. Coulda, woulda and shoulda are not good words and the point is that all of us need to think about right now. Why do we write on hubpages and why do we reach out to this wonderful community? Because we love it and we enjoy ourselves! Hubpages makes it easy to create something nice and share your voice with others who may be similiar to you or have similiar tastes or interests.

I would say my biggest problem is never giving myself enough credit or "pats on the back." I have accomplished so much in life but I was really young when my mother died and I carried this "lack of accomplishment" issue to adulthood. This trait is actually listed in a book about losing a parent when a child is young. I was always a resilient child and honor role student and I started performing when I was three years old. My first starring role on stage was Rudolph the red nose reindeer. I was fantastic! I don't remember any of it but my father who was a very successful composer always said that because he wanted me to be famous. It wasn't entirely his fault because I did have a lot of talent for a young child and he thought that I should be in front of the camera pronto! The funny thing is I enjoy being behind the camera more then I do putting myself "out there." I have battled the "fear" issue, but for people who REALLY know me they would tell you that I'm not afraid of anything except for "crazy people!" So be it, this is where I'm at right now. That is ok just being here in the moment. If I were to list everything I have going right now it would make my own head spin let alone yours. Afterall I'm extremely driven and have quite a few projects I'm working on in the hopes that I complete every single one of them!

Writing was important to me as a child because it was the only way that I could share my feelings. I wrote many pages in my diary about my first love and sexual experiences. I wrote to God often asking him why he took my mother away and I used to write poetry that eventually turned into songs that I recorded. Now, this is where it gets funny.

Food has always been like men to me. They come in all flavors and some are a bit sweeter or "richer" then others and some are very tempting! I enjoy writing about men because they have always been a temptation just like every single sort of chocolate you can think of! A good Cadbury or a young athlete would do, sailing with a romantic man and a coffee bar and never coming back!.....or some time and chocolate mousse with a musician who used to tour. ; So I'm married for a long time and I have a family too, but I'm not dead yet, Are you? This is where I'm at and I am enjoying writing about "virtual fantasies" and "virtual adventures." A lot of people will not talk about this stuff for the fear that they may look like they are not "devoted," but I say "why not?" "What are you afraid of?"

The point is that I'm honest and this I feel will take me to the levels in writing that I want to go. You know and I know that the one's we love to read are the writers who have a strong inner voice and live truth. I know who you are.

Best, GPAGE    


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    • GPAGE profile image
      Author

      GPAGE 8 years ago from California

      cheaptrick! Thank you so much for your wonderful comment. It really means a lot to me. You made me laugh too with the LA comment! ha Really enjoy your hubs also.....it is really nice to see you here! Best, G

    • cheaptrick profile image

      cheaptrick 8 years ago from the bridge of sighs

      Hia G,something just occurred to me that I need to say.

      I have read most of your hubs and really enjoyed them.

      Your as real as they come.

      I rarely comment so I would like you to know that I do read and enjoy you.

      Even if you are from LA lol.

    • GPAGE profile image
      Author

      GPAGE 8 years ago from California

      jacobkuttyta...thanks again for stopping by and leaving such a kind comment!

      Best, GPAGE

    • jacobkuttyta profile image

      jacobkuttyta 8 years ago from Delhi, India

      Thanks for the nice hub. Well written. Keep up the good work.

    • GPAGE profile image
      Author

      GPAGE 8 years ago from California

      HappyHer! Another fave hubber has appeared! Welcome and a BIG "thank you!"

      All the best, G

    • HappyHer profile image

      Tracy Morrow 8 years ago from Cleveland, OH

      My favorite writing style is one where the reader forgets they are reading and gets lost in the experience. This is the style writing you've shown here. Thank you for a lovely break to my day!

    • GPAGE profile image
      Author

      GPAGE 8 years ago from California

      James...I'm so glad you are here! I'm waiting to hear the rest of your story!

      Thank you for your lovely comment and I love what you wrote from "Art of Poetry." It is always nice to see you here. Looking forward to hearing more from you. Best, G

    • James McV Sailor profile image

      James J Mills 8 years ago from Northern California

      I thought that you were beginning to drift out from behind those dark glasses and letting your hair down a bit, and there it is a NEW picture. Its interesting how we start to rediscover our past and find new perspective even as we write about "other" things..... I really liked this piece and especially the sence of rediscovery........ As Horace wrote in his "Art of Poetry" - Ye who write, take up a subject suited to your strength - Nice!

    • GPAGE profile image
      Author

      GPAGE 8 years ago from California

      viryabo! It is nice to have you here with my other fave hubbers who have already checked in! There are a few more that have not shown their "avatars" (faces) yet!; I appreciate the comment that you have shared here. I always love to read your hubs and I am so glad that we have connected here. I love that you have a "love" for things from long ago......I think I would have been really happy living in the 40's or the 60's! The elegance of that time in the 40's and the "rock n roll" from the 60's!!!

      Thanx for the compliment on my new avatar (it is moi ;).....Best, G

    • viryabo profile image

      viryabo 8 years ago

      Great hub G. When i was much younger, i always felt that i had to please, burying my real self all in the name of acceptance and doing what is expected. Be thin. Be a science student. Be this, be that. Luckily i woke up one day telling myself i had to be me. I choose my profession. I decide if i want to be thin or fat. My decisions in life is in my hands alone.Period.

      What happened after that? I felt better. Had more respect for myself. Became more assertive and suddenly became more popular and loved for my individual stance.

      Always enjoy your writings. Good, down to earth and frank!

      BTW absolutely love your new avatar.

      GodBless.

    • GPAGE profile image
      Author

      GPAGE 8 years ago from California

      JAMES! I'm always so happy to see you here! Thank you always for your kind words (especially the one's you just wrote to me on your hub I commented on recently). Really charmed my heart in a BIG way!.....I am so happy that I found you here and look forward to reading more of your words too. You are so talented and I love that you can write about history and politics and then about your cute little dog (I still love that hub!) and the music 2! ;

      REALLY enjoy it! Night, G

    • GPAGE profile image
      Author

      GPAGE 8 years ago from California

      Kartika! Thank you so much for your calming words! Misha sounds familiar to me and I may have known her at one time in my life....The last ten years or so have been spent more around the music crowd.....recording with established musicians and artists. You are right, Hollywood is brutal. Period. I always felt like I had to be "on" show 24/7. I have lots of old photo's of me dolled up at the Emmys and other award shows. The stress was awful! Anyway, life goes on and I'm enjoying my new adventures. I'm sort of "recycling" old adventures! ; All the things I loved as a child which I kept hidden are coming to surface now. I was always doing them and made a living at them, but never made them "priority."

      It is nice to know that I'm living what I love.......Best, G

    • James A Watkins profile image

      James A Watkins 8 years ago from Chicago

      I enjoy your writing very much. I can hear your voice popping right off the page. You have unique experiences that most of us are interesting in reading about and you deliver the words beautifully. I'll be here when you write some more.

    • GPAGE profile image
      Author

      GPAGE 8 years ago from California

      Hey David......Well said! Thanks for commenting. I always enjoy your "truth." Best, G

    • kartika damon profile image

      kartika damon 8 years ago from Fairfield, Iowa

      GPAGE, I really enjoy getting to know you through your honest writing -love learning about your life and how you've evolved as a woman - a journey all women must take to grow into their potential. It is crazy how thin women are told they have to be to succeed in the industry. I think you have had a classic journey for many women who are in the beauty industry but decide to break out and discover other parts of themselves that bring more meaning and less pressure! Hollywood is brutal on women! My son's girlfriend was scheduled to star in Alias and training for the pilot when she cut the tendon in her foot with a sword - Misha Koprova - she was in the Cable Guy - do you know her? I'm so happy you now live in a peaceful and beautiful place and are writing for hubs! Kartika

    • Russell-D profile image

      Russell-D 8 years ago from Southern Ca.

      So long as you as an individual are TRULY honest with yourself and those with whom you interact, you're a step up on a great percentage of the ill makers of the world in which we live. "Help yourself and cause Harm to no one else" would not be a bad way to live. David Russell

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