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Pains of Love Part II
©Zenobia Ragin, All rights owned by Abundant Waters Management, Inc. no parts of this content may be reproduced without the authors sole permission
The nature of his competence was rooted in generations of curses. Serpent was the master of manipulation. He was the Pharaoh and she the slave. Beelzebub, Serpent, and Leviathan masqueraded about as if they owned the true title deed to her subconscious. Her body was the host for the embodiment of their work.
While under his control and influence, he twisted all of her thoughts to deceive her into thinking all of them were her own. She could no longer decipher or discern the authenticity of her own voice within her own consciousness. He created distractions within her mind that introduced layers of conflict within her soul. Serpent introduced her to Major Depression as a relative of Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Post-Traumatic Stress never traveled without Major Depression. They came as a pair. He explained to her they were first maternal cousins, and needed one another in order to thrive. And then he expounded how Schizophrenia was second cousins of insanity on her paternal side of the family. He painted a picture so believably dim it appealed to her common senses.
It was Beelzebub’s scheme to oppress her spirit with Major Depression while afflicting her body with Infirmity. Infirmity’s artillery including, maladies of every sort, constant pain, and confusion were the masterpieces of Beelzebub’s plan. Beelzebub handled calling in the symptoms to Infirmity for him to produce the manifestations. Once the manifestations appeared, her body produced illness after illness, pain after pain, malady, after malady. This was Beelzebub’s concoction in gaining access to the souls he possessed.
She exhibited supernatural strength during her demonic series of screams. The lethal screams were the ammunition in her mind to liquefy the walls, which held her communication hostage. Her craving was to blast her mind and emotions free.
It had been weeks since her ear lobe length mingled, auburn brown hair was entertained by a comb or brush. Her head had long forgotten the soothing feeling of the teeth of a comb becoming a friend to her coarse auburn-brownish strands. Neither did shampoo or water make an appearance to her rancid scalp. The mention of water upon her skin threw her body into fits of rage.
The anger was symbolic for an act she committed years before. For her it was an unforgivable, but even more the unforgettable sin – the act of Oedipus. In her mind, the water was the instrument that would wash away the self-condemnation and judgement that she held within her soul. Her mind was encased in a prison, bound with a chain that bore no lock to be unlocked with a key. Within her psyche the verdict was given, and the sentence received.
No prison term served could pay the debt of such an immoral wrong. The next fourteen days were spent in restrains. The psychiatric staff was in fear of Dina bringing harm upon herself and others. The rage she expressed was monumental. The storm inside of her was entrapped in her heart, and burst outwardly as a tornado destroying everything within her path.
It began with a simple yearning to comprehend whose gene pool she really belonged to. Not knowing was the beginning of her melancholy behavior. In her mind, every thought was magnified, forcing her to see every syllable of every word. With every syllable, she relived the experience of the horror in her soul. Her thoughts raced within her mind as if her neurotransmitters were Nascar participants competing against one another. Her struggle to remain calm was enormous and inconceivable for her. Misery and distress were her companions. For her peace was on vacation with no sight of return in grasp.
Her present mental state was a culmination of years of deceit and a hidden true that shed light upon her hereditary psychological chemical imbalances. Her relationship patterns was one not learned, but of an innate trait.
FEBRUARY 7, 2006
As a child, Dina re-lived childhood traumas, as she told me some her nights were spent sleeping face down on the floor; the Red Key Ranchers were at war – the third floor was the target where bullets would land. Many nights’ terror rocked her to sleep; Andrew lived on the third floor above Dina: He had stolen drug money again, and a hit was out for his life. The sound of pistols being fired in the wee hours of the morning had become an expectation. The community was overcome with violence. Carrying a king cobra around his neck through the neighborhood depicted the gang leader.
Seeing a corpse in the alley with an Italian neck tie was a commonality. The Ranchers were mean, and dangerous; rival gang members respected the Ranchers territory – penitence was due if not respected.
Her childhood was filled with experiences of night terrors; dreams of battling monsters in the dark, feverish night sweats were her nightly aide till dawn. Dreams of witches in the moonlight that traveled upon her back; repetitious prayers became her crutch to maintain her sanity till daybreak. She fought the beast day after day, and night after night. Sleepless nights were her accommodation; exhaustion was her nourishment; weary eyes begging to see the light of day – this was the cycle of Major Depression.
The two-headed, three-legged beast of Gloom and Doubt planted itself within her head using its stronghold to become one within her mind. The stronghold of Gloom and Doubt ran like ink upon her thoughts while basket weaving itself into her subconscious, the three-footed, eleven-toed creature stampeded her conscious, and waded its toes through her thoughts like sand was between its toes. Gloom and Doubt used its 12-inch thick hands to juggle her words up and down like jugglers in the Circus of Soliel.
Dina remained bewildered throughout her childhood; she was an odd youngster who didn’t mingle well with her peers. Gloom and Doubt was the culprit of her inferiority. Her stomach would churn in the presence of her peers; her self-confidence was stolen as Gloom and Doubt shadowed her thoughts. She felt inferior because her complexion was dark chocolate, yet her brothers’ were a natural golden tan.
She grew up with Gloom and Doubt lurking in her footsteps; not recognizing her own potential for greatness, she created an alter ego that controlled her public persona, a persona that was the opposite of her private personality and self-reflections of judgement, and self-hate. Her public persona allowed her to re-create, redefine, and become someone other than who she was. She was reborn through her alter ego it allowed her to hide the pain and torture she held within her soul. She could be witty, colorful, flirty, alluring, and boldly sexy and her tongue was an instrument sharp as cutting shears – none of the attributes she thought she owned.
She had a natural switch to her hips as she walked; her infirmity was scoliosis, which caused the double-switch in her steps. Doctors diagnosed her and told her it was hereditary. Dina knew there were no traces of scoliosis on the maternal side of her family, so it had to be paternal. This was a constant thorn in her side – plaguing her – she pleaded with her mother to find the answers she sought. Her inferiority was engraved in the curvature of her spine. In her mind the curvature was metaphorical of the lost-ness of her soul. It is where her wilderness began – she imagined the Children of Israel were her ancestors; their curvature was the parting of the red sea running in fear from Pharaoh’s army – hidden within her curvature was the root of sadness. The intuition within her was the beacon of guiding light that summoned the ability to seek out the truth at any cost.
© Adrienne Manson 2011 All rights reserved