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Pages of Time

Updated on June 3, 2012

I find myself looking back

like flipping through the pages

in the book of my life

the one I've been writing

for years now

I never knew exactly how it should begin...

How should the book about my life read?

It could be dramatic, filled with horror, and tales of rising against all odds

but I never wanted to be known as the survivor

My imagination drives me to all sorts of humor and levity,

but I have always had a problem with feeling like I am not being taken seriously, even when it's just in my head

I want to paint a bright picture of hope and explain my past to you as I see it now

only then it might seem that I have never known darkness, or shadow and that would be so far from the truth

Some days I just want to tell one story from my life, about one period, one person, something that touched me

Today I'm reminded of a man in my life who didn't change me but touched me so deeply, that I changed. Of the many men I have had in my life, he was one of the few I have loved because he showed me that I was beautiful. He made me feel beautiful inside and out. He listened to my dreams and made me feel as if I could do anything. I adored him - I loved the sound of his voice, the smell of him, the feel of his touch, and the way he looked at me. Any time with him was never enough. And he was a man like none I had ever known. He loved life, cared for all kinds of people, enjoyed new experiences, and even adored my quirkiness. We had so much fun no matter what we were doing. And we were always into something interesting, but what touched me is that he loved my dog as much as I did. And Teddy looked forward to walking, running and playing with him.

Somehow in life's way, it ended all too soon - got too complicated and I moved away chasing some dream. He went off traveling to foreign lands, scaling mountains, scuba diving, flying, etc. and we faded into grey.

Years passed...we talked last night. He sounded so cheerful on the phone and said he wants to see me again. We caught up on life and at the same time it was knowing we were the same two people and nothing had really changed between us. And now I can't keep that book closed on that chapter of my life. I spent today trying to do the other things I needed to do and always my mind went back to the "what if..?"

We are in really different places this time, I believe in better places. Things only get better with age. What am I afraid of?


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    • Erin LeFey profile image

      Erin LeFey 5 years ago from Maryland

      Thank you Angela!

    • Angela Brummer profile image

      Angela Brummer 5 years ago from Lincoln, Nebraska

      Great attitude and desription. I never wanted to know as a the surviror. I agree! You positive attitude is powerful!

    • Erin LeFey profile image

      Erin LeFey 5 years ago from Maryland

      drbj, i can't wait to read it either!

      shiningirisheyes, I did write about him in the one just previous to this - I've also written about him before in my hub...a long time ago (Dreaming of Stephen) you are making all are giving me the courage i need. and you are absolutely right. there was no negative reason except for life paths. and we are crossing paths again...

      Ruby, my sister, you KNOW me. and you are so RIGHT. we have always been so alike. Love you sweetie!

      Mckbirdbks, you have a point, I have nothing to be afraid of.

      You've all been wonderful! I'll write about it again, I'm sure. No matter how it goes...

    • Erin LeFey profile image

      Erin LeFey 5 years ago from Maryland

      Kashmir56, you hit the nail on the head, he does rock my world. and you are correct. I will never be able to live with myself if I let this go by. I'm in pursuit. Thanks!

    • mckbirdbks profile image

      mckbirdbks 5 years ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      It sounds like that among all the things you 'were' one of the things was 'friends'. You have nothing to be afraid of.

    • always exploring profile image

      Ruby Jean Fuller 5 years ago from Southern Illinois

      It sounds to me like it is meant to be. Eventhough he was engaged, it ended and he thought about calling you. You ended this piece with the question, " What am i afraid OF? " Could it be commitment? That is my one great fear and being as close to you as i am. I think we are on the same level. Time will tell you if it's right. The only thing to fear is fear it self. My wish for you is true happiness..Love you Sister..

    • shiningirisheyes profile image

      Shining Irish Eyes 5 years ago from Upstate, New York

      Erin - I may be incorrect in my assumption but this may be the same gentleman you referred to in a recent hub I read of yours. Its only natural to be afraid....afraid of the image of this man changing if you should let him back in. Afraid that the changes you have both been through may change the relationship between you, no matter what it may be. I can only say that someone like this, someone that you have this much respect for, someone that has this positive an affect on you, well - they just don't come along every day. It sounds to me, from what I've read here and what I read before, lifes paths changing for both of you was the only reason for the separation. Any other reason such as many arguments, substance abuse, physical or psychological would certaining warrant separation but two peoples lives paths going in other directions for a while....well, that doesn't seem negative to me....if they are now converging again, let them.

      Just saying.

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 5 years ago from south Florida

      So beautiful and intriguing, Erin, I cannot wait to read the second chapter. You go, girl.

    • kashmir56 profile image

      Thomas Silvia 5 years ago from Massachusetts

      Hi Erin, i have enjoyed reading your hub,and it sounds like this guy rocks your world. He has gone out of his way to tell you he isn't engaged anymore,if you let him get away this time you may lose him forever.Go and start writing that chapter of your life where the both of you left off,and let your feelings be your guide .

    • Erin LeFey profile image

      Erin LeFey 5 years ago from Maryland

      You're right. I have. I suppose I know on some level that with him, there can be no bad ending because of the kind of people we are. Once we went out to catch up about four years ago but he was involved with someone and we went out as friends catching up. I was very nice and fun for us but it just didn't feel right because of my feelings, we hadn't spoken since. This time its all different. He went out of his way to tell me he isn't engaged anymore and he'd love to see me. I feel like butter where he's concerned... :)

    • cruelkindness profile image

      cruelkindness 5 years ago from an angle view.

      Amazing poem, so good, poetry at its rawest form. Go in expecting to finish your chapter, just go with your moment and express yourself and knowing you finished it will be bliss no matter what the outcome. It probably will turn out in a way that you didn't even imagine...

      you already started to finish your chapter in my eyes...

      Cruelkindness (Subliminally Thoughtless)