Pain is a Four Letter Word
Today I cannot think.
I cannot breathe
Nor stand to walk
My pride won’t let me scream
But I don’t want to talk
I tried to sit and write
But pain got in the way
Usually I ignore it
And live my life anyway
But not today
And lately, the hold is tighter
I try to keep up, move on
Because they tell me I’m a fighter
I’m not though, really I’m not
Inside I’m crying, screaming, dying
Taking my meds, going to therapy
But my spirit has grow so tired of trying
It’s like tiny needles going in and out
A python squeezing me at his will
Electric shocks that keep firing
To torture, maim but not to kill
It’s like a vice that squeezes and eases
Constantly; and I have no control
I feel I’m bruised and beaten
With nothing that consoles
The only relief I get is if
I take enough medication
To make me sleep so I don’t
Feel anything at all…
I have no dreams…
I can’t move…
And when I wake, I don’t know what
Day it is, how long I was out
And the pain returns
While I’m still in a daze
I’m falling over myself
Because I’m walking in a haze
From the center of my back
To the tip of my left toe
The skin is numb
I can’t feel you touch me
I can’t feel water
But I can feel the pain inside.
And it’s brutal.
Why Did I Write This?
Why am I telling you this today?
Because I wanted to write something beautiful
I wanted to finish the short story
I wanted to sit here in my chair with my laptop
And write something, anything BUT this.
Like I usually do
My pain keeps me from being able to connect with you
It keeps me from accessing my dreams
All I can feel is anger, despair, and loneliness
Because in here is a world
That exists me and this mottled, angry creature that has
Attached itself to my body like a parasite
And is sucking the lifeblood from me
Everyday it weighs me down, finds a new way to hurt me
Finds a way to bring me to tears, and steals a little more
Of my self esteem.
I’m unable to function when it’s got me in its grip this way
I feel it is stealing the best parts of me, who I was and what
I wanted to become. Many of my dreams have been
Instead of getting better after this operation which was almost
A year ago, each day I’m getting worse. And life goes on,
My pain was begging to be addressed, to be noticed.
Well, now it has gotten its 15 seconds of fame.
I don’t think it will change.
Prayers haven’t helped.
New Age remedies and healings haven’t helped.
The nerve block helped my back and hips and upper thigh,
For 23 days. Then it came back worse.
One day I will find the answer.
Thank you for reading…I just had to let this one out today.